So I was sick on Monday, you all knew that. I’ve pretty much recovered, thank goodness.

My week has not been overly exciting, despite the misleading title. I went back to work on Tuesday where my boss laughed at me about the bus adventures from Monday. I found out that there were a lot of problems during the day and am really glad that I missed them. Seems like the heat went out (again. We’ve had so many problems with the heat either quitting all together or the air conditioning not working. It’s an old building and I’m not sure what the problem is but my God, it can get annoying when you are either freezing or sweating and trying to be pleasant to stock holders) and then the computer systems stopped working. Apparently there were 60 calls holding at one time. Yeah, makes me glad I went back to bed.

Tax season is starting to heat up. I am really beginning to think that the statements we send out should not have “Please retain for your tax records” printed on them but a disclaimer that says “Warning! If you throw this statement away, we have the right to laugh hysterically at you when you call us and want statements for the last ten years at no charge. And if you get mean, we have the right to come over to your house and beat you over the head with blunt objects.”

Wednesday I went to the doctor. I thought my appointment was at 1 PM but it was not. It was actually at 1:45 PM. Not a big deal for me because I had a book but I thought the receptionist was going to drive me nuts because she wouldn’t stop talking to me. Lady. I am not five. I am capable of sitting in a waiting room without having someone talk to me to keep me from loneliness. Remember when I said “It’s okay. I have a book.” That was code for “Shut up! I’m reading! I don’t like it when people talk to me when I am reading!”

I hate new doctors. There’s always that awkwardness where you have to wonder if they’re going to yell at you or be mean and not have a good bedside manner (which is an odd thing to say because you’re not actually in a bed when you’re talking to the doctor). I really loved my previous doctor, Deb, and am going to miss her a great deal. Part of me is thinking “Was spending the entire day at the doctor’s office really that big of a deal?” But having to take an entire day off of work just so I can go to the doctor is a big deal. So I had to make the change.

The new doctor seems okay. He’s a bit reserved and not as friendly as Deb (such as I will be referring to him as Doctor Armstrong since I have no idea what his first name is) but he didn’t yell at me (it’s happened before) so we’ll see how it goes. I got another prescription for a month of Effexor and an Alburterol inhaler since my asthma has been acting up a little bit. And then it was time for the one activity I dread the most about having a physical.

You might think that would be having a pap smear but you would be incorrect. I did not have a pap this time since I had one about six months ago (and I had a visitor this time). Plus, paps don’t bother me that much. I would rather have one every day for the rest of my life than ever go back to the dentist again. No, it was time to have blood drawn.

I do not like needles.
I do not like rubber bands being tied around my arm because I’m always afraid the nurse is going to snap me when she ties it (it’s happened before).
I do not like having blood drawn. I do not. It is horrible.
I will not eat green eggs and ham (checking to see if you’re paying attention).

The main reason I hate having blood drawn is because I have small veins that hate me. They do not like to give blood. No. They like to play games. They roll. They dodge the needle. They collapse.

This was probably the worst experience yet (except the time I was in the hospital and they came by to get blood every freaking two hours). The nurse is prepared to take blood from me at about 2:10 PM.

DM: Yeah, this is going to be a problem.
Nurse: Why?

I explain the situation. The nurse decides to give it a shot anyway and puts the rubber band thing on. She examines my elbow.

Nurse: Yeah. You’re going to the lab.
DM: That’s probably a good idea. Better for both of us.

At 2:15, I’m called into the lab. Lab tech #1 examines my elbow. She’s going to go for it.

DM: Ow.
LT1: Sorry. I’ve got one. Um, oops. Lost it. Well, I’ll have lab tech #2 try it.
LT2: Oh, this doesn’t look too bad. I’ll give it a shot.
DM: Owww.
LT2: Dang it. It moved. You said they sometimes take blood out of your hand?
DM: It usually works the best. They use the butterfly needle.
LT2: Okay. Let’s give it a shot.
DM: Ow.
LT2: Huh. Well, there are other options.
DM: What other options are there (I am wondering if they are planning on cutting off my finger or something)?
LT2: We have lab tech #3.
DM: Okay.
LT3: Dana, we’re going to have you move over to this chair.
DM: Okay.
LT3: I’m just going to take a look. I’m not going to poke you right away.

Since every single one of them said this before they jabbed a needle into my arm, I don’t really believe her. We now go into the dance of the blood pressure cuff.

LT3: Hey. What happened to our good cuff?
LT2: Someone stole it.
DM: What? Is there a black market for blood pressure cuffs?
LT3: One of the other nurses probably took it. Oh, this looks good.
DM: Ow.
LT3: Hey! I got it! I got one!

We all watch, fascinated, as my blood slowly moves through the butterfly needle and long, thin tube to the container. Unfortunately it doesn’t last very long.

LT2: It’s not enough. It’s enough for maybe one container but we need two.
LT3: Dang it. Well, we’ll try again.

We continue with the dance of the blood pressure cuff. To make a long story short (too late), they finally ended up drawing the two tubes of blood (why two tubes? Frickin’ vampires) from my elbow. Not the inside of the elbow where blood is typically drawn. No. From the outside of it. I was jabbed five times.

And the bruises! Oh my God, the bruises. On my right arm, I have this huge purplish and yellow blotch. It doesn’t hurt that much anymore. On my left arm, where they finally ended up drawing the blood, I have a not so dark bruise but it is swollen. As evidenced by the following conversation.

DM: Keem. Look. I am injured. See my bruises? I can never be a junkie.
K: Oh my God. Look at this. Your elbow is swollen.
DM: Ow! You poked me!
K: I was just checking.
DM: You don’t say “Hey, your elbow is swollen” and then poke it. That is just wrong.
K: Heeheeheehee.

She is evil. What makes it worse is that, at karaoke, when I was showing off my battle scars and talking about how Keem poked my bruise, Beth decided to do the same thing.

DM: Ow! You poked me!
B: I barely touched you.
DM: I was just talking about how Keem poked me and now you do it?
B: Heeheeheehee!

Beth is also evil.

I suppose in light of the recent James Frey fiasco (which I only know about because some of the bloggers I read have been talking about it), I should remark that my memory sucks and I’m not sure that these conversations all happened exactly the way that I have detailed them. And yes, I know that it is Sunday and these conversations happened on Wednesday and Thursday but I am old and cannot be expected to remember everything that happens.

Before you say anything about my not being old, my sister just signed in.

DM says:
Hello, baby sister!
Kari says:
That is right you are turning 39 aren’t you soon. I am the baby.
DM says:
Oh, yeah, rub it in. Brat. You are the baby because you are younger than me. But not that much.

Anyway, Thursday. It was a good night. We got there, it was a little busy so we found a table in the back. Here are the highlights from the evening:

  1. I am never singing “Faith” again because I suck at it. Thanks, Beth, for suggesting that I sing it. Yeah. Thanks a lot.
  2. This has nothing to do with karaoke but “Invincible” has just started playing on iTunes and I absolutely completely totally love this damn song. I’ll have to post the lyrics. I love Ok Go. Just so you all know.
  3. This also has nothing to do with karaoke. On IM, I have a picture of a rubber duck as my profile picture. Josh, the most brilliant child ever, just saw it and said “Ernie!” to Kari. I love my nephew.
  4. I am never singing “Teddy Bear” again because I suck at that as well. Thanks, Marion, for suggesting I sing it. Yeah. Thanks a lot.
  5. Maybe I sucked at them because I decided not to do a warm up song. I know better.
  6. Also nothing to do with karaoke. Josh is now sitting on Kari’s lap, chanting “Barney, Barney, Barney.” Apparently, the giant purple menace to society dinosaur is his favorite. I may have to disown him. Yes, Kari and Eric, I’m just kidding. He is the heir to my vast fortune (excuse me while I giggle hysterically).
  7. Liz came over for a little bit. She was going to go sit with Joe Funko, Marion, Reverend James and Shawn (Drunkest man in puppet land) since Marion and R James had been in Key West for two weeks. When showing my bruises to Liz, I said “This is why I can never be a junkie. Other than a karaoke junkie.” At the same time I said “karaoke junkie,” she said “A James junkie?”
  8. James, Matt and Shawn (Different Shawn who we met at Matt’s birthday party. For about two minutes. I think he was impressed that we recognized him) came in. They sat up at the bar. Dang it. Matt came over to talk to us and apparently doesn’t remember much from his party. So the fact that he told us he wasn’t circumcised and that Beth is a temptress appears to have left his memory. If only it would leave ours (well, Beth as a temptress is pretty funny. Char thinks she should get a t-shirt that says that).
  9. Later on in the evening, Joe Funko left and there was room at the table so Beth and I moved over. Where we were promptly lectured by R James for not sitting with them previously. Apparently they would have made room for us.
  10. While discussing R James and Marion’s upcoming wedding, we were trying to decide how Bryan should perform the ceremony. Someone (was it me? I don’t remember) said he could do the ceremony like the minister (priest?) from “The Princess Bride.” This led to a good five-ten minutes of throwing out random quotes from the movie. “Wove. Twue wove.” God, that was great.
  11. Shawn sang “Beth” to Beth. In a monotone voice. She was less than pleased. The rest of us were somewhat amused. Except for me! I would never laugh at Beth’s discomfort and hatred for that song. Because it would be wrong. Wrong, I tell you.
  12. After Shawn left, James came and sat down with us. Next to me. Excuse me while I sigh in a mushy and smitten way.
  13. Sigh.
  14. At one point, the evening of drunken revelry was brought up. I apologized to James. He asked why. I said “I compared you to Batman.” He either said “That was amusing” or “I kind of liked that.” I can’t remember which. Beth and I prefer to think it was the latter.
  15. I then said “Adam West Batman” and he said “Yeah, that was kind of weird” and gave me the opportunity to tell him about Adam West’s hotness again.
  16. I told him I could have compared him to either Aquaman or The Thing since I had also had huge crushes on them. And he then told me that apparently there is going to be a television series on Aquaman. Which is cool. I like Aquaman. He talks to fish. I’m a Pisces. Obviously we are destined to be together. Well, that was my reasoning when I was five.
  17. Have I mentioned that James is really frickin’ hot? Because he is.
  18. Sigh again.
  19. Yeah, I think that’s pretty much it from karaoke. It was a fun night. I am looking forward to tonight.

Yesterday, Keem and I went and got our nails done. My nails are now a very pale pink with flowers on the thumb again. We also decided to do a double feature yesterday so I bring you completely unbiased movie reviews.

Fun With Dick and Jane – Beth is not a big Jim Carrey fan but I find him amusing usually. This was a cute movie. It was very exciting for me to see that guy. You know, that guy that I like. Keem, Keem, see him? That guy that I like has been on Buffy, Angel and Firefly. His name is Carlos Jacott (you would think I would be able to remember that) and he’s definitely not a big name actor but I really enjoy his performances whenever I see him. Anyway, the movie was good. I laughed a lot which is always a good thing.

Nanny McPhee – Yeah. I loved it. I laughed. I cried. I laughed some more. I thought it was absolutely adorable. Emma Thompson is brilliant. Colin Firth (sigh) is brilliant and ever so sexy. That small child from Love Actually is adorable. All of the children are adorable. They made me want babies. Dang them. It is really nothing like Mary Poppins at all.

Today I get to do laundry. Oh, the excitement continues. But! Tonight! There will be karaoke!

And here you go – the lyrics for Invincible.

Invincible by Ok Go

When they finally come to destroy the earth, they’ll have to go through you first.
I bet they won’t be expecting that.
When they finally come to destroy the earth, they’ll have to deal with you first,
And now my money says they won’t know about
The thousand Fahrenheit hot metal lights behind your eyes.
Invincible.
You’re invincible.
That crushing, crashing, atom-smashing, white-hot thing… It’s invincible.

When they finally come, what’ll you do to them?
Gonna decimate them like you did to me?
Will you leave them stunned and stuttering?
When they finally come, how will you handle them?
Will you devastate them deliberately?
‘Cause I’m gonna guess they won’t be prepared for
Thousand Fahrenheit hot metal lights behind your eyes.
Invincible.
You’re invincible.
That crushing, crashing, atom-smashing, white-hot thing… It’s invincible.
So, please use your powers for good. You’re invincible.

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