Thanks, Diana, for reminding me of this.

I hate the dentist. I would rather have a pap smear every single day of my life than ever go to the dentist again. Some people think that makes me weird but I scoff at them. Scoff. See? I just did it (well, mainly because I like the word scoff. It’s not as fun as thwart but is still cool).

So, a few years ago (decades?), I went to the dentist and the dentist said “Dana, your plague (I mean plaque but plague works as well) is built up horribly. We’re going to use something called the ultra-sonic scaler on your teeth. It will be fun AND exciting and there will be no pain at all.” And I said sure, because why would a dentist ever lie to me, right?

It was horrible. Sharp pain stabbing me in the gums and the teeth and I was gripping the chair with both hands, my knuckles white from the strain, one tear slowly making its way down my cheek.

Completly Sadistic Bitch running the ultra-sonic scaler (or CSB for short): Oh, Dana, does it really hurt all THAT badly?

Uh, what gave it away, bitch? The fact that my nails, non-existant as they are, have punched through the upholstery (upholstery is a dumb word. Just so you know. I do not like it)? The fact that I have just had a fantasy of drop-kicking you through the wall for your patronizing comment? Is it the tear I am trying to hold back because I’m a brave little soldier?

DM: Yes.

She calls in the dentist. The dentist looks at my teeth closely. Hmm.

Dentist who is trying his best to keep me running out of there screaming by smiling brightly but is reminding me terribly of a clown and I hate clowns (D for short): How long has it been since you’ve been to a dentist, Dana?
DM: Um…
D: I’m not going to yell at you.
DM: Uh, ten years?
D: What? Are you kidding me? That’s horrible! And you don’t floss, do you, Dana? I can tell. I bet you only brush your teeth once a day.
DM: Please don’t hurt me! I’ll be good! I’ll floss! I promise!
D: Oh, you say that now but I know people like you. You always promise but never follow-through. People like you should be shot.

Just for the record, the part in italics is somewhat exaggerated. He actually said something along the lines of “Well, since it’s been so long and your mouth is extremely sensitive, we could give you novocaine.” And I said something like “Okay!”

And he gave me novocaine but could only do one side at a time and I ended up having to pay extra for it except I was okay with that because my mouth was numb. And then I went back to work to see if I could get a ride from the guy I sometimes carpooled with and everyone at work laughed at me because a) I needed novocaine to have my teeth cleaned, b) I was a great big wimp and c) I was drooling.

Yes. Actual drool. Gee, that’s the way to attract men. Drool on them. Works every time.

This dentist is also the man that said, when presented with a three sided cavity (seriously. The only thing that remained was the front of the tooth), “Oh, let’s fill it. It’ll be fine.”

Uh, no, it won’t be fine, you idiot. Two years later I will almost collapse from the pain when the filling cracks. And the dentist that I go to, a smart, non-clownlike, almost not scary dentist, will say “What was he thinking? This so should have been pulled” and other mutterings I couldn’t catch.

So, yeah. I haven’t been to the dentist for about five years now. The plague is back. I know I have at least two small cavities but they aren’t bothering me. I can’t afford to go to the dentist right now so that’s really the reason why I haven’t gone. Really. You believe me, right?

And now a meme that I have nicked from Babs because she nicked it from someone else. It was shiny and pretty so I picked it up.

1. Have you had sex in the past 24 hours?

HAHAHAHAHAHA. That would be no.

2. Are you gay?

Didn’t you read the previous post? We’ve established (oh so scientifically, according to Udge) that I am not.

3. Do you have hairy legs?

It depends. Right now they are semi hairy because I was wearing shorts this weekend.

4. Do you smoke anything?

Menthol. Just at karaoke. I am weak.

5. Do you like monkeys?

I am not for or against monkeys.

6. How many fillings do you have?

Uh, I don’t know. That would require thinking about the dentist and I don’t like to do that.

7. Would you rather swim in the ocean or a lake?

I like the ocean, even though she hates me.

8. Have you ever licked one of those square batteries?

What? That just strikes me as weird. So that would be a no.

9. Have you ever read the Bible?

Yes.

10. Did you ever go to Sunday School?

I enjoyed Adult Sunday School (I suppose you would call that Bible Study). Especially when I knew more than the patronizing Sunday School teacher.

11. Do you wear a lot of black?

Not really. Not anymore.

12. Did you ever bring a weapon to school?

Uh, I graduated in 1985. We didn’t go around shooting people out of boredom or what have you. Unless you considered my purse filled with 7 books a weapon, that would be a no.

13. Have you ever hugged a tree?

What a silly question. Of course I have. There are pictures.

14. Do you know what a sphincter actually is?

Yes.

15. Describe your hair?

Brownish. Grayish. Longish.

16. Are you a wildbeast?

Um, no. I’m a Dana. I’m sure I used to be a wild beast at one time. I have never been a wildebeast (wildebeest?).

17. Do you like to have fun?

Okay, this is a dumb question. No. I would rather go to the dentist. Sheesh.

18. Do you like drama?

I am assuming this is referring to movies and then the answer would be no. I don’t like it when people die.

19. Have you ever taken a bong hit?

Of course. I grew up in the 80’s.

20. Do you like mayonnaise?

Yes. Especially the wasabi flavored.

21. Are you afraid to die?

Eh. I’m not dreading it. I’m not planning on embracing it any time soon.

22. Do you like playing in leaves?

Of course. I like it when they are crunchy.

23. Have you ever peed your pants as an adult?

Uh, maybe. It may have been really cold, on the shore of Duluth lake in Fall and I, like an idiot, did not bring a jacket. But that’s a maybe.

24. Have you ever thrown up on somebody as an adult?

No. I almost threw up on someone when we were playing spin the bottle and managed to go to the bathroom in time. Oddly enough, we never did end up kissing.

25. Are you an adult?

According to society, yes. According to my friends, no. I’m about 5.

26. Ever won a spelling bee?

No.

27. Do you ever eat because you’re depressed?

Not anymore.

28. Are you a television addict?

Uh, yes and no. I can give up television for karaoke.

29. Do you think OJ was guilty?

Yes.

30. Do you enjoy spending time with your mother?

As long as it is only every other year or longer.

31. Have you ever had sex in a hot tub?

No.

31b. On a swing?

Uh, no.

32. Do you like Elvis?

Yes.

33. Do you enjoy watching animals “do it” on the Discovery channel?

I’m not really 5 so no.

34. Have you ever had sex with a total stranger?

Well, I knew his name. Is he really a stranger?

35. Do you enjoy the calming effects of turkeys?

I’m suddenly thinking of turkeys that hypnotise people. That’s weird.

36. Does your mom [sic] think someone is hot?

We don’t talk about this.

37. Are you a sugar freak?

Not really. I can resist it. Bread and butter is my weakness.

38. Ever been arrested?

No. Not yet.

39. Ever commit a crime and get away with it?

Possibly.

40. Do you like orange juice?

No. I like orange mango juice, orange pineapple juice but I can’t take orange on its own.

41. What sign are you?

Pisces. Remember the Fish Hook Saga?

42. Ever do the party boy dance in front of the elderly?

What? I have no clue.

43. Where do you wish you were right now?

Portugal. With a certain someone who might be like Batman. And Beth. And Johnny. And Diana and Teri as well.

44. Did you enjoy this?

I’m always up for a meme.

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