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Okay. Perhaps I have a tendency to go overboard about some stuff but this sentence just irks me. Keem will read it to me now every time we get into the elevator because it makes the hackles rise on the back of my neck. She is evil like that.
The office is letting us know that the fire alarms are going to be tested in the building. Cool. This is good to know that they do test the alarms so that we don’t all die in a fiery blaze. Right?
But this is what bugs me:
“You will hear the alarms sound in your apartment so don’t be alarmed.”
ARGH!
I’m not perfect, I realize this, especially since I once told Matt (the boss) that I used to have a thing for the Thing from Fantastic Four.
Probably the worst phrase ever is this one from Plan 9 From Outer Space:
“Now, don’t you worry. The saucers are up there. The graveyard is out there. But I’ll be locked up safely in there. “
Okay. I’m done vanting. Carry on with your day. Unless you have a pet peeve you’d like to share with me. That would be fun.
So that touch barrier that I was so worried about breaking? Yeah, well, this weekend I not only broke it but I kind of took a sledgehammer to it. It is lying in little pieces wondering what the heck happened to shy, reclusive Dana that freezes up whenever she tried to interact with a guy she likes (which is the only time that I’m ever shy, reclusive Dana. Any other time I am charmingly askew, refreshingly mad Dana that loves being the center of attention).
Okay, when I say took a sledgehammer to it, I don’t mean that I grabbed Gil and threw him onto the table and had my way with him. No. That would require one of those concrete ball things that smashes walls (One of my favorite lines from Gone in 60 Seconds is “Are you okay? Because you just went through a wall” when the concrete ball wall smashing thing knocks a cop car through the wall).
I am not sure why I am still referring to him as Gil since, if he ever stumbles across my blog, he is going to know that I am talking about him since the actions I took last night could not be about anyone but him. But I am not ready to reveal his real name yet. Maybe if something goes a little more further, maybe if there is an actual, oh, I don’t know, kiss or something.
This is the email I sent to Rachel:
Okay, so we were sitting there, he comes in and makes sure that he sits next to me, like he usually does. We’re talking, his arm or his leg will brush up against me which is driving me crazy, of course. There are a couple of periods when our legs are in full contact for a good five-ten minutes.
He asked to try my drink, Beth thought it was interesting that he chose to drink directly from the straw instead of the side of the glass. I asked to try his beer (Rolling Rock, not bad at all. Which is odd since I hate beer). I then say to Beth “Gil is the only person I know that makes beer smell good.” Beth agrees and then adds that so does Liz. I respond with “Well, I don’t smell Liz.” Which was completely bold and I can’t believe I said it but he caught it and was kind of stunned. He did that sort of laugh of amazement, you know what I mean? The “Oh, my God, did she really say that?”
So I sang What Would Happen last night and kind of sang it directly to him at a few points. Yikes. Not so much because that was the plan but I’d look up and he would be watching me.
Then we are getting ready to leave and he has put on this sweatshirt which both Beth and Liz are feeling to see what the texture feels like. Beth is insistent that I feel the sweatshirt even though I already did. So I reach out and oh, not so much feel the sweatshirt but kind of stroke his bicep. Yikes!
Then Bryan and Liz invited us over to their place and Gil was over, he sat next to me and we kind of talked through the night but nothing really happened except that, when he was leaving, he looks directly to me and said that “I hope you survive today.” Because I have to start work at 8. And didn’t leave there until 4:30 AM. Very tired right now but giddy! Giddy!
Oh. And I also said that seeing him on Sundays was the highlight of my week. I think I might have thrown Liz in there as well but still.
My goodness. I cannot believe I did this. I cannot wait to see him again.
Sledgehammer – Peter Gabriel
You could have a steam train
If you’d just lay down your tracks
You could have an aeroplane flying
If you bring your blue sky back
All you do is call me
I’ll be anything you need
You could have a big dipper
Going up and down, all around the bends
You could have a bumper car, bumping
This amusement never ends
I want to be your sledgehammer
Why don’t you call my name
Oh let me be your sledgehammer
This will be my testimony
Show me round your fruitcage
’cos I will be your honey bee
Open up your fruitcage
Where the fruit is as sweet as can be
I want to be your sledgehammer
Why don’t you call my name
You’d better call the sledgehammer
Put your mind at rest
I’m going to be-the sledgehammer
This can be my testimony
I’m your sledgehammer
Let there be no doubt about it
Sledge sledge sledgehammer
I’ve kicked the habit
Shed my skin
This is the new stuff
I go dancing in, we go dancing in
Oh won’t you show for me
And I will show for you
Show for me, I will show for you
Yea, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I do mean you
Only you
You’ve been coming through
Going to build that power
Build, build up that power, hey
I’ve been feeding the rhythm
I’ve been feeding the rhythm
Going to feel that power, build in you
Come on, come on, help me do
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you
I’ve been feeding the rhythm
I’ve been feeding the rhythm
It’s what we’re doing, doing
All day and night
Ways I have been found. Some funny, some scary, some odd. If it pulled up a specific post, I linked it. My comments are in the parentheses
cancun,mexico ocean parasites
plastic rudd lethal weapon
Tattoos – Penguin tattoo, tattoo pirate ink (I don’t even want to know)
Love Portugal (well, who doesn’t?)
Xaveria Hollander (at least 3 different searches)
Duckies deli or Green Duckies or many other ducky searches (Do they leave comments? Of course not)
“Crystals in feet”
Grooey holes
A comment I left on Finslippy’s blog about my slight crush on Freddie Muniz
Underwater black lesbians (Huh?)
A comment I left on Suburban Bliss (About how my bed is unmade)
“I would have rocked your world” evolution
teeth fixing jacket veneer
Kotton Kandy
Simeks
The stupid song “Picture” (no, that’s not the phrase that was used for the searches)
inward pinkies
take off my bra next
technorati search for Home Depot
“definition of a princess”rabbitch
Naked pictures of Tobey Macquire. Who is Tobey Macquire dating? What is Tobey Macquire working on (what I’d like to know is who are these people that are fascinated with Tobey?)
“What flower – color association are you?”
“the fighting tongs” listen (and several (at least 50) searches for Jordis Unga as well)
the-wanderer there-is girl-that-I’ll-be-with-tonight
tammy pescatelli naked (hmm, haven’t had searches for her in a long time)
Young Mom Sex Kari (Excuse me? This is my baby sister you are asking about)
Picture of my breast
green runts hurt (I was hurt that they switched to watermelon instead of the previous lime. Apparently I’m not the only one)
People who don’t drive
latin “it speaks for itself”
Beer Goggles
MAN BLUDGEONS WIFE FOR WANTING TO CUDDLE (nice)
etymologic headphones (no clue. Can’t imagine that I’ve ever used that phrase)
“meet him in a swamp” yoda
A comment I left on Suburban Bliss (tons of hits. Not a single comment. Sigh)
Vittum (hello, possible family member. Where is my freakin’ comment?)
Mark posted this and I enjoyed it and I do love a good meme/list so here goes. Oh, I posted a post a few days ago and only one person (Beth) commented on it so I am linking it as well. Go and read it because it is a lonely post and it is connected to past posts I wrote that are very funny and you will love them. Really. You will. It is here.
Seven things I plan on doing before I die:
1. Return to Las Vegas.
2. Return to Portugal.
3. Visit every place on my list of places to visit with Beth:
2005 – Portugal (Hey, I did that already. Cool)
2006 – New Orleans
2007 – Italy
2008 – Washington DC
2009 – Great Britain (Stratford on Avon! Woo-hoo! Among other spots)
2010 – New York
2011 – Southern Germany/France
2012 – Alaskan Cruise (when I was reading the list back, I read 2012 as Two Thousand Twen. Apparently it’s a new word that I made up that makes no sense)
2013 – Moscow/Australia (No, not both of them together because that would never work. If we are married to big, strong, masculine men who can protect us, Moscow. If not, Australia. Where hopefully we will find big, strong, masculine men)
2014 – Hawaii
2015 – Egypt
4. Get my driver’s license.
5. Buy an El Camino.
6. Break the touch barrier with Gil. Convince him that I am The One for him.
7. Finish and publish a book. Any book. I don’t care anymore.
Seven things I can do:
1. Type over 70-80 words per minute.
2. Amuse the world with my charmingly askew point of view about life, love and other stuff (okay, so the world consists of you that read me but that’s not the point).
3. Logically explain how I am the Queen of the Universe and not get committed
4. Sing “Change the World” really, really well. I’m pretty good with “Give Me One Reason” as well. Oh, hell, let’s just admit it. I rock. My voice is mellifluous and all that hear me fall instantly in love with me (yes, yes, I am kidding. They do not. But they should. Dammit).
5. Keep my New Year’s Resolution to not kill anyone. Only a little bit over 4 months to go.
6. Read over 1800 words per minute. I don’t like to do it because that’s not the whole point to reading but I can. Isn’t it good to know that if the fate of the free world depended on this, I’d be able to step in and save us all?
7. Embrace Chaos. Adore Chaos. Give Chaos a big kiss on the mouth.
Seven things I can’t do:
1. Eat tomatoes without gagging (yuck, yuck, yuck).
2. Clean up after myself without much complaining.
3. Watch previews of movies about horses and not cry (Stupid horses).
4. Live without my friends. Literally. If it wasn’t for them, I would be dead now.
5. Resist bread. Mmm. Bread AND butter.
6. Have a normal, healthy romantic relationship with a member of the opposite sex (so far. Hoping this will change in the near future).
7. Stop embellishing and exaggerating.
Seven things that attract me to the opposite sex:
1. A sense of humor. Not afraid to laugh at themselves.
2. Intelligent but does not look down on others for not having the same or higher intelligence level or different opinions.
3. Confident but not arrogant.
4. I like big noses. Not sure why but I do. And mobile, expressive faces. No pretty boys for me. I’d rather be with someone who looks like Stanley Tucci or Rowan Atkinson.
5. Likes my friends AND my friends like him.
6. Likes or tolerates karaoke. I am not giving up Sunday nights at the Chalet.
7. As much as I hate to say this, he should be logical. But not so logical that he can’t enjoy my regularly scheduled flights of fancy. He should not exist only to harsh my buzz.
Seven things I say the most:
1. Eh.
2. What was I thinking (usually followed by the slapping of my forehead if I am remembering my misguided liking of Puffy)?
3. That is just wrong.
4. But Keem!
5. I cannot do (whatever I don’t want to do). There might be vampires.
6. Shut up (when someone points out something that is logical (such as that there are no vampires in the freezer) or truthful (such as I do like Gil even when I try to pretend I do not) or doesn’t say anything at all (but I know they are thinking it). It is not meant to be a rude shut up. It is meant to be a “Yes, yes, I know that I am being illogical or full of denial or a dork” shut up)
7. I am the Queen of the Universe.
Seven celebrity crushes (okay, I have to update this because this was my old list):
1. Johnny Knoxville replaces Seth Green
2. Will Smith
3. Jason Statham (Yes! Transporter 2 in one month!
4. Vince Vaugh replaces Mark Wahlberg
5. Matt Damon replaces Halle Berry (She’s still gorgeous but hello! Matt Damon. Yum)
6. Rowan Atkinson
7. Stanley Tucci
A few people I want to take this quiz:
Anyone who wants. I am not demanding. Shut up, Keem.
Hi. Because I am all about educating you, my faithful readers (all seven of you), here are some things that I have learned over the years.
1. When buying a new comforter and sheet set, it is perhaps a good idea to wash said comforter and sheet set in hot water before putting said comforter and sheet set on your bed. The reason for this is because, while your new comforter and sheet set has a completely and totally awesome Chips Ahoy print,
you may find yourself having a conversation such as this one:
Cream Puff Man (CPM or, as I like to call him, Puffy – partly because he is so puffed up with his own importance): Why are you blue?
He is not referring to my mood. No, he is referring to the fact that my skin was a lovely Chips Ahoy blue. Which, while it will immediately make my mouth water when I see it on a Chips Ahoy package, is not the color I want my skin to be. I am not prejudiced against those who are blue, of course. As many can tell you, I am quite fond of Cookie Monster and Blue of the M&M family (as evidenced in this post). I have no feelings about Blue from Blue’s Clues. I have an incredible crush on Beast from the X-Men but who could blame me? Not only is he intelligent and funny, he is also massively hot. If you like your men covered in blue fur. Which I apparently do.
DM: I bought Chips Ahoy sheets and it turned my skin blue.
Puffy: What are you? Five (said in a horribly condescending manner)?
DM: No. I just like Chips Ahoy.
This irritates me, by the way. While I have proven many a time that I act like I am five (the whole clapping enthusiastically at the sight of balloons, telling co-workers random things such as today’s brainy conversation starter “I have Cheez-its,” hugging the occasional tree, etc), I believe that this is what keeps me young and vital and, well, just gosh darn fun. Obviously something that Puffy has never been and would not understand the concept of unless it came up and bit him on his hideous plumber like ass crack nose.
2. When you decide to dye your hair the color of Luscious Raspberries and the box says “Hey, this product will stain your skin, you dumb moron, you really should protect yourself by oh, reading the directions and covering your skin with vaseline (or something like that),” maybe,
just maybe, you should follow the instructions on a box of hair dye for once in your life. Because they are not lying! Not only will you end up with a scalp that is bright red and looks like you have been, forgive the pun, scalped, you will also end up with a pink bath tub. Which will irritate your roommate. Who is already irritated because she got hair dye all over her nightgown when she was dying your hair.
3. After taking a shower and then waking up your roommate because it was your turn to shower first, if you decide to go back to bed for a bit, it would be a good idea to make sure that you are not sleeping directly on your lovely new (and wet) pink/red hair. The reason for this is that you will, after your roommate wakes you up, walk into the bathroom to brush your teeth and realize that your cheek and temple are quite pink. And, while you have always had a problem with having rosier than normal cheeks, this is not the same thing. You will then spend the next 5 minutes trying to scrape your skin back to its normal (but not normal) color.
4. When trying to come up with a song that fits your post, spend several minutes laughing because you remember how a former friend of yours would sing certain songs and sound like Kermit the Frog which was so not the celebrity he was trying to mimic. And then you remember how Johnny sang for you when you and Beth arrived in Portugal and how she sounded like Kermit deliberately and how you laughed and laughed and gosh, wouldn’t it be nice if you could go back to Portugal right now? And then you remember how Bryan’s cousin was at the Chalet one night and how he sang the Rainbow Connection and how incredibly well he did singing it and how he managed to completely sound like the person whose song he was singing (such as Kermit, Neil Diamond and Axl Rose) and how that was really kind of hot. And then realize that you have called two men in this post hot and one of them is a fictional character that just happens to be blue. Wonder why you have not yet been locked up yet.
Rainbow Connection – by Kermit the Frog
Why are there so many songs about rainbows
and what’s on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
and rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we’ve been told and some choose to believe it.
I know they’re wrong, wait and see.
Someday we’ll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
Who said that every wish would be heard
and answered when wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what it’s done so far.
What’s so amazing that keeps us star gazing
and what do we think we might see?
Someday we’ll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
All of us under its spell. We know that it’s probably magic.
Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I’ve heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that called the young sailors.
The voice might be one and the same.
I’ve heard it too many times to ignore it.
It’s something that I’m supposed to be.
Someday we’ll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
—–Original Message—–
From: Rachel
Sent: Monday, August 22, 2005 9:00 AM
To: Dana
This is horrible (it was incredibly busy when she emailed me).
How was your weekend? I am so tired!
_____________________________________________
From: Dana
Sent: Monday, August 22, 2005 11:46 AM
To: Rachel
Hmm. My weekend. Let’s see.
Saturday was good. We had some people come over, including my sister and brother-in-law. I was teased unmercifully by family and friends. Well, actually, we mocked everyone for fun so it was a good time.
Sunday? Sunday was obviously cursed. And it (the evil curse) is heading into Monday.
Keem and I got up early to go and take pictures at the Como Park Conservatory. This should be fun, right? No. Because hordes of thousands of people, clutching their children’s hands, have descended upon the park. We hightail it out of there. Well, hightail might not be the right word because we are stuck in traffic for approximately 20 minutes, just waiting to turn right. We did, however, find some parks and spent a lovely two hours or so taking pictures. Nice day for it, good exercise. Keem only had one crazy lady approach her and talk to her about some cave and how her son used to play in the cave (the crazy lady’s son, not Keem’s. Keem doesn’t have a son. That she knows about).
Went to get hair dye, Keem suggested I try the Luscious Raspberries color. It comes with a bleach kit, which fortunately we decided not to use. The color is kind of bright but fun. Keem dyes my hair and looks like her hands are covered in blood when she is done. After washing my hair, I look in the mirror and realize that I look like someone tried to scalp me. My ear also has hair dye on it. But the color turned out so very cool. I just can’t play with my hair without having someone scream out “Oh, my God, are you bleeding?” Yes, that was an exaggeration.
Went to the Chalet (Beth posted about this here as well). Bobby (bartender) is not there, he and his girlfriend had their baby. Yay, Bobby! Apparently there was a shooting at Lake McCarran Park which is across the street from the Chalet. Theresa announces that karaoke is going to be delayed because of this and Bryan has to go an alternate route to get to the bar. After Bryan arrives, we find out that there were two shootings, one about five minutes after the first. So we are, literally, in the middle of a double homicide investigation. When I say in the middle of, I mean that the roads have been blocked off and no one can get in or get out of the Chalet. So there are only 13 of us at the Chalet, including Bryan and Theresa. No Gil. No The Boy. The Chalet ends up closing at 12:30 and Beth and I are at a loss. We end up going to Perkins out in Fridley and hanging out for an hour and then headed back to my place and sitting out front and talking. No Gil. Sigh. Stupid dead people (okay, totally inappropriate but it was more than likely gang related and I am ticked off).
Today I have told two people good when they revealed some sort of tragedy, not meaning to, of course. One lady I told her she could sign in her capacity as custodian and she was pleased to know that because her son is in Iraq. I say good. Then I realize that and apologize profusely while she laughs at me because she knows what I mean. Same thing with the lady who’s father died. ARGH!
I poured hot water over my finger while cleaning out my vase. Nice burn. OUCH.
No Gil. Stupid, stupid dead people.
Can I go home?
It’s that time of year again. Today is my mother’s birthday. I am not allowed to tell you how old she is, that could result in my immediate death. Which, hey, would get her up to Minnesota but not exactly the best reunion we could have.
She called me earlier, leaving a message for me, singing “Happy Birthday” to herself. Unfortunately Mom is not in Arizona right now so I can’t call her. Our communications are mainly through email and instant messenging. Oh, and yeah, I have a blog so she can’t complain about not knowing what’s going on in my life. It’s right there for her to read, which she doesn’t. I am so neglected. Sob.
Mom’s birthday present (and Christmas present) is a lap-top so that we can communicate better since she does not have computer access in wherever the heck she is right now (Wyoming? I think) and has to rely on the library. Libraries only allow you so much time on their computers but they do use wireless internet so she could surf and email and oh, maybe read my blog while sitting in the air conditioning.
This is the post that I wrote for Mom last year. It has some pretty interesting Mom stories on it. I have not actually seen my mother in close to two years, she was last up here when Josh was born (he will be 2 on October 3rd. Good Lord, they grow fast, don’t they) so I am excited that she’s going to be here in November and I am going to get her to go to karaoke. It will be fun, Mom. Trust me.
A lot of these links have been read by most of my readers, mainly these are for Mom. But hey, you could always read them again. I would be cool with that.
Story about my exposure to swearing that my Mom featured in.
Story about how Eric (the brother-in-law) fooled Mom through IM.
I am from… (Mom, this is a poem about my growing up. You should read it.)
Five things I miss from my childhood.
The post I wrote for Mother’s Day.
Here’s another fun Mom story from her last visit. Kari, Mom and I went up to Mahtomedi High School (my alma mater) to play bingo. When we got there, Mom said she didn’t think there would be a lot of people since the weather was so bad. We (Kari, myself and the few other people sitting around us) all looked at her dumbfounded.
“What bad weather?” we all wanted to know. “It’s pretty nice out.*”
*Disclaimer. November in Minnesota – pretty nice out means there was no snow, it was above 30 degrees and it was only raining a little. It wasn’t frozen rain, just kind of cold. Mom should remember this but she’s lived in Arizona for quite some time and has fallen into the snow bird mind set. She’s not even a snow bird because she doesn’t come back for the summer!
My mother rocks. Just so you all know. She raised Kari and I by herself from the time I was 13 and my Dad wasn’t all that much help when they were still married. I was reminded of how classy my Mom was the other day, when I saw two factions from a divorce clash, disregarding how they might make their child feel by the comments they were making about one another. My Mom never once said anything bad about my Dad.
She is the proud grandmother of Joshua (I would post pictures but that is verboten by the sister) and respects the fact that she is probably never getting a grandchild from me. She does not acknowledge Eddy as her grandcat but maybe she will someday. Of course, I lose out on that as well because Kari has her other grandcat, Sebastian. Kari is so ahead of me in the good daughter contest.
Mom, you will appreciate this. Kari and Eric were over the other day and the topic came up about the fact that I don’t drive. I said I never had a first car and Kari says and I quote “You could have had a car. You chose books.” I do not remember being asked if I wanted a car or books. Can we go back in time? I could have my El Camino right now!
Love you very much!
D
Oh, and a story to come, when I get around to it, will be the post about my Mom’s chili. Remember this, Mom? Going to Pine City? It will be fun.
Mother – by Howard Johnson
“M” is for the million things she gave me,
“O” means only that she’s growing old,
“T” is for the tears she shed to save me,
“H” is for her heart of purest gold;
“E” is for her eyes, with love-light shining,
“R” means right, and right she’ll always be,
Put them all together, they spell “MOTHER,”
A word that means the world to me.
I posted this at 3:00 AM on Sunday morning but then my stupid computer decided to thwart me. So I am going to post it again. And you better work, computer, or we will tangle (actually I’m at work now so it was my home computer that I’m going to tangle with).
I found this on frog’s blog and liked it. Frog got this from Goddess Dea but I’m not sure who she is so I can’t link to her as well. I think it’s a great idea and we should probably all do it. The only problem is, of course, is that this “assignment” is going to convince new readers of what a flake I really and truly am.
Here is what frog has on her blog, I’m not sure if these are her words or Goddess Dea but I liked what it says so I’m just copying directly.
Chances are people you don’t even know are being introduced to your journal every day, either randomly or through someone else. In addition to recent entries, people can get to know you better by what you posted in the past. With that in mind post a link to your entries on this day exactly six months ago, nine months ago, and a year ago. If there was no entry on that day, link the closest date.
Please remember that the post from nine months ago was written before I officially met Gil and the one from six months ago was written before I was aware that I liked him. I am not fickle. Really, I’m not. Oh, shut up. You sound like my sister.
And, because I’ve been singing the song to myself, here are the lyrics to “Chances Are.”
Chances Are – Johnny Mathis
Chances are ’cause I wear a silly grin
The moment you come into view
Chances are you think that I’m in love with you
Just because my composure sort of slips
The moment that your lips meet mine
Chances are you think my heart’s your Valentine
In the magic of moonlight when I sigh, “Hold me close, dear”
Chances are you believe the stars that fill the skies are in my eyes
Guess you feel you’ll always be the one and only one for me
And if you think you could
Well, chances are your chances are awfully good
Chances are you believe the stars that fill the skies are in my eyes
Guess you feel you’ll always be the one and only one for me
And if you think you could
Well, chances are your chances are awfully good
The chances are your chances are awfully good
Okay, in my last post, I asked for advice on breaking the touch barrier. Last night I got a bit of an education on how not to do this. And no, dear Internet, this education was not from anything I did. Gil, unfortunately, was not at karaoke so I was not able to feast my eyes on his visage, much to my regret.
No, this is something I observed, a mating dance, if you will, occuring between several of the patrons of the Chalet.
First we have our male. With his bright plumage, the male struts around the roost, drawing the attention of…oh, wait, sorry. I was channeling Marlon Perkins from Mutual of Omaha for a minute.
Okay, so the Chalet was super busy last night. It usually is on Thursdays, for reasons that escape me (I could see Friday and Saturday being busy but Thursday strikes me as odd). There were several tables cram-packed full of people when I arrived but I was lucky enough to snag a table towards the back. Even so, it was extremely loud and when Beth arrived, we had to raise our voices to communicate. The telepathy was obviously not working last night. As much as I love to sing and enjoy visiting the Chalet, I prefer Sundays because it is usually not as loud and you can manage a conversation without having to scream.
Towards the end of the evening, a group of young men came in (mid twenties to early thirties) and sat at the table in front of us. Beth began to fear for her life when two of the men stood over her and weaved around, waving their cigarettes over her head.
It was one of these men that I noticed, merely because he reminded me of a former banker from NABABNA. Like this former banker, this man (let’s call him Jack (short for Jackass)) tried to gain attention to himself by being as obnoxious as possible. He screamed along with the singers, he danced in the aisle between the tables and the bar and he completely freaked out one of his friends by leaning into whisper something to him and then sticking his tongue in his ear.
For some reason, unbeknownst to me, a fairly attractive woman up at the bar was responding to Jack’s advances. Perhaps she was attracted to extremely agressive men. As I watched, she leaned forward and lightly slapped his chest, as if to indicate “Oh, you’re so funny.” I turned to Beth and said “I don’t get it. How did she do that?”
It was so completely casual, this brief touch, that I was amazed. I can’t even begin to imagine doing this to Gil. And then this woman went a step beyond the casual touch. She left her hand on his chest, nothing major, still more than I could see myself doing. Then Beth and I glanced over at her again and were somewhat shocked. In Beth’s words “She grabbed his boob. He has man boobs and she grabbed them (something like that)!”
Liz arrived shortly after and we were talking about work and how the week had gone when I glanced over at the girl and Jack again. Beth noticed this and said “There’s a way to break the touch barrier and there’s a way to appear like a total slut.” I agree and said “Yeah, especially since he just grabbed her ass.” And she looked completely shocked and pissed off about it.
I don’t know what happened between them next because I returned to the conversation with Beth and Liz. The next thing I knew was that the girl was gone and Jack was chatting up another woman, one who had sung a few times last night. Somehow they went from exchanging pleasantries to locking lips in the middle of the bar. A few minutes later, they were leaving together.
So here’s my challenge. I need to break the touch barrier, I need to let Gil know I am interested in him but not that I am going to throw myself at his feet and be his love slave. Well, at least not this week. Diana had a great suggestion and I might have to try it.
Anyway, in honor of Jack and his success with the ladies, I bring you a romantic love song from Rocky Horror Picture Show. As a reminder that this is not where I want things to go. Lucky for me, Gil is not anything like Jack. Thank God.
So how is your week going?
UPDATED – COMMENTS ADDED TO POST ITSELF.
I tried three times to comment on my own comments and was rejected each time. It was quite frustrating.
Beth, well, as it is now Monday, you know why I was not yet able to break the touch barrier. Argh!
For the rest of you, I’ll be posting briefly on this but if you want info now, check out Beth’s blog.
Teri, the Uptown theater in Minneapolis used to play this movie and have all of the toast flinging and water spraying and newspaper wearing. It was great. I saw my first drag queen there. Totally cool.
As for touch me songs, the Divinyls is the only one there and I have sung it before. Just not recently. I may have to try it again.
Carol, I have missed you! Thank you for the multitude of comments. Very fun to read. This is not a bad suggestion, actually. Of course, you all realize that if his friend still reads my blog, my cover is going to be completely blown when I try these suggestions. But the hell with it. I am going to break this barrier. Life is short, as I discovered last night. It is not worth waffling over to touch or not to touch, that is the question.
Diana, you would think, wouldn’t you? I’ll have to give it a shot. Plus, it’s totally a fun song to sing, especially on a crowded night.
Nancy, thanks for visiting! I’ll have to check out your blog soon. This is a good suggestion as well. Normally no problem with touching, just I really like him and that causes me to freeze.
Mark, I have missed you as well! I so love this idea. It is completely hilarious and wouldn’t be obvious at all. Right. Thanks for all the other comments.
Beth. Yeah, I could have added it to the list. Wouldn’t have done me one bit of good but I could have. Maybe next week.
Betty, HI! I have missed you. I will stop by and say hello.
Teri, I don’t know if the Chalet has Embraceable You. I’ll have to check. OH, and download it from iTunes because I don’t know the song at all.
Everyone, wonderful suggestions. Hopefully this will work. I will break the touch barrier. I will. And he won’t give me a disdainful look and wonder why the heck I would ever think he would be interested in me. Because I don’t fear rejection at all. No. I’m so confident.
Touch-A, Touch-A, Touch Me from Rocky Horror Picture Show
Janet Weiss: I was feeling done in
Couldn’t win
I’d only ever kissed before
Columbia: You mean she?
Magenta: Uh huh
Janet Weiss: I thought there’s no use getting
Into heavy petting
It only leads to trouble
And seat wetting
Now all I want to know
Is how to go
I’ve tasted blood and I want more
Magenta and Columbia: More, more, more!
Janet Weiss: I’ll put up no resistance
I want to stay the distance
I’ve got an itch to scratch
I need assistance
Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me
I wanna be dirty
Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me
Creature of the night
Then if anything grows
While you pose
I’ll oil you up
And rub you down
Magenta and Columbia: Down, down, down!
Janet Weiss: And that’s just one small fraction
Of the main attraction
You need a friendly hand
And I need action
Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me
I wanna be dirty
Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me
Creature of the night
Columbia: Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me
Magenta: I wanna be dirty
Columbia: Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me
Magenta: Creature of the night
Janet Weiss: Oh, touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me
I wanna be dirty
Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me
Creature of the night
Rocky Horror: Creature of the night
Brad Majors: Creature of the night?
Dr. Frank-N-Furter: Creature of the night
Magenta: Creature of the night
Riff Raff: Creature of the night
Columbia: Creature of the night
Rocky Horror: Creature of the night
Janet Weiss: Creature of the night!
Beth posted this meme and, since I’m working on several posts and need something to keep you, my beloved readers, from throwing up your hands in despair since I have nothing new, I am going to gleefully steal it. Here’s the deal. The list is alphabetical and, for each letter, you list your favorite band or artist. She found the meme here. Like her, for artists, I will use either their first or last name to fit the meme accordingly.
A. Aimee Mann
B. Bryan McDonald (Medium)
C. Chris Isaak
D. Def Leppard
E. Etheridge, Melissa
F. Five For Fighting
G. Ghost of the Robot (James Marsters former band. You might remember him as Spike (mmm, Spike) from Buffy and Angel)
H. Herman’s Hermits
I. Indigo Girls
J. Jack Johnson
K. Kane (Christian Kane is their lead singer. You might remember him from Angel as the devious and gorgeous Lindsey)
L. The Lightning Seeds
M. Meat Loaf
N. No Doubt
O. Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark
P. Presley, Elvis
Q. Queen
R. Ray Charles
S. Sharp, Bree
T. Tom Petty
U. U2
V. Van Morrison
W. The Who
X.
Y. Yanni (Yes, I am just kidding)
Z. ZZ Top
