Sunday night, as Beth and I walked in The Chalet, I heard Beth say “Karaoke gone wild at The Chalet.” I had no idea where she got that from or the fact that it was an omen. In fact, it had been an omen for the past two weeks.

This last month has been interesting for Beth, Keem and I. We have, on occasion, turned to each other and said “Hey, who needs television? We have our own soap opera, our own Jerry Springer show going on.” So when Beth and I go to karaoke, it’s a way to relax from our exciting lives. Yet it seems like the excitement is following us. Here’s just some of the things that have happened in the past two weeks.

A week ago Sunday, in no particular order, I did the following things:

1. Watched a girl (we’ll call her Sheena) cry because she may or may not have had some form of sexual intercourse with a complete jackass out in the parking lot (didn’t get the whole story but felt really bad for her. I was reminded of some of my past What Was I Thinking (WWIT?) moments).
2. Sung “Doe, A Deer” as an attempt to drive three of the most annoying men I have ever had the great displeasure of sharing my bar (yes, dang it, it’s my bar. My universe, my bar) with. It didn’t work. It also didn’t work when I sang “Stuck in the Middle with You” and tried to imitate the dance Michael Madsen did in “Reservoir Dogs.” It probably would have worked better if people would have allowed me to use a knife like I wanted but oh, no, Dana can’t be trusted with sharp objects…it’s not like I’m a crazy person or anything. Gee, threaten to fork one or two people and you get a reputation.
3. Bemoaned the fact that I found Stephen Baldwin attractive and it was all Beth’s fault. Beth likes to have me watch movies that I’ve never seen before and so, on Saturday and Sunday, I watched Casablanca, The Usual Suspects and Reservoir Dogs. In The Usual Suspects, Stephen Baldwin is tall, muscular, scruffy and a bad guy. It was horrible. In kind of a sexy and disturbed way.
4. Participated in a mini intervention with Sheena because she was somewhat drunk and not making wise choices. This included asking her to please keep her clothes on when the drunken asses from number 2 were hooting at her to take her clothes off. Also assisted her friends, (let’s call them Audrey and Adalia), when they were talking about how difficult it was going to be to get Sheena’s keys away from her, by asking “Are these her keys?” and handing them over to Adalia. Also “helped” Beth by walking to her car to return her many books on Portugal as an attempt to spy on Sheena and her amour du jour when she went out to the parking lot to wake him up when he was passed out in his trunk (wow! What a winner).
5. Watched Bryan and Jay, the “Son of Mike Tice,” (nicknamed this because he bears a strong resemblance to Mike Tice) sing the Backstreet Boys song, “I Want It That Way.” Jay had promised he would sing this for me on the weekend of my birthday but he, his wife and child had been sick so he hadn’t been able to make it. Now I am not a fan of the Backstreet Boys but when Bryan and Jay do this, it is absolutely hilarious. They make it all dramatic and start doing the dances, completely making fun of the Backstreet Boys. But this time, it was even better. About halfway through the song, they start singing it in the style of the Three Tenors, very operatic and dramatic. It was great. Beth and I and also the three women sitting with us were laughing so hard that my face hurt at the end.
6. Watched as Sheena pulled a very tiny plastic penis out of her purse and put it over her straw. She then proceeded to drink her alcoholic beverage through the hole in said tiny penis. I could not help but ask her “Why would you want to suck on anything that small?” I also had to say “Hey, I think I dated that guy.” This, of course, resulted in laughter.

This last Sunday, in no particular order, I did the following (Beth also did a post on this, it is located here):

1. Played with my little Super Hero guys that I got out of the vending machine on Friday. Encouraged Beth and Bryan to play with them as well. For a few minutes, there were Super Heroes flying around our table. And then crashing to the floor in ignominy because they are actually not real Super Heroes but tiny little plastic figurines.
2. Giggling with Beth over phrases in her Portuguese phrase book. Other than actually trying to pronounce the words (because let’s face it, I have a hard enough time with English, let alone another language), the way things were phrased were amusing. Such as “Would you please lubricate the car?” Since I, as we have discovered before, am actually a teenage boy, I could not resist saying “Yes, since I will be inserting it later.” We were also amused by the phrase “Would you please put water in the battery” but Carol was kind enough to point out to us that, yes, batteries do have water in them. Oops. We also learned how to say various food names. Which I have, of course, forgotten. Except for bacon. Apparently bacon is pronounced Ba-cone (or Baaa-con, can’t remember) and, since it is quite possibly the most perfect food in the universe, I will never forget this. Once I remember which pronunciation is right, of course.
3. Itching like crazy. Char and Tom came to karaoke and Char had an allergic reaction to something and was breaking out into either hives or a rash. Since I remember the horrible time when I quit smoking and turned out to be allergic to the stupid Zyban and broke out into horrible, horrible hives, my skin starts crawling when I see someone else in that same pain and I want to just rip it off. God, even typing this right now is making my skin itch. Think calming thoughts. Lalalala. The sky is blue. Puppies and kitties are playing together in harmony. Lalalala.
4. Watching my quaint little bar become overrun by drunkards. Apparently a bar down the street had closed at 1 AM since it was Easter and the drunkards found their way to the Chalet. We got to witness the trashy (and trashed) women dance in what they considered a sexy manner but, to us who were sober, it appeared to be the mystical, romantic mating call of drunken females that says “Hey, I’m a slut! And I’m drunk! Come do me now, baby! On the dance floor! C’mon!” However, there was one guy with them that was rather attractive so I did enjoy watching him sing. He was tall, with dark hair and possibly blue eyes and was fairly muscular and also was built like a football player with the thick neck and okay, need to stop now. Yeah, anyway, I thought he was kind of hot. If you couldn’t tell.
5. Decided to use my powers for evil instead of good, apparently. Beth had finished singing and Bryan de-introduced her (okay, not a word but I don’t know what to call it. When people leave the stage, he’ll say something to encourage you to applaud) by saying something very similar to this (can’t remember what it was exactly) “And that is Beth. Who is not evil at all (He pauses). Unlike Dana.” Off of my dumbfounded look, he laughs and says “See? Look at that look she’s giving me. Clearly she is evil.” Throughout the night, we would joke about how I am evil…even when I tried to use my New Year’s Resolution of not killing anyone this year as proof that I was not evil, Bryan said “And how is that working out for you? Not too well. I can see the rage in your eyes.” Do I have rage in my eyes that I’m not aware of? I didn’t think I did. Maybe I am an evil genius.
6. Spent half the evening exclaiming “Who steals tires?” Some idiot or idiots thought “Hey, I’m a loser. I have nothing better to do with my time than make someone else’s life miserable. Why don’t I go and steal the tires off of this car because I am too lazy to get a job and work for my own needs? Oh, and while I’m at it, maybe I will throw rocks at puppies and kittens and orphans. Because I am a selfish bastard.” And then said idiots stole from Char and Tom. Jacked up their car in the parking lot, ripped off their two front tires and caused damage to their brakes or rotors or axle or something car related.
7. Marveled in the fact that the “cool people” sat at our table. Our table! It was amazing. Dean sat next to me and I got to smell his hands because they smelled like Jesus. Don’t ask. I have no idea. They did smell good though. I had an actual conversation with Dean, Liz and James. I also had a brief conversation with some person I don’t know, who sat at our table and annoyed me when I said (in a joking manner) that I was scared of the drunk people, that I should just ignore them because it’s not like I was ever going to see them again. Um, hello, strange person who I don’t know but who has a great voice, did I ask your opinion? Did you pause to think that maybe I was making fun of them? Bryan called them drunkards all night (well, from oneish to two-thirtyish). Did you tell Bryan to not worry about it? No, you did not.
8. Talked to Bryan and Beth about how Jesus was either a vampire (my theory) or a zombie (Bryan’s theory). Yes. We are aware that we’re going to hell, Mom. But thanks for pointing it out. Again.

I can not wait for next Sunday. It will be very exciting. Beth is working out a plan that will allow us to only miss one week of karaoke when we go to Portugal. Some might say we were karaoke junkies. Oh, wait, that would be us.

Previous Comments:

At 7:03 PM, Anonymous said…
Hey, I’ll try to find a bar. God help me.Also, we say “bacon”. Pretty much like you do only slightly bigger emphasis on N. Chuck the bad bad book.Johnny
At 7:07 PM, Anonymous said…
Hey, I’ll try to find a bar. God help me.Also, we say “bacon”. Pretty much like you do only slightly bigger emphasis on N. Chuck the bad bad book.Johnny
At 7:08 PM, Anonymous said…
Bloody buggery Blogger! Bah.
At 4:50 AM, brooksba said…
Ah, karaoke gone wild. That was a fun night. And we have a gift idea! Hee hee. I don’t think that phrase book will be good for anything, other than amusement at karaoke. Portugal! Portugal! I’m getting a litte overly excited. Yea! Must. Sleep. Now. Can’t stop laughing at the story my boss told me tonight about when he was 15 and got kicked in the jewels by a heffer and landed in a pile of cow manure. I almost pooped my pants. Then he fell. Hee hee. It’s been a little bit of a crazy week.Love ya!Beth
At 6:10 AM, Weary Hag said…
I always crack up when I read about your and Beth’s antics over the weekends! Sounds like you two have a blast no matter where you go!