I was reading flea’s blog last month and she was telling the story of how her youngest son, Christopher, had a birthday party and received two of the creepiest looking robots I have ever seen. They are called Robosapiens and Christopher was absolutely thrilled to get them. Flea’s husband, Steve, had been about to suggest that they return one when Christopher very excitedly exclaimed “TWO ROBOTS!!! I HAVE TWO ROBOTS!!! I WANT THREE ROBOTS. I WANT FOUR. I WANT FIVE ROBOTS. FIVE ROBOTS!!! FIVE!!!!”

As flea put it, “Christopher has begun to amass a robot army, people. A robot army that will do his bidding. What this means for the rest of us, I cannot say.

Stock up on your bottled water. The endtimes have begun.” Is there any doubt as to why I love her writing? The woman is brilliant.

Anyway, the whole point to my post, other than to gush over flea’s writing, is that Camera Obscura left the link to quite possibly one of the funniest lists I have ever read, 100 Things I’d Do if I Was an Evil Overlord. Seriously. I giggled for a good 15 minutes over this list. Probably the best part was number 7 where the future Evil Overlord said “When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, ‘Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?’ I’ll say, ‘No’ and shoot him. No, on second thought I’ll shoot him then say ‘No.’”

Now you might be wondering why I am telling you about this list. And the reason is that, while Keem and I were doing 5000 tons of laundry (6 loads all on my own. Remember how I said I cleaned out my closet? Lots and lots of clothes that are all nice and fresh and fluffy now, ready to either be put back in my closet or given away) that same week, she was reading a book and I was working on a puzzle. And I was irritated because one of the puzzles I wanted to work on, a puzzle of hot air BALLOONS!, was put away with all of the pieces still attached to one another. So, in order to work on the puzzle, I would have to disconnect all of the pieces. That is not my job, people. That is the job of the prior puzzler. I get another puzzle out, one of flowers. Keem asked why I am getting a new puzzle. I explain.

I open up the new box and, sure enough, there are puzzle pieces that have not been appropriately separated.

DM: Do people not know that they are supposed to separate the puzzle pieces when they are done with the puzzle? This is their job.
Keem: Perhaps you can explain that to them, Dana. You can educate us all (I’m sure she meant this sarcastically).
DM: That is a good idea. I’ll do that.

So. Without further ado, I bring you my list. The list of things that I will do when I am not the self-proclaimed Queen of the Universe but the actual, honest to goodness, recognized by governments everywhere Queen of the Universe.

Proclamations by Dana, Queen of the Universe

Random Declarations

1. After completing a puzzle, you are required, by law, to separate the puzzle pieces instead of just dumping them into the box. This is very irritating.

Declarations of Foreign Policy

2. Intolerance will not be tolerated (pun intended). I do not care what you think, buddy, this is my universe and I make the rules here. Don’t make me smite you.
3. All those that want to participate in stupid wars will be sent to their room. I have decided that your room is now Mars (Mars was the God of War so it seems fitting to me). You can go ahead and blow each up all you want and not have any effect on those of us who think that fighting over oil or religion is stupid. You will not be allowed to participate in space travel because, quite frankly, I’m sick of all of you.
4. Dictators that flourish while their subjects suffer will be in BIG trouble. Anyone who is responsible for mass death, starvation and/or poverty to other human beings will be stripped of all power and forced to spend the rest of their lives exactly the way that those they subjugated did. Let’s see how they like it.
5. If you can’t live amongst your neighbors without causing a fuss, I will relocate you. It’s a mighty big universe. You could end up on a planet that has really no atmosphere at all. Sort of like you with really no personality or brains.

Declarations of Religious Policy

6. I do not care if you believe in God, Jehovah, Yahweh, Allah, Buddha, Confucius, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Krishna, Loki or absolutely nobody. Remember Declaration #2? Now here is the sign that I am the best Queen of the Universe in the, well, Universe. I am a born again Christian. But unlike certain presidents, I am not walking around telling you that you’re all going to go to Hell because you don’t believe the same way I do. However. A fanatic is a fanatic is a fanatic. If you start harassing people and tell them that they have to believe the same way that you do, well, you know what? Jupiter has vacancies (Jupiter was the King of the Gods so it also seems fitting).
7. If two adults of reasonable intelligence decide that they are in love and want to get married, that’s okay. I do not care what color they are. I do not care if they are the same sex. I do not care if one is 7 feet tall and the other is only 4 feet tall. I like love. Love is good. Showing your love by marrying someone that you love is good. People that cannot accept this and feel that interracial and/or gay marriage is going to cause the break down of the Institution of Marriage are a) idiots, b) truly pissing me off and c) going to live on Venus (Goddess of Love. I think I have a theme here). Do not quote your Bible, Torah, Other Religious Documents or Piece of Paper You Wrote a Bunch of Nonsense Words On at me.
a. Addendum to Declaration #7. Anyone who comes to me and says “I want to marry my sheep. Or my 16 year old daughter. Or a rock” is obviously not paying attention and may end up facing my wrath with a swift kick to the rear because stupid should be painful.
8. Religion and State should be separated. If you want your child to be able to pray in school, send them to a religious school. I think we have more things to be concerned about, such as whether or not some idiot is going to start shooting everyone.

Declarations of Government Responsibility

9. Anyone with the last name Bush or who is related to a Bush is absolutely NOT allowed to run for president. I’m sorry but I’m not putting up with it anymore. If you start yelling “Jeb in 2008,” I will not be happy. Is there any reason why we couldn’t have a woman president? Not Barbara or Laura! Weren’t you listening to me?
10. Teachers, Police officers, Fire Department Staff, Nurses, etc. will be paid what they are worth. If you are risking your life at your job, you deserve a lot of money. If you play a professional sport, you should be playing for the love of the game and therefore receive, oh, what a teacher gets now. Yeah. That works for me.
11. Everyone needs to have medical insurance. Everyone should have a place to live. Children should not go hungry or have to live on the streets.

Declarations Just Because

12. Everyone should go to karaoke at least once. It is very fun.
13. Certain people who live in Texas should stop trying to usurp my power (Why, yes, Mark, I am talking about you).

Hmm. I have run out of declarations. Is there anything you can think of that you would like me to do when I am in control of the Universe?