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Barely. But I am at work right now. I am no longer worshiping the porcelain god. I was telling my co-workers what the last 36 hours were like for me and they laughed. Can you imagine this? Laurie, when she was done chortling, said “It’s not funny that it happened but it’s funny the way that you tell it.” Apparently, my tale of woe of being huddled at the bottom of the shower with steaming hot water pouring over me and the vomiting and the reverse vomiting was amusing. Sigh. Where is the symphathy? Obviously it is only you, my gentle readers, that really care about me. Which I adore you for.
I was able to eat solid food yesterday but that was a mistake. So today I am trying an all liquid diet. I have a 64 ounce container of orange pineapple juice, V8 Splash tropical blend (which normally I love but today was not so thrilled with so I gave one bottle to a co-worker and mixed the other one with cran-grape juice), Ocean Spray Cran-Grape juice and two cans of Campbell’s Soup at Hand, creamy chicken (and I’d like to say to the Campell Soup people, why are you trying to kill us? Is it really necessary to put 890 mg of sodium in one little container of soup?). And, of course, my large 64 ounce water bottle filled with refreshing water. I love water. It is our friend.
My goodness, isn’t my life exciting? I have just regaled you all with what I’m going to be drinking today. How fun.
Speaking of juice, Keem received a Magic Bullet for Christmas (suddenly, that just sounds so terribly wrong). You may have seen the infomercial for the Magic Bullet. It is called the ultimate smoothie machine, etc. Keem made a wonderful fettucine alfredo with chicken on Tuesday night with fresh parmesan. It was quite yummy. Anyway, she had also bought some fresh pineapple, grapes and apples to make juice with. I was craving juice on Thursday so she decided to make some.
The juice she made was this somewhat green, thick concoction that frightened me a little but I was brave. My, it was foamy. I finally ended up cutting it with some Welch’s grape juice. We will probably not be making juice at home very often because this one glass took 3 apples, half a bag of grapes and half of the pineapple. Cheaper to buy it premade, thanks. We later found out the reason why it was so thick and foamy was because she hadn’t installed the juicer portion properly and all of the grape skins had found their way into the juice. Yeah. I probably would have been better off if I tried eating it with a spoon. Keem had a great time laughing at my reactions to the juice (note: she didn’t drink any. She’d like to say it is because she is so self sacrificing and noble but we know the real reason).
So, a couple of different things.
Why do these food preparation places think that the Magic Bullet and the Thunder Stick are good names for something that is basically a blender? These are not names that make me think of food. They make me think of other types of appliances, such as you might buy at flea’s shop.
Speaking of flea and her shop, there has been some clamoring for knowledge about what I bought so, without further ado (except for the following disclaimer), I will reveal all.
Mom! Do not read this! I will be discussing sexual things. Avert your eyes!
I’m not sure why I’m so worried about my mom – this is a woman who I had the following conversation with when I was 18:
Mom: Why are you shaving your legs?
DM: Because I’m going to have sex with Mark tonight and I want to make sure my legs are smooth.
Mom: Don’t you masturbate?
DM: Mother!
As you can imagine, I was a bit stunned by that question. Mothers are not supposed to ask these questions (although why I felt the need to tell her I was going to have sex is kind of bizarre as well).
Anyway, I purchased the LAYspot which was manufactured in Germany so it is very efficient and ergonomic in shape. It is, well, interesting. That’s about the only way to describe it. There are some designing problems that I’d like to address with the company, such as the battery cap falls off fairly easily – at the wrong time! And the convenient plus/minus buttons are hard to distinguish in the dark. I’m sure I’ll figure it out eventually.
I also bought the Pleasure Paws. Believe me when I say that this is the best toy ever. Lots of people swear by the Rabbit but some of us (that would be me) have been celibate for many, many years and are not in the mood for anything to invade sensitive areas. There. That’s as tactful as I can get. Oh, and it’s so cute. It is purple with this little tiny bear on the top.
I would recommend, if you are ever in the mood to buy a toy or two, that you should buy them from flea. If you have questions about something, you can email her and she will respond on her blog (but she won’t reveal your name). She answers questions about just about anything you can think of and she is funny and smart and I adore her. I would rather buy things from her than the larger companies.
As for the pirate film, I actually didn’t watch it until Friday night (had the place to myself). It was okay. There were no subtitles, which is so irritating because, hello, I live in an apartment so I can’t turn up the sound too much. Do I really want the neighbors to be hearing a lot of panting and moans? No, I do not. The acting was stilted at best but I wasn’t expecting much. As for the sex, well, yeah, it was good but not very believable. Take, for example, the required lesbian scene (for the record, this is not my requirement but appears to happen in every porn movie ever made). This takes place with the heroine, a very blonde woman with a kind of horsey face, being threatened by a pirate chick. Pirate chick is brunette (which was nice because every other woman was blonde and it gets annoying after awhile. Your eyes start burning from all of the bleach). They are surrounded by a bunch of pirate men, including one who has no legs and gets around by using his arms to swing him from place to place. Interesting.
Anyway, pirate chick has blonde chick tied to a chair and blonde chick says “Don’t you touch me, I’ll tell my husband on you!” Pirate chick is just shaking in her pirate boots (I am assuming she was wearing boots, wasn’t really paying attention) and starts ripping off blonde chick’s clothes off. Blonde chick is upset by this until pirate chick finds a sensitive area with her tongue (that’s all you get) and then blonde chick giggles and falls at pirate chick’s feet, begging to be played with in front of all of the other pirates.
Now, I ask you, if you have been a) kidnapped by pirates, b) about to cheat on your husband and c) are about participate in a lesbian encounter for the first time, would you be willing to do this in front of a bunch of pirates? These aren’t cute pirates, either, like Steve the Pirate. No, they are dirty and unwashed and kind of greasy looking. Not my idea of a good time. But blonde chick is all excited about it.
So I guess what I’m saying is that the movie would probably have been a lot more interesting for me if I would have been watching it with someone special. Like Steve the Pirate.
Mom, you can start reading again.
So, Betty (Rob’s (Rob is Eric’s dad) girlfriend) gave me a bunch of books. They are Intrigue novels, published by Silhouette or Harlequin or some romance pushing book publisher. They’re not bad, on a whole, because, while the romance is a part of it, they are also mysteries. I like mysteries. Betty, bless her, saves her books for me. Anyway, I needed a new book so I grabbed the first one out of the bag. As I was walking along, I noticed the title.
The first thought I had was “Oh, Beth would like this book. It is about a cowboy who does math problems.” You know. pi = 3.14159265 (which I can’t believe I actually knew the first part of this. I knew it was 3.14 before hitting Google. I am so brilliant!)
Then I flipped the book over to read the back (I always do this. Even if I’ve read the book before. I don’t know why).
Yeah. It’s not about a cowboy solving math problems. It’s Cowboy P.I. as in private investigator. Not quite the same thing. It’s called a period, people! It comes in handy. Punctuation is our friend.
Hello. As you may have guessed by the title, I am home right now. Do you know why? Oh. You might have figured that out from the title as well.
I am not sure what is wrong but Keem wasn’t feeling good all day yesterday at work. We came home and she was almost crying because she was so cold, even when I piled up 3 blankets on top of her. Her entire body was sore and her stomach ached horribly. Not good. I stayed in her room until she fell asleep, just in case she needed something (well, that and she has this computer game I’m addicted to that I don’t have on my computer).
Do not read the following if you have a weak stomach.
After she fell asleep, I went into the kitchen to get water and, as I was coming back to my room, I had to suddenly detour into Jeff’s bathroom. There is nothing more than I hate in life than throwing up. It is horrible. Fortunately, I had not yet ate supper so it was just a whole bunch of bile (Keem and I have different opinions about this. She would rather throw up food than bile. I think she is insane. We have both agreed, however, that there is no way either of us could be bulimic). Unfortunately, at the same time, the force of the vomiting caused another problem. I’m sure you can figure it out. Eww.
Okay. You can start reading again.
I heard Keem say “Dana? Are you throwing up?” She then went and got me a wash cloth that she ran under hot water and found me a heating pad (since my stomach had started hurting as well) and found me an extra blanket because I was now freezing. As she went to put the heating pad and blanket on my bed, she laughed and said “It’s the sick tending the sick.”
I decided that I absolutely had to take a shower right then and there because I was unclean and climbed into the shower. One thing about me that you might not know is that I hate hot showers. I prefer to have the water luke warm. Not this time. I cranked up the water as hot as I could stand it and then kept turning it up because I was so cold. I ended up sitting in the tub with the water showering down on me. Steam was rising all around me but I was so cold. Finally I climbed out of the tub and went to bed.
About 2 or 3 AM, I woke up and felt like I was going to throw up again so I went online. Didn’t know that was a cure for illness, did you? Actually it helped because I was sitting up and drinking some water and trying to control the nausea. Beth was online so I talked to her for a little while about going to karaoke tonight (because I was sure this was just a bug). I went back to bed and slept until 5:30 AM.
At that time, I had to get up, feeling like I was going to throw up again. Well, sitting at the computer had worked so well last time, I’d try it a second time.
Again, don’t read if you are squeamish.
It didn’t work. I leapt up and raced to the bathroom. I didn’t make it. I got to the bathroom door and then my mouth flew open and streams of bile shot out. Lucky, lucky me. The floor, part of the counter and I were covered. Oh, the joy. Fortunately most of it landed on the towel we use as a bath rug. After cleaning it up (and myself), I went back to bed, crying because I was in so much pain and felt sick and couldn’t pull the blankets just right over me because it hurt my stomach to move and I was so damn cold.
Okay, you can read again.
Anyway, that’s why I’m home. That’s why Keem is home. No clue what caused this other than we both spent the weekend with small children and Josh was getting a cold. Maybe Keem’s neice and nephew were sick as well.
Beth, I am not going to be able to go out tonight but I was thinking that tomorrow I could meet you at the Chalet so we can go to Matt’s party. I am not missing that.* Old Mexico is close to there and that way you don’t have to drive all the way to Saint Paul to get me. I’m sorry about this. But I can’t afford to miss work tomorrow (no PTO left. Today is going to be unpaid) so I just want to stay home and hopefully get back to normal.
*Unless, of course, I die. It could happen. I feel like someone is cutting my stomach out from the inside.
Hope you all have a good day and do not get sick. It sucks.
Yesterday I checked the mail when I got home and received 4 packages.
Two of these packages were books that I purchased off of eBay (mmm, books).
1 was my Christmas present to myself from flea’s shop. I am not telling you what I ordered. That would be too much information.
The fourth one was from Joe. Dear, sweet Joe who meets all of the criteria of my man check list. Well, except for Number 5, which is pretty important and the main reason why I haven’t rushed off to marry him.
Would you like to know what I received from Joe? Would you? I bet you would.
Here is the note he sent to me, the first thing I saw when I opened the package.
Dana,
I know that you like your karaoke evenings, and you have lots of friends there – but I wanted to get you something different, that no one you know would give you -
Merry Christmas
Joe
PS – Wait for a dark and stormy night.
I look at the note and then at the gift. It is a DVD. It is kind of a dark box with weird printing on it. And then I see something about cotton candy.
DM: Oh, he did not.
I start laughing. Joe sent me, much to my (hilarity invoking) dismay, Killer Klowns From Outer Space. I’m not sure when it was but we had a discussion, in comments, about my fear of clowns and he suggested I watch this movie. To which I replied, quite politely, that he was insane or smoking the crack. Well, I’m just assuming this because I can’t remember what post this was on.
Joe, thank you for a unique and thoughtful gift. I will watch this movie. I’m not sure when I will do it because I will not be watching it alone (or on a dark and stormy night) but maybe, just maybe I can casually bring this up at karaoke some night and convince Gil it would be vital that he watch it with me.
You have to love a movie that has the tag line “In Space, no one can eat ice cream.”
This has been quite the evening. It’s 5:48 AM and I should be going to bed but not yet. I don’t have to work tomorrow (today) and I have the apartment all to myself and I am loving the solitude (not that my roommates are loud or anything but it is nice to not have to worry about being quiet if I decide I want water or when I came home from karaoke).
I hope you all had a Merry Christmas/Holiday. I certainly did. Last night I got to spend the evening with Rob and Betty (Eric’s dad and his girlfriend). I always enjoy the time spent with them. They are a lot of fun. As you can imagine, Josh, as the only grandchild, was the center of attention. I wish you could have all seen him, he is so silly and funny and has such a great personality. The more time I spend around him, the more I start thinking “Hey, is this kid thing all that bad?” And then, thankfully, he gets really tired and cranky and there is this explosion of stubborness and I realize that I do not have the patience required for a child. I don’t know how all of you that have children do it. My hat is off to you. Well, it would be if I was wearing a hat.
When I was opening my presents over at Kari’s, before we went over to Rob and Betty’s, Kari asked Josh to hand me a present. Josh decided to rip the paper off of it. It was very cute, especially since we knew he wasn’t going to appreciate the clothing I received from Lane Bryant. He does the cutest thing now, when opening up a present, he will say “Oooh.” You know, like you do when you’re opening a present and it’s really exciting and just what you wanted. He has obviously picked this up from us. Then, when told that the present was for me and he should give it to me, he picked up the shredded wrapping paper and starts covering the box up with it. Okay, maybe you had to be there but dang it, I thought it was adorable.
Today, we went over to Eric’s mother’s house. I was asked the other day if I didn’t have any family of my own to spend time with and it was a little irritating. Kari, Eric and Josh are my family and I think it is very sweet of both of Eric’s parents to open up their homes to me for the holidays. His sisters are also very nice to me. As far as I’m concerned, they are my family.
It took a little doing and wrestling Eric away from the television (Vikings were playing. Big deal. The Vikings are not more important than karaoke) but I did get him to drive me up to the Chalet where I met Beth. Becky and her friend Linda were there as well. Becky is doing much better dealing with the break-up with Nate. I wrote her a quick Christmas card with her new mantras on them.
Becky’s Mantras
(Repeat After Me)
- I am beautiful.
- I am a good person (well, something like that. Not sure).
- I deserve a man with hair.
- Nate is not only bald but stupid.
She got a good laugh out of them. Which was my secret and not so evil plan.
Bryan was later than usual but we figured he was waiting for the football game to be over. Stupid football. Meanwhile, Angie and Steve, along with half of her family arrived. There was Cousin Greg and his girlfriend Amber and two other cousins that I was introduced but can’t remember their names. Also along was Rick, Angie’s brother. Rick was wearing a sweatshirt that said Guinness on it. He told the story of how his mother had bought it for him thinking it said Genius and didn’t realize until later that it was Guinness. How perfect is that?
Amy was there as well and she gave Angie her Christmas presents. There was a candle holder that she had bought and then personalized by using stickers about friendship. This was the coolest idea ever and I can’t wait to start doing it myself.
Angie is getting a lot of flack from some of her relatives because she is dating Steve. Not because the relatives don’t like Steve, he’s pretty damn likeable, but because he is Lutheran. Apparently it is better for Angie to be a lapsed Catholic than to go to church (and enjoy it) with Steve. Amy was told that Angie’s family is now going to start referring to her as Lutheran Amy instead of just Amy. I said something about how they could refer to us as Athiest Bryan, Agnostic Beth and Born Again Dana. This is one of the reasons that I don’t go to church, you would think that people would be happy that everyone has their own beliefs but no, there is too much judgemental crap that goes along with religion. Take the whole stupid war on Christmas. There is no war on Christmas. You get two groups of people that have to fight about everything – the PC Zealots and the Fundamentalist Fruitcakes. I know perfectly well that there are other religions and that not everyone believes the same as me. That’s fine. Do you see me running around telling everyone that they’re going to go to hell because they don’t have the same beliefs as me? No. Because I don’t think that way. I don’t think anyone has the right to tell others what to believe or not to believe.
Okay, completely off subject. Sorry. Holiday vant over.
We ended up pulling five or six tables together and were having a great time laughing and talking. Bryan finally arrived (did I mention that football is stupid?) and I gave him the Christmas card I had for him, Liz and Theo (their dog). He, in turn, handed me a present. I had a pretty good idea what it was, the DVD I have been begging him for quite some time, possibly 2 years. Beth has a picture of me opening the present. This DVD is phenomenal. There is a documentary of the making of a movie called Smoke Fire – here is a description from Bryan’s website – “In a world infested by ninjas and an evil genius with a robotic killing arm, one man stands tall. When John Smoker’s computer expert girlfriend is kidnapped and forced to create a device capable of catastrophic consequences, there’s no such thing as negotiation. SMOKE FIRE is a super explosive action thriller with non-stop action, complex characters and sweeping tales of beautiful romance.” It is quite possibly the funniest thing ever. There’s a bunch of movie previews on the DVD as well.
It was Andrew’s birthday and, when we got there, he was rather drunk and in his truck. Angie and Becky went to go check on him and found that he was doing somewhat better. He found his way in eventually and Becky had the idea that we (Angie, Beth, Becky and myself) should sing “I Touch Myself” for him. Amy dragged him out and we sung to him. When we got to the part “When I think of you, I touch myself” we substituted Andrew for you. His response? “I know.” Not a modest man, our Andrew. Which makes us love him just that much more.
Craig was there. He was filling in Becky on all of the things that she had missed last Sunday. He told her all about the crazy Woman with Annoying Voice and how I told Beth and Angie that there was no way I would ever sing Strokin’ and then ten minutes later I ended up singing it. He thought that was funny. Angie promised to sing Strokin’ when she got drunk enough and also alternated between Strokin’ and Vibratin.’ When she got to the part about the “sat’ified woman,” she decided to bring me into her song. So she changed the lyrics to “You can always tell when Dana’s man is sat’ified ’cause he starts calling her name. Huricane Dana.”
There was some strange guy who would come up and sit at the table next to us, right near the stage. When Jason was singing “We Didn’t Start the Fire,” this guy, who we began referring to as “Creepy Tall Guy,” would get up and start dancing in place for a little while and then sit back down. It was weird.
Now there’s nothing wrong with dancing, we’ve done it ourselves. But normally we stay at our own table to chair dance or dance with a group. We have even done interactive karaoke when Amy sings some song that I can’t remember the name of but we refer to as the “Wings” song. We do not go stand in front of the stage and do this sort of half shuffle with this scary grin on our faces.
Towards the end of the evening, Liz, James, Matt and Dean all came up. Stefanie and Lisa Jo were there as well and were singing something by Salt & Pepa’ – something about a mighty man? Creepy Tall Guy ended up sitting at the end of our table and would stand up and do his weird little shuffle dance again. This completely cracked up Stefanie and she would end up losing it while Lisa Jo would continue singing. Barry was there with Cassie. There was this guy that we’ve seen up there before named Aaron but for some reason I thought his name was Kenny. I’m not really sure why.
I asked Liz what I should sing and she requested Leavin’ On A Jet Plane. Creepy Tall Guy sat at the table near ours and stared at me the entire time. Can you say creepy? When I was done, he came up to me and started asking me if I knew the song that went “clouds in my coffee, clouds in my coffee.” This is, of course, You’re So Vain. I’ve sung it before. He wants to know if I’ll sing it. Sure. Anything to get you to go away. I go and sit down. He follows me. This guy towers over me when I’m standing so it is not good to have him standing over me, leaning down to talk to me. Plus, keep in mind that I have a hard enough time hearing people on a regular basis. He’s slurring and it is also busy in the Chalet so I can barely make out what he is saying. Plus he is breathing his beer scented breath all over me. Remember how I said I only liked the way beer smelled on Gil? Yeah, well Creepy Tall Guy did not make me change my mind about that at all.
CTG: You know. The song. Clouds in coffee, clouds with my coffee.
DM: Yes. It’s called You’re So Vain.
CTG: I think it’s by Carly Simon.
DM: I know. I’ve sung it before.
CTG: I think you’re probably around my age, right?
DM: Uh…
CTG: Mumble not many people mumble remember mumble end mumble VietNam war.
DM: Uh…
CTG: But I always mumble like to mumble learn mumble mumble mumble.
DM: Okay.
As you can imagine, I was praying for someone to save me from him. And someone did but I can’t remember who. I think it might have been Dean who waved at me from one of the other tables. He was sitting with Aaron who I thought was named Kenny. I called out “Hi, Dean!” Then Aaron waved at me and I said “Hi, Kenny!” Then Beth, bless her, pulled me out of the conversation with Creepy Tall Guy by saying “Did you just call him Kenny? It’s Aaron.” Oops.
Creepy Tall Guy wandered away. Thank goodness.
Let’s see. What else happened? Um, I watched a woman kiss Gil and did not kill her. They are friends but there was a bit of jealousy. Mainly because it wasn’t me doing the kissing.
DM: I wish I had her guts. I wish I could walk right up to him and kiss him.
Liz: Well, he’s standing under something vaguely mistletoe like. You could do it.
DM: Liz. It’s a Santa Claus ornament.
Liz: You could say you were confused.
Needless to say, I didn’t use that excuse. I wish I had. Why am I such a coward? I’ve liked this guy since freakin’ APRIL! Liz did say something to me about the whole situation.
Liz: I wouldn’t say it was hopeless. But I wouldn’t say it was hopeful either. Maybe in 5 years. He’s just sort of asexual.
But there was more kissing to be done. Since we are all in that weird, goofy mood that we get in late at night and surrounded by friends, it was amusing to watch Barry and James kiss. Twice. Well, actually, it was kind of hot. And yes, they were joking around.
The following is what happened after the bar closed. And I just want to state right now that we are all horrible, evil people and are probably going to go to hell but we were all playing off of each other and it was funny. To us. You might not think it was funny. And then I would hope you would realize that we didn’t mean to offend anyone. Don’t get offended! Please?
The bar closes. Most of the people leave. Creepy Tall Guy is wandering around. He puts his jacket on. We are convinced that he is going to leave. He does not. He gravitates over to me.
CTG: You didn’t sing.
DM: No. There wasn’t time.
CTG: That’s too bad.
DM: Yes (not really, I suck at the song).
Aaron sits next to me and is talking to Liz.
A: Well, Liz, as you know, as a Puerto Rican Jew…(background, I don’t believe Aaron is Jewish. James has this fascination with Jews and had decreed that orange is the favorite color of Jews. Therefore Aaron, Cassie and I are all Jewish because it’s Cassie and my favorite color and Aaron was wearing a shirt with orange on it)
Creepy Thin Guy sits down at the end of the table.
A: Who’s this guy?
CTG: I’m just a guy. I’m interested in learning more about your religion.
A: Okay.
He turns back to Liz. He’s going to ignore Creepy Thin Guy.
A: Liz, as a Puerto Rican Jew who has been fucked over…
Liz: I understand, Aaron.
CTG: Says something I can’t hear.
This is where the evening just gets weird.
A: Liz, it’s just so hard. You can’t understand. No one knows. No one understands what I’ve been through.
Liz: I know, Aaron.
A: But you can’t (this is said in kind of a wail).
Liz: I’m sorry, I can’t appreciate your pain because I don’t have this situation but I know you’ve been through a lot.
CTG: When did you come to this country?
A: What? What? Do you think I just came here from Cuba last week? I’m an American. I’ve lived in Saint Paul all my life.
CTG: I’m from Roseville. Don’tcha know (he is trying to do the really annoying accent that everyone outside of Minnesota seems to think we have)?
A: I saw Fargo. I don’t talk like that.
CTG: I know, I just…
Aaron turns to us.
A: Who is this guy?
CTG: I just want to learn more.
A: Liz, it’s just so awful. With my family and everything that happened and…I’m just so verklempt, Liz. I’m verklempt.
He gives this fake sob and turns to me. Burying his head in my chest, he laughs to himself. This, of course, sets me off and I cover my mouth while stroking his head.
DM: Don’t cry, Aaron. You’re making me cry. I’m sorry I called you Kenny.
By this time, everyone is aware of what is going on, we’re playing off of what Aaron says and running with it. It is Improv Theater. And yes, we are all evil. We are aware of it. Please forgive us.
Bryan: Aaron, if it makes you feel any better, someone in my family died in the camps as well.
A (raises his head): Don’t you say that! It’s not the same, it’s not!
Liz: Bryan! I can’t believe you brought that up.
Bryan: Hey! Falling from the guard tower still counts.
CTG: But it was all so long ago. It doesn’t matter anymore.
Uh, what?
A: You need to leave! You need to go.
Creepy Thin Guy doesn’t take the hint.
Liz: So, how are we doing the arrangements for leaving tonight? Stefanie, you’re leaving with James, right?
S: Yes.
Liz: Cassie, you’re giving Barry a ride home?
C: Yes.
Liz: Beth? Who are you walking out with?
Beth snuggles up to Dean in this “Oh, hello, my best friend in the world, you are so wonderful, save me from the creepy guy” way.
Dean: I guess I’m walking out with Beth. And Dana.
Liz: Good. I’ll be leaving with Bryan. You can’t be too careful.
Creepy Tall Guy doesn’t realize that we are worried that he is a stalker freak possible serial killer and continues talking to Aaron.
CTG: So tell me about your religion. You light candles and there’s 12 days, right?
A: It’s not the 12 days of Hannakkuh, you idiot.
CTG (turning to Dean): You celebrate Kwanzaa.
Dean: What? What did you ask me? Do I look Swahiliiiiiiii (imagine Xena the Warrior Princess giving her war cry) to you? Do I?
CTG: Uh…
Dean: Just because I’m black doesn’t mean I celebrate Kwanzaa.
Liz: You’re black (this is an old joke between them. Imagine she is saying this in total shock)?! I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.
Dean: Liz, I’m brown as all get out.
You would think by this time that Creepy Thin Guy would figure out that he’s not wanted. But no. He still continues on, saying something to Dean that I don’t catch but I’m sure it’s about Kwanzaa. Do not read the following if you will get offended! I have warned you!
Dean: No. I am not Swahiliiiiiiiiian.
CTG: Mumble Kwanzaa mumble.
Dean: F*ck Kwanzaa.
CTG: Mumble.
Dean: No. I want you to say it. F*ck Kwanzaa.
CTG: F*ck Kwanzaa.
DM: Can’t we all just get along?
I’m trying to keep from laughing and my eyes are watering from the smoke and the whole situation. Liz has come over and is sitting with him. We are consoling him. Liz asks him to come over by the door so she can talk to him. They leave together. I have covered my face in my hands and am pretending to cry because it will allow m to laugh.
Someone says something to Beth about this.
Beth: Dana’s a very sensitive person. She’s very empathic.
Dean: Like that chick from Star Trek.
CTG: Ohura.*
*I came very close to saying “It’s Uhura, you idiot” but that would have been completely out of character.
Dean: No. The other one.
CTG: From the new show?
Dean: No! The other one.
I completely lose it and walk up to the bar to grab a napkin and pay. Bobby is trying not to laugh as well. He tells me that he’s been scolded because he lets us stay so late. He’s supposed to kick us all out by 2:15. It’s now 2:30. Oops. The napkin is not helping. I go into the bathroom and scrub off all of the eyeliner and mascara. When I come back, Aaron and Liz have returned. CTG is still there! Does he not take a hint?
I don’t remember what he said at the end but Aaron looked at him and said “You need to leave! Get out! Go right now!”
CTG finally gets up and walks out the door. We wait a few moments. Finally, all at once, we disolve into laughter. Oh, the relief.
Aaron comes up to me and hugs me. He hugs Liz and Beth as well. We are all laughing hysterically. Liz and he are talking about what they were saying in the corner. She had said something to him and he had done the high pitched “Liz, you just don’t understand” when she said “No, Aaron, I need you to be serious.” He responded, in a normal voice, “Sure, Liz, what do you need?” They decide if they ever need to do Improv, they will win for sure.
Then Bryan tells us what CTG told Bobby. Apparently he lives in Fridley. And rode his bike to the Chalet. That just makes us all laugh harder. Except for Beth since that’s where her mom lives.
We end up all leaving and Beth drives me home while we laugh about the entire evening. It was one of the stranger evenings that we’ve had at karaoke. We are looking forward to next Friday, which is Matt’s birthday.
Keem and I are going to see the Chronicles of Narnia next Saturday with Katie. Then Keem and I will meet Beth at Perkins for the 2nd annual Sheepsheadian Fridleykins New Year. We will ring the New Year in playing Sheepshead and perhaps I will wear a creamer bowl on my head and call it my hat again this year.
And then Beth and I will return to the Chalet on Sunday.
Merry Christmas, Happy Hannakuh, Happy Kwanzaa (unless you’re Dean), Happy Holidays! May you have a blessed and wonderful New Year! Any good New Year’s resolutions? I’m trying to come up with a good one. Any suggestions?
Beth picked me up and we headed to the Chalet. The place was busy but not as packed as it was last Thursday. We were able to get a table sitting right behind Joe Funko, Reverend James and their friend Jay. The topic came up about how the men had all met their significant others. Both Joe and Jay had met their wives at work and R James met Marion when he came into her work to sing karaoke.
There was a table up close to the stage that was filled with some younger kids (okay, they were probably around 23-24 but they were kids to me. Probably the way they were acting) and then next to Joe there were two older women, probably in their late forties. We noticed right away that one of the women was acting rather drunk. I swear I watched her do the macarena. Probably not but she was flailing her arms all over the place.
Joe mentioned that she had bumped her chest into his head and then said “Oops.” He said “If I bumped my crotch into someone and then just said ‘Oops’, I’d probably get arrested.” The woman was doing her best to attract Joe’s attention but he ignored her. She finally headed up towards the stage and started dancing in front of one of the guys at the table. Given a little more time and a tad more to drink, I think she would have given him a lap dance.
Later on a group of men and women came in. There was one guy called Jimmy who was a pretty good singer but kind of weird. His table started singing acapella “Brown Eyed Girl” R James joined in and I was singing along as well. One of the women at the table started talking to R James and he referred to this as armchair karaoke. She then told him she wanted to sing the song with him. He was okay with that.
Joe was telling us that R James had it so rough, he was athletic and good looking and women just gravitated to him. But, in this case, it was a bad thing. Not that this woman was bad looking or anything, she was just, oh, twice his age. But that didn’t stop her from fawning all over R James, telling him that he could be her brown eyed boy. When she came over and started hanging all over him, it was hard to keep from laughing.
Back at the future lap dancer’s table, some guy had joined them. He was a small, brownish looking man and looked familiar to me. I figured out why when I saw the commercial for Mr. Peanut on the television. The guy looked exactly like a walking, talking peanut. After the two women left, he stayed. And then fell asleep at the table. Beth told Joe she needed to take a picture of him and used it as an excuse to snap the peanut man’s picture. I’m sure she’ll post it soon.
Karaoke shut down early and we had a great time talking to Joe and R James and Liz when she joined us. We got to watch Andrew wake up peanut man twice and watched him finally stagger out of the bar. He dropped his cigarettes and Joe tried to give them to Liz but she refused, stating that he looked like the type of man who wouldn’t wash his hands after going to the bathroom so no way was she touching his cigarettes.
The evening ended with a discussion about the local strip club, the Lamplighter. I told the story about how I had been at a garage sale and found a baseball jacket that I really liked, it was comfortable and fit well. It wasn’t until I was at school one day that someone asked me if I worked there. I was very puzzled and that’s when I discovered that the Lamplighter was a strip club. I also shared my opinion that there’s something wrong with a strip club being in a strip mall.
Anyway, I’m off to Eric’s dad’s house to celebrate Christmas Eve. Hope you all have a great holiday, no matter what you celebrate or don’t. Love to you all!
So the boss (also known as Matt) and I were talking about why I wanted to go home and he made some smart alecky comment and I said “You’re not funny” and he said “Obviously I haven’t shown you this email I sent my friend” and I read it and laughed and said “Yeah, you are funny. You’re freakin’ brilliant. Can I publish that on my blog” and he said “Yes” and emailed it to me.
You might remember Matt from previous posts such as Just another reason why I love my job and Stuff (descriptive title that. It’s the one where I found out that my personality matched Captain Kirk (yay!)).
Anyway, this is an email he sent to a friend of his. I think it is hi-larious!
From: Matt
Sent: Thursday, December 22, 2005 10:07 AM
To: Matt’s friend
Subject: Dark days
Dark days are upon us my friend. The holidays are quickly drawing to a peak and survival is essential. Now with JC Day and other highly publicized birthdays coming up, I think yours is tomorrow, you must realize that people will not be this friendly in a week. Many victims have been claimed by happiness overload during these times. These poor souls have been seen in Christmas stores in July to get their mid year fix. They needed that taste of the holidays to hold them over for the long journey ahead. I have compiled some tips to help people through these times. Enjoy
- If you have to drink at all; get drunk. Nothing brings you back to reality better than a good hang over. That and picking pine needles off your clothes from trying to make relations with the Christmas tree. (It was asking for it)
- Step on a scale. There are a lot of cookie recipes that call for flour, butter, and sugar. They are the triad of chunky buns. The less you eat means the less guilty you will feel when you sleep in instead of going to the gym.
- Relatives are not forever. You don’t have to like them, you just have to tolerate them. There’s only so many times that you can listen about the time that Uncle Bob beat up your Mom’s prom date. You already know the story by heart so just smile politely and laugh at the appropriate times. Just make sure that there is something interesting going on behind them. That way it looks like you’re paying attention to them when you’re actually watching the football game on the other side of the room. Touchdown!!!!! Go Broncos!!!!
- Don’t ask for the gift receipt to return something. I have lost gifts after a month to only find out that a friend has mysteriously acquired the same item, and I have a new CD. Nobody’s feelings get hurt, and I’ve been meaning the replace that stolen Alice in Chains CD for a while anyway.
- Strategic napping. Nothing gets you out of annoying family functions like passing out on the couch while moaning, “Ohhhhhhhh, I ate waaaay too much food. Aaaaaaaaagggghhh”. Everybody has been there at one time or another so nobody is the wiser. Just make sure that you didn’t just get done putting down a bottle of wine while having a chugging contest with Uncle Bob. It tends to raise suspicion.
- Last but not least; make your own fun. Don’t let other people bring you down. It’s one of the few times in a year that you don’t have to remember that credit card is about to blow up and you hate your job. That and New Years Eve is just around the corner. “Party on Wayne!! Party on Garth!!”
Happy Holidays. I celebrate Aku. The dark overlord of all that is evil from the cartoon Samurai Jack. That and Scooby Doo. It’s a talking dog that solves mysteries man. That’s… like so crazy….man. Where are the Cheetos?
My God, I love my job. He’s the best boss ever. Even though he seems to think I’m sucking up when I say that.
This is my horoscope today (astrology.com. I’m a Pisces. In case you didn’t know).
Analyzing the heck out of a relationship is tempting now, but at a certain point, thinking over (and over, and over) every last detail ceases to be useful (and may even drive you nuts). If you’re contemplating initiating a discussion or taking some kind of action, why not just do it? Really, there’s no time like the present, especially according to the stars. Moving forward is the best gift you can give yourself.
This is my fortune (random fortune generated by myway.com).
You will say yes when you should say no.
Could you contradict yourself anymore? C’mon, random elements of the Universe, what am I supposed to do here? As you all know (well, except for Discom (who, by the way, I answered your question in the comments of the last post)), I have been asking myself the all important question about Gil – To lick or to not lick, that is the question (Sorry, Will S, couldn’t help paraphrasing).
What to do, what to do? Ah, well, going to go take a nap. Karaoke tonight – yay!
Keem. Keem, Keem, Keem. Why must you do these things to annoy me? Why? It is wrong. And let’s not forget that my New Year’s Resolution for 2005 expires at midnight on the 31st. You could be very, very sorry if you don’t stop this RIGHT now.
So Keem and I were fighting about something on Tuesday. I have no idea what it was about. It was one of those fights where you hiss things under your breath that you don’t mean and you get really defensive about something stupid and then find yourself later regretting what you said.
I am regretting that I referred to Keem as “Your Majesty.”* Twice. Not because it was mean or anything like that. Oh, no. That’s not the case.
*In my defense, she is kind of bossy sometimes.
No. Do you know what she is doing now? She has now started referring to herself as the Queen of the Universe. She is not the Queen of the Universe. I am the Queen of the Universe! She has started referring to me as the false Queen and saying stuff like “So saieth the Queen.” She can’t say that! I say stuff like that.
Conversation this morning:
Keem: You are a bad Dana. You were supposed to wake me up.
DM: I am sorry, Keem.
Keem: I do not believe you. Bad Dana. So saieth the Queen.
DM: ARRRRGGGH!
Keem: *Giggles*
DM: Stop saying you are the Queen. You are not the Queen.
Keem: Yes, I am. You called me Majesty. Therefore I am the Queen of the Universe.
DM: You can’t just proclaim yourself the Queen of the Universe!
Granted, this is a fairly illogical argument considering that that’s what I did, just decided that I was the Queen of the Universe one day.
So I ask you, my loyal subjects, to please inform Keem as to just who is the real Queen of the Universe. Thank you for your time and attention.
Several years ago, if you would have sat me down and said “Dana, you are going to become a complete and total karaoke junkie. You are going to live and sleep and breathe karaoke,” I probably would have laughed at them. But you know, it’s kind of true. Especially when you think that, besides blogging, that’s really my social life. I’m okay with this. I’ve met some great people through both activities.
Last night was dead. Hard to believe after how crazy last week was on Sunday and Thursday. I did do my hair and wore my sparkly shirt and, if I do say myself, looked good. Maybe a little too good. Some of you will remember from last year, my quest for the perfect cleavage enhancing shirt. Well, I found it. Several times during the evening, I would look down and I was spilling out of the shirt (not that bad but both tattoos were on full display through most of the evening). I am not used to this at all because most of the clothes made for larger women fall into two categories – sedate, Grandma clothing and “Hello, I am a whore” clothing. Since I have rules against extremly tight clothing (yeah. Because bulges are sexy) or exposing my midriff (I think it is tacky and have only met one woman who can pull it off without looking tacky, that would be Marion, Reverend James fiance – mainly because she doesn’t combine the midriff bearing shirt with hip hugger jeans), I rarely wear anything that falls into the latter category. I am more into the long, ankle length skirts (don’t have to wear nylons, don’t have to shave above the knee (does any one (women, I mean) remember why it was so taboo to shave above the knee? Flea asked about that recently and I remember my mom telling me not to do it. I don’t care about it being tabboo now, I just don’t do it because it is way too much work)), comfortable jeans, the occasional dressy blouse (or t-shirts). I’ve decided that, since Thursday and Sunday are the only nights I go out, I’m going to start dressing up a little more. Just for fun. NOT because of Gil. Really. You believe me, right?
When Holiday Cheer Attacks
There was a group of four people that sat in the back. One of them, a woman wearing a sequinned Santa hat and also a shirt that appeared to have a lit fireplace on it, had one of those voices that really annoys me. You know the type. It is the high pitched, baby voice that some women have. The only reason I can see for this is to drive me insane. Now, I’m not talking about Marilyn Monroe in “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.” No, think Victoria Jackson (former SNL member, “Casual Sex?” star) but raise the pitch and decibel level about five hundred degrees (I don’t know if decibels and pitch is measured in decibels. Just work with me here).
Bryan was standing at our table, talking to Beth, Angie-Ang and Steve (Angie’s boyfriend (Or Steve 1, as we started referring to him once Steve 2 (Beth’s team lead) arrived)), Amy and Craig (I do not know what Craig’s relationship to our little karaoke dynamic is. He appears to be a friend of Amy. He is kind of hot and also amuses me so I welcome him to our table)). Woman with the Annoying Voice comes up to the table. She stands right behind me at my left, touching me with her body. Look, let me put it this way, WAV. The only person I want standing this close to me is Gil, okay?
WAV (to Bryan): Are you the karaoke man?
Bryan: No. I’m the karaoke boy.
We all laugh appreciatively. Except for WAV. She stares at him blankly. You can almost hear the word “Huh?” forming in her brain.
WAV: You should sing Hark the Herald Angels Sing.
Bryan: That’s not going to happen.
Bryan is an athiest minister (I think I’ve mentioned that before). Bryan is the man who, if I ever get married, will perform the ceremony. While he and I have completely different spiritual beliefs, he is an intelligent and respectful man who would never discount someone else’s beliefs. We’ve had good discussions about the Bible, religion, whether or not Jesus is a vampire or a zombie, etc. Instead of telling this woman that there is no way he’s going to sing a Christmas hymn, he says a very simple “Sorry, I’m not interested.”
WAV wanders off and we resume our conversation. Later on, she returns. She is drunk(er) and, as hard as this might be to believe, even more annoying. And again, she is standing right next to me, her body pressing up against my shoulder. Woman! Just back off already.
WAV: C’mon guys, you have to get him to sing Hark the Herald Angels sing!
DM, Beth, Amy: That’s not going to happen.
WAV: But I really want to hear it.
Angie: I don’t think we have it.
WAV: But…but…I want him to sing it.
Amy: No. You should ask him to sing this great Christmas song. It’s called Purple Rain.
WAV: That’s not a Christmas song.
Amy: Sure it is.
WAV: He should stop being such a Scrooge.
She nudges me with her body.
WAV: Don’t you want him to sing a Christmas song?
DM: Look. He’s not going to sing it. He’s Jewish.
Beth later said she couldn’t believe I chose to say Jewish over Athiest but my reasoning was that I was not going to watch her try to convert Bryan. That would just be annoying.
WAV: He’s a Scrooge.
Amy: No. He’s Jewish. He’s not singing the Christmas song. Okay?
WAV finally wanders away. Bryan walks by. I tell him that he’s now Jewish. He nods. It doesn’t phase him at all. Later she shows up again when this guy is on stage singing something, she stands in front of him and starts shouting “Blame my Dad! It’s my Dad’s fault!” I think it had something to do with the song but I’m not positive because I can’t remember what he was singing.
Nicknames Du Jour
Later on, we realize that WAV and her group are gone.
DM: My God, she annoyed me.
Bryan: Yes. And unlike Dana, she needed batteries to make her shirt sparkly.
DM: I have a much better use for my batteries.
Bryan is speechless momentarily.
Bryan: When did Dana become evil?
Beth: She’s always been evil. You gave her the nickname Evil Dana.
DM: It comes from dating the Devil (long story short, Randall Flagg is my fake boyfriend).
Steve: *Says something about cloven hooves and a tail (can’t remember exactly what it was)*
DM: Once you’ve gone cloven, you never go back.
Somehow I get talked into singing Strokin’ by Clarence Carter. Both Angie and Beth turn the puppy dog eyes on me and convince me this is a good idea. It is not a good idea but our rotation is down to Angie, Amy, Beth and myself so what the hell – it’s new song Sunday again. I end up alternating between singing Strokin’ and Vibratin’ which is what Beth and Angie would yell up at me (Lisa Jo had sang it one night as Vibratin’ and it cracked us all up. We are so mature). I get to the part where Clarence Carter says how he knows how his woman is “sati’fied”( because she starts calling his name) and I substitute “Hurricane Dana.” Steve is pleased because he is the one that gave me the nickname Hurricane Dana in the first place.
Considering that I complained about not having a good nickname when I gave Keem her new name (Kim with drawn out “ee’s.” I like “ee’s”), I am fond of both of these and glad they were given to me. Even though they seem to indicate that I am destructive and evil and everyone knows that I am so sweet and wondrous and everyone loves me. Right? Right?! Why are you all cowering in the corner?
Men are stupid. Except for the Steves. Oh. Sorry about that, Craig.
I’m not really sure how we got on that subject or why who said it (Angie?) but it brings up another topic. After I don’t know how long, the boy shows up at karaoke, along with Pete and Guru and some other guy (not Mullet Man). They stay up at the bar (yay about Pete and Guru, boo about the boy) and do not approach or acknowledge us. Beth had invited Steve 2 (her team lead) up to karaoke and I was really hoping that he would show up while the boy was still there. And he did. I did a subtle chair switch with Steve 2 so that he could sit across from Beth (subtle because I was sitting in the middle and there was an open chair next to me and if Steve 2 sat there, Gil couldn’t sit next to me (which didn’t work)) and I was hoping that the boy would notice that a) Steve 2 is very cute and b) attentive to Beth (disclaimer – in a non-romantic way because they are friends and she is his boss but hey, the boy doesn’t know that, right?) and then would c) gnash and grind his teeth in frustration because he is slow like molasses and never asked Beth out.
Hey, I never said I couldn’t be petty at times. I don’t think it worked anyway. The boy and entourage left later. The boy said goodbye to Beth and I but that was it. Stupid boy. Does he not realize how great Beth is? Dang him. He doesn’t deserve her. Pete and Guru said nothing. We think that P&G may be afraid of Beth. Sweet.
For some reason, I decided it would be fun to play with Steve 2′s sideburn. I’m not sure why. But it was kind of fun, sort of like touching a crew cut but not. Beth, who is extremely ticklish, started giggling. She will giggle if you pretend to tickle her.
Gil was there but did not sit next to me. It was very sad.
More evidence that we are part of the cool table
Matt and James arrived and so did Liz. I gave Bryan and Liz their Christmas presents. They collect globes and maps and I found an ostrich egg that was decoupaged into a globe on eBay. It is very cool looking. I also got Theo (their dog) a lacrosse like scoop thing that you can use to throw a tennis ball. It is the perfect gift because Theo loves to play fetch but the ball is always slimy when he brings it back. I told them that the scoop thing was from Eddy in an effort to foster good cat/dog relations.
Matt invited both Beth and I to his birthday party in a few weeks. We are very excited about this. The oddness that we are excited about hanging out with a bunch of comic book geeks and refer to them as the cool group has not escaped us.
Um, is there more? I’m not sure. Beth? Am I missing anything? I’m sure I am.
Oh, forgot something.
Football season. Yay.
So I got to overhear two arguments about football (or hockey. Maybe one was about hockey) on Sunday. One was while I was in the bathroom working on my makeup and I could hear people yelling and telling one of the people that they were going to drive him home because of his horrible comment (don’t remember what it was but it was about FOOTBALL! Who cares?) and someone might have left but then came back.
The other one was this guy that was sitting at the bar and talking to Bobby. I had gone up to pay the tab and he was babbling about football and I could have cared less. Liz had said something about him and I said “Yeah, he’s talking about football. How exciting.”
When suddenly he said “And then she gave him a lap dance” very loudly.
DM: Huh. Maybe they are not talking about football anymore.
Liz: Well, they could be. You know (referring to the whole Vikings controversy about the sex ship, etc).
DM: True. It would certainly make football games a little more interesting.
Okay, I’m tired. Need to go to bed. Only 3 more days and then I have a three day weekend. Thank God. I am going to love being able to sleep in Monday morning after going to karaoke on Sunday. Because, yes, where else would you go after your family festivities on Christmas? The Chalet, of course!
It is very disturbing to pull up your site tracker and realize that someone found your site by doing a search on Google for “Whores named Dana.”
What is more disturbing is that I’m the 2nd link.
Do I have an exciting new career that I don’t know about?
And someone found my site looking for Chalet Dana Karaoke. Oh, dear. This could be bad.
And yes, I am working on a karaoke update. And yes, Beth did take pictures.
