I’ve done some posts about things that have happened in my past, things that I thought were funny, in a “Oh, my God, does my life ever suck” kind of way. It took a comment from Beth to realize that what I’m actually doing is cleansing. Rubbing the stains off of my soul.

There will still be posts of some of the collossal mistakes that I made. There’s a lot of crap buried deep within my psyche that needs to come out but I just want to let you all know that this is part of the journey. From the time I was 15, I have been on a one-way path of destruction and despair. I am starting to come out of the darkness and into the light.

I gave Beth an “assignment” one night at karaoke, to write a murder mystery. She finally let me read some of the chapters but still won’t let me know who the killer is (dang her (and no, I don’t really want to know. It’ll be more fun to see if I can figure it out on my own)). The character that is loosely based on me has just recently published a novel called “Keeping The Lights On.” There was no plot, no character names, just the title.

It intrigued me. I started thinking about what that title meant. Was it about keeping the lights on during sex? No. It was about hope and recovery and coming out of the darkness. This is something I know about and we are always told to write what we know. I know despair. I know depression. I know darkness. They are my demons. I had a counselor once who helped bring me out of my last serious depression by telling me to that all of the voices inside my head that tell me how much I suck are my demons. And I should imagine that I am Xena, Warrior Princess and fight back. Well, it took awhile to sink in but that’s what I’ve been doing. Kicking some demon ass, turning my life around, coming out of the darkness.

So I will be writing “Keeping The Lights On” as my “assignment.” To help remind me that that’s what I’m doing every day that I get out of bed when I really don’t want to, when I go to meet friends when I’d rather stay home and when I push the plate away when I’m no longer hungry.

I have left the darkness behind, I am traveling through the shadows and I am headed into the light. And, at a pivotal moment of my life, when I am finally aware of what I am doing, I saw Melissa Etheridge stand on stage and sing this song.

Giant



You tried to hold us down

You tried to hold us back

You tried to make us wrong

You tried to make us crack

You wanted to see us cry

You wanted to see us leave

You didn’t count on the tide

You didn’t count on the pride

You didn’t count on me



I am a giant

And you will not make me fall

And you will not make me crawl

I am a giant

And I’m not alone

Winds of change have blown

And walls come tumbling down



And I learned from my mistakes

Pick myself up of the floor

I have learned just what it takes

Now I am stronger than before

And we are standing side by side

We are determined now to win

We come too far

And we’ve got the scares

And we are never going back into the shadows again



I am a giant

And you will not make me fall

And you will not make me crawl

I am a giant

And I’m not alone

Winds of change have blown

How the walls come tumbling down

Wow. I realize that this was probably written about gay pride and the fight for equal rights (which, dammit, are for everyone) but it could also be about depression.

I am a giant. And I am never going back into the shadows again.

Previous Comments:

At 1:55 PM, The Lioness said…

AMEN.

At 5:24 PM, brooksba said…

Great post Dana. You are a giant. I can’t wait to see “Keep the Lights On” when it’s finished. It’s going to be great! Stay strong, never let anyone push you down.

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