Beth, my incredibly brilliant and recently promoted friend, had been conducting a ton of interviews lately, looking for a team lead for her new team. She and her former boss were conducting the interviews together and came up with a list of questions they would like to ask to trip up the applicants. I thought they were hilarious and almost meme-like and, out of complete and utter boredom, have decided to answer them.

I bring you the Fake Interview Meme.

1. Which constellation in the night sky do you identify with the most? Give me a synopsis of the mythology of that constellation, the correct coordinates in the sky, and the reason why you have chosen that constellation.

As a Pisces, you would think I would use my zodiac symbol but I actually am quite fond of Orion. Orion was a hunter favored by Artemis (Diana in Roman mythology, Goddess of the Hunt). He angered Apollo (Oddly enough, he was named the same in Roman mythology, God of the Sun and Artemis’s twin brother) who tricked his sister into killing Orion, after having a giant Scorpion chase him into the sea. Once she realized what she had done, in her grief, she placed Orion and the Scorpion into the sky. It’s somewhere that way (point randomly into the sky). I chose this constellation because I can recognize it easily (three stars form his belt) and I often wonder if he is lonely.

2. What do you think of the color yellow?

Vibrant (if it is citrus lemon color) or Boring (pale lemon).

3. My team lead needs to have the skills to tell me stories, complete with hand gestures. Go.

Hmm. I can only think of one hand gesture but I’m not sure I’d get the job if I use it.

4. What is your opinion about clowns? Do you hold the same opinion about clown shoes?

Thanks to Stephen King, they creep me right the fuck out. I do not have the same opinion about clown shoes because I have never read a book about clown shoes going on a murderous rampage.

5. Which member of The Beatles was your favorite? Why?

Ringo Starr. Are you kidding? The man is hot.

6. Can you build an ark if there was a flood? Would it float?

I’m sure I could give it a try, even though I’m not sure exactly what a cubit is and it would be an excuse to play with power tools. Whether it would float would depend on if someone smart took the drill away from me.

7. Follow up to the ark question. Which ten species would you NOT take in pairs on your ark?

Mosquitos, chiggers (stupid little bugs with no purpose except to irritate the heck out of me) and anything poisonous (except for the frogs. Because they are cute).

8. What is the cure for cancer?

Oh, it’s already been discovered. But the drug companies, working with the President, are keeping it hidden because they would lose too much money if the cure was released. But don’t tell anyone. Because if you do, Jean-Luc Picard is going to come after me and I’ll be compelled to buy “The Catcher in the Rye” which will lead them to me and then I’ll have to fake my own death.

9. Without the aid of a calculator or paper & pencil, what is the square root of 1,234,567,789?

42 (I have no idea, really. I just answer most questions I don’t know the answer to with 42).

10. Tell me your thoughts about sprinklers.

Eek! Ah! Sprinklers (One night Beth and I left Perkins and walked to her car where I was viciously attacked by sprinklers and it was kind of cold and this is what I said. Or maybe it was IHOP. Beth will know)!

11. If you had a choice between being able to fly and being invisible, which would you pick?

Invisible. Because that way I could sneak onto airplanes and fly if I really wanted. I am assuming that I can become visible again if I want to, right?

12. What do you think about hats?

I like them. Even though they are responsible for me not being a manager at NABABNA (here’s a hint – when applying for a position, do not, in the middle of answering a question about what type of manager you would be, look at the hat stand in the office and say “I like your hats” and then go back to answering the question. It kind of ruins your chances at getting the job. Something to do with not being sane enough to do the job).

13. Here’s a scenario. Aliens have just invaded the planet and are colonizing in Minnesota (because they are crazy – you know aliens, never doing enough research about weather patterns). They have decided to not kill all humans and earth creatures and look for employment. How would you coach an alien in selling banking products?

Well, that depends. You really can’t coach an alien until you know what galaxy they are from. Are they humanoid? It would be very difficult to coach an alien that I couldn’t communicate with. And what if I accidentally insult them and then there is a war. That could be bad.

14. Do you participate in Internet forwards? Do you believe that sending the email actually gives you good karma?

It depends. If I think it is funny, I will occasionally send it off to friends but it has to be something new. I’m one of those heartless bastards that shows they don’t care by deleting the email. Actually, yesterday I deleted one that said I could possibly die in 48 hours if I didn’t send it off. So if I do die, I’ve really enjoyed blogging and meeting you all. Bury me with Hippo.

15. Have you ever dreamed of monkeys ruling the world? If so, please describe the dream in detail. Be specific about the differences if monkeys were creating policy.

I can honestly say no, I have not. I have dreamt that George Clooney tried to eat me, that Puddy was my boyfriend and that a man came from the future to save another man from convicting his best friend of a murder committed by a woman obsessed with an amorous octupus. But I’ve never dreamt about monkeys. Which actually strikes me as a little odd when you think about it.