Is there an apococlypse that I’ve not been informed about? Seriously, people, the last two days are starting to scare me a little. I do not want my world to end on Friday the 13th.

Examples of things that have gone wrong or just make me think “What the pha?”:

Example Number 1: So I had Chinese food for lunch yesterday. Yummy, yummy egg roll. I was so looking forward to it. I prepared the egg roll with the proper amount of soy sauce (mmm, soy sauce. I would drink soy sauce if it weren’t for the fact that excessive sodium makes me puff up like the StaPuff Marshmallow Man). I bit into the egg roll and then it happened.

Ka-boom! The egg roll exploded. Soy sauce and egg roll shrapnel ended up all over the front of my shirt. In a nice little line that said “Hey! I have boobs! Look! Look at them! Here is my cleavage. I know it’s not much but still! Boobs!”

I tried to use this disaster to my benefit but was thwarted by Former Boss Matt.

FBM: How are you?
DM: Grr.
FBM: Okay.
DM: Look! Look at what happened!
FBM: Tries to keep from laughing. Fails.
DM: My egg roll attacked me. Can I go home?
FBM: Not yet.
DM: But! But attacking egg rolls! Come on.
FBM: Is your life in danger at this moment?
DM: Yes. There might be bees. Soy sauce loving bees.
FBM: Yeah, that’s not going to work.

Example Number 2: I decided to read last Sunday’s paper because it was Easter Sunday and therefore there were Peeps Dioramas. I despise Peeps as a candy/snack food/whatever the heck those little sugary things are considered but enjoy when they are used for pictures or dioramas. Some amusing websites have been found which leads to hysterical laughter (Peeps Research, Peeps Wedding, Peeps Using the Library).

DM: Bwahahahahahaha!
Co-worker Cindy: Dana, what are you laughing at?
DM: Peeps.
CWC: I knew it was Peeps. I just knew it.

A slide-show of the winning Dioramas from the Pioneer Press are here.

Anyway, this wasn’t the weird thing. What was weird was the letter to Dear Abby.

Dear Abby:

One of my girlfriends, “Dana,” broke up with her boyfriend, “Gil,” last summer. Prior to the breakup, she obtained his computer password…yadda yadda yadda.

Anyway, apparently “Dana” has “Gil’s” password and has been reading his email for the last six months. Anonymous in Michigan wanted to know if this could be considered stalking “Gil.” Abby said yes.

I showed this to Beth at karaoke last night.

B: Oh my God. How weird that they chose those for fake names!
DM: I know! And I’m not stalking his email. I swear.

Some of you might remember that I used Gil as a fake name for James for the longest time. Gil stood for “Guy I like.” So this was very strange to see this in the paper.

Example Number 3:

This morning a woman called wanting to confirm her sales request. I could see that she had done a sales request over our automated system. What I could not see is what happened to that request.

In a panic, I called our group of people who wait for people to call them with both serious and idiotic questions. Guess what my question was.

Co-worker Linda: Hi, Dana. What’s up?
DM: I can’t figure out what is going on with this account. Can you take a look at it?

Rattle off account number.

CWL: Okay, I have it.
DM: She did a sales request on Wednesday so it should have sold yesterday but I can’t find the sale. What’s going on?
CWL: Do you mean the sale for Big Health Organization employee stock purchase plan?
DM: Oh. Oh my GOD. I am such an idiot.

You see, stock here at NABABNA stock owner services has what we refer to issues. This woman had BHO common stock and BHO ESPP stock. I am frantically searching for her sale request in the common stock issue. Not even looking at the big flashing sign that is saying “HEY! Moron! Do you see here where it says she sold the ESPP stock? Right here?”

CWL: You got it now?
DM: Yeah. I’m going home.
CWL: Tries to keep from laughing out loud at me. Fails.

Example Number 4: A woman calls who owns stock in NABABNA. Not a lot of stock. She has an interesting question.

Seriously Deluded Lady: I just received my proxy card for NABABNA.
DM: Yes. How can I help you with that?

I am expecting a normal question like “How do I vote?” or “Why did I receive this?” I am not expecting what I got.

SDL: How do I get added to this?
DM: Excuse me?
SDL: How do I become a nominee?
DM: I’m not sure what you mean.
SDL: How do I get people to vote for me?
DM: Oh! Well, I’ll have to look into that.

I call the group of people waiting for questions…etc.

CWL: Hi, Dana!
DM: Linda! I have a question. I am pretty sure I know the answer but I just wanted to check.
CWL: Okay.
DM: My stock holder wants to know how she gets put on the proxy card so people can vote for her. What do I tell her? I want to refer her to investor relations (we are not the same as investor relations but no one gets that).
CWL: She wants what?
DM: She wants people to vote for her and seems to think this is a perfectly normal question. I want to tell her “Uh, become a vice president or something” but that’d be wrong.
CWL: Refer her to investor relations.
DM: Cool. Thanks.

I go back to Seriously Deluded Lady.

DM: Thanks for holding. I will need to refer you to investor relations. Unfortunately, as the record keeper for the company, this isn’t something we’d be able to assist you with.
SDL: You can’t? I don’t understand. You should be able to tell me that.
DM: I apologize but this really isn’t something I can help you with.
SDL: Well, can I just write my name in?
DM: Uh, again, I don’t know what you would need to do. You could certainly try that but I would suggest you talk to investor relations.
SDL: Fine.

I do not understand how a person who owns a whopping two shares of NABABNA stock seems to think she should be on the board of directors but hey, whatever, right?

The rest of the day was uneventful, thank goodness, except for learning that the IRS has given everyone until Tuesday to file their taxes. Great. Two more stupid days of tax season left. Yippie!

If you’re not sure, that was actually sarcasm.

Found this on Patti’s website and thought it was cool.

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