In 2008, I was promoted to a new job as a Quality Monitor.  Part of my new responsibilities were taking over the Electronic Library.  It was a strange, hectic time (see this search for posts that relate to the hectic).  In the past, it was something that I loved but, over the years, it became frustrating because I was constantly overwhelmed.  But yet, it was still something I enjoyed.  I had a love/hate relationship with that aspect of my job and, throughout the years, it became harder and harder to remain positive.  During the last year, I had to seriously defend the work I was doing.  I was threatened with the fact that if I didn’t get better time management skills, I’d lose that part of my job.  Even though I was doing more work than anyone else on my team, I was being penalized.  So I made the adjustments, I got better at time management and then I was doing even more work.  I’ve been stressed out, I’ve felt like a complete and total failure, and then I was finally proud of myself for getting things under control. And then everything changed.  Long story short, I’ve been preparing myself for the fact that someday I might lose this.  Something I referred to as my baby was going to be taken away from me.

Today my manager asked me to meet with her.  Going forward, I’m no longer involved with the Electronic Library except as a back up.

Part of me is completely devastated.  The other part of me is relieved and glad I don’t have to deal with something I was no longer proud to put my name on.  Part of me is waiting for the entire thing to self-destruct without me and I will laugh.

I am so very conflicted right now.