After waking up at 5:00 (again with the early rising. What is up with that? Oh, right, me) and playing online for a little bit, I went back to bed at about 6:00. Keem walked into my room and told me that I was showering first (we share a bathroom and alternate our order of showering. She always showers first on Monday though. That is just a given. Because I am dead to the world). I take my shower and walk into her room to get her up.

We have a brief conversation and I tell her I am going back to bed for awhile.

When her shower is done, she walks back through my room and tells me to get up. I muttered something to her, I’m sure, because next thing I hear is the booming voice of Keem. It is filled with authority.

Keem (K): DANA!
DM: Yeah (I stand up by the bed). See? I’m up.
K (Obviously reading my mind and knowing that I plan on sneaking back to bed after she leaves the room): WALK AWAY FROM THE BED!

I laugh, which helps wake me up, and go off to get ready, thinking the whole time about Keem as a police woman. A police woman, who oddly, in my imagination, enforces furniture laws.

Can’t you see it? Keem driving around the city, on the lookout for shabby couches and unauthorized futons? She could bust up the faux leather armchair gang.

I can also hear her.

K: Sir, I see you have torn the tag off of that mattress. That is a 40-8 Class A Furniture Violation.
Uninformed Consumer (UC): What are you talking about, lady?
K: Ignorance of the law is no excuse, sir. That’s a $500 fine.
UC: What? I’m not paying that. Screw you, copper!
K: That’s it, sir! You’re coming with me!

She pulls out her handcuffs and, to the delight of all of the innocent bystanders, cuffs him right there in the furniture store. She strides out to the applause of a grateful community, knowing that as long as Keem is there, they are safe from furniture violations.

Maybe I could sell this idea to television. What do you think? Would you watch a Furniture Drama? Maybe she could have a forbidden love with a member of the faux leather armchair gang? I think it would be great. After all, Steven Boccho actually put a show about singing cops on the air. Why not furniture cops?

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