I know that Rule #3 says, “pick a song that everyone knows.” But if you’ll remember, it says “knows AND loves.” If you were to ask me what the absolute worst possible song anyone could ever sing at karaoke, I would be able to answer you honestly that it is “Picture” by Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock. This song makes me cringe even more than such classics as “Achy Breaky Heart,” “Summer Nights (From Grease, great song if you can sing but if you can’t, oh, God, please stop torturing me!)” and “Tequila (there are two times you say the word tequila. If you are so drunk you can’t do that right, you shouldn’t be on stage!)”

Now, I will be the first to admit that Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow do a good job of singing this song, there’s a nice harmony between them. Beth sang it one night with another karaoke buff, Michael (no, not Hippo Michael) and they did a great job. But if you can’t sing, as the drunk girls proved last night, don’t even try it. This song violates Karaoke Rule #3. If you can’t sing, pick a song everyone likes so they can sing along with it.

I hate this song. It astounds me that people actually think this is a romantic song about star-crossed lovers. It’s not. It’s a song about drunken, drug abusing, tramps that can’t stand to be alone for 3 minutes, let alone 3 days! Let’s take a look at the song closer, shall we? My opinion is in italics.

Kid Rock:

Livin my life in a slow hell, different girl every night at the hotel.

I ain’t seen the sunshine in three damn days

Been fuelin’ up on cocaine and whiskey, wish I had a good girl to miss me

Lord I wonder if I’ll ever change my ways

I put your picture away, sat down and cried today

I can’t look at you while I’m lying next to her

I put your picture away, sat down and cried today

I can’t look at you while I’m lying next to her

Okay, so let’s dissect what the male has to say here (This is my version and should not be confused for the actual viewpoint of Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow) . “Baby, I know I left you 3 days ago but hey, I couldn’t handle it so I went out and found 3 different girls, one for each night, and did a lot of drugs and got drunk. I miss you so bad. I hope you’re missing me, ’cause I’m such a catch. Oh, and I don’t want to think about you while I’m boffing some bimbo so I put your picture away. That’s romantic, right?”

Sheryl Crow:

I called you last night in the hotel, everyone knows but they won’t tell

But their half-hearted smiles tell me somethin’ just ain’t right.

I’ve been waitin’ on you for a long time, fuelin’ up on heartaches and cheap wine

I ain’t heard from you in three damn nights.

I put your picture away, I wonder where you been

I can’t look at you while I’m lyin’ next to him

I put your picture away, I wonder where you been

I can’t look at you while I’m lyin’ next to him

And here we have the plaintive melody of the female part (again, see disclaimer above). “Baby, I know something’s going on. I know you’re a no good, dirty, rotten cheater and a drug addict and an alcoholic but gosh darnit, I love you so. I’m going to sit around and get drunk off of some cheap wine. Oh, it’s been so tough these last 3 nights. I had to go and find your best friend, Billy, and he’s been keeping me company but I feel real darn guilty about it.”

Together:

I saw you yesterday with an old friend (Sheryl Crow)

It was the same old same how’ve you been? (Kid Rock)

Since you’ve been gone, my world’s been dark and grey (Together)

You reminded me of brighter days (Kid Rock)

I hoped you were comin’ home to stay (Sheryl Crow)

I was headed to church (Sheryl Crow)

I was off to drink you away (Kid Rock)

And look, our couple has been reunited! How wonderful! But wait, they don’t seem to be declaring their eternal love for one another. The woman has decided to go to church, perhaps to pray for forgiveness for being an idiot. The male has decided to go and get drunk and if the days were so much brighter, why’d you break up in the first place?

Together:

I thought about you for a long time, can’t seem to get you off my mind

I can’t understand why we’re living life this way.

I found your picture today, I swear I’ll change my ways

I just called to say I want you to come back home

I found your picture today, I swear I’ll change my ways

I just called to say I want you to come back home

I just called to say I love you, come back home

Is there any wonder why I hate this song? Honestly. I thought about you for a long time? You’ve been gone for 3 days and you’ve both used this time so well – in drunken orgies! This is not a couple that is going to make it.

So, in essence, if you come to The Chalet on a Sunday night and you sing this song, I may have to shoot you. I probably won’t because Beth says she’ll miss me if I go to prison but still, it’s not like I haven’t given you fair warning.

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