Several years ago, if you would have sat me down and said “Dana, you are going to become a complete and total karaoke junkie. You are going to live and sleep and breathe karaoke,” I probably would have laughed at them. But you know, it’s kind of true. Especially when you think that, besides blogging, that’s really my social life. I’m okay with this. I’ve met some great people through both activities.

Last night was dead. Hard to believe after how crazy last week was on Sunday and Thursday. I did do my hair and wore my sparkly shirt and, if I do say myself, looked good. Maybe a little too good. Some of you will remember from last year, my quest for the perfect cleavage enhancing shirt. Well, I found it. Several times during the evening, I would look down and I was spilling out of the shirt (not that bad but both tattoos were on full display through most of the evening). I am not used to this at all because most of the clothes made for larger women fall into two categories – sedate, Grandma clothing and “Hello, I am a whore” clothing. Since I have rules against extremly tight clothing (yeah. Because bulges are sexy) or exposing my midriff (I think it is tacky and have only met one woman who can pull it off without looking tacky, that would be Marion, Reverend James fiance – mainly because she doesn’t combine the midriff bearing shirt with hip hugger jeans), I rarely wear anything that falls into the latter category. I am more into the long, ankle length skirts (don’t have to wear nylons, don’t have to shave above the knee (does any one (women, I mean) remember why it was so taboo to shave above the knee? Flea asked about that recently and I remember my mom telling me not to do it. I don’t care about it being tabboo now, I just don’t do it because it is way too much work)), comfortable jeans, the occasional dressy blouse (or t-shirts). I’ve decided that, since Thursday and Sunday are the only nights I go out, I’m going to start dressing up a little more. Just for fun. NOT because of Gil. Really. You believe me, right?

When Holiday Cheer Attacks

There was a group of four people that sat in the back. One of them, a woman wearing a sequinned Santa hat and also a shirt that appeared to have a lit fireplace on it, had one of those voices that really annoys me. You know the type. It is the high pitched, baby voice that some women have. The only reason I can see for this is to drive me insane. Now, I’m not talking about Marilyn Monroe in “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.” No, think Victoria Jackson (former SNL member, “Casual Sex?” star) but raise the pitch and decibel level about five hundred degrees (I don’t know if decibels and pitch is measured in decibels. Just work with me here).

Bryan was standing at our table, talking to Beth, Angie-Ang and Steve (Angie’s boyfriend (Or Steve 1, as we started referring to him once Steve 2 (Beth’s team lead) arrived)), Amy and Craig (I do not know what Craig’s relationship to our little karaoke dynamic is. He appears to be a friend of Amy. He is kind of hot and also amuses me so I welcome him to our table)). Woman with the Annoying Voice comes up to the table. She stands right behind me at my left, touching me with her body. Look, let me put it this way, WAV. The only person I want standing this close to me is Gil, okay?

WAV (to Bryan): Are you the karaoke man?
Bryan: No. I’m the karaoke boy.

We all laugh appreciatively. Except for WAV. She stares at him blankly. You can almost hear the word “Huh?” forming in her brain.

WAV: You should sing Hark the Herald Angels Sing.
Bryan: That’s not going to happen.

Bryan is an athiest minister (I think I’ve mentioned that before). Bryan is the man who, if I ever get married, will perform the ceremony. While he and I have completely different spiritual beliefs, he is an intelligent and respectful man who would never discount someone else’s beliefs. We’ve had good discussions about the Bible, religion, whether or not Jesus is a vampire or a zombie, etc. Instead of telling this woman that there is no way he’s going to sing a Christmas hymn, he says a very simple “Sorry, I’m not interested.”

WAV wanders off and we resume our conversation. Later on, she returns. She is drunk(er) and, as hard as this might be to believe, even more annoying. And again, she is standing right next to me, her body pressing up against my shoulder. Woman! Just back off already.

WAV: C’mon guys, you have to get him to sing Hark the Herald Angels sing!
DM, Beth, Amy: That’s not going to happen.
WAV: But I really want to hear it.
Angie: I don’t think we have it.
WAV: But…but…I want him to sing it.
Amy: No. You should ask him to sing this great Christmas song. It’s called Purple Rain.
WAV: That’s not a Christmas song.
Amy: Sure it is.
WAV: He should stop being such a Scrooge.

She nudges me with her body.

WAV: Don’t you want him to sing a Christmas song?
DM: Look. He’s not going to sing it. He’s Jewish.

Beth later said she couldn’t believe I chose to say Jewish over Athiest but my reasoning was that I was not going to watch her try to convert Bryan. That would just be annoying.

WAV: He’s a Scrooge.
Amy: No. He’s Jewish. He’s not singing the Christmas song. Okay?

WAV finally wanders away. Bryan walks by. I tell him that he’s now Jewish. He nods. It doesn’t phase him at all. Later she shows up again when this guy is on stage singing something, she stands in front of him and starts shouting “Blame my Dad! It’s my Dad’s fault!” I think it had something to do with the song but I’m not positive because I can’t remember what he was singing.

Nicknames Du Jour

Later on, we realize that WAV and her group are gone.

DM: My God, she annoyed me.
Bryan: Yes. And unlike Dana, she needed batteries to make her shirt sparkly.
DM: I have a much better use for my batteries.

Bryan is speechless momentarily.

Bryan: When did Dana become evil?
Beth: She’s always been evil. You gave her the nickname Evil Dana.
DM: It comes from dating the Devil (long story short, Randall Flagg is my fake boyfriend).
Steve: *Says something about cloven hooves and a tail (can’t remember exactly what it was)*
DM: Once you’ve gone cloven, you never go back.

Somehow I get talked into singing Strokin’ by Clarence Carter. Both Angie and Beth turn the puppy dog eyes on me and convince me this is a good idea. It is not a good idea but our rotation is down to Angie, Amy, Beth and myself so what the hell – it’s new song Sunday again. I end up alternating between singing Strokin’ and Vibratin’ which is what Beth and Angie would yell up at me (Lisa Jo had sang it one night as Vibratin’ and it cracked us all up. We are so mature). I get to the part where Clarence Carter says how he knows how his woman is “sati’fied”( because she starts calling his name) and I substitute “Hurricane Dana.” Steve is pleased because he is the one that gave me the nickname Hurricane Dana in the first place.

Considering that I complained about not having a good nickname when I gave Keem her new name (Kim with drawn out “ee’s.” I like “ee’s”), I am fond of both of these and glad they were given to me. Even though they seem to indicate that I am destructive and evil and everyone knows that I am so sweet and wondrous and everyone loves me. Right? Right?! Why are you all cowering in the corner?

Men are stupid. Except for the Steves. Oh. Sorry about that, Craig.

I’m not really sure how we got on that subject or why who said it (Angie?) but it brings up another topic. After I don’t know how long, the boy shows up at karaoke, along with Pete and Guru and some other guy (not Mullet Man). They stay up at the bar (yay about Pete and Guru, boo about the boy) and do not approach or acknowledge us. Beth had invited Steve 2 (her team lead) up to karaoke and I was really hoping that he would show up while the boy was still there. And he did. I did a subtle chair switch with Steve 2 so that he could sit across from Beth (subtle because I was sitting in the middle and there was an open chair next to me and if Steve 2 sat there, Gil couldn’t sit next to me (which didn’t work)) and I was hoping that the boy would notice that a) Steve 2 is very cute and b) attentive to Beth (disclaimer – in a non-romantic way because they are friends and she is his boss but hey, the boy doesn’t know that, right?) and then would c) gnash and grind his teeth in frustration because he is slow like molasses and never asked Beth out.

Hey, I never said I couldn’t be petty at times. I don’t think it worked anyway. The boy and entourage left later. The boy said goodbye to Beth and I but that was it. Stupid boy. Does he not realize how great Beth is? Dang him. He doesn’t deserve her. Pete and Guru said nothing. We think that P&G may be afraid of Beth. Sweet.

For some reason, I decided it would be fun to play with Steve 2’s sideburn. I’m not sure why. But it was kind of fun, sort of like touching a crew cut but not. Beth, who is extremely ticklish, started giggling. She will giggle if you pretend to tickle her.

Gil was there but did not sit next to me. It was very sad.

More evidence that we are part of the cool table

Matt and James arrived and so did Liz. I gave Bryan and Liz their Christmas presents. They collect globes and maps and I found an ostrich egg that was decoupaged into a globe on eBay. It is very cool looking. I also got Theo (their dog) a lacrosse like scoop thing that you can use to throw a tennis ball. It is the perfect gift because Theo loves to play fetch but the ball is always slimy when he brings it back. I told them that the scoop thing was from Eddy in an effort to foster good cat/dog relations.

Matt invited both Beth and I to his birthday party in a few weeks. We are very excited about this. The oddness that we are excited about hanging out with a bunch of comic book geeks and refer to them as the cool group has not escaped us.

Um, is there more? I’m not sure. Beth? Am I missing anything? I’m sure I am.

Oh, forgot something.

Football season. Yay.

So I got to overhear two arguments about football (or hockey. Maybe one was about hockey) on Sunday. One was while I was in the bathroom working on my makeup and I could hear people yelling and telling one of the people that they were going to drive him home because of his horrible comment (don’t remember what it was but it was about FOOTBALL! Who cares?) and someone might have left but then came back.

The other one was this guy that was sitting at the bar and talking to Bobby. I had gone up to pay the tab and he was babbling about football and I could have cared less. Liz had said something about him and I said “Yeah, he’s talking about football. How exciting.”

When suddenly he said “And then she gave him a lap dance” very loudly.

DM: Huh. Maybe they are not talking about football anymore.
Liz: Well, they could be. You know (referring to the whole Vikings controversy about the sex ship, etc).
DM: True. It would certainly make football games a little more interesting.

Okay, I’m tired. Need to go to bed. Only 3 more days and then I have a three day weekend. Thank God. I am going to love being able to sleep in Monday morning after going to karaoke on Sunday. Because, yes, where else would you go after your family festivities on Christmas? The Chalet, of course!