So remember when I said that I shouldn’t be able to talk to men anymore?  I think I’ve said this many times, actually.  I’m old,” “You’re like Batman – Adam West Batman,” and I’m sure there’s many, many, many other examples.

 

Remember how I said my dentist was hot? 

 

Are you beginning to get an idea of where I’m headed here?

 

Monday I had a dentist appointment with the hot dentist.  One at 10 AM and one at 3 PM.  I had a total of 5 cavities to have filled but, because my mouth is small (a topic of great surprise to my family and friends who have been known to say on occasion “Do you ever shut up?”), it was suggested that I have two appointments.  Because I have to take a day off of work for any appointments (no bus line – well, maybe I’m being picky since I think leaving at 8:30 and arriving at work at 4:00 isn’t an option), I figured one day would be best.

 

The first appointment went fairly well except for the pain – I hate Novocain with a passion because it involves needles.  And did I take Beth’s suggestion to ask for Nitrous Oxide?  Of course not. 

 

At 3, I complained about the soreness of my jaw and they gave me a bite block thingy that held my mouth open.  I also asked and received Nitrous.  Beautiful, beautiful Nitrous Oxide.  How I love thee.

 

This is where the problem comes up.  See, I may not want to date but I am very fond of men.  I like the way they look and smell and often want to lick them on the neck.  Fortunately my Brain is usually in control and I am usually able to keep this information to myself (unless, of course, I’m watching TV with Beth or Keem and then I’ll usually comment on the cuteness of whatever man is romping around on the screen at the time (and then Keem yells at me because apparently she does not need to know that I want to bite said cute person).  But if you add Nitrous Oxide to the mix, well, the Brain talks but no one is listening.  Here is a dramatization of what happened.

 

Hot Dentist (HD):  How is the Nitrous working for you, Dana?  Remember, floaty and tingly is good – spinning and nauseous is bad.
DM:  Um, I don’t think I’m there yet.

 

A few minutes pass.  Suddenly I feel like I am being pulled under by a very gentle tidal wave.

 

DM:  Oh, yeah, there we go.

 

Suddenly I notice that HD is, well, just gosh-darned cute.  The Lust Molecules that seem to rule my body start clamoring for attention.

 

Lust Molecules:  Hey!  Hey, has anyone noticed that this guy is really cute?
Eyes:  Uh-huh!
Mouth:  That’s really not my department but I’ll be happy to tell him!
Brain:  NO!  Absolutely not!  There will be none of that.  Do you people remember anything?  Who has to deal with the consequences when you guys just blurt stuff out?  It’s not you!  It’s me and Memory!
Memory:  God.  Don’t get me started on the “You’re like Batman” crap again.  I am shaking my figurative head in disgust.
Mouth:  You know, Brain, you’re really a party pooper.  You never let us have any fun.
Tongue:  Yeah!  You and your “There will be no licking of random men” rules!
Brain:  Look, people.  I have a job to do here.  I am trying to protect Dana from making a fool out of herself.  We have enough problems with Logic deciding to go on strike every 9 out of 10 times that he’s needed.  And no one’s heard from Common Sense in decades, ever since there was the great Fish Hook fiasco.
Mouth:  I’m sorry but I don’t see how you can compare telling some guy he’s cute with sticking a fish hook into your mouth to see what it is like for your fishy brethren.  Oh my God, the pain.
Brain:  Trust me.  There’s a correlation.  That correlation is NO ONE LISTENS TO ME!
Mouth:  I am not having this conversation with you anymore.
Brain:  Don’t say it.  Don’t say it.  Don’t say it.  Don’t say…
DM:  If I say you’re cute, ignore it.  Wait.  Where did that come from?
Brain:  Nooooooooooooooooooo!
Mouth:  Hee-hee!  You’re not in control!
Dentist Assistant Person (DAP):  Dissolves into giggles.
DM:  I wasn’t going to say that.  I don’t know why I said that.
DAP:  Yeah, doc, you’re ugly.  It’s just the Nitrous talking.
DM:  Nope.  On my blog it says “New dentist equals hot!”   Oh my God.  Why am I still talking?
Brain:  Do you see?  Who gets blamed for this crap?  Me!

After the appointment, which I managed to get through without embarrassing myself further, HD walks me out so I can pay the nice man who handles the bills and stuff.

 

HD:  We’ll see you later, Dana.
DM:  I am never going to be able to look you in the eye again.

 

The nice man who handles the bills and stuff looks confused.  I can hear Hot Dentist and Dentist Assistant Person laughing in the examination room.  Deep sigh.

 

DM:  I told him he was hot under the influence of Nitrous.
Nice Man:  Bwahahahahaha!

 

This is my life, people.  Go ahead, laugh.  You know you want to.  Everyone else is doing it.

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