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Last month, Beth turned 30. She had a party at her house which we referred to as the milestone party. After all, so far this year she has bought a house, graduated from college and turned 30.

I spent the weekend so we could scrapbook and we had a lot of fun. Saturday, the night of the party, Beth and her mom ran up to Target so they could buy Catch Phrase. We had some time to kill and Beth had been telling me about the game so I wanted to try it.

Have you played this game? Seriously fun. The whole point is to get people to guess your catch phrase but you can’t say the word/phrase, something that rhymes or “It starts with this letter.”

The party was low key and that was cool with us. We sat outside by the fire (her mom and Scott (her mom’s boyfriend) brought over their fire pit) and told stories and laughed. Her mom cooked so there was sloppy joes, macaroni salad, cupcakes, the best chocolate chip cookies in the history of the world (Laurie is an excellent cook).

After every one left, Beth and I sat in the living room and played Catch Phrase. I can’t remember everything but there was this one clue I gave her.

“It’s yellow and it is my favorite weed and you can make a wish.” Beth correctly guessed Dandelion.

A little bit later, Beth gave me the clue “They swim.”

I shouted out “Dandelions!”

Yeah, that so wasn’t the right thing. Beth gave me the “You are a freak” look. I told her I had actually meant tadpoles. You know because they’re so similar to dandelions. Of course I got them mixed up.

Another thing that happened that weekend was on Friday, Beth made a pot roast for Laurie and I. I was sitting by her refridgerator where she has these magnetic bars (you can hang knives on them but eventually she’s going to use them to hang pictures). Beth turns around and sees me holding one of the bars to my head.

Well, obviously I need to come up with something logical to say. She’s got the “You are a freak” look (one I am so very familiar with) on her face.

DM: I’m trying to see if my head is magnetic. It’s not.

Beth turns to her mother.

Beth: In case you were wondering, Dana’s head is not magnetic.
Laurie: I better write that down. I might forget that.

I am mocked constantly. I don’t understand.

Anyway, the whole point to this is I had fun celebrating Beth’s milestones with her and Catch Phrase is an absolutely awesome game. I think part of the fun is the odd answers people come up with.

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I want to start posting more. But lately, I seem to be at a loss for words and after reading some past posts of mine (does anyone remember alien Jesus?), I have decided that I’m not as funny as I used to be. Or I just don’t have a life anymore (damn you, Chalet for cancelling Karaoke Sundays! Damn you!). Something. Anyway, to sort of kick start my way towards NoBloPoMo (or whatever the heck it was), I thought I would vist the Flickr photostream of my past, pick some pictures I haven’t posted before and remark on them. Maybe I will find the funny again.

Today I bring you candy bars from Canada. These were purchased at the tiny truck stop/convenience store where Beth and I stopped for breakfast (mainly because we had driven for miles and it was the only place we found. And, I’d like to add, one of the best fried egg sandwiches I’ve ever had was served there). These pictures were taken on May 17th, 2006. And no, I have not yet scrapbooked them. Why? Because I’m still working on Portugal from 2005. I’m a slow scrapbooker. I admit it.

These are pre-Zoe pictures. I kind of miss this camera because it had a heck of a zoom but everything else sucked. It was too big, too bulky and did not work well with my shaky, shaky hands.

Our first picture is a marvel with its subtle subliminal hints.

Dana 3 104

Why yes, I will Eat-More, candy bar! Thanks for suggesting it!

And then we have a Kit Kat. Why, we have these at home! Canada and Minnesota aren’t too different. Viva la Kit Kat.

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Oh, wait. This is an exotic Kit Kat. There’s a new addition to it. Let’s check it out. Mmm. Peanut Butter. How different!

Dana 3 103

Except doesn’t arachnid mean spider? I’m eating butter made out of spiders? I’m seriously disturbed now.

And now for the piece de resistance – the Mirage bar!*

*Aren’t you impressed with my French? So fitting when posting about Canada.

Dana 3 099

Featuring Bubbly milk chocolate!

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If I remember correctly, the candy bars travelled back to Beth’s apartment and sat there for about a year. And then when Beth found them, I tried to eat one (can’t remember which one it was) and was seriously disgusted. Probably because the candy was stale. Not because I found any spiders.

There. A small snapshot (pun intended) of a great day where Beth and I proved once again that the smallest possible things are worth laughing over. The post from this day is located on Beth’s blog, where there are more pictures and tales of nuttiness. Including pictures of me hugging a tree.

I came in to work this morning to find that my computer profile decided to become corrupt over the weekend and suddenly I had lost all of my precious, precious computer related things. It was very sad. So, while Computer Guy Eric was working on my computer, I was sitting at Co-Worker Beau’s desk, reading my favorite magazine (Woman’s World) and then moving on to my new book (Remember Me (by Sophie Kinsella)) when Beau came in. He was a little surprised to see me but I explained that his chair was more comfortable than Co-Worker Rykken’s chair.

Beau: What’d you do to your computer?
DM: I’m not sure. My profile is corrupt or something.
Beau: I always knew you were corrupt.

What? How could he say such a thing? Was it because my Sunday was spent jet boating with a much younger man, deep sea fishing? And I was steering the boat without a real driver’s license? Could that be it? Must be.

Expect that the much younger man was 4 and the jet boat was in our imaginations.

Saturday, Beth’s mom Laurie picked me up and we got to Beth’s new house at about 2:30. Beth gave me the tour of her new house and it is terribly, terribly cute. Completely adorable. After Beth left for work, Laurie and I got started on the “fun cleaning,” putting in shelf paper in the kitchen. I know this sounds easy but it really wasn’t. Other than a lunch break (at Wong’s, quite possibly the best chicken chow mein ever, well, outside of David Fongs (which I’ve only had once but have been craving for years)), we pretty much didn’t stop (well, okay, I did take a break or two). It was interesting watching Laurie climb all over the counters and contort herself to get into the lower shelves. I wish I would have remembered to take pictures. I was in charge of cutting the shelf paper. Yeah, maybe not such a good idea because I am measuring challenged and also have a slight problem cutting (let alone walking) in a straight line. Eventually I got the hang of it. At about 9:30, Laurie and I finished the kitchen and thought about doing the linen closet. Common sense won over though and we left.

Sunday, people started arriving at around 11:00. First it was Beth’s dad Terry, Laurie and one of Beth’s employees, Jennifer. We started hauling boxes and it was soon established that I should not walk down the stairs because a) I am terrified of the stairs, b) it hurts (left knee has arthritis, right heel has foot spur) and c) walking down the stairs requires walking back up the stairs and that results in asthma outbreaks. Wow! I’m useful to have around on a move. But I was able to carry boxes to the top of the stairs at least.

A little while later, Liz and James showed up and so did Sarah, Nicole (another one of Beth’s employees) and Nicole’s 4 year old son Timmy. Then Scott, Laurie’s boyfriend, Dave, Sandy (Scott’s brother, sister-in-law) and their daughter (whose name I forgot) were there. Somehow I ended up being in charge of Timmy, distracting him so his mom could help move stuff and also keeping him out of the way.

Other than being told that Dana Marie Vittum was a silly name, Timmy and I got along fabulously. We sat in the chairs in the living room while people moved things around us, pretending we were fishing. Sarah walked by with the smart-ass comment “Fishing? Yeah? Well, keep her a way from fish hooks.”

As we were fishing, Timmy protected me from an “ark” that had bit my leg clear off. But Timmy “ixed” it. Timmy has a slight problem pronouncing the first letter of words which led to me saying “Cat food?” and being told by Sarah that he meant harpoon. Yes. Because they sound so much alike.

Timmy also caught two dolphins for me, one a baby and to which I said “I will hug him and kiss him and call him George.” The shark was put in a cage.

DM: Should we go jump the shark?
Timmy: Yes!
DM: Okay, let’s go. Vroom.
Timmy: Vroom.
DM: Yes! We jumped the shark.
Beth: Laughter.

We also saved Beth’s stuffed penguin from the sharks as well. Later, after the chairs were taken away and Timmy was following Beth around, I took him outside. We sat on the concrete outside of her apartment and were using our jet boat to travel to Colorado. I’m not sure what is in Colorado but Timmy suggested it.

DM: Should I drive?
Timmy: Yes.
DM: I don’t have a driver’s license.
Timmy: Oh. Here you go. I’ve made you one.

He hands me an imaginary license.

DM: Thank you.
Timmy: Now make me one.
DM: Okay.

I hand him an imaginary license.

Liz is climbing out of the truck.

DM: Liz! I have a driver’s license.

The look Liz gets on her face is well, stunned. The best description? Deer caught in the headlights.

Liz: Really?
DM: Yes. Timmy gave it to me.
Liz: I was wondering about that. I was worried it was from the state.

Later, Timmy and I put on our imaginary pajamas (penguins for me, Power Rangers for him. I wouldn’t normally choose penguin pajamas but who am I to argue with a small child?) and took a nap on the boat.

James: What are you doing?
DM: We’re wearing our pajamas. Mine are penguins. Timmy’s are Power Rangers.
James (To Timmy): You know I kick penguins (He pretended to kick the stuffed penguin earlier). Now I’ll have to kick her.

DM: You’re going to kick me? Gasp.
Timmy: Dump the arks on him!
DM: Okay.

Timmy hands me the shoe box he became fascinated with and asked his mom if he could take it home (it soon became the ark cage). I take the box and pretend to dump the sharks on James’ head.

DM: Look. The sharks are biting his ears.
Timmy: They’re biting his hair!

Later, at Beth’s house, I took Timmy out to the back yard after he was wandering around talking to every one. This way, since the path through Beth’s living room was ever shrinking, it would make sure that he did not get smooshed. In the back yard, he showed me his robot dog and how he was living in the box with the sharks.

Timmy almost (operative word almost) made me regret my choice to not have children. He was adorable and funny and seriously, seriously cute. I am sure he is not like this all the time. As he was leaving with his mother and after he had told me he would miss me and then came running back to hug me goodbye, I almost told Nicole that, if she ever needed a babysitter, she should call me. And then I came to my senses.

Keem wasn’t able to participate in the move because she went home to LaCrosse for the weekend. She got back into town later in the afternoon and was sitting in the back yard with Beth and myself after everyone else went home (this was an amazingly quick move. But Beth had a huge amount of people helping her (and taking my share of the load. Although I was able to do more than when she moved into her apartment. Then I got to hold the door because I started up with the heat stroke again. I am a wimp)).

Beth: I bought a new wireless router. The guy said the difference was that it was stronger and then I could sit in the back yard and be online.

Keem: I could also sit out here with you on my laptop.
DM: I don’t have a laptop.
Beth and Keem (this was back and forth and I don’t remember who said what): We could get her a piece of cardboard. And draw a keyboard on it with qwerty. And then she could pretend she was typing.

DM: Uh, yeah, I think I’d read instead. Thanks.

For whatever reason, the top of my right foot decided to start cramping. Beth suggested I get up and walk around and I did. For awhile I was fascinated by the two squirrels that were chasing each other around one of her non-pine trees and then leaping to the pine tree. And there were also birds that I was watching. Eventually, though, I decided to head back to sit with Beth and Keem. It is then that I saw it.

I’m kind of allergic to pine. Because there’s mold on pine. So you would think that when I saw the really cool pinecone that wasn’t really a pinecone but looked like a pinecone thing on the tree that I would just say “Oh, cool” and walk away. Nope. Not this girl.

I pull the branch down to look at the above mentioned pineconey thing. A strange green substance, almost like smoke, comes drifting down towards my face.

DM: Cool!
Keem: That’s pinecone pollen. The tree is germinating. That’s how it does it.

Keem knows everything.

DM: Weird.
Beth and Keem: Do it again.
DM: Okay.

I do. More green smoke-like stuff drifts down on my face, I inhale it. You know, because I’m brilliant.

Keem: Um, Dana, I just thought about this. You’re allergic to pine.
DM: Oh, crap.

By the time we left Beth’s, I was starting to get a headache. By the time we got home, I was starting to wheeze. I popped two Benadryls and then was supposed to get in the shower but was reading my new book (my previous new book (Queen of Babble in the Big City by Meg Cabot)).

Keem: Dana! Stop reading and get in the shower!
DM: I am.

15 minutes later.

Keem: Dana!
DM: Okay.

I was still wheezing a little bit this morning but nothing major. At least I didn’t break into hives or throw up or anything like that.

And my computer is fixed (well, obviously since I have sent this via email). Once my computer was fixed, I was able to start working (most relaxing Monday morning ever since it took until after 10 for it to be fixed. An hour and half of reading. Woo-hoo!).

Hope you all had a great weekend!

2008 is here. I’m not sure how I feel about this. It just seems so odd. Back in 1985, when I was graduating from high school, I vaguely remember thinking that we’d have rocket cars by now. There are no rocket cars. But, hey, even if there were, it’s not like I could drive one.

Beth and I went to a party James threw. It was…interesting. By interesting I mean that Beth and I stood around and hoped someone would talk to us. It is somewhat disheartening to realize that the “cool kids” you are nervous around are actually a bunch of comic book geeks. I managed to exchange entire sentences with Tony, the coolest of the cool kids, by mentioning the Flash logo on his shirt. I mentioned meeting the perfect guy for me until he dissed Captain Kirk. Tony then started talking about Boston Legal which I have never seen, even though I do love William Shatner. After he wandered off, I turned to Beth.

DM: I talked to Tony.
B: You did. I’m impressed.
DM: At least I didn’t tell him I enjoyed William Shatner’s singing.
B: Yes. I’m proud of you for that.

We left at about 12:25, after watching Dick Clark count down the New Year. Of all people to share this with, did he have to choose Ryan Seacrest? The man annoys me. I think it’s his hair. Or maybe the fact that he’s a no-talent smarmy jerk. One or the other.

Beth and I headed back to my place and spent the next two hours playing “Ask the iPod.”
Apparently I am going to get drunk sometime in August and have sex with Stubes.* Multiple times. Um, what? I don’t think so, iPod! Beth has been informed that I am NOT to be drinking during August through November. Although it could be worse. It could be Scottish Craig.

*Stubes is not that annoying, he’s actually a nice guy when he’s not trying to be funny but I am not attracted to him at all.

As for my health, well, I’m pretty sure I have strep. I woke up today and my throat hurts more than it has the entire time I’ve been sick. If I blow my nose, it hurts. If I yawn, it hurts. So, as you can imagine, trying to eat or drink anything has been Super Fun! I’ll be going to the Minute Clinic tonight. I’d go see Deb but I really don’t feel like spending a $30 co-pay on a throat culture.

Oh, well, off to work. Yay! The excitement never ceases!

Last weekend wasn’t overly exciting. Keem and I did make a trip to JoAnn’s where I bought some scrapbooking paper and other crafty things. We were going to do laundry but both of us hate doing laundry and will usually put it off until the very last minute. Because, you know, if you hate doing something, you should just wait until you have a ton of it to do. That makes sense.

Sunday Beth picked me up and we tried to decide what we were going to do. Beth called James and he said he would call us if he and Liz decided they were going to go out. Meanwhile, Beth drove around and we talked. We decided to head to her apartment and scrapbook.

However, once we got there, the plans changed a little bit. Beth was drawn to an area in her apartment. An area so filled with trepidation and danger that I was a bit frightened. Yes, it was the card table and on the card table was a gigantic puzzle that Beth had been working on for awhile. She had made a lot of progress since I had been over the weekend before.

Unable to help herself, Beth took to moving the puzzle pieces around while I decided to go scrapbook. And that’s when things got a little weird.

Beth: I found a piece.
DM: That’s good.

Later.

Beth: Do you know how many pieces I’ve found since my last puzzle update?
DM: No.
Beth: One. One piece.

Later.

Beth: That’s it. I’ve had it. Pieces, you will arrange yourself. I’m closing my eyes.

I look over. She has her eyes scrunched shut similar to Hiro on Heroes when he is trying to teleport.

DM: If the pieces start flying around in the air, I am going to be really freaked out.
Beth: I am opening my eyes.

The pieces, oddly enough, resisted Beth’s exhortions and just laid there on the table.

Beth: Damn you!

The rest of the night was filled with laughter and many puzzle updates. I believe there may have been a total of 15. There was also the occasional curse.

Beth: So what did you do Sunday night? I worked on a puzzle. Wow.
DM: We have such exciting lives.

Disclaimer: This took place last Sunday and I have a hard enough time remembering what people said 5 minutes ago. I may not have quoted us properly. Sorry about that.

And you know, somehow this post is not as exciting as I thought it was going to be. Maybe you had to be there but the frustration in Beth’s voice was hilarious. You know what else is hilarious? The fact that she organizes her puzzles pieces in little stacks based on color. Instead of just leaving them scatter all about the place like I do. Although that might explain why she actually finished the puzzle and I have yet to finish more than the border of one. Hmm. I may have to try this stacking thing.

You still have an opportunity to hit me up for a present this Holiday season.

Oh, Udge is doing this and I am all about peer pressure and giving things to people so
the first five commenters to sign up for the meme here and post the same promise on their blogs will receive a small present-like thing from me. It will help jumpstart the holiday spirit for me. You will have to provide me with your real name and address but please keep in mind that I don’t drive and so probably would not be able to stalk you. Unless I am able to convince the Greyhound bus driver to circle around your house obsessively. I think that’s unlikely. I have
no idea what the small present-like thing will be but I must warn you, there is the chance you could receive a monkey sitting in a chair. I can be very strange. Just ask Beth.

Leave me a comment. And you know, I think I’m okay if you’ve already done this with someone else. I like to give presents.

Oh, and if you are wondering just exactly a monkey sitting in a chair looks like, click here. I maintain that it was a highly creative, non-boring gift. Beth maintains that I obviously go shopping while indulging in lots and lots of crack.*

*Beth has never said this. I like to exaggerate. I know you are all shocked at this.

Can’t come up with a creative title. This is very sad. I tried to find other creative church signs to use as a title but I kept running into the church sign generator which, while funny, is not what I was looking for.

Day 2 of NoBloPoMo. And the continuation of my weekend o’scrapbooking. I sense your excitement.

Sunday Beth and I went to her Dad’s house for dinner. We enjoyed pizza and cheesecake (her’s was topped with a birthday candle). We also watched several episodes of Law & Order and CSI:.

DM (about some guy (McCoy?) on Law & Order): That guy has very unfortunate eyebrows (they were horrible! They were almost squarish).

After this we met up with Dean and James at Brady’s.

DM: I don’t think I’ve ever been to Brady’s.
Beth (laughing): Yes, you have.
DM: Oh. Is that where…?
Beth: Yep.
DM: Maybe I’ll have to fake another asthma attack*.

*Background – back a long time ago, Beth and I ended up at Brady’s to meet this guy that she really, really liked. Instead, we found Pete, his annoying friend. Pete makes no mention of the fact that THE BOY had to work early the next morning. He does proceed to hit on Beth all night. Because I hate to see my friend suffer, I decided to fake an asthma attack. Details are here. I still think I should win an Oscar for that performance.

Apparently the boy is there (In case you’re wondering, he has been demoted in Beth’s affections and that is why the font of his fake name has changed. They never did end up going out and Beth realized that he really wasn’t the right guy for her). I do not notice him. I do see Pete later on in the evening and manage to avoid eye contact.

Dean and James arrive (do not refer to them as James and Dean. They hate that) and we spend some time talking about stuff, the usual stuff we always talk about. Which means everything and anything. There is also time spent by my telling James that I did not like him and especially do not like him (I wanted to say “the fact that you are scruffy and that makes me want to bite you” but refrained). I’m not sure why I was mad at him but it’s James and he can be so irritating at times. It was probably when he got upset at me for saying that I thought Halle Berry was a good actress. Beth and Dean decided to hightail it for the bathroom then. This is the problem of being friends with a man who takes movies so seriously. He often gets upset over what I deem a good movie. We occasionally agree but a lot of time is spent with me saying “Oh, I liked that movie” and him saying such things as “No, you did not” or “Really? Really? You did not say that” or “Perhaps you should never talk again.”

Dean brings up the fact that he doesn’t like scary movies and I mentioned that I was frightened by Scary Movie 3. Dean and James are highly amused by this. Beth is already aware of it. We tell them about the time we went to Vegas and stayed at the Luxor and watched this movie. And then I had nightmares. And then, the next morning, there was this scary, scraping noise on the windows.

DM: And it was awful! There was this scraping and then this filmy shadow and I was afraid of opening the window, especially because there was sunlight out there!
James: Why would you be afraid of opening the window?
DM: Because I was worried Beth would burst into flames.
Dean: Hahahahaha! Give me some.

He makes me do that weird bumps thing that I’ve never really understood.

DM: The only reason I know that Beth is not a vampire is because she eats garlic*.

*Well, I’ve never actually see her drain the blood of a human either but you never know…she was enthusiastic about seeing what her blood sugar level was this weekend. And couldn’t believe that it took me forever to get up the nerve to poke myself.

We got to spend quality time in “the kennel.” Since stupid people decided that smoking was bad and you can’t do it indoors anymore, all smoking has to be outside. Dean and Beth were willing to join James and I outside so we could infect them with second hand smoke. They’re cool like that. Brady’s has rigged up this dog cage with heat lamps. It’s actually kind of cool looking and it is comfortable, there are tables and chairs outside (of course they are metal so I imagine this will get pretty cold in a month or so). You can still smoke at casinos but that really could have a negative impact on my wallet so don’t think that’s going to be an option.

Monday, we went back to Beth’s mom’s house where we ate the best sloppy joes ever and watched Heroes. Finally Hiro kissed what’s her name. About time.

While watching, Mohinder’s boss came on the screen. Bob is kind of a schlumpy guy with a receding hairline.

DM: Unfortunately sometimes evil is not hot.
Beth: True.
DM (to Beth’s mom who is looking perplexed): I have a thing for bad guys. Usually they’re the most attractive*.

*Case in point – Sam Rockwell in Charlie’s Angels. When he was the nice, kind of nerdy computer guy, I had absolutely no interest in him. The minute it was revealed that he was the evil mastermind and did that hot little spin while wearing the sunglasses, I was totally intrigued.

Afterwards, Beth drove me home and I tried to sneak into the apartment but Eddy made that very difficult with his trying to climb into the IKEA bag and my suitcase. Keem was not pleased to be woken up.

And that is it. The excitement of my weekend. I know you are all totally thrilled by this.

This is from a church sign Beth and I saw. A church sign. How awesome is that?

Today is day 1 of NaBloPoMo. Mainly what this means is that I am insane and decided to post every day this month. Every single day. Yes, I gave into peer pressure. Okay, no one actually pressured me but there were shiny banners and I succumbed to temptation.

Anyway, my weekend was awesome. I use the word awesome a lot. You may notice this. Do you know why that is? Because I grew up during the eighties and adore Barney on How I Met Your Mother. He uses the word awesome often. He also refers to things as being legendary but I’m trying to resist that one. Beth picks up mannerisms from our friends. I quote television. Sometimes I quote television shows that haven’t been on for years. Such as Star Trek: TNG. It’s very sad.

Beth picked me up Friday and we went to Minneapolis to the Best! Restaurant! Ever! I did have the Bludgeon of Beef. I also stole from the restaurant. I am so ashamed. For some reason I decided that I absolutely had to have the mini Coke and Diet Coke bottle that Beth and my refreshing beverages were served in. I am using them as small vases for my fake Gerbera daisies. They are quite cute, actually.

Beth (and Liz at one point (as I am sneaking the empty bottle into my purse)): Dana, I’m pretty sure you don’t have to steal them. I’m sure they just recycle them.
DM: It’s more fun this way.

I may not have actually said that but I was thinking it. And yes, I am a dork.

After Manny’s, we went over to Beth’s mom’s house for a little while. Neither Beth or I are quite sure why but we did get to pet the dogs and cats and chat with her mom. Then it was off to Beth’s for the begin of the exciting weekend o’scrapbooking.

Some notes about scrapbooking, for those of you not in the know. What you do is you take pictures and then apply them to albums. But not photo albums because those will ruin your pictures. No, you apply them to special albums which are archival safe. And you also can use stickers and embellishments and lots of other cool stuff to make your pictures look awesome and tell a story.

Do you know what the most important part of scrapbooking is? The pictures. And yet, I do not have any developed. I’m working on my Portugal album (note that I went to Portugal in 2005 and it is now 2007. Almost 2008). Not having pictures makes this a little difficult. But I did make some pages. They’re pretty cool looking. They would probably look better with pictures.

Saturday Beth and I decided that we needed to go through a rite of passage that every one must experience at least once in their life. We went to IKEA. Beth needed frames (because she develops her pictures) and I had heard of the wonders of IKEA from Keem so we journeyed to Bloomington or wherever the Mall of America is located.

IKEA is roughly the same size of a small air terminal. And it is filled with stuff. Glorious stuff. Inexpensive stuff. Stuff as far as the eyes can see. This was probably the most fun I have ever had in a store in a long time (I worked 10 years in retail. In a mall. At Christmas time. I don’t really like shopping that much. It stems with that whole not really liking people. Shopping is great but unfortunately you have to share the store with other people. That’s annoying). We’re not really sure how long we were there. It was sunny when we went in and dark when we left. They have these really cool shopping carts that have wheels that spin in all directions so the cart smoothly turns the way you want it to go, instead of locking its wheels and laughing as you try to push it along. It almost felt like I was dancing.

Later on, of course, when Beth and I were in IKEA overload and laughing at the silliest things, we began to feel that we were drunk. The cart helped to encourage that thought. When you find yourself spinning around in circles in the middle of a store, there is probably some sort of drug involved. Maybe they put something in the Swedish meatballs.

Eventually we found the sign for the checkout and headed that way, only to be confronted by a gigantic warehouse. And, fortunately, a bench.

Beth: How long are we going to sit here?
DM: Until my feet stop hurting. So maybe next year.

I bought several frames and a lamp and some other stuff. Beth also bought stuff. Stuff is good.

More on my exciting weekend tomorrow! I know you can hardly wait!

What I wouldn’t give for a huge, hulking, gigantic man who could squash Craig like the little bug that he is. I could see it now.

Craig: Hi, kids. Can I sit with you?*
HHGM: No. My woman don’t like being called kid. You go now. Or HHGM stomp face.
DM: Oh, HHGM, you’re so wonderful.

I’m not really sure why I can’t fantasize about a HHGM who is also intelligent but hey, at least he’s not Craig.

*Actually karaoke is no more on Sundays so you’d think we’d not run into Craig but he seems to be stalking Beth. He has shown up at Fridleykins 3 times. My theory is that he has a GPS tracker on her car.

So my weekend was excellent, actually. Saturday I went shopping with Keem. We went to Catherine’s and I bought clothes (yay!). Bath and Body Works where I spent way too much money on hand soap (okay, I bought other things like lip gloss but that is not the point). Joann’s where I bought a laminating machine because I have now decided to make bookmarks. Said bookmarks are collage like and are fashioned from magazines. My favorite one so far is the one I made of this girl from a Physician’s Formula add where she is hiding her face behind a book because she apparently has broken out. The bookmark now says “Investigate the world. Provide the imagination. Renew your sense of discovery. You. A true story.” Would you like a bookmark? I will make you one. Just email me at greenduckiesgirl AT comcast DOT net with your address and the three words you would use to describe yourself and I will come up with a nifty new bookmark just for you! Disclaimer – those three words will probably not end up on your bookmark but it will give me an idea of what would be perfect for you.

I showed Co-worker Eric the bookmarks I had made so far and he said I have weird hobbies and wanted to know just how many books I read at a time.

Co-worker Eric has been amused by me this morning. So far I have sliced my thumb on my scissors while cleaning it (do not clean your scissors by running your thumb down it. It doesn’t work. Oh. And Purel hurts when it gets into your cut (because you’re using the Purel to clean the scissors because it is pure alcohol and will remove the stickiness from the laminator). Just so you know) and sung different songs because they are stuck in my head.

Here’s a sampling…

Islands in the stream. That is what we are. Nowhere inbetween. Blah blah blah. Sail away with me.

Co-worker Eric: Hahahaha. This is gold.

I have also managed to get Sweet City Woman stuck in Keem’s head by email (we heard it on Thursday on the way home). She is somewhat annoyed with me. On Saturday, as I was waiting for her to finish purchasing the clothing, I was sitting in a chair and doing a little dance to the song. I was not singing it out loud but apparently she knew what it was because of the dance. Co-worker Eric said it sounds like a dangerous game and he could see us in a gladiator arena with microphones and ukeleles.

Another Co-worker Eric quote.

Co-worker Eric: I blame you for the queue blowing up.
DM: I didn’t do it! You did it!
CWE: No. No, I did not. I said “Can you believe it.” So I could have been talking about the queue. But the queue didn’t know that.
DM: I am so quoting you.

You can never ever say “Hey, there aren’t any calls holding” around here. Because if you do, the queue Gods will become angry and smite us with calls. He said “Can you believe it” when there were no calls holding and I said “Don’t say it!” because I was in fear of the queue Gods. But then I said “Yeah, this is pretty amazing for a Monday.” So it probably is my fault that we’re now at 22 calls holding. Not that I care because I am on the help desk until 3 PM today. Hee hee.

Oh. I was talking about my weekend, wasn’t I? Beth and I played pool last night. It was fun. I won 3 games by default (she scratched on the 8/9 ball depending on the game that we were playing) and won an actual game by sinking the 9 ball. There may have been a happy dance. And then we went to Fridleykins and drove through the parking lot and convinced ourselves to leave because we didn’t want to take the chance of seeing Craig and then we said why are we leaving, this is Beth’s Perkins and dammit, it’s the best Perkins ever, how dare he drive us away? And then we were happy because he wasn’t there.

Guess what. He showed up about a half hour later. He either has a GPS tracking system on her car or there’s a curse on his name and when you say it, he shows up. Why no, I’ve never ever read a Harry Potter book. What do you mean?

Anyway, as you may or may not know, sometimes when I get annoyed, I like to pick up forks and make vague stabbing motions. I did this last night but a quote from a movie ran through my mind.

DM: Why a spoon, cousin?
Beth (laughs because she knows exactly what I am thinking): Because it’ll hurt more. I can’t believe I got that. I’m not even sure what movie that’s from.
DM: Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. Unlike Robin Hood, Men in Tights “Where, unlike other Robin Hoods, I speak with an English accent.” I watch too many movies.

Later…

Some odd song has come on the radio. Apparently the music for the evening is Top 40. Now, back in my day, Top 40 was actually fairly decent. But these songs now play on the Oldies Station (which is so depressing) and instead we were stuck with songs that were written by whiny, annoying people who have lost their love (probably because they were whiny and annoying) or people on crack.

Some song comes on that is about feet or losing the love of your life or, quite possibly, a gay man’s house (I’m pretty sure that’s not the lyric but I have blocked the rest of the song from my mind so I can’t look it up).

DM: Who writes this crap? I could do this.
Beth: You should.
DM: Of course, the only song that I’ve ever written was about “grind you out like a cigarette” and “unlike my cigarettes, you gave me cancer of the soul.”
Beth: Okay.
DM: I should give my poems to John and have them set them to music.
Beth: John?
DM: Or Bryan. Bryan would work.
Beth: John?
DM: Your John.*
Beth: Oh! I was trying to figure out what John you know that is musical.

*Her totally awesome employee who calls her and leaves voicemails for her that consist of him playing Stairway to Heaven or Paint it Black and other songs. The man is amazing. I’ve never actually met him but he’s amazing.

Later again…

Craig is leaving.

Craig: Beth, I just wanted to let you know that when you said “Who writes this crap?”, that was great.
Beth: I didn’t say it.
DM: That was me (I did not add bonehead. I was thinking it but I didn’t say it).
Craig: Oh. Well, it was communely funny.
Beth: Uh-huh.
DM: Yeah.
John (Craig’s friend who is only easy to deal with because you can talk about boys with him. Anything else and he is a whiny, obnoxious, annoying man who is always complaining about working in a convenience store and the dregs of society that he runs into): I got accused of stealing change.
DM: What? That’s stupid. Why would you steal change?
John: Blah, blah, blah, the world is out to get me, blah, blah, I am truly annoying, blah.
DM: Uh-huh. See you.

Beth and I then spent the rest of our time at Perkins bemoaning the fact that Craig and John have taken our wonderful home away from home (well, more Beth’s because I don’t get out there that often) and seem to have invaded it and why, why, why is he stalking her and his last name is what you do when you’re bored (Yawn (it’s hopefully spelled differently than that but hey, it is true. You yawn when you’re bored and you’re usually bored when he is around)) and my God, could he be anymore annoying? And then we stopped talking about him and continued playing Liverpool Rummy which is either the coolest game in the world or the most annoying, depending on if you are stuck with a set of 6 8’s and need a run of 6 and a set of 3.

So it was a good weekend. Next weekend Beth and I are going to Wisconsin because they’re having an inpromtu family reunion and I am tagging along for the ride (and the steaks and garblic bread). It’ll be fun. Hope you had a good weekend as well.

Oh, and I have to add this because of Joe. He posted it and this guy is seriously going to be my next boyfriend. I was laughing so hard watching this. Anyone who would film this video of himself is obviously the perfect guy for me.

Ask the iPod was right! My future love IS in New York.

From “Overheard in New York”

Suit: Do you have any headache medication?
Production assistant pulling random stuff out of pockets: Yeah, sure. Do you have a headache?
Suit: No, but I might later… Oooh! Band-Aids!

How can you not love a man like this? I think I may have found my future husband. He’s planning ahead which means that he is probably logical (and let’s face it, if I am ever going to marry, it should be a logical person) BUT he also appreciates the fun that is Band-Aids and would understand my ability to be distracted by all that is bright and/or shiny (or, you know, plastic with some gauze). This indicates that he would probably be fun enough so I wouldn’t end up killing him, which I’m sure you all realize is the foundation of a successful marriage.

****

Do not panic. I’m okay. Really.

I’ve been forgetting to take my Effexor lately. I don’t know why. I put it in the medicine cabinet. It’s right next to the Seraquel. It’s not invisible. But I don’t remember to take it. I don’t forget the Seraquel, of course, if I don’t take that I can’t sleep for hours and then I have these horrible images that flash through my head (oh, such as faces melting and blood and random torn off limbs and evil witch like creatures that cackle at me (Yes, I’m a ton of fun at parties). You would think I would look and say “Oh. Look. Here is my Effexor. I should probably take it.” But I don’t. You would think that I would realize how important it is because I can tell when I’m starting to mess up my dosage. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m exhausted all the time. I don’t want to do anything except sleep and read and eat (because no, I can’t be one of those people that doesn’t eat when they’re depressed (although I do a pretty good job of not eating when I’m depressed, I am not so good at saying “Hey, Dana. You have just devoured a full portion of food. STOP eating now!”). I know everything will be okay; I just have to get into the habit of taking my pills again. Oh, and my iron pills. Because maybe one of the reasons I’ve been feeling so dizzy and weak lately is because I’m somewhat anemic and I’m supposed to take the damn pills. And I should take vitamins. I have vitamins. Somewhere. It’s kind of like the ginkgo bilboa I bought to help with my memory. I just forgot to take them.

Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I know what the problem is and I know how to solve it. I’m not finding myself staring out windows and wanting to jump which is a good thing, considering I’m on the 27th floor.

****

Okay. Back to the funny portion of my post (aka: where I ramble about signs and commercials and never actually make a point (and quite possibly scare you all)).

Today on the ride in, I was listening to the radio. Part of my lovable charm is my irritation with certain signs or commercials. I’m not sure exactly what it is but there are some things that just set me off. For example, Beth has been witness to my irrational hatred of a business next to her apartment. For some reason, the idea of a graphic arts business named “Let’s Get Graphic!” just irritates the heck out of me. Beth has asked me why. I don’t know what it is. It’s just wrong. That’s all I know (she was telling her Dad about this and his response was “I think she may be the weirdest person you know. Oh, wait, you hung out at that pool hall for awhile”). I know it doesn’t make any sense. I know that the name tells you what they do. But still it makes me so irritated.

DM: Let’s get graphic. I’ll get graphic! I hate your stupid name!
B: Why? Why do you hate them so much?
DM (after struggling to formulate the perfect answer that will reveal all and cause the sky to open and a group of angels sing “Hallelujah” while the world suddenly corrects all of its problems): Because!

Yes. Because. That’s a great reason, isn’t it?

Last Sunday or the Sunday before, John observed me drawing on a piece of paper. When I am bored (or, in this case, not bored but annoyed with both him and Craig because Beth and I have so much fun at karaoke by either scrapbooking (well, drawing layouts, actually) or playing Trivial Pursuit (not easy to do when they are there because they act as if they know everything and can get pretty condescending and not understand that half of the fun of Trivial Pursuit is the incredibly wrong answers. Rat bastards) and can’t think of anything to write (or, in this case, can’t write what I want to write which is something along the lines of “Oh for the love of God, can you please go away? Please? Craig. Under no circumstances is Beth ever going to find you attractive. You repulse her. And you wear too much cologne. And your accent is so very fake and not at all sexy. Desmond from LOST has a sexy Scottish accent. You do not. Also, Desmond doesn’t just have a sexy Scottish accent. He is also tall and pretty to look at. You are not. And John, while you are less annoying than Craig because we can talk about boys with you, you are one of the most cynical people I know. And yes, I can be pretty cynical myself (we discovered that we share the same favorite poster from Despair.com) but damn it, there is only so much I can take of your constant bitching about how the world is out to get you and yet another person called you racist because you wouldn’t sell them beer on Sunday (which, hello, stupid people, against the law!) and whatever your complaint du Jour is)…you know, I’m going to start this sentence over.

When I am bored or can’t think of anything to write, I will find myself doodling. My doodling pretty much consists of drawing a box. I then divide the box into sections and then fill in the sections in an alternating manner. Nothing major. I just like it. It relaxes me and keeps me from stabbing people with forks (not that I’ve ever actually stabbed someone with a fork. I just make vague stabbing motions and then Beth or Keem take the fork away from me). Anyway, John was somewhat fascinated with my need to make sure that there was a proper balance of filled in and blank sections. Apparently this makes me somewhat OCD. Since John doesn’t know me that well, he has no clue that I am quite possibly the most extreme opposite of OCD – I would be, as I mentioned earlier, an example of someone who suffers from bright, shiny object syndrome. In other words, I get distracted easily; I’m somewhat hyper & have the attention span of a gnat.

John: Oh my God. You should marry James and have neurotic babies.

Later, when Beth was driving me home, we had the following conversation (of course, I also don’t remember things well so who knows if this is even close).

DM: I’d think that if James and I had babies, we’d have a chance of having a somewhat normal baby. I’m not neurotic.
B (she may have laughed hysterically at this point): If you and James had babies, you’d end up with a kid who feared all condiments or was obsessed with mustard*, lettuce & would yell at random business signs (there was probably more. I so need to start recording our conversations).
DM: But “Let’s Get Graphic” is so stupid!

*Just because I refuse to live in a mustard free household & think the Mustard Museum in Mount Horeb is quite possibly the coolest place ever & suddenly I’m obsessed? Sheesh (although Beth may not have been the one that said I was obsessed. It might have been me. Who knows? Again, reason why I need to start taping conversations).

There was also the series of commercials perpetrated on society by a local grocery store. Not only did they have these really annoying radio commercials where they did this sort of beatnik jazzy number about all the things you can get at Rainbow (including a freaking headache from their commercials) but they also decided “Hey, let’s take a bunch of different foods and dress them up like little people. That will be fun.” No. No, stupid ad people, this is not fun. It is stupid and wrong. Because not only does it cause me to go into a five minute tirade about the French Bread wearing little berets and then looking very phallic, it also means that you’re going to present us with a carrot wearing a little dress and earrings and a necklace made out of peas. Peas. So not only is Rainbow saying “Hey, it’s really cool to dress up food like people, it’s also okay to cannibalize other vegetables for jewelry.” This would be like me saying “Hey, I really like so-and-so’s face. Maybe I’ll make a necklace out of it.” Which would result in me being arrested, rightfully so. Shouldn’t the carrot lady be arrested?

Okay, anyway, the whole point to this was that I was listening to this commercial on the radio today which consists of some loud, obnoxious guy trying to say the tagline but failing miserably. And the guy who is supposedly the man in the sound booth keeps saying “Oh, just say this in a relaxed tone.” So you hear, over and over and over, “Corona Light. It’s the only light beer that’s also a Corona.”

DM: That is so stupid. Obviously it’s the only light beer that’s a Corona because the name is Corona Light!
Keem: Can you think of a better tagline for Corona Light?
DM: Yes. Beer sucks. Don’t drink it.
Keem: And again I ask, can you think of a better tagline for Corona Light?
DM: Yeah, I’m blogging this.

****

Next to come? A post in which I write about how I, as a non-driver, do not need to worry about being overcome by road rage. However, I apparently suffer from karaoke rage. Or, you know, I should just take my damn pills already.

****

Apparently my blog is rated G. There are no bad words on it. Anywhere. Obviously I’m not as hardcore as I thought.

Online Dating

Mingle2Online Dating

Last Thursday, Beth, James and I are exchanging cell phone numbers (because, oops, forgot to share. I am a bad friend).

James: Ready?
DM: No. Give me a second. Okay.
James: (612)
DM: Yeah.
James: 867
DM: Uh-huh.
James: 5309.
DM: That is NOT your phone number. Asshole.
James: Dissolves into hysterical laughter.

Am I a bad person because the advertisement for the magazine Positive Thinking in my mail box made me roll my eyes and say “Oh, please”? I have come to the decision that I might be a tad cynical. And it is very hard to explain to Beth and Keem that, while I don’t like people, it doesn’t mean that I don’t like them (Beth’s response to “you’re not people” was “Oh, great. I’m an alien”). I think it is that I don’t like people in groups. Such as the bar. If it was up to me, only select people would be allowed. Scottish Craig is not one of them. I ask you, if you have a sunken chest, why do you try to show it off by wearing tight t-shirts? And who the hell shows up wearing a flak jacket and a tan bandana? Is he Rambo? Is he the Scottish Army (of one)? Is he just an annoying, annoying man who I want to dress up in a deer costume and dump him in the woods on the first day of deer hunting?* Or am I a bitch? It could be both, I guess.

*This is because he has a tattoo that is a deer through a gun sight. I think it would be a fitting punishment. As Beth said “It could be Bambi’s Dad. Or Bambi. Thumper couldn’t save him.” Do not get me started on Disney movies which make me cry. Poor Bambi’s Dad. Poor Tod’s Mom. Stupid Disney. Nobody’s family could actually stay together, could they? No, we have to have everyone die. There’s a reason Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie. Her parents don’t die, they just go to sleep. And yeah, there’s this really scary dragon but Maleficent is my favorite Disney villian so I’m okay with that.

You will be happy to know that Co-Worker Eric asked his girlfriend Crystal to marry him and she said yes. Co-Worker Eric is actually quite bouncy and chirpy (Which may be my way of saying chipper and perky) today and it is quite pleasant to see. See! I can be positive! I’m not always negative.

I decided to apply for another job today at NABABNA. It is working more directly with different stock companies and helping them and the people they refer to us. I think I would enjoy it, there is admin work involved and I love stuff like that. I don’t know if I’ll get the position but it would certainly solve the problem of Keem and I applying for the same job. Wish me luck.

Anyway, Beth, Keem and I went to the Como Park Conservatory on Friday and then Beth and I went to Minnehaha Falls on Sunday. Here are some of my favorite pictures. And yes, I am a big fan of the saturate button. What’s your point?

Lillies

These are lillies. I like them.

Bench

I don’t know why I like taking pictures of benches when they are empty. I think it is because they look like they are waiting for someone to come spend time with them. I think one of my favorite scenes in Notting Hill is Hugh Grant reading with a pregnant Julia Roberts lying with her head in his lap on the bench. I think the bench was happy to have them there. Is that weird? That’s probably weird.

Sign

There were no actual poisonous frogs at the zoo. I was disappointed.

The miniature killer is ZEN?  Oh my God!

Look. The miniature killer is Japanese.

Flamingo Flowers

Flamingo flowers. I like flamingos. They are pink.

Fountain

This is a completely awesome picture. I love, love, love Zoe and her ability to capture a moment like this (Zoe is my camera’s name. I do believe I already said I was weird, right?), where the water is frozen in time.

Flamingos

Flamingos. They are walking. Birds do that. AND! They are pink.

Mac plays Trivial Pursuit

When taking pictures inside, it is important to switch the camera mode from landscape to portrait. Or the picture of your former cat will look somewhat yellowish. Bet you wish you had a cat that plays Trivial Pursuit, don’t you?

Owl in the road

On our way to Minnehaha Falls, we drove by an owl in the road. Coolness.

Minnehaha Falls

I love water. I especially love waterfalls. And lakes. And oceans. And, well, rivers. Um, yeah, I love water. Anyway, this is at Minnehaha Falls.

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