William Shakespeare (my favorite playwright, my 2nd favorite is Oscar Wilde for The Importance of Being Ernest) said in As You Like It that:

“All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players…” (You have to love it when spell check tries to correct Shakespeare. According to spell check, this should be “the entire world’s a stage” which just doesn’t sound right).

Anyway, my point to this is that, sometimes I feel like I am starring in this really insane sitcom that is about this woman and her body that has these different personalities and it might be something like Herman’s Head (which, damn, I loved that show and had the biggest crush on William Raggsdale after seeing him in Fright Night (Of course, I also had a crush on Roddy McDowall after seeing Fright Night so I’m not sure what that says about me)).

Did I say that I had a point in that last paragraph? I think I did. Let me think…hmm. Oh, yeah, so what happened last Sunday? Good question.

As you know, James was there. Here’s my recap of what happened (which can be viewed by looking at Beth’s pictures from the evening).

Amy brought Becky and me balloons! I like balloons! I may have attempted to wear them. I’m not telling.

Steve (Angie’s boyfriend Steve) was there and he asked me to make gestures while singing. This was to mock Amy’s performance during her show where they did the whole Ain’t No Mountain High Enough with gestures. Char also came up for a little while and she seconded that. So, during Change the World (my warm up song usually), I started doing what we sometimes refer to as “interactive karaoke.”

If I could reach the stars (hold one hand up towards the ceiling),
Pull one down for you (make a pulling gesture as if I had grabbed a star).
Shine it on my heart (bring non-existent star to my heart).

It is at this point that Bryan says “If you don’t stop that now, I’m going to stab you.” I stop momentarily, still singing. He walks away. Steve and Char are laughing. Beth, Amy and Angie seem to have disappeared.

I continue. Heck. I’ve got an audience. Is anyone surprised by this?

So you could see the truth (shade my eyes).

Bryan walks out with a fork. I stop with the gestures, looking vaguely guilty. He leaves again.

Ha. Like a mere fork could stop me. Except that Bryan turns around quickly and looks at me. I smile, pure innocence radiating from my face.

If I could be Queen (mock crown on my head)…

Oh, shit. Bryan’s got a knife. He walks toward me in a mock menacing manner. I start backing into the corner, trying to hide under the speakers. He laughs and walks away again. I finish the song without the gestures.

After I finish, Amy, Angie and Beth walk out, carrying a cake that is ablaze with candles (as one of them put it, “We were going to combine your age in candles but didn’t want to have the sprinklers go off.” Or something like that. Ha. Ha ha ha. Aren’t they funny? The correct answer is no). Cake is good. We all have some and then it leads to a cake fight between Steve and Angie (Becky somehow gets plastered with cake as well. Poor Becky).

Craig and Marissa were there. Marissa (still very young and now very drunk) was wishing me a happy birthday but accidentally called me Donna. The look of horror on her face when she realized that was somewhat amusing. It was even funnier when she started babbling to Beth about how much she liked us and now she insulted me by calling me Donna and was I just going to hate her and oh my goodness, let’s pinky swear about this that she won’t hate her. Beth and I have some sort of telepathic bond and are usually able to communicate exactly what we want to say in a look. Beth’s look communicated the following – “Oh my God. Can you believe I just pinky swore? How old is this girl?” Then Marissa leaned forward and said to me “I can’t believe I did this. I like Dana so much. Can you believe I called her Donna? Do you think she’ll hate me?” My look to Beth summed up “Oh, good Lord. How drunk is she? Does she not realize she’s talking to me about me?”

Craig gave me a batman decal. That was very exciting. He also promised to sing “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” with us the next Sunday. The plan is that he would sing the Meat Loaf part and we would sing the girl’s part. Except we would change the words to “Do you love us? Will you love us forever?” And mock make out with him during the instrumental break. Although, as I write this now, I must tell you that Craig chickened out and did not sing. I could not even convince him to lip sync while I sang the Meat Loaf part. When he said “Well, that wouldn’t be any fun for you guys,” I replied “Uh, yeah it would. Because we get to make out with you.” And then I realized that I said it out loud and was somewhat embarrassed. But damn, the guy is hot. Who can blame me (Although I am stating for the record that James is much cuter than Craig. James is cuter than everyone)?

I had two drinks and I’m not sure how many shots. So I was somewhat tipsy but not a repeat of the “Oh my God, I am never drinking again” night.

Anyway, Liz and James appeared. James (sigh) handed me a card. Here is what it says (It might help to know that there is a picture of Barbie in a pink dress (with dark hair, not that sleazy looking blonde hussy Barbie) on the cover and the card is purple with glitter flowers all over it):

Granddaughter,

Pretty as a picture,
Pretty in pink.
Barbie’s lovely,
Don’t you think?

(The inside continues the poem)

She also thinks
Your name should be
“Her Royal Highness Majesty,”
For after all,
You’re Princess for the Day!

Happy Birthday,
Your Sweetness!

(And he signed his name with an exclamation point and underlined his name. Obviously this means something. I’m not sure what but that’s not the point)

It is about here where the night took on the insane sitcom like quality.

So, let’s call this sitcom “Dana’s Body” and introduce you to the characters.

Humans:

Dana (That would be me)
Beth (That would be Beth)
James (Sigh. He’s so cute)
Liz (Friend of Dana, Beth and James)

Parts of Dana’s Body:

Brain (Condescending and yet panicky)
Mouth (Does not know when to keep her mouth shut)
Hand (Somewhat handy to have around)
Heart (Walks around in a constant James related haze. Imagine little hearts for eyes and you’ve got the idea)

Villain:

Alcohol (Has an evil laugh. Wears a lot of black. Twirls mustache on occasion)

Pilot Episode – why Dana should not drink

James hands Dana card. She reads it.

Dana: That card is fuckin’ awesome (when she gets drunk, she swears. She also has a tendency to drop her g’s and has even been known to refer to things as “rockin’”). Fuckin’ awesome (She may repeat these words several times).

Brain: Oh, for the love of God! Who told her she could talk?
Mouth: What are you talking about? It’s Dana. She is our Queen and we must obey her.
Brain: What? You’re kidding me, right? She obviously has no clue about what she is saying. The next time she tries to say something, you clear it through me first. Is that understood?
Alcohol: Heh heh heh heh. Watch Mouth get a little mouthy.
Mouth: You’re not the boss of me.
Brain: Excuse me? I am the brains of this operation, you know.
Mouth: You know, that was funny the first time you said it. Now? Not so much after the 757th time. God, you’re boring. I’m going to go talk to Heart now.

Meanwhile, Dana has shown James the Batman decal.

James: Hey. You can put it on your non-existent car.
Dana: Exactly! On my non-existent El Camino!

Heart: Sigh. He remembered the non-existent car. And he gave us a card about us being a Princess (She does a little dance of adoration).
Mouth: He’s pretty cool. Perhaps I should tell him that.
Heart: Oh, yes! Please do!
Brain (overhears conversation): Absolutely not! No unauthorized conversation! My God, people, do you have any idea how hard it is to maintain our reputation of coolness if you keep running off at the mouth?
Mouth: Excuse me? Running off at the mouth? What exactly is that supposed to mean?

Meanwhile, Dana has noticed that The New Twilight Zone is playing and it is an episode featuring Jeremy Piven.

Dana: Ooh. Look. It’s Jeremy Piven.
Beth: I like him.
Dana: Me too. Ooh. Look. He isn’t wearing a shirt.

Dana and Beth go on a little Jeremy Piven riff (Hey, we don’t always find the same men attractive so it’s kind of nice when we agree. Jeremy Piven, David Duchovny, Vince Vaugh…I’m not sure who else. I know she doesn’t agree with me about Rowan Atkinson).

James: Bryan likes him as well but probably not as much as you two do.

Heart: Oh, no! Dana keeps talking about Jeremy Piven. Mouth! We must let him know that he’s so much better looking than Jeremy Piven.
Mouth: Well, that’s easy.

Dana: Jeremy Piven is cute but he’s no Batman.
Beth: No, he’s not.
Dana: It takes a special man to be Batman (She stares vaguely off into space, a goofy smile on her face).

Brain: Oh my God! Not the Batman thing again!
Alcohol: Heh heh heh heh. This is fun.
Brain: Mouth, she promised she wouldn’t compare him to Batman again. Just last week.
Mouth: Oh, fine. You’re such a wimp.

Dana: Oh. I wasn’t going to talk about that. Oops.

James offers to buy Dana a drink.

James: What do you need?
Dana: Uh…um…

Mouth: I’m going to tell him what she needs. She needs him.
Brain: NO! Don’t you dare!
Mouth: Look, you’re really boring and I’m truly enjoying visiting with Alcohol and he’s a lot more fun than you and he says that it’ll be a good idea for her to tell him that. So there.
Brain: NO! Hand! Hand! I need you.
Hand: Here I come to save the day!

Dana slaps her hand over her mouth. The urge to tell James what she needs passes.

Dana: A buttery nipple would be nice.

Brain: Thank God. Crisis averted.
Alcohol: Heh heh heh heh. She’s going to drink some more of me.

James goes to get the drink. Dana drinks the drink.

Hand: I’m just going to go sit over here.

Dana’s hand, seemingly of it’s own accord, sneaks over to rest, ever so gently, on the back of James’ chair.

Brain: What are you doing? Stop that now!
Hand: What? I’m just sitting down.
Brain: Get out of there. Next thing you know, you’ll start touching his back or something.
Hand: Oh, that’s a good idea.
Brain: Hand, I command you to leave that chair right now!
Hand: No.
Brain: That’s it. I can override you, you know.

Dana’s hand suddenly leaps back to her own chair. This internal struggle is repeated at least one other time.

Some more time goes by. James offers to buy Dana another drink.

James: What do you need?
Dana: Uh. Beth? What do I need?
Beth: A buttery nipple. A double shot would be good.

Heart: A double shot of my baby’s love.
Mouth: Oh, I like that.

Dana: A double shot of my baby’s love (She pauses). Where the heck did that come from?

Brain: Oh, that is it. I am out of here. Let’s see how well you people function without me.
Alcohol: Woo-hoo! Party at Dana’s!

At the end of the evening (since, oddly enough, Dana doesn’t seem to remember much more), James is standing by the door. He hugs Dana.

Dana: Thanks for the card.
James: You’re welcome. Granddaughter.

Heart: Oh, God. He smells so good. I adore him. Can I just tell him that?
Mouth: I’m not sure that’s such a good idea. What do you think, Brain?
Brain: I’m on strike. You do what you want.
Mouth: Heart, I think I’m going to have to say no to telling him about the adoration. This week. But we’ll talk about him later.

On the way back to Beth’s, thanks to the influence of Heart and Mouth, Dana babbled about James the entire time. It is amazing that Beth did not strangle her.

Anyway, that’s it. That is the the tale of the birthday celebration. And if you think that the idea of my body parts having different personalities is far fetched, take this into consideration. I decided that, when I get home from work, I am going to spend at least ten minutes on the treadmill each night. Suddenly my foot has decided to start acting up and it hurts to walk (although this could have something to do with the fact that I did use the treadmill on Saturday and maybe I did something to it). Obviously it is a conspiracy.

Advertisements