Do you know what I did this weekend, oh faithful readers of mine? Hold onto something solid because the shock might kill you.

I cleaned. Yes. I know. It is amazing, isn’t it? I cleaned out my closet (and I came this close to using the Eminem song “Cleaning Out My Closet” as a title but I decided against it, mainly because it has absolutely no bearing on my weekend and I’m not a big fan of him either). Let me tell you, that was a load of fun. There is nothing like coming across a laundry basket full of clothes that you haven’t worn in awhile and realizing that the faint odor you spell is none other than cat piss. Yummy (Keem had a cat named Bob who hated me for whatever reason and would take his revenge out on my clothing. I thought that we had got everything but WRONG! Stupid cat). Fortunately it wasn’t that bad, just two shirts.

My theory for cleaning the closet was to make judgements on the clothing based on 3 categories. These were the “no longer fits me and I hate it,” “fits me but looks absolutely horrible” and “no longer fits me but I adore it so I’m holding onto it until next year” categories. I was able to fill two bags of clothes for donation and can now see the floor in the closet. It is very exciting. I also found my shoe rack and, when I find my shoes (scattered around the bedroom), I will put them on said rack. And! I went through a box of things that were in my bathroom and ruthlessly threw stuff I do not need away. I was quite proud of myself. Jeff came in my room and asked if I was feeling well because he has rarely seen me clean my room. I tend to throw things in a pile and navigate treacherous paths throughout the room.

As a reward for my industry, I took a shower and a nap. This was on Sunday. I did absolutely nothing on Saturday. Well, laundry but that is boring, even though I got to hang out in the laundry room and work on a jigsaw puzzle. I should state, for the record (because I am always honest with you, dear Internet friends), that my idea of doing laundry may differ from all of yours. Here is what I did:

Put the remaining clean clothes away (I usually leave them in the wheelie cart and take clothes directly from there).
Gather the dirty clothes and put them into the wheelie cart.
Chase Eddy through the hallway when he escaped as Keem and I were leaving the apartment.
Put the dirty clothes into 5 washing machines willy-nilly (I do not sort. Sorting is for anal-retentive fools. Live free, people! Break the laundry chains! So what if you occasionally end up with pink socks! Pink is fun!).
Add laundry detergent.
Put quarters in my 5 machines and Keem’s 6 machines (she sorts).
Tell Keem that I am a Helpful Dana because putting the quarters in the machines is the most difficult part.
Listen to Keem sputter with laughter. I am a Funny Dana.
Work on puzzle.
Take clothes out of washing machine.
Put clothes in 4 dryers.
Work on puzzle some more (Keem did the quarters this time).
Whine at Keem until she agrees to fold my clothes for me (I bribed her).
Get clothes out of dryers and pile them high. It is a mountain of clean and fluffy clothes.
Work on puzzle some more.
Whine when Keem says it is time to go back to the apartment because I have not finished the puzzle.
Wheel cart back into my room.
Tell Keem that I will put my clothes away like a Good Dana.
Don’t put my clothes away.
Play on the computer.

I am sure that you will all agree that my version of doing laundry is probably much more exciting than yours.

Okay, anyway, back to Sunday. Beth called me to wake me up and it took a little while for me to a) hear the phone and b) get through to her. I called her back and then we had a “conversation.”

B: Hello?
DM: Hi, I didn’t get to the phone…
B: Hello?
DM: Beth?
B: Hello?
DM: Can you hear me now (I have a slight crush on the Verizon Wireless guy so I can never resist saying this)?
B: Hello?
DM: Beth?
B: Click (She did not actually say click. She did, however, hang up on me. I was shocked and/or stunned).

So I called her back and got her voicemail. And tried back again and it was busy. And tried back again and finally got through to her when she told me she was at Pennsylvania Avenue (which I have no clue where that is so, as usual, judged the time completely wrong and was late meeting her again).

Beth did a post on the oddness that was the night at karaoke – one of the semi-regulars was there, a man known on our blogs as the boy (it used to be THE BOY (with an implied exclamation point)), a man whose only mission in life appears to be to confuse the heck out of Beth and drive her insane. If Life was an SAT test, the question would be “the boy is to Beth what Gil is to ____.” And the answer would be Dana.

It was an odd night but also a lot of fun. We were able to meet Angie’s new beau, a man named Steve, who both Beth and I approved of greatly. We had met her previous beau and did like him but were also reserved because he always seemed to be drunk. Steve not only was able to hold a intelligent conversation but has a highly wicked and inappropriate sense of humor, just like ours! We had a great time talking to him and coming up with pickup lines for me to use after I started complaining about the 8 years of celibacy. Steve’s suggestion (I think) was that I start taking in refugees from New Orleans (well-built, hot male refugees). Yes, we are all going to go to Hell so if you are easily offended, skip over this next part (in green). Otherwise, have fun reading it.

Pickup Lines:

Baby, you don’t have to be a refugee.
I’m a Class Five love hurricane.
No levee is going to keep my love back.
I’ll rock you like a hurricane (Beth wanted me to sing this song but Bryan vetoed it. Thank God).
There were more but I can’t remember all of them. My new nickname is Hurricane Dana, an approvement over Evil Dana, if you ask me. Bryan started blowing into the microphone whenever it was my turn to sing.

Apparently we now have fake names for two semi-regulars, Dave and Seth. Dave is, well, quite yummy, if you ask me. He is dark and handsome and has a very deep voice. He also has acted in a few plays so we’ve had fun talking about our theater experiences. Seth is tall and kind of gangly with red hair and black hornrimmed glasses, cute in a geeky way. He is very smart and was explaining to us that when he gets drunk, he starts talking about his senior thesis. We asked him about it and then were completely blown away when he started talking about something in the most technical language ever, God knows what he was saying. Dave translated for us, it was something to do with animation or photography or, oh, who am I kidding? I have no idea.

The boy arrived later on in the evening and came over to join us. He was there with Pete, as usual, and Guru (these are fake names, in case you can’t tell) was a new addition to the boy/Pete mix. While Guru has been seen before, he has usually been with Pete. Guru and Pete were both rather drunk and also annoying and devoid of any personality whatsoever. The boy even asked us if Pete had a personality, which Beth and I found quite amusing since this has been a topic of discussion between us. We both explained our theory, which is that Pete quite possibly has multiple personalities but it would be nice if he would bring at least one of them along with him. The boy explained that he and Pete have been friends for a long time which indicates that he is loyal. I got the impression that he had outgrown Pete as a friend and wasn’t sure what to do about the situation.

Guru decided to tell us all (Beth, Angie and myself) that he was not gay and offered to prove it. If I had been thinking, my response to this crude conversation starter would have been “Well, that’s obvious. You are neither charming or witty enough to be gay.” Which is a stereotype, I know, I have known gay men who are neither charming or witty but they are a rare breed. Instead, we let him know how disgusted we were with him. Did he get it? Probably not. He was too drunk to understand that 1 and 1 is 2, let alone that he was acting like an idiot.

After the boy dragged the inebriated Pete and Guru out, the intelligence level at our table shot up (this is in no way a suggestion that the boy had anything to do with lowering said intelligence level, he does strike me as being able to hold his own in a conversation. He was overly animated on Sunday but Angie summed it up pretty well when she said to Beth “Oh, that’s why he was like that. He’s trying to impress you.”)

Liz and James joined us shortly after and the best part of karaoke took place. As much as I love singing, I enjoy the conversations between my friends and I the best. We splintered into small groups of discussion – Angie, Beth and Dave began discussing the differences between Faith and Religion with a soupcon of Politics thrown in (or so I believe. I was involved in my own conversation and only picked up bits and pieces. Seth and Liz began debating the merits of the educational situation in Japan. James and I started talking about our respective jobs and dealing with the corporate mindset. It was a good end to a somewhat bizarre day.

As we were leaving, Dave made a comment to Angie about his marital status (He is married but is either legally seperated or in the middle of a divorce) – “I am technically married and have a child but I’m hot (something like that and he was kidding when he said it).” My response was “Yes. Yes, you are.” Which is proof right there that, as funny and smart and attractive as Dave is, he is not Gil because I would never be able to say anything like that to Gil.

And Angie, who is my Avon Lady, also brought me my Avon order and I was excited to see my new ribbon watch – it is a silver watch face that fits on a long velvet ribbon with three silver snaps to hold it into place. I cannot normally wear watches, either I can’t find a a watch band large enough to fit my wrist comfortably or it overbalances my wrist and causes my carpal tunnel to flare up. This watch, however, is very comfortable and lightweight. I am quite pleased. We also started referring it to my bondage watch because it is kind of strappy. Yes. We are a bunch of freaks.

Okay, anyway, I am sorry this took so long to write, it has been very busy at work and my computer at home is extremely slow so I am way behind on both posting and reading all your blogs. Sorry.

The title comes from a conversation Beth and I had on Instant Messenger the other day. We were discussing the songs that we were listening to on iTunes and I explained I had a playlist called Confusion City which has a ton of songs that I listen to over and over again because they remind me of Gil in some way. She had asked what songs were in the playlist and I gave her a partial listing and mentioned that Amazing by Josh Kelley was listed twice. It has quickly become one of my favorite songs to listen to and sing along with and I wish it was at karaoke because I would try singing it. And yeah, I think Gil is amazing and only wish he felt the same way about me.

Amazing – Josh Kelley

You paint a picture on the wall
Cause you’ve got a lot to tell me
But you don’t think you could say it better oh baby

You’re bringing up times I can’t recall
And I’m sure they made your point
But I just can’t seem to remember yeah

And I know you’ve got the feeling
And I can’t say I’m agreeing
With your topic of conversation
So just listen to the reasons
And the hints I’ve been giving
To the thoughts of my imagination

[Chorus]
So come on let me see
I say baby you are amazing
I want to let you see
That you are everything and more to me
I will let you be I will I will

Cause I saw you walking down the hall
And I had a lot to tell you
But I didn’t think you could say it better oh baby

You’re good at making me feel so small
And I know you made your point
But I just don’t want to remember yeah

And I know you’ve got the feeling
And I can’t say I’m agreeing with your topic of conversation
So just listen to the reasons
And the hints that I’ve been giving
To the thoughts of my imagination

[Chorus]

Cause I’m dancing around
In your world of play
I’m taking my time to make sure you stay
I would give my life to make it okay yeah

So come on let me see…

[Chorus]

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