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We received an email today from our supreme commander (boss’s boss’s boss’s boss) that one of my co-workers passed away. His name was Kelly and he was a sweet and funny man. I didn’t know him that well (since he was up there in the high echelons of the company) but he always had a smile for me and would occasionally ask me if I was still going to karaoke (which was something that was brought up in my first “Welcome to NABABNA Stock Transfer” meeting four years ago).

I am leaving work early today because I started crying when talking to my boss (the awesome Cheryl). I’m crying now. I’m trying to stop but there’s so many things piling up on me again. It’s the end of the month so there was a lot of stress over getting all of my calls monitored. I updated 20 items in our Internal Library which took me all day. When I got the email, I started thinking about how I would feel if anything happened to Cheryl. And, of course, I keep forgetting to take my Effexor. Cheryl said she’s going to add that to my job requirements. Maybe if my raise rides on it, I’ll remember (yes, she’s kidding).

Have a good night. Don’t die. I hate it when people die.

On a lighter note, last night I opened up the mail box and was incredibly excited to see this:

I love www.despair.com with all my heart. Is that wrong?

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A sign of the impending apocalypse

I was listening to the radio the other day and a song came on. This is actually not that surprising. Radios = music (well, in my world. Not in the world of those people who like the news or talk radio*

(*Not that there’s anything wrong with that (unless you listen to Russ Limbaugh. I can’t stand him (Or Howard Stern for that matter (Is he even still on the air?)). Beth’s mom has MPR (Minnesota Public Radio) on the radio in her bathroom. The first time I walked in there and switched on the light, there was this deep voice and my response was “God?” And yes, I did figure out it was the radio.

Now if I have to go to the bathroom when I’m there, I’ll say that I’m going to go talk to God. Or respond to conversation with “God was just telling me about that upstairs.” It’s fun.).

Anyway, back to the sign of the impending apocalypse. This song came on the radio and I was seriously enjoying it. For a moment, I thought Lyndyrd Skynyrd had released a new version of Sweet Home Alabama and I was thrilled (I love Lyndyrd Skynyrd. What’s not to love? Southern Rock, um, (rocks for lack of a better word)).

And then I looked at the display on the radio. It read Kid Rock. All Summer Long. Not Lyndyrd Skynyrd. Not Sweet Home Alabama. Oh my God, no!

DM: How can I possibly like a Kid Rock song? This is wrong! WRONG!
Keem: It’s pretty good though.
DM: But Kid Rock!

There are those of you that will remember how Beth and I are absolutely convinced that “Picture” is the worst song ever and those who sing it at karaoke should be shot (Actually, I’m not sure Beth ever mentioned shooting people. That might just be me). So the fact that I like a Kid Rock song makes me feel that I am betraying my own karaoke rules. And I’m not sure how I feel about that.

**************************************
Why I should not be allowed to own scissors

Yes. I cut my hair again. But in my defense, I was provoked beyond reason. My hair was being irritating and aggravating. The worst part of this is that Keem sent me an email today that I didn’t figure out right away. And when I did figure it out, I was already half way through cutting off the pony tail (Former Boss Matt told me that’s how his brother used to cut his hair. Back when he had hair). And I’m buying a laptop (Yayayayayayay! My sister is awesome!) and thought this would be a good way to save some money (my budget has now gone from Tight to “Oh my God, I can’t spend any money for the next six months.”).

When I went over to see Keem and ask her if I was correct about her indicating that we could go and get our hair cut, she said yes. And then I silently turned around and showed her the back of my head. And then all of my co-workers silently (and not so silently) dissolved into laughter.

Martha: Dana? Did you cut your hair again?
DM: Um, yeah.
Jessica and Christy: You need to stop doing that!
Carla: What did you do?
DM: I kinda cut my hair.
Carla: How do you kinda cut your hair? Is that the same as being kinda pregnant?
Andrea: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Keem: Turn around.
Carla and Andrea: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I will post the before and after pictures for you. Keem said she would take the pictures tonight.

And here is the email. My explanation regarding my suggestions are included. I have bolded the text so it makes sense.

_____________________________________________
From: Keem
Sent: Wednesday, August 13, 2008 9:12 AM
To: DM
Subject: Since we aren’t doing laundry tonight…

Do you wanna (Insert something you’ve wanted here) …?

Keem
_____________________________________________
From: DM
Sent: Wednesday, August 13, 2008 9:14 AM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Since we aren’t doing laundry tonight…Inserting things I’ve wanted

Go to Senor Wong’s? (Best Chinese/Mexican food in the world and right in our building)
Go to the Library? (I’ve been trying to get her to take me here for years. No luck)
Go to the hardware store? (I have started making memo boards for people at work. I want to be able to add a magnetic section to it so I want metal (I also need tin snips because I have been trying to cut up mint tins. Regular scissors don’t work very well). Jo-Ann’s doesn’t sell metal that I could use as a magnet board)

Have yummy, yummy potatoes and garlic bread? (I’m thinking this is pretty self-explanatory. But, if you were not aware, Keem is the best cook in the world. And we went to the Farmer’s Market on Sunday where I bought Roasted Garlic baguettes)

DM

_____________________________________________
From: Keem
Sent: Wednesday, August 13, 2008 9:20 AM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Since we aren’t doing laundry tonight…Inserting things I’ve wanted

No.
NO!
NO to the Nth degree.
Emphatically no.
Probably not.

Try again…

Keem

_____________________________________________
From: DM
Sent: Wednesday, August 13, 2008 9:22 AM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Since we aren’t doing laundry tonight…Inserting things I’ve wanted

Work late? (I’m running out of PTO and have Friday off (doctor’s appointment). I have to make up time)
Sit across the street and take pictures? (Discussed this morning on our way to work. There is a park that overlooks the Mississippi River)

Get our new badges? (Pogo reference)

DM

_____________________________________________
From: Keem
Sent: Wednesday, August 13, 2008 10:10 AM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Since we aren’t doing laundry tonight…Inserting things I’ve wanted

I am so sorry that you took your hair into your own hands. I can’t believe you didn’t get that that was what I was trying to say to you. 🙂 (This is obviously after I showed her my hair.)

Keem

_____________________________________________
From: DM
Sent: Wednesday, August 13, 2008 10:13 AM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Since we aren’t doing laundry tonight…Inserting things I’ve wanted

You can’t be cryptic with me! My brain doesn’t respond to cryptic! (It really doesn’t. I can sometimes pick up on it but it requires a lot of effort. And I prefer to use that effort for solving murder mysteries (not real ones, ones in books and on television))

No biggie. Will you take a picture of my hair before we go so I can blog about this?

DM
_____________________________________________
From: Keem
Sent: Wednesday, August 13, 2008 10:26 AM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Since we aren’t doing laundry tonight…Inserting things I’ve wanted

Yeah. I think that you also need to do the emails too.

Keem

To put it simply, yesterday I ended up in a co-worker’s office crying. A lot of things have led up to this:

  • I haven’t been sleeping well. I’m still a little stuffed up and that has an effect on how well the CPAP works. It takes longer for me to fall asleep and I keep waking up because I can hear myself breathing and it’s very annoying.
  • We’ve been very busy at work. Thursday Jessica and I had to get ready for a conference call with another group and I got really behind because I was distracted by my co-workers. I felt like I had let Jessica down because she had to work harder to help me catch up. Fortunately she had made a mistake about the time of the meeting so we had another hour.
  • During the conference call, it became apparent that the other group seems to think that their job is just sooo difficult and that Jessica and I have nothing else to do but answer every single question they have instead of them reading the handouts that have been prepared for them. Believe me, you haven’t lived until you hear someone say “Well, how am I possibly supposed to know that?” You respond with “Did you check this?” And their response is “Why can’t you just tell me?” Unfortunately you can’t shout at them “Do your frickin’ job, you moron!” People frown on that.
  • Meanwhile, during the time we were getting ready for the conference call, several catastrophes took place and messages were sent to our Intranet site (a resource library for reps, part of my job is updating it). When the meeting was over, I pulled up my email to find a total of 15 messages in the library inbox & 25 in my own inbox. Yay!
  • Since I’d been sick since Christmas, I hadn’t been able to spend much time with Beth so I really looked forward to seeing her Thursday night. Going to karaoke with her and seeing James & Liz was a lot of fun but I had the worst time falling asleep when I got home. I stared at the clock until about 4:00, woke up at 5:00, 6:00 and 7:00. Keem woke me up at 7:45. I was so tempted to call in sick but told myself no!
  • Cheryl asked me to go to a meeting at 1 PM because of a crisis that took place this week with one of our new companies. I hate meetings. I get why they are important but honestly, if I could, I’d rather stay at my desk and do my work without having to talk to anyone. Plus, I was so tired at this point, I knew staying awake in the meeting would be difficult.
  • Kari had left me a message Thursday night and I didn’t get it until it was too late to call her. So I called her Friday and left me a message. She called me back and told me my Aunt Rita had passed away, Uncle Jerry’s wife and my godmother.
  • I flagged Cheryl down and told her. She asked me if I wanted to go home and I said no, I’d be fine.

Heh. Yeah, that was a mistake.

About 15 minutes later, I was wandering around, trying to find Cheryl and trying to keep the tears from pouring down my face. I had heard she was in the other Jessica’s office (first there were the two Cheryls, now I have two Jessicas. Sigh. This Jessica is a manager, the other Jessica also works in the Quality department with me). She wasn’t. Manager Jessica is one of the most beautiful women I know – not just because she’s gorgeous but because she’s so sweet and funny. She right away knew something was wrong (possibly the heavy sigh I let out when I slumped into the chair next to her desk gave it away, I don’t know).

With a sob, everything came pouring out.

DM: My aunt died and I’m really tired and I haven’t been sleeping and I’m so busy and kind of overwhelmed and I know it’ll get better but it just doesn’t seem to be stopping with the busy and some of my co-workers are so loud and I can’t concentrate and…

Her face was so sympathetic.

DM: And I found a dead squirrel in the parking ramp.
MJ: What?
DM: He was just lying there. His tail was over his head and it made me sad. I like squirrels.

Jessica bursts into laughter. It makes me smile.

DM: I asked Keem if he would frolic again in Heaven. She said yes.
MJ: Are you going to be okay?
DM: Yeah. I think I just need to go home and get some sleep.

I found Cheryl and let her know I had to go home. She was very understanding. I do not think I told her about the squirrel. I might have (I had this awesome post started about how tragedy struck the parking ramp and now I’ve ruined it but these things happen).

Anyway, I’m doing better now. I did get a little sleep yesterday. The funeral is Monday morning where we’ll be saying goodbye to both Uncle Jerry and Aunt Rita (he wanted to be cremated and his ashes will be buried with her (which is sweetly romantic to me)).

It’s been busy at work this month. I have more calls to monitor than last month and I’m also responsible for helping with the updating of our internal web page resource so I’m torn. Monitor calls or update the resource where the reps are getting their information from. I’ll learn how to juggle things soon, I hope.

————————————————

I have a new Co-worker who sits by me. She’s a very sweet girl and has been very nice to me (will massage my back when she can tell I’m extra stressed out, has bought me lunch a few times when I was between paychecks and she just happened to be headed over to Subway, has brought in a glazed donut that she picked out especially for me because she knows I love them (and then told me I couldn’t have Mountain Dew because I had a donut and I can only have sugar in moderation)) and we’re even joking that her unborn child will be Jamie and my grandchild (since I also have decided I want grandchildren without the trouble of having children) because she is young enough to be my daughter. I mentioned that she’s very sweet, right? Really, really sweet.

She’s driving me insane. She is, in a word, perky. Or peppy. Or, and this is my personal favorite, annoying as all fuck. Oh, wait, that’s not one word? Too bad.

On Halloween she came over to my desk and expressed dismay that I had not dressed up.

I, being the cranky bitch that I am, responded with something along the lines that “I don’t dress up.”*

*When I told Beth, James and Liz this, they responded with a lot of “Hello, do you remember your Queen of the Universe costume?” and “What? You do!” until I had to say “I forgot, okay?” and then they responded with “Well, why didn’t you just tell her that” and I finally said “Because I don’t like her! She annoys me!”**

**It’s not so much that she’s annoying as that she is relentless in her cheeriness.

I like to delude myself that I am a upbeat person. I can be upbeat. I can be optimistic. Sometimes I even walk around and sing songs. They are usually random songs and may consist a lot of la’s but still…they are songs.

Beth called me a cynic once & I was horribly insulted.

DM: I am not a cynic! I’m an optimist. I’m optimistic! I am!
Beth: Dana, your favorite website is despair.com.

I like to maintain that this is not the point. How can you not like despair.com? It’s the best website ever! Some of my favorites – Motivation, Madness, Burnout, Bitterness, Pessimism, Power and Wishes. I own Motivation and Burnout in the attractive Desktopper. I also own the coffee mug that says “This glass is exactly half empty.”

Hmm. Maybe I am a cynic.

Anyway, when I was promoted, part of the requirement was that I move to a new desk. This was exciting for me because, hello, new shiny desk! I like moving (I just hate the whole moving process). And, as much as I hate to admit it, moving is one of the things that will get me to clean (or throw a lot of crap into boxes at the last minute).

I found out where I was going to be sitting and liked the location. I’m close to Keem’s new desk, right across the aisle from co-worker Jessica (she’s the other QA person here) & close to a bunch of cool people.

Guess who is now sitting across the aisle from me on my left? Go ahead. Guess.

Why, yes, that is right. It’s co-worker Viviacious (fake name but pretty close to her real name).

When she found out we were going to be row-mates, she was very excited.

V: Yay! And we can talk to each other and braid each other’s hair and…
DM: I am going to kill you.

The next day, I was walking down the hall & she grabbed my arm and cuddled up against me.

V: Hi, neighbor! This is so exciting! We can have slumber parties and…
DM: Please stop touching me. I will have to kill you now.
V: Why?
DM: Because…because…um…because you’re perky!

She finds this hilarious and starts saying things like this to drive me insane.

Our first day next to each other, she tells me about a dream she had.

V: So you, Alec Baldwin & I are running a race.
DM: I’m assuming I lost.
V: No, we both did. Surprisingly, Alec Baldwin is very fast.

I lost it. She was just so matter-of-fact about it.

Last month, I was complaining to Beth about this new seating arrangement and how she is driving me nuts (Vivacious, not Beth) and what am I going to do?

Beth: I hate to tell you this, Dana, but she sounds like a lot of fun.
DM: She is! But that’s not the point!

Co-worker Eric is very amused by this. He wants emails about the struggles. He’s expecting ones from her that are all “lalalalalala” and ones from me that are all “make her stop!!! Make her stop!!!”

It’s been almost two months now. So far I’ve let her live. I even let her hug me.

Co-worker V: Lalalalala (I have no idea what she was saying, I was trying to ignore it).
DM: Do you ever shut up?
Keem: Dana! That’s mean!
DM: What? I let her hug me. I get to be mean to her for the rest of the day. It’s our rule.
Co-worker V: Yep.

You know what the worst part about this is? The fact that she reminds me of me and how I used to drive Former Boss Mike crazy with my random la’s. I guess Karma really does get you in the end.

————————————————

Co-worker Laurie sent this to me today, knowing I’d get a chuckle from it. And I did. So I’m posting it. Which is pretty much what my title says anyway but, hey, I am all about stating the obvious.

The pastor asked if any one in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, ‘I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.’

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She continued, ‘Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They
were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.’

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, ‘Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say with time, his scrotum should recover completely.’ All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, ‘I’m Jim and I want to tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN, the word is STERNUM.’

Hee.

Carol Vittum proudly announces the wedding of her daughter, Dana Marie Vittum, to Jamie Something or Another Jones (because he’s too afraid to have his real name on here, in case someone Googles him. Wimp).

The couple work together at NABABNA and decided to get married when Ms. Vittum proposed (and I quote) by saying “Jamie, I have decided we should get married. I want to get married before I die. You can still date.”

The couple will continue to reside in their separate domiciles since Ms. Vittum wishes to “be married but not actually live with someone (except Keem (and Eddy))”. They will be married by Bryan McDonald, atheist preacher and karaoke host. Big ticket items such as Plasma televisions and El Caminos are requested as wedding gifts.

The date is set for sometime in the future. Perhaps at Como Zoo, even though Mr. Jones seems to think that because he is a bigwig at the Minnesota Zoo, the wedding should take place there. Ms. Vittum scoffs at this.

Please join us in our celebration of a marriage of convenience.

Past
Hanging out with Beth a few weeks ago

When I was over at Beth’s a few weeks ago, I had brought over the Photo Stack 2. Those of you who do not scrapbook may not be aware of the incredible offerings in the Paper Industry. There are scrapbook pages that are pictures of stuff. This is so cool. Except sometimes, well, they are a little weird, the pages.


Not that you’re really going to see the weirdness when you look at this picture but trust me. It’s there.

DM: Well, I know I don’t need burlap for Evora.
B: No, but it’ll really come in handy when you win that 3 legged race.

DM: This is pretty (it’s a picture of a softly lit, glowing forest).
B: Yeah, if you ever actually run into leprecauns and fairies.

B: I watched The Graduate recently.
DM: I’ve never actually seen that. Norman Fell was in it.
B: Who’s Norman Fell?
DM: Mr. Roper.
B: Blank stare.
DM: Three’s Company.
B: Pick something from my generation. Oh, that was mean. But damn funny.

We decided to drink some Sparkling Juice Beth had purchased when we had made our excursion to Ikea. Beth has a lot of different glasses from a company called Princess House. For a woman who doesn’t drink, she seems to have many glasses you would serve alcohol in. We decided to live it up and drink out of wine glasses. Later, we decided to try the brandy snifter.

DM: God, that’s great fake brandy.

I found some quotes I had purchased awhile ago.

DM (sarcastically): Oh. This is sooo sweet. Brothers by birth, friends by choice.
B: Are you ever going to use that?
DM: No. Do you have a use for it.
B: Yes.

I hand it to her. She takes it and starts shredding it. She hands the pieces to me.

B: There. Now you have confetti.
DM (sarcastically again): Oh, look. I tripped over your love & fell. Who writes this crap?
B: I…and your purse is fucking huge anyway.

And that’s all she said. Completely apropos of anything.

It makes sense now. She’s actually making a planner for 2008 and was wondering if people could carry it in their purse.

A quick update to Cat Watch ’07.

It’s over. Sebastian has been returned to his family.

I called them yesterday at about 4 PM.

Eric (the brother in law): Hey, Dana. How are you?
DM: I’m good. Happy birthday.
Eric: Thanks.
DM: I’m sorry I missed it but you were gone (his birthday was on the 3rd).
Eric: That’s okay.
DM: Did you have a good time on vacation?
Eric: Yes.
DM: Great. Now come get your Devil Cat.
Eric: What did he do now?

What did he do now? I’ll tell you what he did. He has decided that Eddy is now his bitch. Apparently on Saturday night, while I was over at Beth’s scrapbooking, Sebastian decided to start licking Eddy in a private area. And then, he climbed on top of Eddy, bit him on the back of the neck to hold him in place and started, well, the most tactful way to describe this would be “moving his groin in a thrusting manner.”

This wouldn’t be so bad if Eddy was enjoying Sebastian’s attention but no. There was yowling and what Keem described as the look of “Help me! Please help me!” She had to pick Sebastian up and move him away. Multiple times.

I got to witness this yesterday, a few minutes before I called Kari and Eric. Eddy was minding his own business, walking along, when Sebastian pounced. Eddy was not pleased. I managed to separate them and then had to chase Sebastian off to the other room while we petted Eddy in a soothing manner.

Eric found this amusing and called for Kari.

Eric: Sebastian thinks Eddy’s a girl.
Kari: What?
DM: Come get your Devil Cat.
Kari: What is he doing?
DM: He has violated my baby.
Kari: He did not.
DM: Yes. Yes, he did. I saw him.
Kari: But he’s neutered.
DM: So? I’ve seen this before.

I tell her about the cocker spaniel I once owned, Gabralynn (my friend’s daughter couldn’t pronounce Gabriel and the name stuck), and my cat Thomas. Apparently Gabers decided that Thomas was a small female dog. Thomas, on the other hand, decided Gabers was a large female cat. They would chase each other throughout the trailer, mounting each other whenever the urge struck them, usually in front of company. Both were neutered. And, since neither of them complained, we were fine with them expressing their love for each other. We would have been a lot more fine if they wouldn’t do this when my friend’s elderly and highly religious mother was over.

Elderly and Highly Religious Mother (EHRM): What are they doing?
Former friend (FF): They’re playing, mother. They’re just playing.
EHRM: I thought cats and dogs didn’t like each other.
FF: Well, these two are, um, yeah, Dana, would you put the dog outside, please?

Just call me Captain Obvious

Keem and I met up with Co-worker Elaine this morning. She told Keem an item we had ordered from her was available (I am a sap for supporting co-workers. I’ve bought Pampered Chef, PartyLite candles and now Close to Home) and she was also carrying a bag of calendars (her daughter works for a company that makes them so they always have lots of samples). Keem and I followed Co-worker Elaine to her desk.

Co-worker Holly observed this.

Co-worker Holly: Are you moving to our row now?
Co-worker Lisa: Cute haircut!*

*I have received many compliments about my haircut. Apparently chopping my own hair off works for me.

DM: Thanks (to Lisa). She has calendars (to Holly).
Co-worker Elaine: I’ll put these out later.

She sees me hovering.

Co-worker Elaine: Or I could put them out now.
DM: That would be good.
Keem: She can wait.
Co-worker Elaine: I’ll do it now.
Keem: Dana!
DM: What? I like calendars. They are pretty and tell me what date it is.

Apparently my co-workers found that amusing. But I say that I speak the truth.

I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job.
I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job.
I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job.
I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job.

I am not overwhelmed and pulling my hair out by the roots. Really. No, really. Cutting my bangs (again) doesn’t count. And yes, I did use a mirror this time. Unfortunately, if you are leaning over the desk to look in the mirror, it means that your bangs do not get cut evenly at eyebrow level. Try jagged and about 1-2 inches above eyebrow level. Matt (old boss) suggested that perhaps I should have learned my lesson the last time I did this. Apparently I did not. Right now my hand is inching towards the scissors so I can just cut the back so I don’t look like I have a mullet anymore. But I’m really afraid of what would happen. Maybe if I just put it in a pony tail and I’ll forget it is there, thwarting me. Or maybe I could just cut off the pony tail…hmm.

I think my hair needs an intervention. And, oops. The hands won. It’s a lot shorter in the back now. Keem is going to kill me.

But really, I love my job. I do.*

*Yes, I really do but co-worker Jessica just told me that she’s going to be out of the office from end of day on Wednesday until December 7th! Oh my God. I’m in charge of everything!!!!!! GAH! Where the heck is my inhaler??? Or a paper bag?

I just sat down with my new boss Cheryl (formerly my old boss Cheryl but new boss Cheryl left the department and then I got promoted and am working for old boss Cheryl again. Try to keep up, people) and the other QA monitor, co-worker Jessica, to discuss what my responsibilities will be with my brand new, exciting position. Apparently cloning myself is involved because the list of tasks that I have is, well, more than one person can do in a 40 hour work week. Which is why Jessica was telling us that she goes home and works for another two hours each night. Um, yikes.

I am sure that once I actually learn how to do all the tasks, I’ll be able to calm down. And I am excited that I get to work on exciting projects, involving working with Excel and Word. This is good. I like both of these things. But for now, I’m unable to formulate sentences that actually make sense so I will not be telling you about my exciting weekend and Beth’s puzzle updates*. That will have to wait for tomorrow.

*Don’t you just love it when I leave you hanging like that? I know you are avidly waiting to know what this is all about.

Oh, Udge is doing this and I am all about peer pressure and giving things to people so the first five commenters to sign up for the meme here and post the same promise on their blogs will receive a small present-like thing from me. It will help jumpstart the holiday spirit for me. You will have to provide me with your real name and address but please keep in mind that I don’t drive and so probably would not be able to stalk you. Unless I am able to convince the Greyhound bus driver to circle around your house obsessively. I think that’s unlikely. I have no idea what the small present-like thing will be but I must warn you, there is the chance you could receive a monkey sitting in a chair. I can be very strange. Just ask Beth.

This is from awhile ago, during Tax Season, to be exact. Ah, Tax Season. How I do not miss you, let me count the ways. One – you’re really, really annoying. Two – I hate you. The End.

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 9:45 AM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Argh!

Make the calls stop!

From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 10:02 AM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Argh!

I would like to do so but unfortunately, your request cannot be completed because it is Tax Season, also known as Hell.

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 11:31 AM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Argh!

Make tax hell stop!

_____________________________________________
From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 11:33 AM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Argh!

Um, last I checked, I was not the Princess of Darkness so I can’t. As Queen of the Universe, unfortunately, I do not have any dominion over the Underworld.

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 11:46 AM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Argh!

You are not the queen of the universe. Never have been, never will be. So, you don’t have any control whatsoever! 😛

From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 12:33 PM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Argh!

You are mean. You won’t let me throw my Ninja Cranberries at you.*

*Ocean Spray has these awesome commercials where there’s an older guy and a younger guy standing in a cranberry bog. The younger guy is kind of goofy and, in my favorite commercial, says “I think Cranberries are the Ninjas of the Fruit World.” And then he does this high kick and makes a martial art sort of sound. Cracks me up every time. Keem had come over when I was eating some Craisins and I wanted to throw them at her and make a martial art sort of sound. I am partial to “Wa!”

_____________________________________________
From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 12:34 PM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Argh!

I repel your ninja requests. You are not Ninja, therefore, you are unable to repel the Ninja cranberries. Besides wiich*, an inanimate object cannot be animate. It is an Oxymoron. Part oxy, part moron….wonder where the moron part comes from….

*that is an actual typo. It is not as fun as “You are igonring me” in which I replied “I do not know what an igon ring is or how to to igonring someone. As for ignoring you, no, I was in a call.” Igonring is now in our weird Dana/Keem vocabulary (in which Keem (Kim) is a part of. And wuter (water). And many other words that come and go, mainly created by me because I am weird. In case you didn’t know that.
_____________________________________________
From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 1:31 PM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Argh!

Ha. Ha. Ha to your moron part. I am not trying to repel the Ninja cranberries. And, according to your statement here, if I am not Ninja, you are also not Ninja so therefore YOU can’t repel the Ninja cranberries! Ha!

_____________________________________________
From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 1:36 PM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Argh!

What part in what I said states that I will repel the ninja cranberries using some sort of ninja move? I have a notebook. I can swat the ninja cranberries. You are reading more into what I said and it is not implied that I would use some sort of ninja tactic to repel said ninja cranberries. I am resourceful and do not need special ninja abilities to repel something unwanted. Ha!

_____________________________________________
From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 1:38 PM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Argh!

You said and I quote “I repel your ninja requests. You are not Ninja, therefore, you are unable to repel the Ninja cranberries.” This indicates that you are repelling my Ninja requests. And that since I cannot repel the Ninja cranberries, therefore you cannot repel the Ninja Cranberries. It is simple logic.

_____________________________________________
From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 1:59 PM
To: DM
Subject: HA!*

I can repel them if I wish. I have a protective, invisible force field that allows me to repel the ninja cranberries and any thing else ninjaish. So there!

*Notice how she changed the subject line? We do that a lot. We have been known to change the subject line five or six times in one email conversation. Sometimes we just send emails with no text, just subject lines. I do believe I mentioned we were weird, right?

From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 2:40 PM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: HA!

How did you get the protective, invisible force field? I don’t have a force field. I want one.

Mr. Calitri* is not a ninja so you can not repel him.

Oh, I was thinking you should name your chicken Eggs and your pig Ham. So you would have Ham and Eggs. Or Hamon. I kind of like Hamon.

*Mr. Calitri is my chicken. In order to irritate Keem, sometimes I will thrust him at her and tell her that he wants to kees (kiss (I like ee’s)) and peck at her. She hates that. If you were wondering just what exactly Mr. Calitri looks like, you can check my profile picture. And read this post, because it will explain a little more the oddness that is me.

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 3:07 PM
To: DM
Subject: RE: HA!

I like Ham and Eggs. That’s pretty good. I’ll consider it.

From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 3:16 PM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: HA!

Oooh! To really change it up, you could name your pig Eggs and the chicken Ham! That would be funny.

Sarah named her fish Chicken*.

*She did. Can you believe the length my friends will do to keep up the chicken conspiracy?

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 3:23 PM
To: DM
Subject: RE: HA!

That’s funny too. How about fish and chips? Or white meat and the other white meat… hee hee.

From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 3:24 PM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: HA!

I want you to know that I had to miss a call because I was laughing over white meat and the other white meat. That is hilarious.

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 3:23 PM
To: DM
Subject: RE: HA!

Yeah, well I almost busted a gut in the call because of your email pop up about laughing.

It is good to have this type of insanity to take place during Tax Hell. Hopefully I won’t have to actually take calls this year. New promotion and all and yet there’s still that chance that it might be required. Grr.

Nothing that exciting going on here except that I have been sick and by sick I mean suffering from some sort of plague that has turned my life into an adventure. Not Adventure In Babysitting but more of an adventure titled Will Dana Make It To The Bathroom In Time? And the answer is, for those of you dying to know, is No. Not always. That is all I am going to say about this except for the fact that you know, maybe Pepper Jack cheese is not the best breakfast choice.

Still waiting to hear about the QA position.* Keem did not get the Supervisor position (either one of them) but did have her interview for Training and that appeared to go well.

*No longer waiting to hear about the QA position. I got it!!!!!! Yay! I am very excited. I start officially on November 1st.

Anyway, stole this from Miss Melissa because it was fun and I needed something to do. I am bored, bored, bored because I don’t have any new books to read. Well, that’s not true, I do have some but they are not what I want to read. I want something witty and fun and joyful, not a depressing book about some 12 year old who had a really crappy life and then shot someone. I’m the type of person that has to finish a book once I start it but I am really tempted to stop before it gets any more soul-wrenching. It’s well written but my God, I just want to scoop this poor kid up and save him.

What’s the scariest movie you’ve ever seen?

I don’t like gore so I very rarely ever watch it. Some of the ones that really have freaked me out were “Scary Movie 3 (I know it was a spoof on Scary Movies but it was still scary so shut up)”, “The Eyes of Laura Mars (saw it when I was 12, about a woman who can see through the eyes of a killer)”, “Stir of Echoes (my sister insisted on watching it and so I hung out in the bathroom and watched part of it through the crack in the door)” and “The Watcher in the Woods.” That one was very frightening. It had a very psychological feel to it and was spooky more than scary. I still can remember parts of it and it just creeped me out. Best scary movie ever? The Spiral Staircase. Black and white movie about a serial killer who is after women with deformities. The main character is a woman who can’t talk due to a traumatic event and he is after her as well.

What was your favorite Halloween costume as a child?

I don’t remember. My favorite costume as an adult was Queen of the Universe. Complete with stars velcroed onto my shirt, construction paper crown, etc.

Given enough money what would be your fantasy Halloween costume?

Queen of the Universe. But, you know, there would be the actual Queen of the Universe salary to go with the costume. And real stars. I would SPARKLE!

When was the last time you went trick-or-treating?

How am I expected to remember this? Um, yesterday when I hit up Keem’s candy dish?

What is your favorite Halloween candy?

I’m quite fond of the mini Reese’s peanut butter cups but I also like milk duds. Pretty much as long as the chocolate is covering something, I like it. Plain chocolate? Blech.

Tell us about a scary nightmare you once had?

Oh, there was the one where the neighbors had an evil old man living in their basement and he had a giant oven where he would cremate people. There was the evil woman who turned all of her rivals into statues (that was probably after seeing some stupid movie about Heracles and how this woman turned her lovers into statues after she was done with them but lost out on his love so she dove into the statue making stuff herself). There were the aliens. There was the serial killer…have I mentioned that I have an overactive imagination?

What is your supernatural fear?

I’m afraid of vampires. They’re out there. Lurking. But if the vampires happen to be Angel and/or Spike, I’m okay with them. And Henry from Blood Ties. He’s kind of hot. I like the cop better though.

What is your ‘creepy-crawly’ fear?

Clowns. Insects. Republicans (oh, like you’d be able to resist listing that).

Tell us about a time when you saw a ghost, or heard something go bump in the night?

So my friend LeeAnn and I have this apartment in North Saint Paul. One night I’m in the living room and I see something out of the corner of my eye. Someone (I assume it is LeeAnn) is going to the bathroom. This happens on and off for a few hours. Either she is really thirsty or has the bladder the size of a pea. But for some reason, something compels me to stare straight at the television and not turn my head at all.

The next morning I ask her why she kept visiting the bathroom. The answer? “I didn’t leave my room once I went to bed.” Then she asks me why I came into her room and shut her window. Uh, I didn’t. Sure enough, the window over her bed is shut, the one across the room is still open. Odd. Plus, she said that when this person came into the room, LeeAnn found herself unable to open her eyes.

We figured out we had a ghost, not overly surprising, it is an apartment complex, I’m sure someone has died here. I name him Mr. Ghost. Sometimes I can see him out of the corner of my eye. Mainly he just hung around and rattles the door when he wanted to leave the room (Figures I have the only ghost in the history of ghosthood who cannot walk through walls). And before you say it’s the wind, all the windows were closed.

Would you stay overnight in a real haunted house?

Depends. Are the ghosts friendly? Or are they the type to fly around and try to scare you out of the house? Friendly I can handle. Scary and I do not mix well.

Are you a traditionalist or a creative carver of your Jack-O’Lantern?

I would like to say that I am creative and that my pumpkins are fantastic and you will see them on those emails that get forwarded around to everyone but the truth is that I’m not very artistic. My pumpkins, even the traditional ones, look like a slightly deranged 2 year old got a hold of a knife.

How much do you decorate your house at Halloween?

Don’t. I have a fake pumpkin somewhere. Keem decorates her desk. Does that count?

What do you want on your tombstone?

Pepperoni and Sausage. Yes, yes, dumb joke. Sorry.

No, actually I found this quote that I absolutely loved and I would like that on my tombstone.

Don’t cry because it’s over – smile because it happened. – Dr. Seuss.

Is that not the most fitting thing ever?

Anyway, if you want to do this, go ahead. Let me know because I like memes. I am a dork.

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