Okay. Yesterday I looked out the window and thought about jumping. It was a brief 2 second flash and I told that part of my brain to shut up and backed away from the window quickly. Keem is really mad at me for not telling her this because, to quote her, “Anytime you think like that, it’s a BIG DEAL. What if you don’t talk yourself out of it and something happens that I could have helped you try and prevent? You know that it’s a problem. You need to reach out to people, not pretend it didn’t happen and that it isn’t a big deal. I don’t want something to happen to you.”

Today I cried when talking to my boss and my sister. But my boss gave me a number to call for counseling that NABABNA provides and my sister told me she had figured out what was going on and that she’s going to take time off so she can take me to the doctor. So it’s a good thing.

I have an appointment scheduled for August 2nd to see my old doctor again. I miss her. I never should have switched in the first place. Meanwhile, I am upping my dosage to two pills of Effexor a day – it will put me on the middle of the road dosage (I’m on the lowest amount you can take) and will help even me out a bit until I’ve had a chance to see Deb again.

I have messed up my checking account so badly it is not even funny. Can you say 8 overdraft fees? I knew you could. Thank God this is not a rent check. I might be able to get every thing back in order before rent is due.

It’s really hard for me to admit to having a problem. I think it is because I don’t like to appear weak. I try so hard to maintain appearences to the point of implosion.

I love my job but I hate it.

I love my life but I hate it.

I love me but I hate me sometimes.

I am so tired of crying. I am tired of hating myself.

I want me back. Any suggestions about time travel? If I could go back to about a year ago, I think everything would be okay. I would just make some different decisions.

Sorry to dump all this on you but it really helps if I stop pretending to be happy. I really hope you’re all doing better than me.