A few months ago, Beth, Matt & myself were sitting at Perkins. Behind us, about two booths back, were two girls (women? Younger than me and I consider myself a girl most of the time so therefore I have declared that they are girls). To our right, there was a guy who was possibly a little tipsy and calling some girl on his cell phone and talking to her about how he wanted to see her and he didn’t care what her hair looked like and oh how he missed her. Which would have been really sweet if he hadn’t been whining about it. Example: “But Jenny (only because I’m thinking of the song 867-5309), I dooon’t care what your hair looks like. Jenny. But Jenny. Please come up here. I waaaaant to seeeee you. Jennnnnny. Jennnnnny. I miss yooooooooooou.”

Dude. Whining is only cool when I do it because it’s not so much whining as it is creative complaining. I whine to amuse. You are whining to annoy. And, quite possibly, get laid.

One of the girls has one of those annoying walkie-talkie phones. You know the ones. But since I don’t want to be sued, we’ll just not mention the name of the company. They make that click-hiss sound. Hey, it’s great that your cell phone can go coast to coast and there’s great coverage and ooh, how exciting that there are walkie-talkie minutes and you might connect faster. But, hey, I had a walkie-talkie when I was 10. And it got old really fast. Either that or I lost it. Don’t really remember, now that I think of it. But I am thinking it would have gotten old.

Anyway, Whiny Dude (WD) notes that this girl has the walkie-talkie phone. He walks over to her table. This is their conversation. I swear to God.

WD: Pardon me. I couldn’t help but notice you have an Annoying Walkie-Talkie Phone That Is Seriously Pissing Off Dana With The Click-Hiss (AWTPTISPODWTCH). I’m a consultant.

Cute Girl (CG (well, I’m assuming she was cute. I really couldn’t see her but c’mon, why else would he wander over there? We already know his bootie call failed)): You are (this is said in the tone that indicates “Hmm, is this a pick-up line? Because it’s definitely not one I’ve heard before.”)?

WD: Yes. Do you have any questions?

CG: Um (Beth, Matt & I are all looking at each other, trying not to laugh. What the heck is this?)…

WD: Any concerns? How is your service?

CG: I’m a new AWTPTISPODWTCH customer. I do like it though.

WD: I’m sorry. I’m really fucked up.

Okay. Now I am biting my lip, trying to avoid looking at either Beth or Matt. What a pick-up artist this guy is. Boy, I wish I could meet someone as smooth as him that would try to pick me up by telling me how drunk he is. Oh, and maybe he could sway back and forth like this guy is doing. Ooh baby, ooh baby, ooh.

She giggles. Ooh, you big sexy Whiny Dude, I want you so much now that you’ve told me that you’re drunk. That makes you doubly sexy. Please.

CG: That’s okay.

WD: Goes in to his spiel about the AWTPTISPODWTCH.

Meanwhile, the Cute Girl’s friend wanders back from the bathroom. Cute Girl’s Friend is not pleased with Whiny Dude, especially when he asks her what type of phone she has. Cute Girl’s Friend tells him she’s perfectly happy with her phone.

Hmm, Whiny Dude seems to be pondering. He may have to switch his topic. What to say, what to say? He looks around (or so I imagine) before he notices the school books scattered across the table in front of Cute Girl and Friend.

WD: What are you studying?

CG: I’m studying Spanish.

WD: Oh. (He turns to Her Friend) What are you studying?

HF (Flat tone, no inflection at all): I’m studying Dental.

WD: Oh. Okay.

He wanders back to his table. Normalcy ensues. But then, Whiny Dude makes his move again. He decides to smoke a cigarette. He looks around the restaurant. There Beth, Matt and I are sitting. Matt and I both have cigarettes and lighters in plain sight. His gaze goes past us though. We are not Cute Girls. Beth is a Cute Girl but she doesn’t have a lighter in front of her. Plus, she is surrounded by both myself and Matt. We are not going to let this guy anywhere near our Beth.

He walks over to the Cute Girl’s table again.

WD: Can I use your lighter?

CG: Sure.

WD (I swear to you this is what he said. Marvel at his smoothness): Grassy ass.

CG: Gracias. De Nada (which is Spanish for thank you and you are welcome. Moron Boy).

WD: Grassy ass (Oh, yes, you’re so brilliant. Obviously Cute Girl will fall at your feet now).

CG: I’m studying Spanish (in the “Dude, that’s really not funny. Would you like it if people made fun of your language?” tone).

WD (realizing he may have irritated Cute Girl, he turns to Her Friend): What are you studying?

HF: DENTAL. You already asked me this.

WD: I’m studying psychology. Any questions?

Yeah, I’ve got one. Why are you annoying people? Go sit down, you big dork.

Or do you think that’s too harsh?


At 12:25 AM, brooksba said…

DM,FINALLY! Yea! I was sooooo excited to see this post! I’ve been waiting for about, I don’t know, 4 months! I laughed. Thank you, thank you, thank you Oh Queen of the Universe. You are awesome!Beth

At 8:49 AM, Anonymous said…

This story just made me chuckle. Especially the “any questions?” part, it is my favorite! Poor guy. Poor everyone else that had to deal with him.Also, let me tell you sometimes having the name ‘Jenny’ can be a curse (damn that Tommy Tutuone), but other times when you you come in contact with a whiny guy it can be a blessing: whiny guy won’t go away? Slip him a napkin that says 867-5309/Jenny and tell him you’re busy but to call you later. Ususally those whiny guy types are so far gone, they don’t even notice. It’s sad, but sometimes it just has to be done.Wow I just came off sounding WAY cold and WAY more heartless than I really am. I assure you, it’s only come to the twice in the past. I’m just going to stop talking now.Jenny http://alleyesonjenny.com

At 9:27 AM, Matt said…

Futher,Finally as well I was hoping to read this and now I have, so there you go. I would like to say thank you thank you thank you, for not only did you give the world this wonderful little slice of life that we had to endure, but now you have inspired me to write another post, it involves a Freudian slip (at least we will say it was a Freudian slip) overhead on a phone call from NABABNA and the psudo-commercial that was invented from said Freudian slip. I hope that I am able to get to it while I am at work, if not oh well, I will get to it very, VERY soon however. So thank you again, and I will talk to you later.Your Son,He-Who-Should-Be-On-Lithium (or something)Matt

At 12:49 PM, Robert ~ Marlénè said…

I’m endlessly amused by lame pickup attempts. Back when I was young and pretty, my favorite pickup technique belonged to the men who seemed to think that openly insulting me would get my juices flowing. “You bleach your hair?” one asked with a sexy growl, “Wow, you must be really stupid. You wanna go out to my truck with me?” or better yet…”You’re really hot… normally I don’t like drag queens, they’re an embarrassment to the gay community, but you’re an exception. Why do you do drag? I bet you’re really hot as a boy. You shouldn’t do drag.” For him I invented the patented Marlénè-Whup, where I slowly withdrew one of my opera gloves as this cretin went on dissing my sisters (and, indirectly, me) and displaying an enormous amount of ignorance as to his own cultural history as a gay man, and once off I dampened the fingers in my cocktail, wound the glove up like a wet towel, and swacked him right across the face with it.It was amazingly satisfying… for me, anyway: he was so drunk I don’t think he felt it, and he kept going on and on, trying to feel my up. I eventually had to walk away. Fortunately, there were plenty of witnesses, and the Marlénè-Whup passed into legend.

At 12:53 AM, BC said…

Situations like this can never happen again in Ontario Canada ever since the Liberal Dalton McGuinty government came in. Maybe it was part of a previous political thrust, I forget, but there is NO SMOKING in public places that are enclosed anymore. Totally illegal. I wonder if this dude would have given me the display he did you if he were in this health conscious province. How do you find them DM? You and your friends seem to have fun together. I would too if I were you.