Question Number 1 – Why is it that a man can be attractive by conventional terms but the minute he takes his shirt off in a bar and walks around flexing his pecs that all you can think of is that he is (in Beth’s words) “Tom Cruise Crazy (or TCC))” or in my words “Looks like Tom Cruise which IS NOT in his favor (I hate Tom Cruise)*.”

No, we do not want to go to a pool party with you.

No, I don’t want you to massage my shoulders.

No, we don’t want you buy us a drink.

No, we don’t want to watch you do high kicks and odd karate like moves and pick up your friend and almost drop him on his head.

NO, Becky does not want you to grab her face and try to (or succeed?) kiss her while you’re walking out the door and she’s walking back in.

*I have hated Tom Cruise for years. Ever since I had a friend who made me see Top Gun 453 times in the theater (okay, maybe more like 15 times) and Goose dies and Maverick lives and poor Meg Ryan is so devastated and it’s just not fair. Maybe it’s not a logical reason for hating him but I do. I have only been able to watch two movies with him in them with any modicum of enjoyment – Risky Business and Jerry McQuire.

Of course, now he’s given me so much more reasons to hate him with his theory that I should just take vitamins and my life would be so much better. Screw you, Tom Cruise. You spend a weekend with me when I haven’t picked up my Effexor and am crying over scrapbook layouts and sad karaoke songs. And what are you going to do when I throw you out the window because you irritate me beyond belief? Huh? Will your vitamins save you now?

Question Number 2 – Why is it always the wrong guy that flirts with you?

Dude. You seem like a nice enough guy. I can’t really think of anything about you that annoys me exactly except maybe for the attempted conversation about how you won’t go bowling with your nuts because that would be painful. I don’t care.

Question Number 3 – Why is it always that the other guy that kind of flirts with you (who is kind of cute and you wouldn’t mind flirting back with) is a) drunk and b) he has a girlfriend?

But hey, I can sing. According to him.

Question Number 4 – Why is it that the guy that you want to flirt with, the one that you want to grab by the lapels* and kiss, the one who you adore with every fiber of your being, doesn’t flirt with you. And you can’t really blame him for it because you don’t have a clue how to flirt with someone that you like.

*So I taught myself how to read. I would find a word that I didn’t know the meaning of and I would either look it up in the dictionary or figure out the meaning by the context in which it was used. In 4th grade, I was reading at a 12th grade level. The only problem, I have never been able to figure out the pronounciation key used in the dictionary or would decide that a word should be pronounced in what I thought was logical. So lapels, to me, should be pronounced lay-pels. Not LA-pels. Beth and Keem found this to be quite funny. At least I amuse my friends, right?

Answers to questions:

Paul Pike left a comment on a previous post – “Hello cousin of some unknown degree, removed. My mother is Jean Varnerin, nee Vittum. Her dad appears in the Vittum Folks on page 136 as “a daughter 753N, name unknown.” This “daughter’s” name is Stuart Alden Vittum. My name is Paul Alden Pike. You reported in a previous blogs that your father is Robert Earle Vittum. Who is his dad (your grandfather)?”

My father is not listed in the book, it was published a few years before he was born. I never knew my grandfather, he died years before my mother even met my dad. Relying on my wondrous sister, Suz (and feeling like a slacker for not knowing my grandparents names (my grandmother died when I was two)), I can answer your question now – His name was Ralph. He married Mary. I would love to get my hands on a copy of “The Vittum Folks” someday. Dad’s dream was that I would continue where the book left off. Yeah. That’s not going to happen. I can’t even keep track of myself half the time, let alone a lot of relatives. But hello, Paul! It is nice to “meet” you, cousin o’mine. Isn’t it nice to know that if someone is a Vittum, they’re related to us?

DeAnn wanted to know if I missed “Last Comic Standing.” The answer to that is YES! Stupid holiday prempting my program. But I watched last night and am pleased that Chris and Josh are going to the finale but upset that the finale is next week. What the heck is that? I need more comedy in my life.

Speaking of comedy and stand up comics, Liz had me absolutely rolling on Sunday.

Liz: I hate Carrot Top. I hate him. I cannot understand how he still gets work. And that upsets me. Because there are so many talented comics out there and he is taking work and money away from them. I want to kill him. I want to put him in a cylinder and break his legs so he will fit and then bury him alive with just his hair sticking out. And I will die it green so it really does look like a carrot top.

And that Kathy Griffin. Have you seen that D-list thing? She is horrible. There’s no D-list. Wait. There is. It is my D-list. She is on my D-list. D stands for Death, Kathy!

I hate them so much that, if I ever find out that they are going to date and plan to reproduce, I will destroy them. But I won’t just stop with them. I will eliminate their entire families. That way there will be no possibility of Carrot Top’s brother meeting Kathy Griffin’s sister at the funeral and having a baby.

DM: Bwahahahahaha (tears streaming down my face because I am laughing so hard).

Liz: See? You don’t need glitter.* You have my insanity to keep you happy.

*Cleaned my half of the bathroom Sunday (under protest) and found my roll-on glitter. Applied it. Got crap about it for the rest of the night. Apparently not everyone is as fond of glitter as I am. I was explaining about not having taken my pills for a week and I was rather weepy and I liked the glitter because it made me sparkly.

Next week I’m wearing glitter and my crown. So there.

Hi, Becky!

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