I was reading Jess Riley’s blog today and she wrote a post that has inspired me. Which is good, because I so need inspiration. Speaking of Jess Riley, I just finished reading her second book, All the Lonely People, the other day and it was fantastic. She’s really an awesome author and is being added to what I call my trifecta authors (great dialogue, amazing descriptions, and out of this world character development. There are only a few authors I’ve found that can manage this – Stephen King, Nora Roberts, Harlan Coben, and Jennifer Crusie are on that list). Anyway, her post was about how working at home leads her to talking to her dog. It’s quite funny and hits a little close to home.

As you know, I have two cats. Edmund Fitzgerald Orange (Eddy) and Kalypso Jean Grey (Kalli). They are both the light of my life and, also, the closest I’m ever going to get to having children. Which, you know, is probably a good thing since I once left Eddy in the apartment hallway overnight.

I do not work from home but I do find myself talking to them quite often.

Conversations with Eddy:

“Hi, pumpkin! Who is my pumpkin boy?”

“Bag licker! Stop it! (He loves to chew on plastic bags. No clue why)”

After hearing a thump from the kitchen: “Edmund! What are you doing? Stop licking the butter!”

“Eddy in a box!” You know, from when he jumps into a box which is what cats do.

“Eddy! Treat time! Treats! Don’t you want your treats? Oh, fine, I guess you can have them in bed.”

“No, you cannot have my pizza.”

“Edmund Fitzgerald Orange, you put that rib bone down right now! (Apparently he’s a fan of BBQ)”

“What time is it?”

“Cat, how come you never cuddle with me?” Even though he is technically my cat, the only time he comes to cuddle with me is when Kim (my roommate) is out of town.

Conversations with Kalli (or the Kitten as she is often called):

Taking her home from the vet after she’s been spayed. She’s in her cat carrier and is letting everyone know that she is not pleased about it while I’m waiting in line to pay. After one especially loud screech, I look down at her and say “Yes, yes, you’re so abused. No one loves you. Your life is so horrible.” Everyone in line started laughing and one woman said “Oh my God, that’s exactly what I say to my teenagers!”

“Kitten! Stop stealing your brother’s treats!”

“Hi, baby! Are you my little girl? Do you love the mama?”

“Stop growling! It’s just the pizza guy.” Shortly before we moved, Kalli discovered that she could growl. Now it’s her new favorite sound. She growls when the neighbors are coming home, when we’re getting delivery, when our sidewalks are being shoveled. Although it is kind of nice to have a kitten alarm clock.

“Seriously? It’s 3:30 AM! You do not need treats!”

“Kitten! Do not bite your brother!”

“Bless the kitten! (She sneezed. Yes. I’m that person.)”

“Kittens do not go into the dishwasher!” This phrase is interchangeable with refrigerator, washing machine, and “Please do not climb on the toaster!”

“Are you talking to your snow friends?” At the apartment, when she was actually a kitten, we discovered that she’s a chatterer. She chatters at snow, birds, the evil red dot from the laser pointer, and her spider friends (for some reason, our apartment building was a spider magnet. The 3rd floor laundry room windows were covered with webs and our 27th floor apartment always had two or three spiders on the windows. It was gross but also amusing watching her watch them).

“Kalli. Do not sit on your brother’s head. That is not very nice.”

“Why are you such a pain in my ass? Oh my God, shut up! You do not need treats!”

“No! Stop it! Dammit, cat! Get your tail out of the glue!” Trying to craft with a cat is quite impossible. Eddy gets fascinated by anything involving string or ribbon but Kalli wants to “help” with everything!

“No. There’s no water in the glass. Stop trying to tip it over. Oh, fine, here.” She insists on drinking out of my water glass. I let her. Because I’m that person.

And, when leaving for work in the morning, there’s this, which I’m sure makes the neighbors think we are insane. “Bye, babies! Have a good day! Make good choices!”

I love my cats. I think they help keep me sane. At least that’s what I’m telling myself.