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Thing number 1:
My roommate, Keem, has a problem. It’s a disturbing problem and one I have talked to her about in great detail. She tells me she’s going to stop but she doesn’t. So, at all hours of the day, there are strange people in my home and I have to deal with it. I’m so tired of it. The constant drama, the yelling, the drag queens…
Yeah. Keem’s addicted to reality TV. The newest show she started watching? RuPaul’s Drag Queen Race (or something like that). We watched an hour of it until she got bored (because, really, how many times can you listen to a conversation that consists of “Oh, no, she didn’t” and “Watch it, Miss Thing”?). And then we watched 4 episodes of the Cake Boss. The Cake Boss, in case you didn’t know, is an Italian man in New Jersey who took over the family business when his father died. It’s a bakery and all of his family works there, including his sisters and their husbands. There’s a lot of screeching because the sisters like to think they know better than him and will contradict his orders. Like the one sister decided the bakery should be painted pink and Buddy almost had a heart attack. This is three hours of my life that I will never get back! But the cakes are pretty.
I don’t know what to do about this addiction. I can handle Survivor and America’s Next Top Model. I love Project Runway and Top Chef. I will tolerate the Cake Boss and his annoying family. But what’s next? A television show about people kidnapped by aliens? They could call it Project Roswell.
Thing number 2:
You are all probably aware that I’m a bit of a Star Trek junkie. I love Captain Kirk (and think William Shatner is hot and, yes, a pretty decent singer). I want Data to be my very own android boyfriend (actually, I’m partial to Lore because, hello, he’s kind of evil and an android. We all know I love the bad boys). I boldly went to see the newest Star Trek movie 4 times in the theater and have watched it three times on DVD. I am looking forward to introducing Josh to the movie this weekend and hopefully combating his massive exposure to Star Wars (stupid brother-in-law and his “Star Wars rules, Star Trek drools” beliefs (although he probably never exactly phrased it that way)).
Anyway, Keem and I bought the DVD this week. We had the choice between the regular DVD or the Collector’s version at Target. Obviously we went for the Collector’s version. Cool thing about this, the DVD case is actually a replica of the Enterprise. How awesome is that? Pretty awesome.
Keem put it together and it was sitting on the side table the other day. I look over and find myself saying words I never thought would come out of my mouth.
DM: Kitten. Please stop eating the Enterprise.
Here she is. My baby. Scourge of the Universe and Eater of the Enterprise.
I posted this on Facebook and someone left the comment “But Captain, there’s a fang in the warp drive.” Best. Comment. Ever!
So Keem is telling me this morning about this odd dream she had. Long story short, she and Patrick Dempsey are wandering through this old building. Now I can think of worse things to dream about than spending time with Patrick Dempsey (had a serious crush on him after “Can’t Buy Me Love”) so I expect that this will be an interesting glimpse into my roommate’s psyche.
And boy howdy, it is.
Apparently the old building is filled with lions and sharks. Together. Living in harmony.
DM: Are they land sharks?
Apparently not. Nor is the building filled with water. But the sharks are getting around somehow and they are hungry. So are the lions.
Keem: So I run off and leave Patrick Dempsey…
DM: Wait. You left him behind?
Keem: Yes.
DM: What happened?
Keem: The lions and sharks got him.
DM: You didn’t go save him?
Keem: I’m not going into a room with lions and sharks!
DM: You let Patrick Dempsey die. I can’t believe you let him die. That’s so mean.
Keem: It was more of a “Save yourself” situation so I did.
After that, the dream turned into some weird thing where there was a fake T. Rex wandering around trying to kill Keem and one of our co-workers showed up and distracted the dinosaur with something shiny.
The dream reminded me of Saturday Night Live when it was funny and the Land Shark skit. I miss that skit. Let’s see if it is on YouTube. I couldn’t find it but I did find it here in case you need reminding of the greatness of the Land Shark.
So I admit it. I watch American Idol. I actually kind of even like the show. Granted, I think it is a bit of a joke, with Randy interjecting the word “Dawg” into each sentence 40 times and Paula floating on her “oh life is so wonderful and filled with Care Bears and Rainbows and la la la” cloud. The only person who ever says anything remotely interesting is Simon and people boo him the moment he opens his mouth. And no, the fact that I think Simon is hot has absolutely nothing to do with my defense of him. Nothing. Also, for your safety, please do not get me started on Ryan Seacrest and his annoying hair and “oh, aren’t I so funny” and “look at me, I’m just a pretty boy who thinks I am talented but we all know I’m really not but look – I’m pretty” attitude. I don’t like Seacrest. Okay?
Anyway, Idol is becoming interesting. Sanjaya is finally gone, the top 6 people left are going to become top 4 tonight, we’re getting close to the end.
Last night was (sorry, Beth) Bon Jovi night.
Keem: Are you okay?
DM: Yeah. Why?
Keem: You don’t seem enthused.
DM: Yeah, Bon Jovi is really, really popular at karaoke. I’m a little scared.
By this I mean that anyone who grew up in the 80′s or ever saw Young Guns absolutely has to sing Bon Jovi. At least once. Some of them aren’t bad (Marian sings Bed of Roses and is awesome) and some of them are terrible. Sometimes there is screaming. Not all of the screaming comes from the stage. Some of it is in my head (Shut up! Shut up! For the Love of God, shut up!).
However, last night was pretty good. Jon Bon Jovi was mentoring the Idols and looks much better now that he has short hair (I may love the hair bands of the 80′s but I don’t really like the hair).
The two performances that really stand out for me were from Blake and Melinda. Keem and I have been rooting for Melinda from the beginning and about 3 weeks ago I turned to her and said “I would go see her in concert now.” She sang “Have a Nice Day” and it was fantastic. I don’t know how else to describe it. She was hard rock and flirty with the guitar player and spectacular. I really believe she could win this. I’ve felt that way from the beginning.
But Blake. Oh my God. Blake. Blake with his freshly dyed black hair and his beat boxing and the leather jacket and the cool, kind of robot like moves and then the drumming duel between him and the drummer? He took “You Give Love a Bad Name” and made it fresh and new and Randy was right. Dude. That was hot. Keem and I had to watch it a second time, thanks to the miracle of DVR. I think it is going to be between Melinda and Blake and I am torn right now because I really want them both to win. They both took the songs and made them their own. It was wonderful. It was like watching Bryan sing Prince or Neil Diamond or anything and twisting it around to fit him. Beth might even have liked it. If she didn’t run screaming the minute she saw that I wrote Bon Jovi.
And, in other news, remember my cat? Eddy? The one that loves only Keem? Yeah, I have just realized how spoiled he is. How did I find that out? By sending an email to the concierge in my building, explaining the care and feeding of Eddy. This is the email.
Kristin,
Thanks for getting back to me. Here is a list of Eddy’s demands, I mean regular routine. And yes, I am aware that he is spoiled.
Dry cat food and water dish will be in the kitchen. Dry cat food is kept filled but doesn’t need anything put in on a daily basis, just when it starts to get low. Believe me, he would rather have the wet food on a constant basis.
Wet cat food is usually once in the morning and once in the afternoon but he will not perish if he only gets the wet food once a day. He may act like it but he’ll be fine. If you can stop by twice a day, awesome, if not, that’s completely okay. The wet food is only a small amount, half a teaspoon or so, if he eats too much of it, he has a tendency to throw up and that’s just gross.
He also has a dish on the coffee table that gets filled with a mixture of Pounce & Temptation treats. A layer on the bottom of the dish should be fine. According to my roommate, you’re supposed to stir it up so he gets a nice selection but that’s just ridiculous. It’s already bad enough that the cat eats better than we do, he doesn’t need to be waited on hand and foot.
And then, the water. If you can take the white glass that will be on the coffee table and fill it with ice water each day, that will be perfect. He likes to have a nice selection of water. As I type this, I realize how crazy this sounds but I did say he was spoiled.
The litter box will be in the hallway bathroom and it is clumping. Anything else would be uncivilized.
Thank you so much for doing this, it is so greatly appreciated. He has a nervous breakdown if we’re gone for an entire day and he has to go without treats, I couldn’t even begin to imagine what it would be like if you weren’t willing to help us.
Oh my God. Keem actually told me last night to stir the treats up so he had a selection. Is there any reason why he likes her more than me?
Anyway, it is back to work. This will be my last post for awhile. I hope you’ll all be having a great time and I look forward to catching up with you when I return from vacation. Hopefully I will have lots of fun stories to share and not how my cat drove the concierge crazy.
Last month, Kari and I were shopping when I saw a book set I absolutely had to give Josh for Christmas. I am a big Sandra Boynton fan and loved her work when she was just making greeting cards. Now that she’s branched out into children’s books, I feel that it is very important that Josh experience her work. We’ll be moving on to Tomie DePaola when he’s a little older.
Next to the book set was a book that I was seized by the urge to buy for Beth, forgetting in my insanity that she had put the kibosh on receiving penguins. The books is called “Your Personal Penguin” and there is a penguin and he is friends with a hippo and they travel AND you get a free audio download of Davy Jones (of the Monkees!) singing the song! Davy Jones! Of the Monkees! I love Davy Jones!
A few days later, not being one who can keep a secret well, I start telling Beth about this book. She looks at me. I recognize this look. This is the “Oh dear God, why? Why would you think I would like this?” look. I’ve received this look before, the most prominent time would be when I decided to buy her a monkey. Sitting in a chair. In my defense, it amused me. And I bought Keem a lion sitting in a chair. And I bought myself a frog. Who is (in case you’re not sure where I’m headed with this) sitting in a chair. So of course I’d have to buy Beth the monkey. A picture of the monkey is here.
Beth: I saw that book at Target with Steve.
DM: So you see how cool it is?!
Beth (in her tactful, not trying to be mean voice): Dana, I mocked the book.
DM: But there’s a penguin!
Beth: Remember I said I didn’t need anymore penguins?
DM: But he’s friends with a hippo. And you get the audio download of the song! Sung by Davy Jones!
Beth: So?
DM: Fine. I will keep it for myself and enjoy the song. So there.
Beth: Okay. You’re really bad at this gift giving thing.
Sheesh. A monkey in a chair and a pop-up map and I’m bad at gift-giving.*
*Note: I am not upset about this at all. She wasn’t being mean and I keep forgetting that we don’t have the exact same taste about everything. For example, she likes to do math for fun. I should have bought her an algebra text book. Hmm…
Friday I called my sister to confirm that we were going to Ruby Tuesday’s on Saturday.
Kari: Did you give Beth the pig?
DM: What? What pig? Why would I give Beth a pig?
Kari: You know, that book.
DM: You mean the penguin book?
Kari: It was a penguin? Dang it.
DM: Why?
Kari: I was at Kohl’s and they have that charity that they sell things for five dollars and they had the Sandra Boynton stuffed pig and I bought it.
DM: I love that pig! I want it.
Kari: You can have it if you pay 5 bucks for it.
DM: Okay!
We meet her, Eric and Josh at Ruby Tuesday’s and have a lovely meal, only made more spectacular by the presence of my beloved nephew’s fascination with the salad bar. At one point, he gets off his chair and heads away from the table.
Kari: Where do you think you’re going?
Josh: Garbanzo beans, Mommy!
Garbanzo beans are disgusting but the kid loves them, apparently. He even calls jelly beans garbanzo beans. I love just about every vegetable there is but I draw the line at the garbanzo beans.
Later Kari reaches into her bag and hands me the most perfect stuffed pig ever! I am quite excited by this and show said excitement by making the pig dance. And greet Keem with kisses. Which irritates her for some reason. Josh liked it.
On our way home, the pig firmly grasped in my arms, I continued to make the pig dance to songs on the radio.
Keem: Stop it!
DM: What?
Keem: Stop making the pig dance!
DM: Why?
Keem: Give me the pig. Give him to me!
DM: Are you going to hurt him?
Keem: Give!
The pig ends up in the back seat, out of my reach. Sigh.
The next day, Keem tries to talk me into going to Kohl’s.
DM: Why?
Keem: I want that pig.
DM: But he annoyed you.
Keem: No, you annoyed me. The pig is cute.
DM: Oh. Okay.
Keem: I also want the chicken.
DM: There’s a chicken?
Yes, there is a chicken. And he is adorable as well (there is also a rhino and a dog but, while they are cute, they are not as cute as the pig or the chicken).
Keem and I stopped at Kohl’s on Monday. When we found the display, I was sent over to collect the pigs (decided I had to buy one for Co-worker Michelle because she likes pigs (and hey, good cause and everything)) and the chickens (I had to have a chicken as well).
DM: Keem! Keeeeeem!
Keem: Yes?
DM: We need to buy this book.
I hold up a book entitled “Philadelphia Chickens” by Sandra Boynton that also comes with a CD of 18 1/2 songs (one is even sung by Scott Bakula).
Keem: For Beth?
DM: No. Why would I buy this for Beth? It’s for us.
Keem: Okay. I guess.
Later that night, I am sitting with my chicken, making him dance. Occasionally, he will start pecking at Keem.
Keem: Dana. Stop that.
DM: What?
Keem: I can see the chicken dancing out of the corner of my eye. Stop it!
DM: He is my chicken buddy and will watch TV with me.
The chicken sneaks up on Keem and pecks at her.
Keem: ARGH! Stop it!
DM: Hee hee hee.
The other night we were watching Heroes and a new character was revealed. He is played by the gorgeous guy who played Raymond Calitri in “Gone in 60 Seconds” and is the new Doctor on “Doctor Who.”
Keem: Oh!
DM: I know. Mr. Calitri, you are so very pretty.
Pause.
DM: I know what I am naming the chicken! His name is Mr. Calitri!
Keem: Okay. You’re weird.
This was proven to her later when she glanced over.
Keem: What are you doing?
DM: Mr. Calitri is the perfect shape to sit on my head.
Keem: Freak.
She did take a picture of this and once she has figured out how to download it (I would show her but she refuses to admit I might know more about the internet than her), I will post the picture. She has also taken to hiding Mr. Calitri at night after I’ve gone to bed so I have to play Find the Chicken in the morning.
But the most annoying thing is this. She used to sneak up on me when I was playing on the computer and shout “Dana!” which freaks me out. Now she’s replaced Dana with “Chicken!”
Keem: Chicken!
DM: Stop that!
Keem: No. It’s fun to say. I can see why Beth likes doing it.
Oh, great. There’s another convert to the Chicken Cult.
I have managed to get her back because, unfortunately, the title of the Boynton book has triggered the memory of a song. And I have begun singing the song in my head continuously, sometimes bursting into song in front of Keem. And she has not been pleased because it is close to sticking in her head. The song is “Philadelphia Freedom” but I have changed the name of it to “Philadelphia Chickens.”
With apologies to Elton John, I bring you Philadelphia Chickens, sung to the tune of Philadelphia Freedom. I’ll have to check to see if they have this at karaoke so I can sing this song the next time Beth answers my question “What should I sing?” with “CHICKEN!”
I used to be a rolling stone
You know if the cause was right
I’d leave to find the answer on the road
I used to be a heart beating for someone
But the times have changed
The less I say the more my work gets done
`Cause I live and breathe this Philadelphia Chickens
From the day that I was born I’ve waved the flag
Philadelphia Chickens took me knee-high to a man
Yeah gave me peace of mind my daddy never had
Oh Philadelphia Chickens shine on me, I love you
Shine a light through the eyes of the ones left behind
Shine a light shine a light
Shine a light won’t you shine a light
Philadelphia Chickens I love you, yes I do
If you choose to you can live your life alone
Some people choose the city
Some others choose the good old family home
I like living easy without family ties
Till the whippoorwill of Chickens zapped me*
Right between the eyes
*What? Even when it is Freedom, it’s still weird.
As you may or may not know, Beth has a tendency to say “CHICKEN” to me at odd times. If I say “What should I sing?” I’ll get “Chicken!” She will try to set up the random chicken sayings, when I least expect them, in an effort to drive me insane. As she has said, the best thing about the chicken is that it’s such a common word and so it will get me when I least expect it.
Last night, while Keem and I were watching “Whose Line is it Anyway,” the scene was a restaurant where the theme was horror movies. Colin Mochrie is playing a waiter and is asked for the specials. He lurches onto the stage, pretending to be Dracula. “Come to me, chickens of the night,” he cries.
Yeah. I lost it.
Chickens. They’re everywhere.
Last night, in between dashes to the bathroom, Keem and I were watching Whose Line is it Anyway? (Oh, my God, how I love that show, Colin Mochrie, if you ever decide to leave your wife and come see me, I’m in Minnesota), the British version. We have this recorded on our pretty shiny DVR and Keem was fast forwarding through the commercials when we saw yet another commercial for Doctor Who. I used to love the show when I was 16 but haven’t seen any of the recent epsidoes. Pretty shiny Doctor Who who is played by the really hot guy who played Raymond Calitri in Gone in 60 Seconds.
Anyway, in this commercial, he is staring directly at you (well, the camera but you know what I mean).
DW: Do you want to come with me?
Keem and I have had responses to this, usually along the lines of “Yes, please” and “Oh, you are so very pretty” but Keem topped them all last night.
Keem: You can Doctor my Who anytime.
DM (falling over with laughter): What?
Keem: You heard me.
DM: I am so blogging that.
Keem: No! You can’t!
DM: Oh, yes. Yes, I will.
You would think that, with all of the enjoyment we get out of watching the commercial, we’d actually watch the show but not yet. Maybe when our 453 episodes of Whose Line have all been watched (this is what you get when you do a series record).
Oh, and proof positive that my happy pills are working, the other day I had to take a bus. I got on the bus and the three or four men in the back of the bus started making comments about how I was a big woman and also “El Grande.” Now, instead of focusing on the fact that they were criticizing my weight and how I must climb into a hole because I’m just a big fat cow that doesn’t deserve to walk the planet, instead I thought “Hmm. Technically, when you call me ‘El Grande,’ you’re calling me ‘The Big.’” Of course, they weren’t Hispanic but still, dudes. If you’re going to insult me, get it right.
I may adopt that as my new title. Instead of the Queen of the Universe, you may find me signing documents as The Big. It kind of has a nice ring to it.
And I decided on a New Year’s Resolution. The Mountain Dew has to go. I’m not so sure that I can continue to blame my recent weight gain on Seraquel and may need to focus on the four or five cans I manage to drink every other day or so. Stupid Mountain Dew. Why must you be so yummy?
I don’t usually go on and on about television. While I’m fond of it, I’m not completely obsessed with it. Granted, I have my shows that I love to watch but I also gave up on a few of them because of a karaoke conflict (CSI is on Thursdays. I have to nap before karaoke. Therefore I can’t watch it. Grey’s Anatomy was on Sundays but has now moved to Thursdays so I only have a general idea of what’s going on with the show) but I’m not a gusher. Well, except about Lost, but that’s mainly with Beth and James.
I have to tell you that I’ve found a show that has changed that.
Last night, I watched Heroes. I have been waiting for Heroes for FREAKIN’ ever, ever since I saw one of the first previews. And I must tell you now that I think I am a little bit in love with one of the male characters. I’ll give you a brief description of them, guess which one it is.
- Sensitive male nurse. Cute.
- His hot older brother who is running for Congress and is an arrogant jerk.
- Somewhat attractive addict painter who is trying to overcome his addiction.
- Intelligent attractive Indian professor who is driving a taxi cab in New York to solve the mystery of his father’s death and complete his research
- Man who wears glasses who is more than likely an evil Government tool. Generically attractive in that “I’m hiding behind my mask of dedicated family man but I’d just as soon kill you as look at you if you cross me” way.
- Another man who wears glasses, wants to be different and routinely quotes from Star Trek and comic books and also hangs out in a karaoke bar. Geeky cute.
Have you guessed? Have you?
His name is Hiro. He is Japanese and sweet and sensitive and I love him. He is sitting in the karaoke bar with his non-believing friend, talking about how time and space can be bent and his friend asks “How do you know this?” And Hiro says “X-Men something something (Sorry, I didn’t catch all of it). When Kitty Pryde time travels for the first time.”
Sigh.
And, as I was watching the previews for the upcoming weeks, they have revealed that Isaac (the painter) is predicting the future when he paints and his paintings are laid out in comic book fashion. And Hiro sees a comic book that shows when he teleports from Japan to New York.
I LOVE this show. LOVE IT! It is awesome, man. Like the plums.
If you missed it, there is a special encore showing tonight. You should really watch it and then I will have someone to call when the show is over because I’m not comfortable enough to call James and say “Oh my God, did you watch it?” yet (Or even Little Matt. Because I’m sure he watched it. Actually, I am comfortable enough to call Little Matt. I just don’t have his phone number) like I really, really wanted to last night.
And, oh, I also really like “The Class” as well but you’re not required to listen to me talk about that. Keem watches it with me.
Keem is asleep, Jeff is cleaning his car, Kari is at least online so I have someone to talk to…I know I shouldn’t rely on other people to amuse me but it’s so darn fun.
Oh, I found someone that did transcripts of Joan of Arcadia. I got halfway through the pilot episode and then my brain exploded because this person doesn’t understand basic punctuation. The Joans and Wills and Kevins were bad enough but then when you’re dealing with Ive and youre and youll…I couldn’t take it anymore. Plus, if you haven’t seen the earlier episodes, like I haven’t, it would really help to know what manifestation of God Joan is talking to at the time.
Oh well, I suppose I’ll wait for the DVD’s. Then I’ll make my own dang transcripts!
Well, I think I’ll amuse myself by taking internet tests…maybe I’m secretly a genius.
Update – My IQ is apparently 127 points and I am an Insightful Linguist, similar to Charles Dickens. Wow. This might be because I was able to ace all of the word questions but had the worst time following the logic ones. If you’re interested in taking the test yourself, it’s on Tickle. It was fun. Although now my brain hurts from trying to think logically.
Here’s my latest obsession. I love CSI: Crime Scene Investigation but didn’t start watching it until this year. So, trying to figure out what is going on between the incredibly hot Grissom and Sara, I started surfing the web for transcripts. I found this site and have been reading one to two transcripts a day. I don’t know what I’m going to do when I finish. I’m almost done with Season 3.
Soon, soon, I will be able to purchase the DVD sets and see my beloved Grissom and Warrick in action.
Another good site is Buffyworld.com because you can find the transcripts from both Buffy and Angel. I love Joss Whedon and can’t wait to see what he comes up with next.
After CSI:, I suppose I’ll start looking for Joan of Arcadia transcripts. I caught it in reruns the last two weeks and am now hooked. Anyone know where there might be a site for transcripts? I’d love to know.
Previous Comments
At 12:09 AM, Anonymous said…
Hi.The place to get Joan of Arcadia transcripts is at http://www.mysteriousmessage.net/id298.html
cheers,
jenn
