Disclaimer – No, I am not going to send this to Jonny Lang. What? You think I’m insane? Don’t answer that.

Dear Jonny Lang,

I am writing this letter to tell you how I am quite probably your number 1 fan. Even though I have never met you or even listen to your music all that much (except when I’m over at Beth’s. By the by, the song “Good morning, little schoolgirl”? Good song. Kind of creepy. But still a good song), I adore you.

I have heard that you are married. This leads me to believe that you believe in love (unless, of course, you married for money and then you can completely disregard what I’m going to write next. But I feel that I know you, Jonny Lang, and have faith in your heart).

I also believe in love. Or, well, extreme Like. This is because I met James. And meeting James could not have happened without you. You’ve never actually met James so don’t rack your brain too hard trying to figure out who he is. Let me describe him for you. He’s like Batman.

This is the series of events that led to me meeting James.

  • In 19something or another, you participated in a contest. A singing contest. You won this contest.
  • The runner up was a man named Bryan McDonald.
  • You went off to gain stardom and acclaim.
  • Bryan got a job working at the Chalet on Rice Street hosting karaoke.
  • You make lots and lots of money.
  • Part of Bryan’s income is paid to him in the form of alcoholic beverages.

Working at the Chalet led to Bryan meeting Liz. They are quite possibly the world’s most perfect couple (More of that love connection that you, Jonny Lang, are indirectly responsible for. You must be very proud).

When we (Beth and I) first started going up to the Chalet, we would see Liz and knew that she was Bryan’s girlfriend. A few of Bryan and Liz’s friends would join her at what Beth and I referred to as the Cool Table. One of the Cool Table’s inhabitants was a man named Dean. We actually knew Dean from a bar named Wild Tymes which is where we first met Bryan. We followed Bryan (okay, not literally because that would be creepy) from Wild Tymes to the Chalet. We joked that we were Bryan’s stalkers.

After Beth and I had been going to the Chalet for awhile, one night Liz came and sat with us. This was very exciting for us. When the rest of the Cool Table came in, they joined us and we were introduced to people that we had just seen from afar (well, as afar as you can get from a fairly small bar but you get the point). One of these men was Barry (hot but quite possibly a serial killer) and James (remember James? He is like Batman).

James is not what most people would call traditionally handsome. He is a self-proclaimed comic book geek, has OCD, may be slightly autistic (well, no, that’s more of a joke), talks like William Shatner and thinks like Mr. Spock (extremely logical. I am not a logical person but many of my friends are. It is my cross to bear). The minute I met him, I fell head over heels into Like. Although I denied it for a long period of time.

Although he has not yet realized that I am the one for him or even that I could love him like that, our relationship has made great strides. In fact, in January, a year after I first fell in Like with him, I proceeded to get very drunk and then tell him how I felt.

My professions of Like included telling him the following:

  • I like him. A lot.
  • He is like Batman (Batman is my favorite superhero, in case you haven’t guessed that yet).
  • But not just Batman. Adam West Batman (which he didn’t seem to find very complimentary until I mentioned that Adam West was hot. Then he liked it).
  • He is like the captain of the football team (remember that he is a comic book geek).
  • I also kissed him. And licked him on the neck. Twice.

Nothing much has happened between us since then but I have hope. And at least I got addicted to the television show Lost out of the deal (James spent a lot of time telling us how great the show was and we needed to watch it so we did). Which will lead to my next fan letter to Naveen Andrews, also known as Sayid, he of the succulent man breasts (man boobies are not sexy. Man breasts are extremely tight and hot pectoral muscles. What Naveen Andrews does to a tank top has to be seen to be believed).

So, thank you, Jonny Lang. Thank you for winning that contest and bringing to me my true Like. Because, let’s face it, Bryan would probably never had worked at either Wild Tymes or the Chalet if he had won and then he never would have met Liz. And more important, I would never have met James. And that would be horrible in so many ways.

Yours truly,

Dana Marie Vittum
Self proclaimed Queen of the Universe

P.S. I am not insane.

P.P.S. Really. I’m not insane. Call off your body guards.

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