There is a tear in my faux leather jacket. I love this jacket. It is in a style I am assuming you would refer to as “swing” but as we all know, I am fashion challenged since I am not even really sure what Prada is. Or understand why any woman in her right mind would spend $250 on a Coach purse.

Anyway, there is a tear in my jacket. Or we should perhaps call it a hole. A big gaping jagged rip where you can see the lining. And it flaps. It’s quite distracting.

What would you do if you were confronted with a big gaping jagged rip in your favorite jacket?

Would you:

A) Purchase a new jacket?
B) Visit a talented seamstress or seamster (what is the male version of a seamstress?) and have them fix the rip?
C) Wander around your office asking all the men you know if they have any duct tape?

I’m pretty sure you can figure out that C is the answer to what would Dana do.

Not one single man in this office has any duct tape. Not one. Oh, they have duct tape at home. But can they remember to bring it in? Of course not. It made me pine for an office like News Radio where Joe Garelli would wander around fixing everything and anything with duct tape. Joe Garelli would be able to fix my jacket for me. Joe Garelli would, quite possibly, be able to not only fix my jacket but whip up a stylish hat out of duct tape. I love Joe Garelli. Why yes, I was quite fond of News Radio. How did you guess?

Last night, as Keem and I were at Walgreen’s picking up pictures (which were quite expensive since I had close to 500 pictures developed. Yikes) because we are scrapbooking with Beth on New Year’s Eve. Anyway, at Walgreen’s, I was wandering around looking for duct tape and couldn’t find any. I did, however, find black electrical tape.

Keem asked me if I was almost ready to leave (because she is overly impatient. It is always “Dana, are you done yet? Dana, what is taking you so long? No, Dana, you can’t go and look at the books.” Take time to smell the books, Keem. It will be fun) and I said yes. I told her that I hadn’t been able to find any duct tape but I thought the electrical tape would do.

Then I heard this deep voice behind me. “What are you fixin’?”

I turn around and there he was – my hero. Tall, dark hair, blue flannel, jeans, beard, boots. Had he walked out of an Alaskan wilderness to rescue me in my duct tape emergency? I remember thinking “Hmm. You’re kind of cute in a lumberjack way.”

I laugh and said “My coat. I’m too lazy to go and get it repaired.”

He smiles at me. “The electrical tape should work. My brother, he has some black duct tape, but I don’t know where he got it from.”

“This should work,” I say and hurriedly go to meet Keem at the register.

What happened? Did he suddenly brandish a knife? Did he shout murderous invective to an invisible friend? Did I notice a wedding ring?

No.

When he smiled at me, he revealed that he is missing several teeth. Actually, my use of several is being kind. There was a large gap. Actually, perhaps it was more of a canyon.

Perhaps you might say “Dana, really, you shouldn’t be all that fussy. You are not exactly beauty queen material yourself.” And I would agree with you, at least about the beauty queen part. But I can be fussy if I want. I do have some standards.

All I can say, in my defense, is that I don’t ask for much. All I’m really looking for is a guy who can sing, has a good sense of humor and, if not all of his teeth, some decent dentures. I do not want to date a man that my friends refer to as “Gaptooth.” Because they so would.

Does that make me shallow?

Oh, and my jacket looks lovely with its beautiful black electrical tape patch job. I feel shiny and new.

Previous Comments:

At 4:19 PM, Matt said…
Father,I agree with you it is right to have standards when looking for someone, because without them you could end up dating an evil whore troll from hell…..yes I am speaking from experience. Looking for a man that is funny, and can sing, and doesn’t have all of his teeth missing…well that is just damn picky isn’t it? Just kidding of course.Not beauty Queen material? Matter of opinion oh beautiful one, matter of opinion. If the judges took the time to see what the person was on the inside, instead of how much they make them drool on the outside, I would more than likely watch the shows again. But unless Sandra Bullock and Benjamin Bratt are going to be starring in the Scholarship Program, I will not watch it. (Sue me…go ahead, I am sure you will get far with the five cents that I have.)I loved your post, and please keep them coming, they are so much fun to read.Your son,Matt
At 1:48 PM, brooksba said…
DM,You think we’d call him “Gaptooth?” Wouldn’t that imply he had teeth (or at least a tooth)? You know that we would accept anyone you chose to date. The only reason why we would tease them would be if they happened to insult you in front of us. I get a little vicious on that one. I know that Matt and I tend to make comments regarding someone. I do like that person though. It’s just that the person I’m referring to can be a little rude sometimes and insulting towards others. That bothered me and I’m a Scorpio and I hold grudges. You are beautiful. I know you don’t think so. You are though. I’m glad you fixed your jacket.Beth
At 3:31 PM, Robert ~ Marlénè said…
1) A male seamstress is a tailor. I would go off on a huge tangent about the masculine and feminine versions of various professions, but I have pictures to upload and a webpage to update, so I shan’t.2) As a person who pays very little attention to his teeth, and who in fact is missing a molar, even I require that if a person is missing more than one tooth, especially if they are front teeth, that person should get a denture… to not do so argues a lack of self-esteem and regard for the feelings of others that renders any man undateable. Now perhaps he’s getting his dentures repaired, or perhaps he just lost the teeth and hasn’t had time to get to the dentist (most of whom are probably on vacation this time of year), but I would never date a man who went walking around with no teeth… unless he looks like Benjamin Bratt (who is so freakin’ hott-with-two-Ts that he could be entirely toothless, with hair growing out of his ears and a prehensile tail in back, and still be hott-with-two-Ts.3) I can’t remember where I last saw one, perhaps in the Notions department of a large drugstore, but there is such a thing as a vinyl repair kit… they used to advertise them on TV as being suitable for fixing leather jackets, car upholstery, desk-tops, etc. But in the meantime (assuming your coat is black), electrical tape should do the trick… so long as you apply it face-up inside of the coat and press the tear closed onto it. If you are walking around in public with electrical tape on the outside of your jacket, I simply have no words.
At 11:05 AM, CarpeDM said…
I think those of you reading Robert-Marlene’s 3rd point can figure out that if I ever show up in California wearing my black coat, he will pretend to not know me. This would, of course, be after I introduced myself since we have never met IRL.Of course the tape is on the outside. I never even thought of repairing from the inside.
At 11:42 AM, Robert ~ Marlénè said…
Honesty forces me to admit that I walked around for months with a small safety-pin holding the arm of my eyeglasses on. And I’m still trying to figure out how to patch a bleach-hole in my favorite jeans, which formed in a most inauspicious spot (an inch to the left of the zipper, in what you could call my “Danger Zone”) without drawing undue attention to myself (I was thinking a bugle-beaded lips patch, but I’m not so sure I have enough basket to carry it off). So I guess my words should be “here, girl, let me help you fix that.” 🙂
At 12:10 PM, Cy said…
Since you’re in Minnesota, what are the odds that your hero was a currently unemployed professional hockey player, who didn’t feel like putting his bridge in that morning?::smiles::(With all his teeth, mind you.)

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