Okay, there really weren’t aliens.  And the news will not be at 11 because, well, this isn’t that exciting.  Unless you are me.

I strongly recommend that if you are a man (that would be you, Joe), that you close this page right now.  Because what is coming is not for the faint of heart. 

So Wednesday I had an appointment to have a pelvic ultrasound.  It didn’t sound overly fun but okay, it has to be done.  My lady parts (if you will) have been acting up and quite frankly, I’m a little sick of them.

I call for a cab and spend a good five minutes arguing with the dispatcher about if a cab will pick me up at my apartment building.  Um, yes, lady, they will.  I get picked up here all the time!  Stop arguing with me!  Why yes, I would like to be called when they get here because I don’t particularly like hanging out in the lobby.  It’s a nice lobby, don’t get me wrong, with Monet and Renoir pictures to look at and very comfy chairs but if I have a choice between the lobby and my apartment, the apartment wins.

15 minutes later, my phone rings.  Your cab is here, I am told by a gravely voiced man.  Okay.  I’ll be right down.

Turns out that my cab driver had been waiting for 10 minutes and asked that I be called.  He had just been about to leave when I came downstairs.  Grr.  Stupid lady.

I get to the appointment in time.  I had been told to make sure that I had a full bladder which I assumed was for a urine test.  No, I am told by the sweet Amanda who is my alien for the day, this is because the uterus is easier viewed through the ultrasound if you have a full bladder.  Since I don’t feel like I am going to pee my pants any second, she brings me two 16 ounce glasses of ice water and tells me she’ll be back in 30 minutes.  Okay.  I have a book.  I’m fine.  Plus I adore ice water and suck it down quickly.

She does the outer exam and it goes fine.  Nothing overly painful.  Yay!  This is a piece of cake.  What were Kari and Co-worker Vivian talking about?  This isn’t bad at all.  It must have been because they had these when they were pregnant.

I get sent off to the bathroom and come back to find approximately 7 sheets folded and stacked on the little bed I was lying on.  Amanda tells me that they don’t have gynecologist beds so there aren’t any stirrups.  Therefore I am to prop my bottom on top of the sheets.  Riiiiigggght.  That’s going to happen.  Amanda leaves, after asking me to undress from the waist down and get situated on the bed.

Believe me when I tell you there is nothing more exciting than trying to maneuver your ass so you can sit on 7 sheets and lie backwards.  It was, in a word, embarrassing.  Fortunately I did not actually fall out of the bed.  And, after removing two of the sheets, I did manage to get situated, thrusting my girly parts into the air.

Amanda returns.  She explains what is going to happen, she’ll be using some sort of medical device to get an image of my uterus, fallopian tubes and ovaries.  She shows me the device and now I understand what Kari and Co-worker Vivian were talking about.  This thing is huge.  Amanda does say that not all of this is going to be inserted inside of me and that it is mainly to for her to use as a handle.  Amanda is a liar.  I swear she had that entire thing shoved inside of me.  And then she is showing me the different things that are viewed through the ultrasound. 

And here is why I am referring to her as an Alien.  I was probed.  And the probing took forever and was not comfortable.  It wasn’t overly painful at the time but I did feel the after affects.  At one point, she asks me about my job, what do I do, etc.  It was the oddest conversation ever or at least the oddest conversation to have with my hoo-ha propped in the air.  And, as I told her, reinforced my beliefs that sex is over-rated – it’s messy and uncomfortable.  She laughed.  I was serious.  Although I wonder if this would have been as painful if I haven’t been celibate for what?  It’s been at least 8-9 years now. 

I ended up leaving early on Wednesday to go home because of extreme pain due to cramps.  I spent close to 40 dollars on cabs.  Because there was the cab to work and then home when I missed the bus and was not going to sit around for another hour.  And the 3rd cab ended up getting sent to the bowling alley instead of my work.  Yes.  I can see how you can confuse them so easily.  The only good thing about it was the 3rd cab driver is someone I’ve had before and we have the greatest conversations about politics and religion without wanting to kill each other (he’s Conservative, I’m very, very Liberal). 

And then Thursday I left early again because I was cramping AGAIN and also started having a back spasm when Co-worker Jessica, Co-worker Rykken and Manager Cheryl  were handing out valentines.  We bought 95 cookies and Jessica filled out 95 valentines and we had to match cookies and valentines.  Which is much more complicated than you would think.  It took about an hour and finally I had to go sit down.  And then go home where I slept most of the day.

But all is good, my parts seem to be back in order.  Of course there is the trip to the OB-GYN next Thursday and also the diabetic eye exam where I get to have my eyes dilated for the first time ever.  That should be fun AND exciting.  The only good part of the day is getting to have lunch with Kari. 

I hope you all have exciting plans for the weekend.  I am going to hang with Beth and scrapbook!  I actually have developed pictures from Portugal.  I know.  It’s been over 2 years.  What can I say, I am a slacker!