Why one should be careful when they read Stephen King

So Beth and I are at karaoke last night and she turns to me.

Beth:  You know how you always get sick when you read The Stand?
DM:  Yes.

 If you have never read The Stand, this may not make sense to you.  Short synopsis – The Government is conducting secret germ warfare testing and something goes wrong.  The fail safe way of making sure that the germs don’t get out fails when one soldier realizes there’s a problem and the gate doesn’t shut.  Soldier escapes and runs across country with his family.  Spreading the germs on the way.  A short time later, 99% of America’s population is dead.  Long story short (too late), there is this epic battle between good and evil (led by my fake boyfriend Randall Flagg).

Every single time I read this book, I get a cold.  And then I am absolutely convinced that the book is becoming true to life and we’re all going to die.  A little paranoid, yes, but this is also the same man that instilled in me my fear of clowns.

Beth:  I read it and the Swine Flu pandemic hit.  
DM:  Oh.  Yeah.  That’s not good at all.
Beth:  The Government keeps saying everything is okay and I’m thinking “I don’t believe you!”

In the book, there was a huge conspiracy to keep everything undercover and oh,hey, it’s just the flu.  No big deal, folks.  Which is a huge stinking lie!

Beth:  If this did happen, I wouldn’t head out to try and find other people.  If there were say 4 people left, I’d say “C’mon and hang out at my place.”
DM:  OOH!  We could scrapbook!
Beth:  We could scrapbook.
DM:  And then we’d take pictures of dead people and stuff.  Okay.  That’s just weird. 

Only Beth and I would decide to use the end of the world to our scrapbooking advantage.  A sure sign that we’re addicted.

I was talking to Co-Worker Rykken about this today and we discussed our plans about what we would do if the book became true to life.  Rykken has a plan to go and read tons of books and learn how to fix things so he’d have a good life.  He came up with this after watching “I Am Legend.”  I told him he could come hang out with Beth, Keem and I.  

DM:  We wouldn’t make you scrapbook.
Rykken:  I’d probably enjoy it for one day and then say no thanks.
DM:  We do other things.  We could watch movies and stuff.  We could have you pose for us with the dead bodies.
Rykken:  Would you make me pose the dead bodies?
DM:  Well, I’m not going to touch them.  Ew.

There’s a brief pause.

DM:  This is kind of creepy, huh?
Rykken:  Uh, yeah.
DM:  Okay, I’m going back to work now.

I just want to state for the record that I am not completely sick and disturbed.  It was just the lack of sleep and this book has been haunting me for years.

In which the Swedish people conspire against me to drive me insane

So Beth went to IKEA and bought this laptop table that is named Dave.  Keem and I really like Dave and decided we wanted him as our own as well.  So we could say “This is Dave and this is his brother Dave.”

The last time Keem and I went to IKEA, Dave was not in stock.  It was very sad.  Kari had part of last week off because Eric was in the Caribbean for his sister’s wedding.  She was taking Josh to the Mall of America for a trip to Lego Land (Or Lego World or Lego Paradise or something like that.  All I really know is that there are tons of Legos and the kid loves the place) and they would stop at IKEA.  She said she would pick up Dave for Keem and I.

Friday  night she called me to tell me she had the two Daves in her car and would be stopping over to drop them off.  YAY!

I manage to drag the Daves up to our apartment and Keem and I start putting them together.  Keem offers to put my Dave together if I pay for hers.  Looking back, you would think I would say “Sure.”  Dave was only $17 – not going to break me.

But noooooo.  Not me.  No, I have to say “I can do it.”

Flash forward.  I have managed to put together the majority of the table.  But there is this one piece that is thwarting me.  All I have to do is attach it to the bottom of the table and that’s about it.  But I cannot get it no matter how hard I try.

Twenty minutes later, I am just about in tears.  My back hurts, my head is starting to throb and my hands are shaking from the attempt to squeeze this piece together enough to get it to snap into place.

DM:  I can’t do it!  I can’t.  How did you get it to work?
Keem:  It was a little hard but not that bad.
DM:  KEEM!  Make it work!
Keem:  I offered to put Dave together for you.

I give her the pathetic puppy dog eyes.

Keem:  Oh, no.  I’m not doing it now.

There is more cursing on my end.

Keem:  Did you look at the diagram?

I glare at her.  

DM:  OF COURSE I looked at the diagram!  I’m NOT STUPID!
Keem:  Okay.  Well, I don’t know why you’re having so much trouble with it.

I glance at the diagram.  Huh.  Look at that.  

DM:  I just spent 25 minutes trying to put this damn thing in upside down.

She spends an equal amount of time laughing at me that I spent cursing the stupid table.  But Dave is put together and I love him so much more than the stupid TV tray I was using. 

The keeten is a freak

So we know Kalli is a piglet because she constantly wants to eat.  We know she’s annoying because we’re constantly telling her to shut up or stop chewing on her brother or no, it is 6 AM, you are not being fed right now or get off the counter.  We knew she was a freak because she is obsessed by ice cubes and wants to get into the freezer so she can play with said ice cubes.

What we didn’t know is that she is a) a circus animal and b) impervious to pain.

To entertain Kalli and make sure she gets some exercise, I’ve taken to tossing her dry treats for her so she has to work for them.  I’ve also managed to train her to do the meerkat pose when I say “Up” (usually only when she knows I have food.  And it takes forever).  Or, I’ll skid some treats to the end of the table where she can pop up and scrape them onto the floor.  I am assuming she is doing this to keep her hunting skills sharpened.  You never know when a bug might get into the apartment.

The other night, she is sitting by the bookshelf and she realizes there’s a treat on the coffee table that she hadn’t seen before.  Oh my GOD!  A treat!  Yay!  She throws herself at the table and does a somersault in the air.  Unfortunately, she doesn’t keep in mind what goes up must come down and the somersault is interrupted by her smashing her head and back onto the table.  Keem and I are horrified.  Is she okay?  Did she break her back or smash her head too hard?

Apparently not.  She stands up, shakes herself and is pawing the treat onto the floor.  Two seconds later, she’s begging for more.  Either she’s Wolverine’s cat and can heal quickly or the extra pounds she’s put on is working as a cushion.

So how are all you guys doing?