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And other odd things I’ve done lately.  With bullet points!

  • I have a strange fascination for hair.
  • If someone has their hair in a ponytail, I have a tendency to bat at it.
  • Most of my co-workers are used to this.
  • But I may have frightened one of them today.

DM:  Your hair is pretty.

Pokes at shiny barrette.

DM:  And you have a shiny thing in it.
Co-worker:  Oh-kay.

  • Yesterday Christy was wearing these dangling, shiny earrings and was standing at my desk, asking me a question.  Out of the corner of her eye, she can see my hand reaching towards her.

Christy:  What are you doing?

Instead of responding like a normal person, I start batting at the earring.

DM:  Pretty.

  • Keem typically had to tell me to stop playing with the air freshener in the car. 
  • I stopped doing that because I don’t care for the dolphin air freshener, it doesn’t bat very well.
  • I like to see how far I can get with annoying Keem before she snaps.  Sometimes she’s fine with it and then other times, she has the “You.  Shut up NOW” look and I know it is not worth it to continue.
  • Yesterday we were at Target and found a small stuffed rabbit and duck that someone had abandoned in the candy section of the check out lane.

Keem:  These are cute.
DM:  They have been abandoned.  We should rescue them!
Keem:  They’re only a dollar each.
DM:  Yes, we should adopt them.
Keem:  I get the duckie.
DM:  They should be together.
Keem:  They can stay at my desk, I need Easter decorations.
DM:  And every day I can come over and re-enact the adventures of Duckie and Bunny.

I pick up the stuffed animals and start making them dance, humming a little tune.  The cashier starts laughing.  Keem sighs.

Keem:  You are such a dork.
DM (to cashier):  Sometimes I like to see how much I can annoy her.  Like talking about the farm we’re going to buy when we’re old and where we will raise kittens.*
Cashier:  Okay.
DM:  Want to talk about the farm, Keem?
Keem:  You.  Shut up NOW.

Okay, she didn’t actually say that but she did raise her hand up in a “Please get away from me, you freak, you are driving me insane” motion.

*This is something I usually do when we’re driving somewhere and I want to read but she’s not in the mood to let me read .  But if I jabber at her long enough, she’ll usually let me.

  • Speaking of cats, Kalli had her rabies shot last week.  She does not care for trips to the vet, mainly because we make her sit in the cat carrier instead of scampering all over the car like she would want.  We’d be okay with this, if she didn’t automatically make a bee-line for Keem’s feet.  Have you ever tried to drive a car when there’s a cat at your feet?  It makes having to brake interesting.
  • In the cat carrier, she starts doing barrel rolls in an attempt to destroy the carrier.  It’s actually kind of funny but she also yowls like you wouldn’t believe.
  • While I was waiting for our appointment, she was expressing her displeasure to the world.

Kalli:  MROWWWWWWWW! (Translated to mean “Oh my GOD, you humans are so cruel!”)
DM:  Yes, yes, your life is so terrible.  No one loves you.
Vet Receptionist:  Starts laughing because it is the same tone you would use with a teenager.  It’s a tone we use with her often. 

  • She will be spayed next week.  It should be interesting to see if she mellows out at all.
  • Eddy seems to be much happier to have her around than when we first got her.
  • He’s been chasing her around the apartment and it is seriously cute.  You can also hear him calling for her when he’s in a playful mood.
  • You know what is fun?  When you get a free song from iTunes that you completely love and then a couple of months later you hear it on the radio.  It makes me happy for the artists.  I love Free Music Tuesdays, I’ve found some great songs because of it.  Don’t always care for every song but it’s still a cool idea and I’m glad they do it.
  • Okay, lunch is just about over.  Hope you are having a good week.

In other words, a post of things that irritate me, make me say WTF and have made me giggle.

Let’s the start with the irritants, shall we?  Did I mention there would be bullet points?  Bullet points are fun!

  • Kalli has started urinating in non-approved areas.  After doing some research, it appears that this is due to the fact that she is going through the cat version of puberty.  Which would explain the general bitchiness and the “Don’t touch me, I hate you” cries that we get on occasion.  The accusations of neglect (because, you know, we’re mean and cruel and don’t feed her), the sulking, the hair styles we can’t figure out…all explained.  Kalli’s a teenager.
  • We need to get her spayed.  While the chances of her running into a non-neutered cat in our apartment is slim to none, I, like Bob Barker, believe that your pets should be spayed and/or neutered.  But do you have any idea how much it costs to do this?  We’re looking at $355 so far being the cheapest (she needs shots as well).  We are debating getting her declawed but the more I read about it, the more I think I don’t like the idea.  Granted, apparently they use a laser nowadays which is just kind of awesome (because lasers are cool) but still, she’s not much on the scratching of furniture.
  • Humans are another story.  I don’t know if I ever mentioned that she likes to knead.  So she’ll climb up on to either Kim’s or my arm and start kneading like crazy, tiny little claws puncturing your skin.  And then she licks you while she’s kneading.  And apparently I may have a slight allergy to her saliva because my arm is one inflamed mass of scabs and general ouch.  And last night, when Kari was putting a couch cover on our couch, Kalli thought this was a game and hid about halfway up the back of the couch and removed a nice chunk of Kari’s skin.
  • I am sick.  Again.  I am so sick of it (pun intended).  I really didn’t want to come to work today but I told myself to not be a wimp.  Mainly I’m just coughing on occasion and feel a little dizzy but other than that, I’m okay.  The one good thing about this?  Walgreens  has cough drops that are flavored like Dad’s Root Beer.  You would not think that Root Beer and Menthol are a good flavor combination but they work.
  • I am sure I am irritated by other things because, hello, it is Monday and I am always cranky on Monday but I can’t think of anything else yet.

Things that make you go WTF?

  • How did NickelBack get on my iPod?  In what universe would I actually download something by NickelBack?  I hate them so very much.
  • Speaking of  iPods, Kari’s iPod is being given to my mother and so I ended up with some of Kari’s purchased music.  It’s Raffi and some annoying bunch of children singing nursery rhymes.  So you’ll be jamming out to some music and all of a sudden some kid is saying “Five Little Speckled Frogs” and it’s kind of creepy.  Usually I skip past this quickly but there’s this one Raffi song that I kind of enjoy.  Okay, that’s a lie.  I like it a lot.  It’s “This Old Man” and it’s funny and bouncy and I listened to it this morning and then listened to it again.  What the heck is happening to me?
  • I’m in the bathroom at work this morning and glance over at the stall wall (which rhymes!).  There is something on the wall.  It appears that someone has decided to pick their nose and wipe it on the wall.  Who does this kind of thing?  I mean, really, right? 
  • And this makes me think of a former “friend” of mine who actually did this and then thought it was hilarious that I accidently bumped up against the wall and then got his “boogers” all over my “fat ass.”  Yeah.  Apparently he was 30 going on five.  Surprisingly enough, we haven’t been friends in years. 
  • I am muttering to myself in indignation and taking a piece of toilet paper to remove this obscenity when I realize it’s a feather.  I think there’s a moral to this somewhere but don’t know what it is.

And that which made me giggle incessently:

  • Keem and I rented “Mama Mia” last night on Comcast.  SO VERY CUTE!  I love musicals, of course, and also adore ABBA so we were having a great time singing along.
  • Kalli’s sudden change in her way of expressing her affection to Eddy.  Before it was “Hello!  Let me climb all over you and steal your treats and attempt to eat your head because I want to PLAY!”  Now it is “Hello, sailor.  Why don’t you come up and see me sometime?  Do you know how to whistle, Eddy (my cat has turned into Mae West)?”  She’s making these little purring noises at him and taking his face into her paws and rubbing her cheeks up against him.  Eddy is backing away in horror, of course, with a look that says “Listen Lady, I don’t know what you want but you’re not getting from me!”
  • Miss Melissa sent this to me the other day and I absolutely love it.


Save the llamas, people!

And in other news:

It’s Tuesday now.  I’m at home because Keem got the flu.  In other words,  I couldn’t get a hold of anyone this morning to get a ride into work and unfortunately our shiny new building is not on a bus line.  It’s probably just as well that I was home, I was able to fetch water and Sierra Mist for the sickee and also feed the cats so they would stop harrassing her (Kalli gets loud when she feels she hasn’t had enough to eat.  It’s a wonder that she doesn’t weigh 400 pounds).  The thing that sucks about this is I have Friday off but have to give back the time because I have way too much to do this month and I’m behind.  While we’re working on making my job easier, it is a work in progress.

The dentist does not accepts felines as payment but a) did not yell at me and b) was seriously and totally hot.  Also very young and was probably still in high school the last time I went to a dentist.  But oh well, still, he looks like Greg from CSI: and even made me laugh a couple of times.  I have a dentist appointment on the 17th, let me rephrase that, I have two appointments on the 17th, one at 10 and the other at 4 because apparently I have a pretty small mouth (my mother would be surprised to hear that) and he’s worried about filling my 6 or 7 cavities in one appointment.  So we’re splitting it up but because I have to take the entire day off just to go to the dentist, we’re going to do it in one day.  And then, because I am so very lucky, I get to go to a specialist and talk about the peridontal disease I have or am in the first stages about.  And then I get to have the ultrasonic scaler!  The joy!  The rapture!  The absolute pain.  I may ask for nitrous oxide for that.

In two days, I had to explain why my personal email address  is greenduckiesgirl AT comcast DOT net.  The first time was at the dentist office and the second time was when Kari and I wandered into Northwestern Book Store.

Kari:  Why are we here?
DM:  Because there are books.
Kari:  So?
DM:  I need to find a book.  I can not leave a book store without buying a book, Kari.  That’s unheard of.

I did find a book, a joint effort by Frank Perretti (I really like the couple of books I’ve read by him and named a cactus Mr. Perretti after him) and Ted Dekker, both writers of paranormal suspense and horror that just happens to also be religion based.  It was called “House” and it creeped the hell out of me.  I had to flip to the back of the book to find out what happened before I could read any more.  Long story short, demons and a serial killer trap this couple in an abandoned house and they have to find their way out.  Will they survive?  It took me a long time to be able to sleep Sunday night.

Anyway, the woman asked me to sign up for their email newsletter and said she loved how creative people are with their email addresses.

Kari:  My email address is my name.  I’m not very creative.
DM:  I think we’ve established who the creative one in this family is.  And by creative, I mean insane.

The woman told us a story about her son who is home schooled and somewhat bizarre (not because he’s home schooled, just one of those creative types that are never understood (Which I understand)).  Anyway, she picked him up from a study group and he came out to the car with pink and yellow post it notes up and down his arms.

Woman:  Why?
Son:  I’m a bird.

And then he began flapping his arms.  I burst out laughing and said I’ll have to try that someday.  I then shared the story of how I was trying to convince Beth to let me use her hedge trimmer (failed) and then gathered the small hedge trimmings.  I held up a few by my face and said “Look!  I’m a bush!”

Kari:  Sometimes I wonder how we’re related.

Hope you all had a good weekend and that you are not sick.  Sick is bad.

On Tuesday, in between my appointment at the doctor (where I got to have blood drawn and get stabbed twice (okay, I got a flu shot and a tetanus shot) in the shoulders) and the mammogram appointment at the hospital (where my breasts were slammed between cold plastic and turned into pancakes), my sister Kari and I went to get our hair cut.

I had originally thought about trying to see if I could pull off Maggie Gyllenhaal’s most recent haircut (posted on Go Fug Yourself here) but Kari was flipping through books with different hair styles. And there I saw it. This cute, adorable pixie cut. Could I pull it off? Would it be too short? What the heck. I was going to try it.

My hair is now two inches long (except for my bangs, they are a tad shorter but have been fixed since my last “Oh my God, I can’t stand my hair anymore. Where are the scissors?” breakdown) and, if I do say so myself, quite adorable. I love my hair. My hair loves me. I even styled it this morning.

As we were driving to the boob squishing appointment, Kari asked me what I thought of her hair cut. I told her I thought it was cute (it is).

Kari: I didn’t really look at it.
DM: What? You didn’t check it when she showed you the finished product?
Kari: No. I hate that part. I just want to say yes, yes, let me on my merry way.
DM: Wait. You mean you don’t stare at yourself in the mirror and think about how cute you are?
Kari: No! Do you?
DM: Yes! That’s my favorite part!
Kari: Well, obviously you don’t have any self confidence issues.
DM: Why would I? I’m freakin’ adorable! Who wouldn’t love me? I’m me!

I have noticed that when I like my hair, I feel much better about myself. So hopefully, I’ll continue this “Gosh, I am so great” feeling. Plus, very excited to learn that I lost a “couple” of pounds from the last time I went to the doctor. Yay!

I promise to post pictures of my hair and the cats soon, including the reason why Keem and I are not having a Christmas tree this year.

Prior Comments

PICTURES!!!!! (Please.)

Gravatar Uh oh, cats climbing everything? Ah well, you can enjoy other people’s.

Gravatar I second pictures, and am envious. My hair is a bloody mess, I have abandoned my stylist, the man cut my hair perfectly for years and then started giving me this cut where I looked like I stepped out of a 70’s horror show, ends all curled in and daft. So no more, and don’t know whom to go to, and am miserable and my hair is up all the time and I am miserable, did I mention??

I am in the break room with Keem this morning.  She is filling her water container with ice (we have ice in our break room!  It’s awesome!  Crushed ice even!).  I hear her softly singing.

DM:  What did you say?
Keem (sing song):  Ice is good.  Ice is great.  Unfortunately you can’t take it out on a date.

In a normal tone she continues.

Keem:  Because it would melt.
DM:  What are you doing?
Keem:  Channeling you, apparently.

My world is askew when I’m the normal one.

What I wouldn’t give for a huge, hulking, gigantic man who could squash Craig like the little bug that he is. I could see it now.

Craig: Hi, kids. Can I sit with you?*
HHGM: No. My woman don’t like being called kid. You go now. Or HHGM stomp face.
DM: Oh, HHGM, you’re so wonderful.

I’m not really sure why I can’t fantasize about a HHGM who is also intelligent but hey, at least he’s not Craig.

*Actually karaoke is no more on Sundays so you’d think we’d not run into Craig but he seems to be stalking Beth. He has shown up at Fridleykins 3 times. My theory is that he has a GPS tracker on her car.

So my weekend was excellent, actually. Saturday I went shopping with Keem. We went to Catherine’s and I bought clothes (yay!). Bath and Body Works where I spent way too much money on hand soap (okay, I bought other things like lip gloss but that is not the point). Joann’s where I bought a laminating machine because I have now decided to make bookmarks. Said bookmarks are collage like and are fashioned from magazines. My favorite one so far is the one I made of this girl from a Physician’s Formula add where she is hiding her face behind a book because she apparently has broken out. The bookmark now says “Investigate the world. Provide the imagination. Renew your sense of discovery. You. A true story.” Would you like a bookmark? I will make you one. Just email me at greenduckiesgirl AT comcast DOT net with your address and the three words you would use to describe yourself and I will come up with a nifty new bookmark just for you! Disclaimer – those three words will probably not end up on your bookmark but it will give me an idea of what would be perfect for you.

I showed Co-worker Eric the bookmarks I had made so far and he said I have weird hobbies and wanted to know just how many books I read at a time.

Co-worker Eric has been amused by me this morning. So far I have sliced my thumb on my scissors while cleaning it (do not clean your scissors by running your thumb down it. It doesn’t work. Oh. And Purel hurts when it gets into your cut (because you’re using the Purel to clean the scissors because it is pure alcohol and will remove the stickiness from the laminator). Just so you know) and sung different songs because they are stuck in my head.

Here’s a sampling…

Islands in the stream. That is what we are. Nowhere inbetween. Blah blah blah. Sail away with me.

Co-worker Eric: Hahahaha. This is gold.

I have also managed to get Sweet City Woman stuck in Keem’s head by email (we heard it on Thursday on the way home). She is somewhat annoyed with me. On Saturday, as I was waiting for her to finish purchasing the clothing, I was sitting in a chair and doing a little dance to the song. I was not singing it out loud but apparently she knew what it was because of the dance. Co-worker Eric said it sounds like a dangerous game and he could see us in a gladiator arena with microphones and ukeleles.

Another Co-worker Eric quote.

Co-worker Eric: I blame you for the queue blowing up.
DM: I didn’t do it! You did it!
CWE: No. No, I did not. I said “Can you believe it.” So I could have been talking about the queue. But the queue didn’t know that.
DM: I am so quoting you.

You can never ever say “Hey, there aren’t any calls holding” around here. Because if you do, the queue Gods will become angry and smite us with calls. He said “Can you believe it” when there were no calls holding and I said “Don’t say it!” because I was in fear of the queue Gods. But then I said “Yeah, this is pretty amazing for a Monday.” So it probably is my fault that we’re now at 22 calls holding. Not that I care because I am on the help desk until 3 PM today. Hee hee.

Oh. I was talking about my weekend, wasn’t I? Beth and I played pool last night. It was fun. I won 3 games by default (she scratched on the 8/9 ball depending on the game that we were playing) and won an actual game by sinking the 9 ball. There may have been a happy dance. And then we went to Fridleykins and drove through the parking lot and convinced ourselves to leave because we didn’t want to take the chance of seeing Craig and then we said why are we leaving, this is Beth’s Perkins and dammit, it’s the best Perkins ever, how dare he drive us away? And then we were happy because he wasn’t there.

Guess what. He showed up about a half hour later. He either has a GPS tracking system on her car or there’s a curse on his name and when you say it, he shows up. Why no, I’ve never ever read a Harry Potter book. What do you mean?

Anyway, as you may or may not know, sometimes when I get annoyed, I like to pick up forks and make vague stabbing motions. I did this last night but a quote from a movie ran through my mind.

DM: Why a spoon, cousin?
Beth (laughs because she knows exactly what I am thinking): Because it’ll hurt more. I can’t believe I got that. I’m not even sure what movie that’s from.
DM: Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. Unlike Robin Hood, Men in Tights “Where, unlike other Robin Hoods, I speak with an English accent.” I watch too many movies.


Some odd song has come on the radio. Apparently the music for the evening is Top 40. Now, back in my day, Top 40 was actually fairly decent. But these songs now play on the Oldies Station (which is so depressing) and instead we were stuck with songs that were written by whiny, annoying people who have lost their love (probably because they were whiny and annoying) or people on crack.

Some song comes on that is about feet or losing the love of your life or, quite possibly, a gay man’s house (I’m pretty sure that’s not the lyric but I have blocked the rest of the song from my mind so I can’t look it up).

DM: Who writes this crap? I could do this.
Beth: You should.
DM: Of course, the only song that I’ve ever written was about “grind you out like a cigarette” and “unlike my cigarettes, you gave me cancer of the soul.”
Beth: Okay.
DM: I should give my poems to John and have them set them to music.
Beth: John?
DM: Or Bryan. Bryan would work.
Beth: John?
DM: Your John.*
Beth: Oh! I was trying to figure out what John you know that is musical.

*Her totally awesome employee who calls her and leaves voicemails for her that consist of him playing Stairway to Heaven or Paint it Black and other songs. The man is amazing. I’ve never actually met him but he’s amazing.

Later again…

Craig is leaving.

Craig: Beth, I just wanted to let you know that when you said “Who writes this crap?”, that was great.
Beth: I didn’t say it.
DM: That was me (I did not add bonehead. I was thinking it but I didn’t say it).
Craig: Oh. Well, it was communely funny.
Beth: Uh-huh.
DM: Yeah.
John (Craig’s friend who is only easy to deal with because you can talk about boys with him. Anything else and he is a whiny, obnoxious, annoying man who is always complaining about working in a convenience store and the dregs of society that he runs into): I got accused of stealing change.
DM: What? That’s stupid. Why would you steal change?
John: Blah, blah, blah, the world is out to get me, blah, blah, I am truly annoying, blah.
DM: Uh-huh. See you.

Beth and I then spent the rest of our time at Perkins bemoaning the fact that Craig and John have taken our wonderful home away from home (well, more Beth’s because I don’t get out there that often) and seem to have invaded it and why, why, why is he stalking her and his last name is what you do when you’re bored (Yawn (it’s hopefully spelled differently than that but hey, it is true. You yawn when you’re bored and you’re usually bored when he is around)) and my God, could he be anymore annoying? And then we stopped talking about him and continued playing Liverpool Rummy which is either the coolest game in the world or the most annoying, depending on if you are stuck with a set of 6 8’s and need a run of 6 and a set of 3.

So it was a good weekend. Next weekend Beth and I are going to Wisconsin because they’re having an inpromtu family reunion and I am tagging along for the ride (and the steaks and garblic bread). It’ll be fun. Hope you had a good weekend as well.

Oh, and I have to add this because of Joe. He posted it and this guy is seriously going to be my next boyfriend. I was laughing so hard watching this. Anyone who would film this video of himself is obviously the perfect guy for me.

Man: What? They can’t do that.
Woman: I know. It’s stupid and wrong.
Man: Well, it’s not like they couldn’t bring him back.
Woman: Hello? The space ship blew up. He’d be in little itty pieces. But maybe…they did have his head. I guess they could bring him back.
Puzzled 2nd Woman: Dana? What ARE you talking about? I heard was “they have his head. I guess they could bring him back.”
Woman: Oh! Star Trek: Next Gen. They killed Data.

I’ve recently discovered a site that amuses me – Overheard in New York. There’s another one, I guess, called Overheard at Work. I’m thinking of submitting this conversation I had with Former Boss Matt the other day.

Last night, in between dashes to the bathroom, Keem and I were watching Whose Line is it Anyway? (Oh, my God, how I love that show, Colin Mochrie, if you ever decide to leave your wife and come see me, I’m in Minnesota), the British version. We have this recorded on our pretty shiny DVR and Keem was fast forwarding through the commercials when we saw yet another commercial for Doctor Who. I used to love the show when I was 16 but haven’t seen any of the recent epsidoes. Pretty shiny Doctor Who who is played by the really hot guy who played Raymond Calitri in Gone in 60 Seconds.

Anyway, in this commercial, he is staring directly at you (well, the camera but you know what I mean).

DW: Do you want to come with me?

Keem and I have had responses to this, usually along the lines of “Yes, please” and “Oh, you are so very pretty” but Keem topped them all last night.

Keem: You can Doctor my Who anytime.
DM (falling over with laughter): What?
Keem: You heard me.
DM: I am so blogging that.
Keem: No! You can’t!
DM: Oh, yes. Yes, I will.

You would think that, with all of the enjoyment we get out of watching the commercial, we’d actually watch the show but not yet. Maybe when our 453 episodes of Whose Line have all been watched (this is what you get when you do a series record).

Oh, and proof positive that my happy pills are working, the other day I had to take a bus. I got on the bus and the three or four men in the back of the bus started making comments about how I was a big woman and also “El Grande.” Now, instead of focusing on the fact that they were criticizing my weight and how I must climb into a hole because I’m just a big fat cow that doesn’t deserve to walk the planet, instead I thought “Hmm. Technically, when you call me ‘El Grande,’ you’re calling me ‘The Big.'” Of course, they weren’t Hispanic but still, dudes. If you’re going to insult me, get it right.

I may adopt that as my new title. Instead of the Queen of the Universe, you may find me signing documents as The Big. It kind of has a nice ring to it.

And I decided on a New Year’s Resolution. The Mountain Dew has to go. I’m not so sure that I can continue to blame my recent weight gain on Seraquel and may need to focus on the four or five cans I manage to drink every other day or so. Stupid Mountain Dew. Why must you be so yummy?

I was reading Udge’s blog today and every time I left a comment, the word verification thingy would have “Q’s” in it. Now, you might be wondering why I would notice “Q’s” and it is very simple. I like them. They remind me of Star Trek: TNG and the nickname for myself that one of the managers at the NABABNA phone center came up for me – QotU (which is Queen of the Universe). “Q’s” are happy letters. At least they make me happy. They are sort of like BALLOONS! to me. They are vaguely BALLOONS! shaped when you think about it.

Because “Q’s” make me happy and I could use some happiness (nothing’s majorly* wrong, I’m just sick of being sick and almost hacked up a ton of Mountain Dew this morning because some moron decided today would be the perfect day to drill holes in the counter and the dust was horrible and I couldn’t breathe and my inhaler is pretty much empty and then I started thinking about The Hand That Rocks the Cradle and that really bad scene where that lady almost dies because Rebecca DeMornay has gone psycho and is blaming her for her husband’s death (who is played by John DeLancie by the way who played Q on Star Trek: TNG which is kind of cool when you think about it because my mind goes in these weird looping circles but always comes back together) and then I kind of freaked and I started coughing and then had to walk away from the counter and hide out in the bathroom for awhile), I’ve decided to bring you a list of some of my favorite “Q’s.”

*Did you know that majorly technically is not a word? Spell Check rejects it and I had to check to make sure I wasn’t losing my mind. Apparently it is slang and got its start between 1980-1985. Boy, can I date myself. Between this and rockin’ I just scream “Hey, I graduated in ’85!”

Anyway, without further ado, I bring you a list of “Q” words that make me happy:

Actually, sorry, I need to let you know that today’s word of the day is “flibbertigibbet” and I love that word. It’s so cute. Okay. Let’s carry on. No more distractions. I promise.

Please. You believed me? No more distractions? No, I now bring you a conversation between Co-worker John, Co-worker Rykken and myself:

DM: We have a Thesaurus (up at the counter (which I just discovered this morning)). Do we have a dictionary?
Co-worker John: I don’t think so.
DM: But I need a dictionary. I need a list of “Q” words.
Co-worker Rykken: Why?
DM: Because I am doing a post on my favorite “Q” words.
Co-worker Rykken (Laughing): Well, if they’re your favorite “Q” words, why do you need a dictionary? Shouldn’t you know what they are?
DM: See, I knew you’d get logical on me. I need to look at them and be reminded which ones are my favorite.

Co-worker John does not try to be logical (he has learned it doesn’t work, especially since I just accused him of conspiring with Beth about chicken) but starts listing off “Q” words. Rykken does as well.

Co-worker Rykken: Queen.
DM: Well, of course I love that word.
Co-worker Rykken: Queue.
DM: I love that word. It is very cool.
Co-worker Rykken: Yes. It is one of my favorites as well. But you have to wonder why there is the extra “UE?” It doesn’t make any sense.
DM: I know! That’s part of the fun.
Co-worker Rykken: Exactly.

So there are times when Co-worker Rykken and I do see eye to eye. Well, not really, since he is very tall (and bearded. I love the beard. I refrain from telling him that, though. I don’t want to scare him. I already told him he was very rugged and lumber-jacky once) but close enough.

Okay. Favorite “Q” words. Here we go.

Quack – Well, of course. How could I not love it? Ducks quack. I like ducks. I like rubber duckies. And green duckies. And real ducks, of course. In fact, I’m pretty much fond of all birds. Except vultures. They’re not that cute. And I doubt very much that they chirp.

Quaint – It’s just a sweet way of saying odd, don’t you think?

Quite – I like it because adding it to a phrase makes you sound somewhat British. And we all know what an Anglophile I am.

Quartet – I am a secret fan of Barbershop Quartets. I love four part harmony. Oh, let’s face it; I love all harmony, mainly because I couldn’t harmonize if my life depended on it. It’s kind of like winking.

Quantum – Only because it reminds me of Quantum Leap and all that Scott Bakula/Dean Stockwell goodness.

Quash – Because it is like thwack – a word that sounds like what it means. Onomatopoeia is a stupid word for something I adore. Mainly because I don’t know how to spell it half the time.

Queer – But I only like it when it means bizarre or curious or eccentric or oddball or outlandish or peculiar (hmm, can you guess that I pressed the Thesaurus into duty?). I do not like any other meaning that people may have put upon it. Which is one of the reasons why I don’t use it very often.

Quell – CRUSH! Annihilate, squash, suppress! Onomatopoeia strikes again! I quell the forces of evil with just one look! My God, I am a dork.

Quick – For some reason, every time I have to do a rush, I also say “Quick like bunny (but more like “queek”). I do not know why this is. No one seems to know why this is. It drives me nuts but it is so much fun to say.

Quip – Because they are funny. I like the funny.

Quagna – Just because he was hot and it was a pretty damn funny story.

Quizzical – It has a “Q” and a “Z.” Did I mention I like “Z’s?” Because I do. Not so much words that start with “Z’s” but words that have “Z’s” in them. Like quizzical and pizza and bizarre.

That is pretty much it. No, I’m not desperate for posting ideas at all. Why do you ask?

Do you have favorite “Q” words? Or is there a letter of the alphabet that you are fonder of then the others?

And just because it made me laugh:

Your Pickup Line Is
Do you have a Bandaid? Cos I just scraped my knee falling for you.

And that’s where I’m going to be staying for some time.

Not to completely gross you all out but I think I have moved from bronchitis to pneumonia to some form of the black plague.

Keem has been exorting me to “cough it out,” to get rid of the crap that has invaded my lungs. She may have regretted this yesterday.

After she got home, we sat down in the living room to watch a show. She was telling me about her day and I wanted to spend sometime in a room that was not either my bedroom or the bathroom.

Keem: And then I got to be on the Help Desk…
DM: Hold that thought. I’ll be right back.

Fifteen minutes later, I am back on the couch. Freshly showered (I’m not going into much detail here, okay? Figure out why I would have had to take a shower) and ready to hear the rest of her story.

DM: Okay.
Keem: Cheryl was asking me to help her out with a project.
DM: Um, yeah. I’ll be back.

This repeated for about an hour.

The nice thing about having a DVR is it is really easy to pause things when the person you’re viewing the show with has to keep running off to the bathroom every fifteen minutes or so.

Finally, we finished watching the show and it was time for bed. The only way I’ve been able to sleep is if I take a 100 mg tablet of Seroquel. It knocks me out for about four hours and then I cough.

As I was taking my pill, I had to go to the bathroom again. Oh, yay.

And then I started coughing.

Keem: Are you okay?
DM: Cough. Cough cough cough. Cough. Haaaaaaccck. Gaaaaaaaggggg.
Keem: That didn’t sound good.
DM: Yeah. You know how you keep telling me to cough that crap up?
Keem: Yeah?
DM: I just did.
Keem: That’s good.
DM: No. No, it’s not. I coughed it up on me.
Keem: What? Oh. Eew.
DM: Uh, yeah.

There’s a scene in Ghost Busters that quite perfectly sums up this entire moment for me. Peter Venkman (aptly played by Bill Murray) comes across the green ghost/slime creature thing. It gets him. As he’s standing there, his co-workers show up and Peter says, in just the right tone, “He slimed me.” If you haven’t seen this movie, of course, this will make absolutely no sense to you. But I slimed myself. It was, in a word, horrific.

I am alternating between the slime, coughing up the mucus that has invaded my lungs (and quite possibly pieces of my lungs), running to the bathroom constantly with other issues (and having to shower a lot) and I didn’t think it could get any worse. But it can. Oh, believe me, it can!

Today I coughed so hard that I ended up, um, how do I put this tactfully? Well, let’s say this. I am considering wearing a diaper. Or maybe some Depends. They were good enough for June Allyson. The sad thing about this is that it happened more than once.

I’m supposed to do laundry, I have Christmas presents to buy and cookies to bake and I don’t know when I’m going to accomplish this. If it gets any worse, I’m going to have to have Keem take me to the Emergency Room.

This is the worst that I have felt in a long time. The last time was probably after I got back from Mexico. That was fun, being out of work for three weeks.

Beth, I’m very sorry and I wish it could be different but I am not going to be able to go to karaoke tomorrow night. At this point, I don’t know if I’m going to go anywhere again.

Anyway, if you could all say a prayer or light a candle or maybe think some kind thoughts or rub a Buddha’s belly or the spiritual gesture of your choice, I would really, really appreciate it.

Got to go, Keem is getting tired of me coughing on the computer. I am supposed to go to bed like a good Dana. Love to you all.

Yeah, I’m getting desperate for titles.

In the last few days, I’ve felt that my body suddenly decided to have a party and didn’t tell me about it. I can almost hear the hilarious sitcom like activity.

Stomach: Hey! Let’s have a party!
Lungs: Okay. That sounds like fun.
Brain: Do you think we should let Dana know about this?
Stomach: No. You know how she gets. She’s still mad at me for the time I was acting up and she had to drink that chalky antacid for a month. Remember how the doctor threatened to shove a camera down Throat? She was terrified. Hee!
Throat: Yeah, you laugh but believe me, I would have had my revenge.
Brain: Guys. That was 20 odd years ago. Let’s not rehash this again.
Lungs: I’ll send out the invitations.
Stomach: Oh, I got a better idea. Let’s just post flyers all around town.
Brain: But, um, don’t you think it might be a better idea to stick to a guest list?
Lungs: Brain, you’re so boring. Guest lists are so 90’s. Party hearty, dude.
Brain: Oh, yes, you’re so hip. I wash my hands of you.
Hands: Don’t tell us what to do, Brain. We’ll wash ourselves when we are good and ready. And forget that antibacterial stuff you’re always telling us to use. It’s so boring.

A few minutes later.

Lungs: Hey, dudes, come on in. The party’s just getting started. And I don’t care that you’re complete strangers and look a little shifty.
Airborne Germs: Don’t mind if we do. Hey, get a good whiff of my new cologne.
Lungs: Oh, hey, that’s really great…cough. Hack. Cough. What do you call that?
Airborne Germs: Oh, it’s a knockoff version of the bubonic plague. It’s called Minnesota Misery.
Lungs: It’s nice…haaaaaaack. Cooooouuuugh. Oh, I’m sorry. That’s just nasty. I wonder how that happened.
Airborne Germs: Don’t ask us. We’re going to go visit the rest of the body now.
Stomach: Woo-hoo! New party-goers! I’m so excited to see you!
Airborne Germs: Hey, we brought you a party gift.
Stomach: Oh, thanks! It’s…lovely. What is it?
Airborne Germs: A ticket to non-stop partying action in the bathroom of your choice!
Stomach: Wow! That’s awesome…um, excuse me, I need to just exit quickly here.
Airborne Germs: No problem! We’ll just hang around and get to know everyone here! It’s great!
Brain: Intruders! Intruders! OUT, you damn spots that I’m seeing flash before my eyes. Why am I so dizzy? I’m just spinning around and around and I can’t focus on anything. Aren’t I supposed to be doing a job right now? Maybe help these people who keep on calling me? I think I’m going to go take a nap for a couple of days.

If you haven’t guessed, yes, the bronchitis is back. And it is in my lungs and stomach and my brain doesn’t work anymore and my God, I hate this. No one should have to live like this. I can’t even use my CPAP because my stupid nose is so clogged up that I can’t breathe. Breathing is important. Just in case you were wondering.

I am waiting for the bus to come, another 20 minutes and I will be on my way home. And to my bed where I’m not leaving for the next few days. Thankfully, my wonderful awesome boss whom I adore figured out that I have a day of PTO left. I don’t know where it was hiding but I am taking it. I had 3 hours of overtime that is now being put towards standard hours and I stayed from 7 to 12:20 today (it was going to be noon but a customer came in at the last minute and I had to help them).

I know I am not dying, not really, but it sure feels like it. I hate this. Adios, amigos. Know that I’ll be thinking of you. I’ll catch up on you all next week.

July 2018
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