So the boss (also known as Matt) and I were talking about why I wanted to go home and he made some smart alecky comment and I said “You’re not funny” and he said “Obviously I haven’t shown you this email I sent my friend” and I read it and laughed and said “Yeah, you are funny. You’re freakin’ brilliant. Can I publish that on my blog” and he said “Yes” and emailed it to me.

You might remember Matt from previous posts such as Just another reason why I love my job and Stuff (descriptive title that. It’s the one where I found out that my personality matched Captain Kirk (yay!)).

Anyway, this is an email he sent to a friend of his. I think it is hi-larious!

From: Matt
Sent: Thursday, December 22, 2005 10:07 AM
To: Matt’s friend
Subject: Dark days

Dark days are upon us my friend. The holidays are quickly drawing to a peak and survival is essential. Now with JC Day and other highly publicized birthdays coming up, I think yours is tomorrow, you must realize that people will not be this friendly in a week. Many victims have been claimed by happiness overload during these times. These poor souls have been seen in Christmas stores in July to get their mid year fix. They needed that taste of the holidays to hold them over for the long journey ahead. I have compiled some tips to help people through these times. Enjoy

  1. If you have to drink at all; get drunk. Nothing brings you back to reality better than a good hang over. That and picking pine needles off your clothes from trying to make relations with the Christmas tree. (It was asking for it)
  2. Step on a scale. There are a lot of cookie recipes that call for flour, butter, and sugar. They are the triad of chunky buns. The less you eat means the less guilty you will feel when you sleep in instead of going to the gym.
  3. Relatives are not forever. You don’t have to like them, you just have to tolerate them. There’s only so many times that you can listen about the time that Uncle Bob beat up your Mom’s prom date. You already know the story by heart so just smile politely and laugh at the appropriate times. Just make sure that there is something interesting going on behind them. That way it looks like you’re paying attention to them when you’re actually watching the football game on the other side of the room. Touchdown!!!!! Go Broncos!!!!
  4. Don’t ask for the gift receipt to return something. I have lost gifts after a month to only find out that a friend has mysteriously acquired the same item, and I have a new CD. Nobody’s feelings get hurt, and I’ve been meaning the replace that stolen Alice in Chains CD for a while anyway.
  5. Strategic napping. Nothing gets you out of annoying family functions like passing out on the couch while moaning, “Ohhhhhhhh, I ate waaaay too much food. Aaaaaaaaagggghhh”. Everybody has been there at one time or another so nobody is the wiser. Just make sure that you didn’t just get done putting down a bottle of wine while having a chugging contest with Uncle Bob. It tends to raise suspicion.
  6. Last but not least; make your own fun. Don’t let other people bring you down. It’s one of the few times in a year that you don’t have to remember that credit card is about to blow up and you hate your job. That and New Years Eve is just around the corner. “Party on Wayne!! Party on Garth!!”

Happy Holidays. I celebrate Aku. The dark overlord of all that is evil from the cartoon Samurai Jack. That and Scooby Doo. It’s a talking dog that solves mysteries man. That’s… like so crazy….man. Where are the Cheetos?

My God, I love my job. He’s the best boss ever. Even though he seems to think I’m sucking up when I say that.

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