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Adventures with the ENT

Remember how, back on August 3rd, I said I had an ear infection?  Yeah.  I still have an ear infection.  On the 10th, I got to go to see an Ear, Nose and Throat doctor and wow, let me tell you, that was fun.  Yes, that is sarcasm.

Let’s discuss the excitement of the day, shall we?  Warning, I may or may not have exaggerated a tad.

  • I wake up.  I have a headache.  My ear is throbbing and full of liquid and I can’t hear out of it.
  • What do I do for a living?  Oh, right, I listen to phone calls and monitor them for quality purposes.  Really kind of important that I can hear.
  • I call in sick and go back to bed.
  • I am convinced my doctor appointment is on one side of downtown Saint Paul (near where the old Science Museum used to be) but decide to take a cab instead of walking.
  • Turns out the appointment is near the new Science Museum.  Good thing I decided to take the cab.
  • I fill out the forms and sit in the waiting room.  There is some guy who keeps staring at me.  Why is he staring at me?  This is weird.  Stop it.
  • There is a guy next to me who keeps making these snorting noises.  It’s kind of gross.
  • Weird guy is still staring.  Would hitting him with my book be considered assault?  Probably.  I don’t do it.
  • I am called into the back and meet my nurse person.  She looks at my ear and asks me some questions.  All perfectly normal.
  • ENT guy comes in.  “Hi, Dana.  How are you?  Let me take a look at your ear.”
  • Yep.  I have an ear infection.  Actually, apparently I have an “angry eardrum” and it is very thick and there are air bubbles behind the ear drum.  Oh, wow.  That’s really kind of gross.
  • I get to have a hearing test.  My hearing is not so good in the left ear.  That’s a shock.  But he thinks it will clear up.  Here’s my problem with this test.  When you put earphones on my head and talk into my ear, I can hear you.  I may not be able to hear everything you say but I can actually hear you.  You’re talking in my ear!  I don’t think that’s a completely effective hearing test.  Where’s the hearing test that takes place in the crowded bar or at the movie theater when I’m trying to figure out what people are saying?  How come I can hear better if I’m facing someone or if there are subtitles?  Explain that!
  • Apparently I have residual anger towards people who do hearing tests.
  • Then it is back to see ENT guy.  “Here’s what we’re going to do, Dana.  I’m going to stick this really sharp thing into your ear and slice your ear drum.  Doesn’t that sound like fun?”  Uh, no.  But if it works, I will be thrilled to death.
  • He pours this numbing solution into my ear.  He warns me that it will burn.  I am almost ready to ask if he can just put me out so I don’t have to deal with it but too late, stuff is slithering through my ear.
  • Burn is not the word I would use for this.  I would say “Mother-effing lava.”
  • Then he slices the ear drum.  Now my ear is filled with lava and the pain.  The sharp, horrible pain that will not end.
  • The liquid decides not to drain.  Why would it?  It likes my ear.  No, apparently it is too thick.
  • Happy ENT guy says “Okay, Dana.  Now we get to have lots of fun!  I get my kicks from torturing innocent people.  Some days I dress up like a clown!  Let’s shove a tube into this slice I just made so your ear drum won’t close up.  Look, it’s a really tiny tube.  It’ll be just fine.”
  • Uh, no, it was not just fine.  It was awful.  I am not ashamed to say that I cried like a baby when he rammed that thing in there.  It, of course, didn’t want to fit so there was some shoving and more sharp pain and more tears and oh, my God, this is not right.
  • I have finally found something I hate more than going to the dentist.  I hate going to the dentist so much that if I had a choice between a Pap smear every day for the rest of my life or getting my teeth cleaned, I would pick the Pap smear.  Do you know how demoralizing it is to realize that getting your teeth cleaned is actually a walk in the park compared to this?
  • As I walk out of the waiting room, tears still drying on my cheeks, I see that weird guy is still there.  Still staring.  As I leave, he follows me.  Oh, great.  I’m going to get murdered.  Well, that’ll be perfect.
  • Weird guy actually doesn’t follow me out of the office.  Apparently he was called into the back and I’m just slightly paranoid.

So that’s it.  Basically I paid a complete stranger $20 to slice my ear drum open and shove a tube in it.  And the infection’s still there.  I’m afraid to see what he’ll do on Friday when I have to go back.

I also have formed a theory.  Maybe Vincent Van Gogh wasn’t insane.  Maybe he just had an ear infection and the pain was so much he decided to just cut the ear off because that would be easier.  It could have been a radical new surgery process.  I am tempted to try it but Beth and Kim say no.  They also vetoed my using a tweezers to yank the tube out of my ear as well.  Sigh.  They are so very pratical.

GASP!  Facebook Drama!  Film at 11!

I love Facebook.  I really do.  I love the little quizzes and the games and catching up with family and friends.  I also enjoy crafting my status messages/comments to be funny or wry or amusing.  I like making people laugh.

However, sometimes you need to be careful.  One of my family members, John Doe*, took a Facebook quiz to find out how likely he was to go to jail.  It was 39%.  The little quiz result also said something along the lines of “You must have done a more serious crime because they don’t toss you in there for smuggling a lollipop out of the candy store.  Concentrate on positive things like using a hammer, toothpick and a piece of string to escape.”

*I know he’s related to me but I didn’t know how.  Name changed to protect him (and me).

This amused me.  There’s nothing serious about this, right?  Facebook is a social networking site, not a Nobel Prize winning think tank.  Especially when you think of the extremely horrible grammar in many of these quizzes.

So I leave a cute little comment.  Or at least I thought it was cute.

Dana Marie Vittum:  Hmm.  This worries me.  I have a hardened criminal for a relative!  But hey, having MacGyvver-like skills is nothing to sneeze at.

This morning, I am reading my news feeds and see there’s a comment after mine.

Parent Smith:  I am the proud parent of that criminal – back off.  You have other family members that are much worse to worry about.  “Judge not lest ye be judged.”

Um.  The words “WTF” came to mind.  She honestly thought was serious?  Really?  Oh, no!

I leave another comment.

Dana Marie Vittum:  John, if I offended you or your parent, I apologize.  I meant this as a joke, not a judgment.  I certainly do not think a Facebook quiz is an accurate assessment of someone’s criminal behavior.

So I am, of course, obsessing over this.  Am I a horrible person?  Is John going to hate me forever?  I am talking to Co-workers Rykken, Christy and Jessica about this today.

Christy:  Who is he?
DM:  Um, I have no idea.  I know we’re related, I just don’t know how.  He’s probably a cousin.  Or maybe a nephew.

I look up the information.  Yep.  He’s a nephew.  His parent is a former in-law.  That might account for the mysterious comment about worrying about my other relatives.  There may be some bitterness involved.  But part of me is still feeling guilty.

Do you think I’m a horrible person?  Would you have thought my comment was serious?  Should I have ended my comment with “J/K” or “LOL” or an emoticon so I don’t end up being burned in effigy later?

Updated – she did apologize for over-reacting.  We are okay.  I am glad about that.

Next week I am on vacation.  Keem and I are journeying to the wilds of Wisconsin to spend time with my mother, Kari and Josh.  It will be fun and exciting.  I’m not sure if I mean that or if that’s sarcasm.  My mother makes me a little crazy.  Not Vincent Van Gogh crazy.  Yet.

The Plague Continues – just in a new form

I have an ear infection.  It’s so ridiculous.  I’m 42 years old and this is my first ever ear infection.  I don’t like it.  Plus, it just seems so ludicrous.  It’s like wearing bifocals and having a huge acne breakout.

Granted, the horrible, gut-wrenching, “May I please jab a needle in my ear” pain is pretty much gone.  What’s driving me crazy right now is the feeling of liquid sloshing around in there and the fact that I can’t hear very well out of my left ear.  Hey, let’s think.  What do I do for a living again?  I listen to calls.  That’s awesome!

I’m squirting antibiotic drops in my ears four times a day (which might account for the liquid feeling).  It’s very exciting.  I would not wish this on my worst enemy.  Oh, wait.  Yes, I would.  Exactly how do you give someone an ear infection so I can work on inflicting a former friend of mine.

The bronchitis has pretty much cleared up.  That’s good.

The Further Adventures of Kalli, aka Demon Spawn

The other day, we ordered chicken wings from Pizza Hut (Mmm.  Garlic Parmesan.  Yummy).  I went to the door to pay.  Kalli takes this time to run out into the hallway.  The pizza delivery woman tries to stop her and I let her know this is something Kalli does every chance she gets.

Then I watch as Kalli runs up and down a 3 foot space, head held high, tail waving in the wind (okay, there’s not much wind in the apartment hallway but you know what I mean).  Is she trying to be a show kitten or something?  I can just see what is going through that teeny-tiny brain.  “Look at me!  Look at me!  Look!  Look!  Reward me with a treat of some sort because I am just so cute!  Loooooooooook!”

The next day, we decided to order pizza from Domino’s (yes, yes, I know.  Not the best choices but it was Tuesday and you buy one, get one free.  Cold pizza makes an excellent breakfast).  I go to the door to pay.  The pizza delivery man looks at Kalli.

PDM:  You.  I remember you.

The tone in his voice is as though Kalli is his mortal enemy.  My cat is someone’s nemesis.  This is so awesome and weird at the same time.

I think that’s pretty much it.  My life is not the most exciting lately.  Sorry.

So remember when I said that I shouldn’t be able to talk to men anymore?  I think I’ve said this many times, actually.  I’m old,” “You’re like Batman – Adam West Batman,” and I’m sure there’s many, many, many other examples.

 

Remember how I said my dentist was hot? 

 

Are you beginning to get an idea of where I’m headed here?

 

Monday I had a dentist appointment with the hot dentist.  One at 10 AM and one at 3 PM.  I had a total of 5 cavities to have filled but, because my mouth is small (a topic of great surprise to my family and friends who have been known to say on occasion “Do you ever shut up?”), it was suggested that I have two appointments.  Because I have to take a day off of work for any appointments (no bus line – well, maybe I’m being picky since I think leaving at 8:30 and arriving at work at 4:00 isn’t an option), I figured one day would be best.

 

The first appointment went fairly well except for the pain – I hate Novocain with a passion because it involves needles.  And did I take Beth’s suggestion to ask for Nitrous Oxide?  Of course not. 

 

At 3, I complained about the soreness of my jaw and they gave me a bite block thingy that held my mouth open.  I also asked and received Nitrous.  Beautiful, beautiful Nitrous Oxide.  How I love thee.

 

This is where the problem comes up.  See, I may not want to date but I am very fond of men.  I like the way they look and smell and often want to lick them on the neck.  Fortunately my Brain is usually in control and I am usually able to keep this information to myself (unless, of course, I’m watching TV with Beth or Keem and then I’ll usually comment on the cuteness of whatever man is romping around on the screen at the time (and then Keem yells at me because apparently she does not need to know that I want to bite said cute person).  But if you add Nitrous Oxide to the mix, well, the Brain talks but no one is listening.  Here is a dramatization of what happened.

 

Hot Dentist (HD):  How is the Nitrous working for you, Dana?  Remember, floaty and tingly is good – spinning and nauseous is bad.
DM:  Um, I don’t think I’m there yet.

 

A few minutes pass.  Suddenly I feel like I am being pulled under by a very gentle tidal wave.

 

DM:  Oh, yeah, there we go.

 

Suddenly I notice that HD is, well, just gosh-darned cute.  The Lust Molecules that seem to rule my body start clamoring for attention.

 

Lust Molecules:  Hey!  Hey, has anyone noticed that this guy is really cute?
Eyes:  Uh-huh!
Mouth:  That’s really not my department but I’ll be happy to tell him!
Brain:  NO!  Absolutely not!  There will be none of that.  Do you people remember anything?  Who has to deal with the consequences when you guys just blurt stuff out?  It’s not you!  It’s me and Memory!
Memory:  God.  Don’t get me started on the “You’re like Batman” crap again.  I am shaking my figurative head in disgust.
Mouth:  You know, Brain, you’re really a party pooper.  You never let us have any fun.
Tongue:  Yeah!  You and your “There will be no licking of random men” rules!
Brain:  Look, people.  I have a job to do here.  I am trying to protect Dana from making a fool out of herself.  We have enough problems with Logic deciding to go on strike every 9 out of 10 times that he’s needed.  And no one’s heard from Common Sense in decades, ever since there was the great Fish Hook fiasco.
Mouth:  I’m sorry but I don’t see how you can compare telling some guy he’s cute with sticking a fish hook into your mouth to see what it is like for your fishy brethren.  Oh my God, the pain.
Brain:  Trust me.  There’s a correlation.  That correlation is NO ONE LISTENS TO ME!
Mouth:  I am not having this conversation with you anymore.
Brain:  Don’t say it.  Don’t say it.  Don’t say it.  Don’t say…
DM:  If I say you’re cute, ignore it.  Wait.  Where did that come from?
Brain:  Nooooooooooooooooooo!
Mouth:  Hee-hee!  You’re not in control!
Dentist Assistant Person (DAP):  Dissolves into giggles.
DM:  I wasn’t going to say that.  I don’t know why I said that.
DAP:  Yeah, doc, you’re ugly.  It’s just the Nitrous talking.
DM:  Nope.  On my blog it says “New dentist equals hot!”   Oh my God.  Why am I still talking?
Brain:  Do you see?  Who gets blamed for this crap?  Me!

After the appointment, which I managed to get through without embarrassing myself further, HD walks me out so I can pay the nice man who handles the bills and stuff.

 

HD:  We’ll see you later, Dana.
DM:  I am never going to be able to look you in the eye again.

 

The nice man who handles the bills and stuff looks confused.  I can hear Hot Dentist and Dentist Assistant Person laughing in the examination room.  Deep sigh.

 

DM:  I told him he was hot under the influence of Nitrous.
Nice Man:  Bwahahahahaha!

 

This is my life, people.  Go ahead, laugh.  You know you want to.  Everyone else is doing it.

Disturbing Injury

Went to my chiropractor today and we talked about how my range of motion has seriously increased since I’ve been visiting him.  In fact, when I tripped over my laptop cord a few weeks ago, it hardly had any impact on me (I had some muscle spasms but they went away after the adjustment).  A year ago, that fall could have kept me in serious pain for weeks, if not months.

We started talking about the fact that the only consistent pain that I have now is in my left arm.  While that has improved greatly (since I can actually raise it over my head now instead of cradling it to my body hoping no one would touch it), there is still some pain.  I asked him about it today (I know.  You’d think I would have said something when I first started seeing him instead of, oh, three months later.  But I think it was because I was so excited that there was less pain everywhere and I kind of forgot).

He did a brief examination in which he touched my arm in various muscle group areas and where I yelled “Ow, ow, ow.  Please stop touching me!”  That typically makes him laugh because it’s pretty difficult to adjust someone if you can’t touch them.  Turns out that every single muscle group is inflamed.  And that my rotator cuff is doing something it isn’t supposed to do (I’m not exactly sure what that is – something about it is impinged?  And out of alignment?).  He asked me if I had ever heard of the rotator cuff and my immediate thought was of baseball pitchers and how you’re always hearing about how they did something to their rotator cuff and were on the bench because of it.

It leads to the question how exactly did this happen to me?  I’m right handed.  I have not pitched a baseball (or softball or any other type of ball) in years (at least 23).  How is it possible that my left arm has decided to pretty much separate from my dang body?  Okay, yes, I am exaggerating but seriously, when have you ever known me not to exaggerate?  Am I lurking around baseball fields in my sleep?

It pretty much means that I have to stop sleeping on my left side.  That could be part of the problem.   Next week I’ll be learning exciting new exercises because, while he can treat the arm, it makes it difficult to have any improvement while it is so inflamed.

Still Pretty in Pink but ticking me off a little

In other news, I am still loving my new iPod and discovering new music.  Beth gave me iTunes gift cards for Christmas and they made me so very happy.  I have purchased a ton of music, mainly stuff I haven’t listened to in years (Like Dan Seals Greatest Hits (I was quite fond of Country during the 80’s and saw him in concert.  It was awesome)) and some new music (more Country.  George Strait River of Love (really, really good) and SHeDAISY Don’t Worry About a Thing (makes me happy even though I am still worried about things) plus Pink’s Who Knew which makes me sad but it is still really pretty.  There are other songs but those are sticking out in my mind right now).  But the question I have to ask, now that I have loaded all these new songs on to my iPod, does she insist on playing Merle Haggard and the Eagles?  And Chicago.  I am so sick of Chicago.

For example, I just hit the next button and it was Merle Haggard, Herman’s Hermits (oh shut up), The Eagles, Neil Diamond, Neil Diamond, Merle Haggard, The Doors, The Doors.  Where is my new music?  And yes, I have to create a new playlist but that is not the point.  Read my mind, iPod.  Your cousin manages to read Beth’s.

On a happier note, I did load the South Park Christmas Album and was just reminded of how much I love It’s Christmas Time in Hell.  Awesome.

Sucked into Mindless Consumerism

Keem and I went shopping this weekend and joined Sam’s Club.  Yeah, like I really needed 45 peanut butter and cheese crackers (but I did get the sequel to Inkheart and am loving it.  Bless you, Cornelia Funke).  We also went to Target where I forgot to pick up my prescription for Happy Pills (been out for about a month.  Surprised I haven’t killed anyone yet) but did buy a rice cooker.  I fell in love with Beth’s during the great Scrapbooking Extravaganza.  Her’s is through Pampered Chef and is microwavable.  Mine is not, it is by Rival but I can steam vegetables and rice together and that is awfully exciting.  I look forward to breaking it out tonight.

I am trying something Sheryl from Paper Napkin is doing.  Instead of dieting, she’s making substitutions.  I am trying this and instead of Mountain Dew last week, I had Diet Coke.  I am beginning to like the taste of Diet Coke which is just freakin’ wrong.  I also picked up a 12 pack of Tab yesterday (and just realized that I am right, there is a difference in the taste, they replaced the Sacharin with NutraSweet.  Huh.  Do I like it?  Maybe.  Would I be happier if it was Mountain Dew?  Yes.  But I’m being strong.  Damn it.

Of course, substitution does not work in your favor if you decide to eat all 45 packets of the crackers instead of your lean fire roasted vegetables/three cheese ravioli from Market Pantry (okay, not 45 packets.  I am exaggerating again).  Or my weight in cookies instead of rice and broccoli.  But dang it, Joe sent them to me and they were yummy.

Hope you all had a good weekend!

So my exciting trip to LaCrosse has so far been kind of a bust. Keem and I left work early yesterday and we were off. I was excited about the chance of eating her mother’s Chinese Hot Dish (which is very much what my Grandmother used to make but we called it Chow Mein).

Keem and her parents went out to dinner with her aunt and uncle and cousins. I did not go. I was invited but, let’s face it, I’m kind of anti-social. The thought of meeting new people kind of bothers me. I’m not sure why. Once I actually meet the people, I’m fine but I don’t look forward to doing it. So when I was offered the chance to stay home, play on the computer and hang out on my own, I was all for it.
Today, Keem, her mother and I headed to Majestic Pines for some fun. Except I was sitting in the back seat and started to feel sick. Usually I can combat car sickness by reading but it wasn’t going away. Kathy (Keem’s mom) was surprised to hear that I get car sick if I don’t read. Everyone else is the exact opposite. I’ve always been able to read in the car.
Keem and my former roommate Jeff called right when we pulled up to the casino. We talked to him for a little bit and then went inside. Some woman admired my shirt and another woman told me how much she loved my purse. And it was her birthday. Oh, and she was kind of drunk. I figured that out when she kept fondling my purse. I waved goodbye to the money I had earmarked for the casino and then we headed back to LaCrosse.

I was not feeling good again and really felt sick to my stomach. I was sipping my Orange Hi-C that we got from McDonalds this morning and all of sudden I knew what was going to happen. I gasped out “I’m going to throw up.” Kathy looked at me and said “Oh, you don’t want to do that.” I replied “No, I really don’t.”

Another sip of Hi-C, trying to calm my stomach and then I ripped the lid off the glass and proceeded to start throwing up. It was lots and lots of fun. Kathy pulled over and I heaved all over the side of the road for awhile.
That was fun. Woo-hoo!
It helped though. Right now I feel better, still slightly sick but a good dinner of Brats and roasted potatoes has helped. But I think I’m going to bed early tonight. Hopefully tomorrow will go as planned, a trip to Shopko where I hope to find the newest JD Robb book on sale.

I hope you’re having a much better weekend.

Nothing that exciting going on here except that I have been sick and by sick I mean suffering from some sort of plague that has turned my life into an adventure. Not Adventure In Babysitting but more of an adventure titled Will Dana Make It To The Bathroom In Time? And the answer is, for those of you dying to know, is No. Not always. That is all I am going to say about this except for the fact that you know, maybe Pepper Jack cheese is not the best breakfast choice.

Still waiting to hear about the QA position.* Keem did not get the Supervisor position (either one of them) but did have her interview for Training and that appeared to go well.

*No longer waiting to hear about the QA position. I got it!!!!!! Yay! I am very excited. I start officially on November 1st.

Anyway, stole this from Miss Melissa because it was fun and I needed something to do. I am bored, bored, bored because I don’t have any new books to read. Well, that’s not true, I do have some but they are not what I want to read. I want something witty and fun and joyful, not a depressing book about some 12 year old who had a really crappy life and then shot someone. I’m the type of person that has to finish a book once I start it but I am really tempted to stop before it gets any more soul-wrenching. It’s well written but my God, I just want to scoop this poor kid up and save him.

What’s the scariest movie you’ve ever seen?

I don’t like gore so I very rarely ever watch it. Some of the ones that really have freaked me out were “Scary Movie 3 (I know it was a spoof on Scary Movies but it was still scary so shut up)”, “The Eyes of Laura Mars (saw it when I was 12, about a woman who can see through the eyes of a killer)”, “Stir of Echoes (my sister insisted on watching it and so I hung out in the bathroom and watched part of it through the crack in the door)” and “The Watcher in the Woods.” That one was very frightening. It had a very psychological feel to it and was spooky more than scary. I still can remember parts of it and it just creeped me out. Best scary movie ever? The Spiral Staircase. Black and white movie about a serial killer who is after women with deformities. The main character is a woman who can’t talk due to a traumatic event and he is after her as well.

What was your favorite Halloween costume as a child?

I don’t remember. My favorite costume as an adult was Queen of the Universe. Complete with stars velcroed onto my shirt, construction paper crown, etc.

Given enough money what would be your fantasy Halloween costume?

Queen of the Universe. But, you know, there would be the actual Queen of the Universe salary to go with the costume. And real stars. I would SPARKLE!

When was the last time you went trick-or-treating?

How am I expected to remember this? Um, yesterday when I hit up Keem’s candy dish?

What is your favorite Halloween candy?

I’m quite fond of the mini Reese’s peanut butter cups but I also like milk duds. Pretty much as long as the chocolate is covering something, I like it. Plain chocolate? Blech.

Tell us about a scary nightmare you once had?

Oh, there was the one where the neighbors had an evil old man living in their basement and he had a giant oven where he would cremate people. There was the evil woman who turned all of her rivals into statues (that was probably after seeing some stupid movie about Heracles and how this woman turned her lovers into statues after she was done with them but lost out on his love so she dove into the statue making stuff herself). There were the aliens. There was the serial killer…have I mentioned that I have an overactive imagination?

What is your supernatural fear?

I’m afraid of vampires. They’re out there. Lurking. But if the vampires happen to be Angel and/or Spike, I’m okay with them. And Henry from Blood Ties. He’s kind of hot. I like the cop better though.

What is your ‘creepy-crawly’ fear?

Clowns. Insects. Republicans (oh, like you’d be able to resist listing that).

Tell us about a time when you saw a ghost, or heard something go bump in the night?

So my friend LeeAnn and I have this apartment in North Saint Paul. One night I’m in the living room and I see something out of the corner of my eye. Someone (I assume it is LeeAnn) is going to the bathroom. This happens on and off for a few hours. Either she is really thirsty or has the bladder the size of a pea. But for some reason, something compels me to stare straight at the television and not turn my head at all.

The next morning I ask her why she kept visiting the bathroom. The answer? “I didn’t leave my room once I went to bed.” Then she asks me why I came into her room and shut her window. Uh, I didn’t. Sure enough, the window over her bed is shut, the one across the room is still open. Odd. Plus, she said that when this person came into the room, LeeAnn found herself unable to open her eyes.

We figured out we had a ghost, not overly surprising, it is an apartment complex, I’m sure someone has died here. I name him Mr. Ghost. Sometimes I can see him out of the corner of my eye. Mainly he just hung around and rattles the door when he wanted to leave the room (Figures I have the only ghost in the history of ghosthood who cannot walk through walls). And before you say it’s the wind, all the windows were closed.

Would you stay overnight in a real haunted house?

Depends. Are the ghosts friendly? Or are they the type to fly around and try to scare you out of the house? Friendly I can handle. Scary and I do not mix well.

Are you a traditionalist or a creative carver of your Jack-O’Lantern?

I would like to say that I am creative and that my pumpkins are fantastic and you will see them on those emails that get forwarded around to everyone but the truth is that I’m not very artistic. My pumpkins, even the traditional ones, look like a slightly deranged 2 year old got a hold of a knife.

How much do you decorate your house at Halloween?

Don’t. I have a fake pumpkin somewhere. Keem decorates her desk. Does that count?

What do you want on your tombstone?

Pepperoni and Sausage. Yes, yes, dumb joke. Sorry.

No, actually I found this quote that I absolutely loved and I would like that on my tombstone.

Don’t cry because it’s over – smile because it happened. – Dr. Seuss.

Is that not the most fitting thing ever?

Anyway, if you want to do this, go ahead. Let me know because I like memes. I am a dork.

I’m pretty sure there is an ancient Chinese curse that says “May you live in Interesting Times.” Sheesh, I don’t know who I ticked off lately but back off, already.

This was my weekend. In bullet points, because that just makes everything more exciting.

  • Keem decides to leave me and head home to La Crosse for the weekend (it might be Lacrosse but I can never remember correctly). We had been talking about going to the Ren Fest but hey, no big. Maybe I’ll call Beth and see if she wants to scrapbook Saturday night.
  • Or not. Maybe instead I will break out in hives again. I think I might have grabbed a shirt that wasn’t rewashed or maybe someone hates me. Fortunately I did take a Benadryl right away (bless you, makers of Benadryl) and the hives were stopped in their tracks. The itching wasn’t but I didn’t end up covered in big red and white blotches. I did learn an important fact. If you start bleeding, you are scratching too hard.
  • I spent the evening eating a huge Caesar salad w/chicken breast from Quizno’s (and yes, I do know that Caesar dressing is terribly fattening and not really good for you but I don’t care. Their dressing is quite possibly the best dressing ever. It is peppercorn flavored crack. I would inhale it if, you know, it wasn’t a liquid and would cause me to start choking) and playing Age of Empires III. When I wasn’t watching the Burn Notice marathon on USA and wondering who is cuter, Michael who is played by some guy I don’t know or Sam who is played by Bruce Campbell. Mmm, Bruce Campbell. Ahoy indeed (Old Spice commercial reference to those who think I may have gone insane). Oh and petting the cat and telling him that I’m sorry that Keem has abandoned him but Life will go on. He is not convinced.
  • Saturday. Not so much itchy but feeling sick to my stomach, sniffly, coughing. Cancel the thought of going scrapbooking.
  • You know what would be good at 8:45 PM? Parsnips! Parsnips sliced thinly and sauteed in a little butter. Yummy.
  • Did I just hear a knock at the door?
  • Yes, I did. Do I know this woman (as I peer out the peep hole)? I don’t think I do but she just waved so maybe I do. I will open the door.
  • Okay, don’t know her. She is a low talker so I can’t understand a single thing she is saying except “boyfriend” and “hiding.” Is her boyfriend abusive? She needs a place to hide? I’m not sure I feel comfortable with this.
  • Hey! Wait a second! I didn’t invite you in. You can’t just walk in! This is against all the rules! Well, you’re not a vampire, at least.
  • The next 15-20 minutes are spent figuring out that no, actually, she’s not hiding from her boyfriend. She’s hiding from the police! I am harboring a fugitive! Oh my GOD! Grab large knife to chop parsnips with. Stay in kitchen with hot saucepan and knife where I can beat the heck out of her if needed. She wanders around and talks about how she was a cheerleader at South Saint Paul High, her life took a downward spiral after her husband tried to kill her and suceeded in killing himself, her name is Gina, her boyfriend is 54 to her 32. She doesn’t know how to sit properly in a chair and manages to fall out of it and knock it over. Eddy doesn’t like her and takes off. She makes a few phone calls and then cries a lot after she talks to her mom.
  • Okay, enough is enough. Get out. I tell her I am expecting someone to come over and need to start getting ready. You have to leave.
  • She’s gone. Parsnips are done. Eat parsnips.
  • Don’t call cops or building security because, hello, that would make sense.
  • Go back and play Age of Empires. Die, you British scum! Die! You can’t make me tell you where the Fountain of Youth is!
  • Sunday. Eat more parsnips. Talk to Kari. Talk to Keem. Talk to my Mom. All are stunned that I didn’t report crazy lady. Get lectured. Keem is on her way home. Yay!
  • Keem is home. Lecture, lecture, lecture. Lecture. Lecture, lecture, lecture. Don’t let strange people into the house, Dana. Got it.
  • Don’t feel good. Really don’t feel good. What’s wrong? Dizzy. Headachy. Nauseated. I’d check to see what my blood sugar level is but guess what? I forgot my monitor at work. I am an idiot.
  • Call Beth. Can’t go out. Really don’t feel good. Is it a cold? I don’t know.
  • Eat something (turkey burgers with carrots). Feel somewhat better but still achey, sneezy, etc. Keem tells me I am probably getting sick combined with possible low blood sugar and hey, if I start feeling like this again, maybe I should eat something. Yes, ma’am.
  • Go to bed. Sleep.

That was my weekend. Odd. Weird. Somewhat frightening at one point. Hope yours was less eventful OR was eventful in a good way.

And I called the apartment office and reported Crazy Lady. Apparently she has a habit of this. She doesn’t live in the building but her boyfriend does. He’s being evicted for reasons just like this, as Marcia put it “His life has taken a chemical turn.” Hmm, can you say drugs? I can! And Marcia was on her way to go to court to get him out because he’s fighting the eviction. AND! Get this. He lives on the 24th floor! What was she doing on my floor? Weirdness!

I’ve decided on a new category to explain stuff like this. Risky Business, one of the only movies I liked Tom Cruise in, has one of my favorite quotes. Miles, the guy who also played Booger in the Revenge of the Nerds movies, is freaking out just a tad about their adventure. Miles is also the guy who advises Tom Cruise’s character that sometimes you just have to say What the F*ck. So this quote really sums up some of the things that happen to me. “I don’t believe this! I’ve got a trig midterm tomorrow, and I’m being chased by Guido the killer pimp.”

An open letter to my body:

Dear body,

I have the strips to monitor my glucose level now. This is good. What is not good is that you decide to release a very miserly amount of blood, not enough to fill up the strip and then I have to use a new one. Fortunately I have 100 strips and unlimited refills until next year. However, this is no excuse. I don’t like needles. It takes awhile to get up the nerve to jab myself. Please start cooperating.

And what is up with the gigantic cold sore? Or should I say 3 cold sores? All clustered in the same area? All red and puffy and glaringly obvious? Let’s quote Mitch Hedberg here. “When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don’t know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It’s like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.”

I would also like to be more alert during the day. I’m not a big fan of coffee so if you could cooperate here, that would be great.

I do appreciate your decision to actually like the following healthy items – rice cakes, low-carb tortilla wraps (so good I may never eat bread again), ground turkey, fat free chocolate milk and etc. Now if we could work up a way to burn calories while blogging, that would be great. Get on that for me, okay?

Thanks for your time,

Dana

Monitorings are good – 208, 205, 177, 198 this morning. Sticking to the diet (wait! Don’t use that word. You know how the body reacts to that word. It’s a lifestyle change! Change! Not diet! Look body, here’s something shiny!) for the most part. A slip or two but nothing major. Things are good. Well, except for this cold sore. And I have to do laundry tonight. Laundry sucks.

How are you all?

Keem and I went to my doctor’s office this morning for a class on dealing with Diabetes. It was interesting. Most of the stuff we talked about I already knew from Weight Watchers and it just convinced Keem and I that we either need to go back or start following the program on our own. The woman running the class, Janet, said that Weight Watchers is the only program she will recommend because it is based on the American Diabetes something something.

Got caught in a hail storm on the way back. Don’t think there was any damage to the car. Let’s keep our fingers crossed.

Anyway, hope you’re all well. Have a great day.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Dinner – Lettuce, dressing, smattering of cheese and bacon, chicken, sausage
Snack – No snack! Yay! I was full!
Glucose levels – Evening 223 (serious drop! Yay)

Thursday, September 13, 2007
Breakfast – Yogurt (strawberry, blueberry)
Lunch 2 pieces of pizza (very small, just tiny squares), Weight Watchers Swedish meatballs (which were horrible, the meatballs were weird tasting and the noodles were mushy. Won’t be buying that again. Lean Cusine’s is so much better).
Glucose levels – Morning 236. WTF? Oh, wait, I took this after I already ate some of my yogurt. That makes sense.

Hi. Do not laugh but do you know what I’m doing between calls? Searching the Eating Well cookbook to find fun and exciting recipes for me! Because I’m diabetic! Yay! Okay, I know that sounds weird, really I do, but you will not believe how this has galvanized me into action. I had salad last night. And I liked it (although I do really like salad but normally we buy the bagged stuff and then it just sits there. This time we actually bought two different heads of lettuce (romaine and something else but it is a spring green and I love it. Endive? Possibly). Plus Keem made chicken breast to go over it. And tonight we will have salad again. Yay! Salad is good! Plus, instead of eating the entire pint of Haagen Daz’s incredibly wonderful Light Mint Chocolate Chip as I am normally wont to do, I only had a 1/4. Save some for later, Dana! You’re not going to get this every night as you have done in the past!

I am also aware of the whole carbohydrates = sugar = high blood sugar = BAD! So Keem and I working on cutting out a lot of carbs but not all of them because everyone has to eat carbs. I just can’t have as many as I’ve ate in the past.

Anyway, have to keep track of what I eat and my monitor readings so guess what – you get to see them as well…

September 11, 2007
Brunch (fasting for doctor’s appointment) – 3 brats, 1 1/2 buns, onions, mustard
Snack – 10 Juju coins, 1 mini Reese Peanut Butter cup (Elvis style – not bad, actually, considering that there is banana flavoring)
Dinner – Big salad, green onions, smattering of bacon and cheese, Light Done Right 3 Cheese Ranch (best ranch dressing ever), chicken breast
Snack – 1/4 pint of Haagen Daz Light Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream (you would never know that it has half the calories of regular ice cream. It is so good. I’m so used to diet/low fat/low calorie stuff tasting terrible but this is even better than the full-fat version)
Monitorings of glucose level – Morning 225. Evening 286.

September 12, 2007
Breakfast – 2 servings of Dannon Activa yogurt (1 strawberry, 1 blueberry)
Snack – 1 green apple, 1 dollop of caramel (small dollop. The container of caramel is a snack size, very hard to figure out sizes on Simon Delivers unless you know your ounces. I’m learning. I suppose the fact that it was 99 cents should have been a clue)
Lunch – Weight Watcher’s Smart One: Creamy Rigatoni with Broccoli & Chicken
Monitorings of glucose level – Morning 258

I’m also on some new medication called glucosogage or something. Hopefully it will help.

Oh, and if you’re not reading Geese Aplenty, you should be. He doesn’t post often but when he does, oh my Lord, do I start laughing. Here is an example from today’s post about giving blood:

Medical assistant who conducted my pre-interview: “Now, be sure to call this number if you get sick over the week and you want to warn us about a potential problem with your donation. For example, let us know if you come down with small pox, malaria, or republicanism.”

The co-workers think I’m insane again.

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