*A vant, for those of you not in the know, is a word I coined once when I was extremely annoyed with an escalated call and said to Beth “I so need to vant right now” when I meant vent or rant. I decided that they worked well together.

Hello! I hope you’re all well. Today it is time for another issue of why the world is out to get me, sweet, wondrous Queen of the Universe that I am. Or maybe this is our first issue. I don’t know. The details escape me. All I know is that I am here to complain creatively.*

*That’s what I call it. Keem disagrees. She refers to it as whining. But I could never ever whine. It is not in my nature. Really. Oh, shut up.

Yesterday, Keem checked the mail and I heard her actually squeal with delight over an envelope. Is this an envelope from a secret lover? No. A check for a million dollars? Not even close. No, this was an envelope from Ramsey County Court Systems. Keem has been called for jury duty. This is so unfair. What makes it even worse is this is her second time. I have never been called for jury duty.

As we were talking about this in the elevator, the guy next to us was looking at us in puzzlement.

Guy: Wait. You’re upset because you haven’t been called for jury duty.
DM: Yes! This is wrong! It is my dream to perform my civic duty.
Guy: Your dream.
DM: Yes.
Guy (turns to Keem): And you’re happy because you’ve been called for jury duty.
Keem: Yes! I did it once before in La Crosse and it was fun but it was only for a half day. I can’t wait!
Guy: You girls are weird.

He exited the elevator.

Keem: I got called for jury duty!
DM: Shut up! You’re gloating.
Keem: I’m just excited to serve my country.
DM: Grr.

Last year Jeff got called. I am tempted to call my Congressman.

My other vant would be the fact that I ordered Chicken Chow Mein and I received a disaster instead. I love Chow Mein. I adore it. But why is it so hard to find a place that makes a decent Chow Mein? Why? Why are there mushrooms in my Chow Mein? There are no mushrooms! This is a travesty! And the chicken is limp and flavorless and there is some other weird vegetable floating around that I can’t place but it is green and leafy. I am disturbed by this. The only official Chow Mein vegetable is celery. Not mushrooms. Not leafy things that could be spinach but I’m not positive.

And why is my Fried Rice yellow? Fried Rice should not be yellow. It should be brown from the ton of soy sauce that is supposed to be dumped into the dish to give it that lovely crisp, crunchy rice, not soft, boring rice. I guess I should be glad that there are no mushrooms in it.

I think that’s pretty much it as far as vants go. Other than the fact that it is Tax Season and we all know how I feel about Tax Season.

I was telling Matt (my former boss) about playing “Ask the iPod” and got him to try it. One of his questions was “Will the calls calm down next week?” The answer? “Sit and Cry.” iTunes doesn’t lie, folks. And then he and the iPod got into this little argument where Matt said he was going to throw the iPod into the toilet and what did iPod think about that and the iPod said “Murder.” It was pretty funny. You might have had to have been there.

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