Hi. Because I am all about educating you, my faithful readers (all seven of you), here are some things that I have learned over the years.

1. When buying a new comforter and sheet set, it is perhaps a good idea to wash said comforter and sheet set in hot water before putting said comforter and sheet set on your bed. The reason for this is because, while your new comforter and sheet set has a completely and totally awesome Chips Ahoy print,

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you may find yourself having a conversation such as this one:

Cream Puff Man (CPM or, as I like to call him, Puffy – partly because he is so puffed up with his own importance): Why are you blue?

He is not referring to my mood. No, he is referring to the fact that my skin was a lovely Chips Ahoy blue. Which, while it will immediately make my mouth water when I see it on a Chips Ahoy package, is not the color I want my skin to be. I am not prejudiced against those who are blue, of course. As many can tell you, I am quite fond of Cookie Monster and Blue of the M&M family (as evidenced in this post). I have no feelings about Blue from Blue’s Clues. I have an incredible crush on Beast from the X-Men but who could blame me? Not only is he intelligent and funny, he is also massively hot. If you like your men covered in blue fur. Which I apparently do.

DM: I bought Chips Ahoy sheets and it turned my skin blue.
Puffy: What are you? Five (said in a horribly condescending manner)?
DM: No. I just like Chips Ahoy.

This irritates me, by the way. While I have proven many a time that I act like I am five (the whole clapping enthusiastically at the sight of balloons, telling co-workers random things such as today’s brainy conversation starter “I have Cheez-its,” hugging the occasional tree, etc), I believe that this is what keeps me young and vital and, well, just gosh darn fun. Obviously something that Puffy has never been and would not understand the concept of unless it came up and bit him on his hideous plumber like ass crack nose.

2. When you decide to dye your hair the color of Luscious Raspberries and the box says “Hey, this product will stain your skin, you dumb moron, you really should protect yourself by oh, reading the directions and covering your skin with vaseline (or something like that),” maybe,

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just maybe, you should follow the instructions on a box of hair dye for once in your life. Because they are not lying! Not only will you end up with a scalp that is bright red and looks like you have been, forgive the pun, scalped, you will also end up with a pink bath tub. Which will irritate your roommate. Who is already irritated because she got hair dye all over her nightgown when she was dying your hair.

3. After taking a shower and then waking up your roommate because it was your turn to shower first, if you decide to go back to bed for a bit, it would be a good idea to make sure that you are not sleeping directly on your lovely new (and wet) pink/red hair. The reason for this is that you will, after your roommate wakes you up, walk into the bathroom to brush your teeth and realize that your cheek and temple are quite pink. And, while you have always had a problem with having rosier than normal cheeks, this is not the same thing. You will then spend the next 5 minutes trying to scrape your skin back to its normal (but not normal) color.

4. When trying to come up with a song that fits your post, spend several minutes laughing because you remember how a former friend of yours would sing certain songs and sound like Kermit the Frog which was so not the celebrity he was trying to mimic. And then you remember how Johnny sang for you when you and Beth arrived in Portugal and how she sounded like Kermit deliberately and how you laughed and laughed and gosh, wouldn’t it be nice if you could go back to Portugal right now? And then you remember how Bryan’s cousin was at the Chalet one night and how he sang the Rainbow Connection and how incredibly well he did singing it and how he managed to completely sound like the person whose song he was singing (such as Kermit, Neil Diamond and Axl Rose) and how that was really kind of hot. And then realize that you have called two men in this post hot and one of them is a fictional character that just happens to be blue. Wonder why you have not yet been locked up yet.

Rainbow Connection – by Kermit the Frog

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
and what’s on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
and rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we’ve been told and some choose to believe it.
I know they’re wrong, wait and see.
Someday we’ll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard
and answered when wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what it’s done so far.
What’s so amazing that keeps us star gazing
and what do we think we might see?
Someday we’ll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

All of us under its spell. We know that it’s probably magic.

Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I’ve heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that called the young sailors.
The voice might be one and the same.
I’ve heard it too many times to ignore it.
It’s something that I’m supposed to be.
Someday we’ll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

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