On Sunday night, Beth and I made the journey to celebrate the birthday of James, who is quite possibly one of the greatest men in the world. I know you think I am prone to exaggeration but I’m sorry, there’s no other way to describe him. I know some pretty awesome men and he is one of them. I include in this list of great men (that I know personally) the following (in no particular order) – my co-worker John, Bryan, James, my brother-in-law Eric, my roommate Jeff, my former boss Mike and Beth’s Dad*. I would like to include Adam West in this list but, unfortunately, we have never met. It is very sad. Oh, and William Shatner. I am fond of him as well. But no, I never met him either. Sigh.

*And Andy (Beth’s former boss) and Steve (her current team lead).

Anyway, before I go off on a tangent about the relative hotness of Adam West and William Shatner, I was going to tell you about the party.

We arrived at about 10 o’clock. Now, here’s something you may not know. Beth and I are shy. We are not really good at meeting new people. So, on our walk up to his house, we are arguing over who is going to proceed first. I do not know why I bother arguing with Beth, it is futile. She always wins. I am not sure what stunning logical argument she presented to me because, let’s face it, I was a nervous wreck (“New people. Oh my God. What will I say? These are all cool people that know Bryan and Liz and James. What if they hate us? What if they think we’re the biggest dorks ever? Oh my God.”)

We saw James, I presented him with his present of a bar of Philadelphia Cream Cheese. Apparently he eats this like a candy bar. I am somewhat disturbed by this. This is a man who gets completely grossed out if you mention mustard but he will eat cream cheese without benefit of bagels or Cheez-its. Mmm. Cheez-its.*

*I have also found out that he eats herring. HERRING! From the jar. Blech.

We scan the garage, looking for someone we know. There is Matt. Yay! Matt! Woo-hoo! We are somewhat more enthusiastic than Matt usually rates but what are you going to do? We can’t cluster around James or Liz the entire night.

First fascinating conversation of the evening:

DM or Beth (To random people by Matt): Hi. What’s your name?
Male random person: Mumble-er.
DM: Peter?
Male random person: No. Peder.
DM: Oh. Cool. Dutch?
Peder: No, Scandinavian (okay, he told me the name of the country but I can’t remember it now). My brother is Bjorn (mentions person Beth and I have met a few times).
DM & Beth: Oh! We know Bjorn (see! We’re cool! Really we are!).
DM: Well, if you would told me Bjorn’s your brother, I would have figured out you were Scandinavian right away.
Peder: Smiles faintly. His wife never really opens her mouth.

Wow. That was fascinating, wasn’t it? We all stand around. There is a dead silence. Finally, I turn to Beth. “I’m going to go sit down.” I point to a chair a few feet away. She follows me. We start talking about something else, probably scrapbooking or something like that. Anything to keep that dead silence from following us.

Matt comes over. Yay! It’s Matt! We’re very enthusiastic about seeing Matt. I become even more enthusiastic when I see what he is wearing. Oh my GOD! Where did he find this? This is the coolest thing ever. Picture, if you will, black Converse high tops. Those are cool enough (I own a pair of red ones and also pink. Beth has orange. I envy her). BUT! There is a logo on the shoes. Guess what logo it is? Guess!

YES! He has BATMAN shoes! How cool is that?

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Except his only has one logo in the back. Beth took pictures. They are very cool pictures. Eventually she will have time to post them. This will probably be after she is done with her finance class and not plotting the murder of the idiots in her work group (Direct quote: “I hate them all”). Except I think she has a finance 2 class after this one. While I have nothing but respect for Beth and her patience and her brain, I do not envy her at all for going back to school. Well, that’s not true. I’m sure if she was taking an English class or something about Mythology, I’d be extremely jealous. Unfortunately, mythic Gods and Goddesses are not normally found when studying Business Management. Dang it.

Anyway, Matt’s shoes are very cool and I want them (although now I want the above shoes even more because what could possibly be better than shoes with one logo on them? Shoes with multiple logos!).

DM: AH! I want those (I may also have used the words “Those are f*cking awesome)!
Matt: Hot Topic on clearance. They don’t have any more though.
DM: Oh (sad tone).
Matt: You could try online.
DM: Or you could just give them to me. I like that idea better.

Later on, Matt is sitting next to me. I reach over and start untying his shoes, trying to pull them off. Eventually Beth and Shawn start helping me with this and it becomes a wrestling match between the three of them.

The shoe is ripped off his foot and handed to me. I hug it to my chest in ecstasy.

DM: I love Batman (sappy tone).

Shawn tries to take the shoe from me.

DM: No! Don’t take it!
Shawn: It’s okay. I’m not going to give it back.

He takes the shoe and puts it up on top of the open garage door.

DM: No! Too high! Give it back!

He laughs and hands it back. I hug it again. Beth starts taking pictures of us. The shoe gets handed around to Shawn and Kevin. There is also a picture of Matt looking sad.

Shawn takes the shoe (after much protest from me) and hides it when Matt wanders off somewhere. Matt comes back.

Matt: Where’s my shoe?
Beth: She ate it.
DM: It tasted like chicken.
Matt: What? She ate my shoe?

He sits down in the chair across from me and looks upset.

DM: Matt…
Matt: Screw you, shoe eater!

This, of course, makes us laugh hysterically. This may be our new phrase. It is awesome. Like the plums, man.

Later on, we introduce ourselves to a woman who is sitting near us.

Dar: My name’s Dar.
DM: Oh! Wait! Is it short for Darling?
Dar: Yes.
DM: And your husband’s name is Stacy?
Dar: Yes.
DM & Beth: We know you!

We also start talking to Chris who works with Dar and James at the theater. As the evening progresses, we start relaxing and having a great time. Chris and Dar are new to us so we start entertaining them with some tried but true stupid customer stories (I listed the third one because it’s close to the one Beth did tell but I can’t figure out if we ever posted it. Short and simple – woman calls NABABNA and wants to know where she should put her deposit. She is banking online and feels that she should be able to insert the money into her computer). We love meeting new people. Well, once we get over the terror of actually meeting them.

Chris starts drinking rum and gets a little, well, intoxicated. Then he steals Matt’s beer and starts drinking that. Matt declares it is now his beer.

Chris: No, I don’t want the whole beer. I just wanted a sip.
Matt: Too bad. It’s yours now.
Chris: But…
Matt: I’ve been wanting to see you drunk for a long time.
Chris: Why?
Matt: Because you’re the most pessimistic person I know.
Chris: What? I’m not pessimistic!
Matt: Yes, you are.
Chris: No, I’m not.
DM & Beth: No, he’s not, Matt. What are you talking about (because, you know, we met Chris that evening and have suddenly learned everything about him)?

The evening progresses. We begin talking about Star Trek and it’s various incarnations. I re-enact my description (video! Of me! How fun is that?) of one of my favorite Star Trek: The Next Generation shows. We all agree that Star Trek: TNG is the best show but there is some discussion about the hotness of William Shatner as Captain Kirk. Yes, the majority of this discussion did come from me. Also, Dean brings up the interesting tidbit that Matt Damon will be playing Captain Kirk in the newest Star Trek movie. What? Where is William Shatner? How can they do this to me?*

*Do not, under any circumstances, decide that it would be a good idea to check out IMDB’s message boards. You may think that you might get more information about an upcoming film but, instead, you will get to read a bunch of posts about stupid, immature people that have nothing better to do than call each other names under the pretense of a serious discussion about racism and whether or not Shatner will return for the movie.

There is so much else that happened this night and, unfortunately, I left my notes at Beth’s and she was unable to find them (quite possibly because I decided, oh, ten minutes before she was going to drive me home, that I absolutely had to organize my stickers. Said stickers are spread all over the scrapbooking area. It is a true test of Beth’s affection for me as a friend that she has not yet killed me) and I’m not sure if I’m remembering everything.

Bryan wandered over, after karaoke was over, and was telling us how insane the night had been (Beth told me later, that while she had a great time, it drove her crazy not to be at karaoke. I expressed surprise at this. “Really? It didn’t bother me at all.” Her response? “Yeah. I wonder why. You just spent 6 1/2 hours with James.”) Somehow we started talking about, according to Bryan “The best worst movie ever.” This movie is called “Gymkata” and is about a completely new style of martial arts, gymkata, the combination of gymnastics and karate. After listening to his description, which included dramatic hand gestures, Beth and I have decided that we never have to watch another movie again. We can just let Bryan explain it to us and that would be more fun.

DM (laughing hysterically): God. Beth? Why don’t we have a tape recorder? Why? We so need one.
Bryan: Yeah. If there’s a tape recorder, all you’d get would be me saying ‘Gymkata?’ Oh, yeah. Good movie.

At one point, we were talking about scary movies and Bryan started telling us about a television show that he watched a few times. All I really know about it is that Shannon Doherty is one of the co-hosts (hosts?) and the whole idea of the program was to scare people out of their wits. Okay. It was called “Scare Tactics” and I love IMDB for helping me remember the name of the show. I forgive them for the horrid message boards. Just so you know.

He tells us about two episodes. The first one is about some guy who gets locked into a dark area and all you can hear is this small shuffling sound in the background and he is just freaking out. Turns out they have some small guy dressed up like a rat monster and the man goes completely nuts when he sees him. Also, according to Bryan, he is one of the most flamboyant men Bryan has ever seen, so, when he sees the rat monster, he is extra dramatic. I found it on Youtube here.

The other episode involves a meteor and the guy who is being scared is the type you want to have in your corner when there is a crisis. Bryan said he reacted very calmly throughout the whole episode. The first thing that happened was his friend says “Hey, did you hear that?”

Calm Guy (CG): No.

Then, apparently, the mobile home they are in tips over or something and they wander outside to find a meteor pulsing in the ground. Freaked Out Guy (FOG) is in on the whole thing so he reaches out and touches the meteor. Because, yeah, that’s absolutely brilliant. Every one knows that leads to trouble. All dialouge here is based on what Bryan told us, not because I watched the clip (found here). I will watch the clip one of these days, I just want to wait until it is much slower and there’s no chance of a stock owner wandering in and seeing me rolling on the floor with laughter.

FOG (pulls back his hand): Oh! It’s really cold.
CG (reaches out and touches him): Are you okay?
FOG: Look at my chest! Oh my goodness.

He has been in make-up before this show starts and is covered with fake boils or something like that.

CG: Oh. I touched you. That’s probably not good.

The next thing that happens, according to Bryan, is that two “FBI” agents come in. They show their identification quickly and start asking a lot of questions. Did you touch the meteor? Did you hear anything? Blah, blah, blah.

FOG gets led outside after he admits to touching the meteor. CG, true to his nature, remains calm but stares off, thinking.

CG: I’m going to f*cking die here tonight.

That’s all he says. Extremely calm and collected. Not lying on the ground in the fetal position like I probably would be.

Suddenly there are gunshots from outside. The “FBI” agents come back inside, without FOG. They start questioning CG again. And now, finally, Calm Guy isn’t so calm anymore.

FBI Agent: Mr. CG, we need to ask you…
CG: No. No more questions! Show me your ID.
FBI Agent: We already showed you our identification.
CG: No! No! If you’re going to shoot me in the head then just shoot me in the head already or show me your f*cking ID!

Apparently the episode came to an abrupt halt. I have to wonder just how they broke it to him that this was all a plot to scare him.

Later on, when it was just Bryan, Liz, Dean, James, Beth and I, we ended up talking about a multitude of different topics. Such as Bryan’s reaction to local celebrities like newscasters (which, in my opinion, doesn’t make you a celebrity. This is apparently Bryan’s thought as well and he must have expressed this viewpoint at one time since Don Shelby was signing autographs at the State Fair, saw Bryan and immediately got up and walked away), certain musicians that he has run into and aggravated and then Liz starts telling us about a plan Bryan has about how you have to dress up like a famous person on your birthday but the catch is, they have to have been born on your birthday. Liz has Bob Dole. She is less than pleased. Bryan has Tycho Brahe. Tycho Brahe is a famous astronomer but he also is known for the following things:

  • Getting into a duel when he was younger and having his nose cut off. He then made a prosthetic nose out of silver and gold.
  • Having a pet dwarf named Jepp who would run under the table at banquets and tickle everyone’s privates.
  • Having a pet elk that died in a freak accident – apparently the elk became intoxicated and fell down a flight of stairs.

I just checked mine and I have Dorothy Gish, Lawrence Welk, Douglas Adams and Johnny Knoxville. Well, there’s a lot more but these are the ones that I think are the coolest. And yes, I did like Lawrence Welk. I know that makes me a nerd but I don’t care. I think it might have been the bubbles.

Anyway, I know that there a lot more things that happened. Beth and I were there until 4:20 AM or so. It was a great time and I had so much fun. I can’t believe it took me this long to finish writing the post but we have been busy. I have a few short karaoke posts that I’ll probably combine into one.

What’s new with you? My roommate Jeff is moving to Denver on Saturday. I’m really going to miss him but Keem and I will be moving into a two bedroom apartment on or around December 1st so that is exciting.

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