Sometimes I swear that my life must be this big cosmic joke and God is sitting there laughing at the newest reality show called “The Life and Times of Dana.” Seriously.

What’s going on? How about I give you the bullet point version? Bullet points are soothing and make me feel better and less like I am whining incessantly, once again, about how craptacular my life is. And these bullet points are pink. I like pink. (Do not ask me what happened with the bullet points. They started messing with me. They are evil bullet points. EVIL!) Yes, I feel the soothing starting as we speak. Or that could be the Puffs scented with Vicks tissue that I have draped over my nose like a veil.

  • In case that last statement didn’t give it away, I am sick.
  • Yes. Again. For the 453rd time this year. I swear to God, I am sick of being sick (and if you are old, like me, any time you hear “I am sick” you hear Bill Cosby saying “and tired” as part of a joke that he did in a stand up routine where he was mouthing back to his mom. Or maybe it was Eddie Murphy. I don’t remember now).
  • I would like to blame Co-worker Rykken for infecting me but apparently the Cold Virus is a mystifying thing that cannot be transmitted in two days. Or so I have been told. My logic is that he was sick on Friday. I started coughing and sneezing on Sunday night (almost minutes after I got off the phone with Beth. Hmm. Maybe it was her. Yes. Because viruses can travel through phone lines (Did I mention that my sense of logic disappears when I’m sick? (Not that I have ever had a sense of logic))) and then threw up on Monday morning and now am this mass of pain and agony and red, scaly scale-like things on my nose.
  • Apparently Don Shelby broke ribs from coughing too hard. As you can imagine, hearing that has just made me more panicked. And less likely to want to cough. You know, because it was so much fun before some friendly person overheard me hacking up one of my lungs and thought “Hey! I’ll just add some joy to Dana’s day!”
  • Don Shelby is a member of the Channel 4 news team. You are not expected to know this unless you live in Minnesota. Or are a news junky.
  • Or is it junkie?
  • Whoever came up with adding the scent of Vicks to Puffs is a genius. It doesn’t really cure anything but it sure makes me feel less inclined to curl into a ball and cry.
  • And I am getting a cold sore. Because there wasn’t enough wrong with my face with the red scaly scale-like things.
  • Oh! And you know how I went to the OB-GYN last Thursday? Well, I have three options. I can a) get a Murina IUD, b) have something called an endometrial ablation or c) get a hysterectomy. Since the hysterectomy is more of a drastic, last ditch effort, we decided option B is probably the best way to go.
  • So I got a letter telling me about how I’d be meeting with OB-GYN Joy something or another. Until the door opened and Joy turned out to be Jory. Not that I have a problem seeing a male doctor but still, it’s amazing how big of a difference an R can make.
  • Yes. So my options all involve having something stuck up my lady parts. No avoiding that. But the ablation seems to be the best because that’s a 90 second procedure that is typically on an out-patient basis BUT because I have sleep apnea, I may need to spend the night so I should bring my CPAP and plan accordingly.
  • Guess when the only day they have open for this procedure is. Guess. Yes. On March 12th. On my vacation. On the day after my 41st birthday. Woo-hoo. Great planning there, guys.
  • But it’s a good thing because apparently the problem is that my uterine lining is thicker than it needs to be and the ablation involves lots of technical stuff that I don’t really get but will mean that, after the procedure, I will be able to walk on the beach wearing long flowing white outfits. According to the brochure for Novasure.
  • I’m just excited that maybe I won’t have to worry about gushing (blood, urine and/or clots. Yay me) every time I blow my nose or cough. Sorry, Joe. Possibly too much information. Yet again.
  • I was out sick Monday and Tuesday and have 453 monitorings to do before the end of the month. When am I going to do them? This weekend. So this means I don’t get to go and have a pre-“Scrapbooking Extravaganza” that I was planning on with Beth this weekend. I am very sad.
  • There are many other things that are irritating and annoying and also somewhat funny in a bizarre and tortured sort of way but I have to go home now so I can cough and whine to Keem about how I am dying and obviously I am dying because, instead of telling me to shut up because I am annoying, she has been very sympathetic. But there is one good thing. When I am sick, I get paranoid about germs. And how the germs are out there, waiting to get me. And then I clean. So I cleaned (partially) my room and found the battery charger for my camera that has been missing for months. So this is good. And also, Dilbert, Brevity and Get Fuzzy were incredibly amusing today. Good-bye. Stay away from me because I am sick.

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