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Yes, I am alive. I just got back from an excellent vacation in South Dakota with Beth and her mom. I will be posting pictures soon and an actual post but here is something to tide over those of you who need your Dana fix (Sheryl, I adore you, btw!):
Random Dana things:
- If you decide to stay until 1:30 for no reason whatsoever (okay, there was a reason, I was trying to figure out what the heck Kanye West did to Taylor Swift and if I cared or not. Turns out, Kanye West is kind of a jerk but Taylor Swift’s hair still makes me crazy so no, I don’t really care), you will be tired the next day
- When you are tired, you tend to think/write/say weird things
- Such as, when you’re monitoring one of the reps and are trying to tell them what a great job they did on their call, you will write “When doing a transfer, it is important to keep the werewolves separated.”
- Uh, what? This is quite possibly the weirdest thing I have ever thought/written/said during a “Dana is extremely tired” phase. I think this tops telling the stock owner he could sell his shares over the phone, in writing or placing them in the overhead compartment (jet lag. I meant online) or telling another stock owner she could sell her shares by bringing them to the invisible fence (the thing that still gets me about this is that she never questioned that. There may be a woman wandering around trying to find an invisible fence! This was also jet lag)
- When I told my co-workers Beau and Rykken about this, there was that pause. The pause that usually comes before them realizing that I am, quite possibly, insane. Although they may already know that
- I did, of course, change the sentence to read something normal but told the rep because I thought she would appreciate it (she did)
- In case you are wondering, the separation of the werewolves is because I just finished three books by Marlene Perez (The Dead Is series) and recommend them to anyone that likes a good Young Adult book and is fond of vampires, werewolves and the occasional banshee but also appreciates good writing
- The books have been described as Veronica Mars meets Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Can you say awesome? I knew you could!
- Okay, my roommate is yelling at me, apparently I should be taking a shower. More later, my lovelies!
Why one should be careful when they read Stephen King
So Beth and I are at karaoke last night and she turns to me.
Beth: You know how you always get sick when you read The Stand?
If you have never read The Stand, this may not make sense to you. Short synopsis – The Government is conducting secret germ warfare testing and something goes wrong. The fail safe way of making sure that the germs don’t get out fails when one soldier realizes there’s a problem and the gate doesn’t shut. Soldier escapes and runs across country with his family. Spreading the germs on the way. A short time later, 99% of America’s population is dead. Long story short (too late), there is this epic battle between good and evil (led by my fake boyfriend Randall Flagg).
Every single time I read this book, I get a cold. And then I am absolutely convinced that the book is becoming true to life and we’re all going to die. A little paranoid, yes, but this is also the same man that instilled in me my fear of clowns.
Beth: I read it and the Swine Flu pandemic hit.
DM: Oh. Yeah. That’s not good at all.
Beth: The Government keeps saying everything is okay and I’m thinking “I don’t believe you!”
In the book, there was a huge conspiracy to keep everything undercover and oh,hey, it’s just the flu. No big deal, folks. Which is a huge stinking lie!
Beth: If this did happen, I wouldn’t head out to try and find other people. If there were say 4 people left, I’d say “C’mon and hang out at my place.”
DM: OOH! We could scrapbook!
Beth: We could scrapbook.
DM: And then we’d take pictures of dead people and stuff. Okay. That’s just weird.
Only Beth and I would decide to use the end of the world to our scrapbooking advantage. A sure sign that we’re addicted.
I was talking to Co-Worker Rykken about this today and we discussed our plans about what we would do if the book became true to life. Rykken has a plan to go and read tons of books and learn how to fix things so he’d have a good life. He came up with this after watching “I Am Legend.” I told him he could come hang out with Beth, Keem and I.
DM: We wouldn’t make you scrapbook.
Rykken: I’d probably enjoy it for one day and then say no thanks.
DM: We do other things. We could watch movies and stuff. We could have you pose for us with the dead bodies.
Rykken: Would you make me pose the dead bodies?
DM: Well, I’m not going to touch them. Ew.
There’s a brief pause.
DM: This is kind of creepy, huh?
Rykken: Uh, yeah.
DM: Okay, I’m going back to work now.
I just want to state for the record that I am not completely sick and disturbed. It was just the lack of sleep and this book has been haunting me for years.
In which the Swedish people conspire against me to drive me insane
So Beth went to IKEA and bought this laptop table that is named Dave. Keem and I really like Dave and decided we wanted him as our own as well. So we could say “This is Dave and this is his brother Dave.”
The last time Keem and I went to IKEA, Dave was not in stock. It was very sad. Kari had part of last week off because Eric was in the Caribbean for his sister’s wedding. She was taking Josh to the Mall of America for a trip to Lego Land (Or Lego World or Lego Paradise or something like that. All I really know is that there are tons of Legos and the kid loves the place) and they would stop at IKEA. She said she would pick up Dave for Keem and I.
Friday night she called me to tell me she had the two Daves in her car and would be stopping over to drop them off. YAY!
I manage to drag the Daves up to our apartment and Keem and I start putting them together. Keem offers to put my Dave together if I pay for hers. Looking back, you would think I would say “Sure.” Dave was only $17 – not going to break me.
But noooooo. Not me. No, I have to say “I can do it.”
Flash forward. I have managed to put together the majority of the table. But there is this one piece that is thwarting me. All I have to do is attach it to the bottom of the table and that’s about it. But I cannot get it no matter how hard I try.
Twenty minutes later, I am just about in tears. My back hurts, my head is starting to throb and my hands are shaking from the attempt to squeeze this piece together enough to get it to snap into place.
DM: I can’t do it! I can’t. How did you get it to work?
Keem: It was a little hard but not that bad.
DM: KEEM! Make it work!
Keem: I offered to put Dave together for you.
I give her the pathetic puppy dog eyes.
Keem: Oh, no. I’m not doing it now.
There is more cursing on my end.
Keem: Did you look at the diagram?
I glare at her.
DM: OF COURSE I looked at the diagram! I’m NOT STUPID!
Keem: Okay. Well, I don’t know why you’re having so much trouble with it.
I glance at the diagram. Huh. Look at that.
DM: I just spent 25 minutes trying to put this damn thing in upside down.
She spends an equal amount of time laughing at me that I spent cursing the stupid table. But Dave is put together and I love him so much more than the stupid TV tray I was using.
The keeten is a freak
So we know Kalli is a piglet because she constantly wants to eat. We know she’s annoying because we’re constantly telling her to shut up or stop chewing on her brother or no, it is 6 AM, you are not being fed right now or get off the counter. We knew she was a freak because she is obsessed by ice cubes and wants to get into the freezer so she can play with said ice cubes.
What we didn’t know is that she is a) a circus animal and b) impervious to pain.
To entertain Kalli and make sure she gets some exercise, I’ve taken to tossing her dry treats for her so she has to work for them. I’ve also managed to train her to do the meerkat pose when I say “Up” (usually only when she knows I have food. And it takes forever). Or, I’ll skid some treats to the end of the table where she can pop up and scrape them onto the floor. I am assuming she is doing this to keep her hunting skills sharpened. You never know when a bug might get into the apartment.
The other night, she is sitting by the bookshelf and she realizes there’s a treat on the coffee table that she hadn’t seen before. Oh my GOD! A treat! Yay! She throws herself at the table and does a somersault in the air. Unfortunately, she doesn’t keep in mind what goes up must come down and the somersault is interrupted by her smashing her head and back onto the table. Keem and I are horrified. Is she okay? Did she break her back or smash her head too hard?
Apparently not. She stands up, shakes herself and is pawing the treat onto the floor. Two seconds later, she’s begging for more. Either she’s Wolverine’s cat and can heal quickly or the extra pounds she’s put on is working as a cushion.
So how are all you guys doing?
I have just done a thing that is completely out of character for me. I volunteered to help clean up the Saint Paul parks this Saturday.
I have elected to get up early on a Saturday morning and go deal with trash. Trash thrown onto the ground by people who don’t have the decency to walk two feet and put it into a garbage can. And dirt. You know there’s going to be dirt, it’s always dirty after the snow melts.
Plus, the park is outside. I am not an outside kind of gal. Granted, I don’t hiss at the sun but I am not overly fond of it. I moved to downtown Saint Paul because my dream was to live and work in a skyway system so I would never have to go outside again (this worked until NABABNA moved on me) unless I really, really wanted to go outside.
And you just know there will be other people around. People that will probably want to talk to me and stuff. I will be bringing my iPod for sure.
I hate dirt. And trash. And I’m not overly fond of being outside or meeting people (you know, outside of the computer).
And yet, I am oddly looking forward to this. Two hours of being outside with dirt and trash and other people. The only logical explanation is that Spring is finally coming and I am excited about making the park outside of my apartment beautiful. Since it’s April, it should be a perfect balmy 45-50 degrees. Maybe even 60!
It’s going to be an awesome weekend.
Sunday night, Beth pulls into my parking lot and, as we are wont to do, we spend some time talking about the past weekend and upcoming plans for scrapbooking weekends. The song “Brandy” by Looking Glass comes on. Beth automatically turns the song up and we sing along quite happily. The windows are rolled down because it is 50 (FIFTY!) degrees at 11:30 PM. It’s a heat wave!
As the song is coming to a finish, we realize there is a man walking past the car. He has his recycling in hand. While he doesn’t acknowledge us, we laugh as we realize he was just treated to the impromptu concert.
DM: I have this on my iPod and was listening to it one day at work. I asked if anyone ever wondered what happened to her.
Beth: She serves them whiskey and wine.
The conversation went like this:
DM: Do you guys ever wonder what happened to Brandy?
Co-Worker Christy: Brandy who?
DM: You know. Brandy, you’re a fine girl…
CWC: I still didn’t know who that is.
DM: ARGH! You are so young (she’s 23).
Co-Worker Rykken: I know who she is, Dana.
DM: Good. Do you ever wonder what happened to her?
This makes us crack up because, while Beth has never met Co-Worker Rykken, she is more than aware of his dry sense of humor.
But don’t you ever do that? Wonder about what happened after the song or the story or even the movie ends? I do.
I like to think that the sailor shows up one day, walks up to Brandy and says “Hey, babe, how about you and I settling down?” And Brandy smiles prettily and says “Dude, I got over you, married someone else, own my own bar and am completely and utterly happy without you.” And the sailor is very upset by this and throws himself into the cruel, cruel Sea.
Or, if I’m in a romantic and sappy mood, I like to think that the sailor realizes that the cruel, cruel Sea is not exactly true love material and he takes Brandy on the ship with him and they are still sailing around to this very day (except, you know, really old. Perhaps they are ghosts. That’s romantic!).
And other odd things I’ve done lately. With bullet points!
- I have a strange fascination for hair.
- If someone has their hair in a ponytail, I have a tendency to bat at it.
- Most of my co-workers are used to this.
- But I may have frightened one of them today.
DM: Your hair is pretty.
Pokes at shiny barrette.
DM: And you have a shiny thing in it.
- Yesterday Christy was wearing these dangling, shiny earrings and was standing at my desk, asking me a question. Out of the corner of her eye, she can see my hand reaching towards her.
Christy: What are you doing?
Instead of responding like a normal person, I start batting at the earring.
- Keem typically had to tell me to stop playing with the air freshener in the car.
- I stopped doing that because I don’t care for the dolphin air freshener, it doesn’t bat very well.
- I like to see how far I can get with annoying Keem before she snaps. Sometimes she’s fine with it and then other times, she has the “You. Shut up NOW” look and I know it is not worth it to continue.
- Yesterday we were at Target and found a small stuffed rabbit and duck that someone had abandoned in the candy section of the check out lane.
Keem: These are cute.
DM: They have been abandoned. We should rescue them!
Keem: They’re only a dollar each.
DM: Yes, we should adopt them.
Keem: I get the duckie.
DM: They should be together.
Keem: They can stay at my desk, I need Easter decorations.
DM: And every day I can come over and re-enact the adventures of Duckie and Bunny.
I pick up the stuffed animals and start making them dance, humming a little tune. The cashier starts laughing. Keem sighs.
Keem: You are such a dork.
DM (to cashier): Sometimes I like to see how much I can annoy her. Like talking about the farm we’re going to buy when we’re old and where we will raise kittens.*
DM: Want to talk about the farm, Keem?
Keem: You. Shut up NOW.
Okay, she didn’t actually say that but she did raise her hand up in a “Please get away from me, you freak, you are driving me insane” motion.
*This is something I usually do when we’re driving somewhere and I want to read but she’s not in the mood to let me read . But if I jabber at her long enough, she’ll usually let me.
- Speaking of cats, Kalli had her rabies shot last week. She does not care for trips to the vet, mainly because we make her sit in the cat carrier instead of scampering all over the car like she would want. We’d be okay with this, if she didn’t automatically make a bee-line for Keem’s feet. Have you ever tried to drive a car when there’s a cat at your feet? It makes having to brake interesting.
- In the cat carrier, she starts doing barrel rolls in an attempt to destroy the carrier. It’s actually kind of funny but she also yowls like you wouldn’t believe.
- While I was waiting for our appointment, she was expressing her displeasure to the world.
Kalli: MROWWWWWWWW! (Translated to mean “Oh my GOD, you humans are so cruel!”)
DM: Yes, yes, your life is so terrible. No one loves you.
Vet Receptionist: Starts laughing because it is the same tone you would use with a teenager. It’s a tone we use with her often.
- She will be spayed next week. It should be interesting to see if she mellows out at all.
- Eddy seems to be much happier to have her around than when we first got her.
- He’s been chasing her around the apartment and it is seriously cute. You can also hear him calling for her when he’s in a playful mood.
- You know what is fun? When you get a free song from iTunes that you completely love and then a couple of months later you hear it on the radio. It makes me happy for the artists. I love Free Music Tuesdays, I’ve found some great songs because of it. Don’t always care for every song but it’s still a cool idea and I’m glad they do it.
- Okay, lunch is just about over. Hope you are having a good week.
So remember when I said that I shouldn’t be able to talk to men anymore? I think I’ve said this many times, actually. “I’m old,” “You’re like Batman – Adam West Batman,” and I’m sure there’s many, many, many other examples.
Are you beginning to get an idea of where I’m headed here?
Monday I had a dentist appointment with the hot dentist. One at 10 AM and one at 3 PM. I had a total of 5 cavities to have filled but, because my mouth is small (a topic of great surprise to my family and friends who have been known to say on occasion “Do you ever shut up?”), it was suggested that I have two appointments. Because I have to take a day off of work for any appointments (no bus line – well, maybe I’m being picky since I think leaving at 8:30 and arriving at work at 4:00 isn’t an option), I figured one day would be best.
The first appointment went fairly well except for the pain – I hate Novocain with a passion because it involves needles. And did I take Beth’s suggestion to ask for Nitrous Oxide? Of course not.
At 3, I complained about the soreness of my jaw and they gave me a bite block thingy that held my mouth open. I also asked and received Nitrous. Beautiful, beautiful Nitrous Oxide. How I love thee.
This is where the problem comes up. See, I may not want to date but I am very fond of men. I like the way they look and smell and often want to lick them on the neck. Fortunately my Brain is usually in control and I am usually able to keep this information to myself (unless, of course, I’m watching TV with Beth or Keem and then I’ll usually comment on the cuteness of whatever man is romping around on the screen at the time (and then Keem yells at me because apparently she does not need to know that I want to bite said cute person). But if you add Nitrous Oxide to the mix, well, the Brain talks but no one is listening. Here is a dramatization of what happened.
Hot Dentist (HD): How is the Nitrous working for you, Dana? Remember, floaty and tingly is good – spinning and nauseous is bad.
DM: Um, I don’t think I’m there yet.
A few minutes pass. Suddenly I feel like I am being pulled under by a very gentle tidal wave.
DM: Oh, yeah, there we go.
Suddenly I notice that HD is, well, just gosh-darned cute. The Lust Molecules that seem to rule my body start clamoring for attention.
Lust Molecules: Hey! Hey, has anyone noticed that this guy is really cute?
Mouth: That’s really not my department but I’ll be happy to tell him!
Brain: NO! Absolutely not! There will be none of that. Do you people remember anything? Who has to deal with the consequences when you guys just blurt stuff out? It’s not you! It’s me and Memory!
Memory: God. Don’t get me started on the “You’re like Batman” crap again. I am shaking my figurative head in disgust.
Mouth: You know, Brain, you’re really a party pooper. You never let us have any fun.
Tongue: Yeah! You and your “There will be no licking of random men” rules!
Brain: Look, people. I have a job to do here. I am trying to protect Dana from making a fool out of herself. We have enough problems with Logic deciding to go on strike every 9 out of 10 times that he’s needed. And no one’s heard from Common Sense in decades, ever since there was the great Fish Hook fiasco.
Mouth: I’m sorry but I don’t see how you can compare telling some guy he’s cute with sticking a fish hook into your mouth to see what it is like for your fishy brethren. Oh my God, the pain.
Brain: Trust me. There’s a correlation. That correlation is NO ONE LISTENS TO ME!
Mouth: I am not having this conversation with you anymore.
Brain: Don’t say it. Don’t say it. Don’t say it. Don’t say…
DM: If I say you’re cute, ignore it. Wait. Where did that come from?
Mouth: Hee-hee! You’re not in control!
Dentist Assistant Person (DAP): Dissolves into giggles.
DM: I wasn’t going to say that. I don’t know why I said that.
DAP: Yeah, doc, you’re ugly. It’s just the Nitrous talking.
DM: Nope. On my blog it says “New dentist equals hot!” Oh my God. Why am I still talking?
Brain: Do you see? Who gets blamed for this crap? Me!
After the appointment, which I managed to get through without embarrassing myself further, HD walks me out so I can pay the nice man who handles the bills and stuff.
HD: We’ll see you later, Dana.
DM: I am never going to be able to look you in the eye again.
The nice man who handles the bills and stuff looks confused. I can hear Hot Dentist and Dentist Assistant Person laughing in the examination room. Deep sigh.
DM: I told him he was hot under the influence of Nitrous.
Nice Man: Bwahahahahaha!
This is my life, people. Go ahead, laugh. You know you want to. Everyone else is doing it.
Today Beth and I spent a lot of time scrapbooking. We also met Char for dinner at Texas Roadhouse. As always, when Beth and I spend time together, there are some weird things being said. And yes, usually they are from me.
I was telling Beth about Co-Worker Rykken’s response when I said I didn’t understand why Bryan was not famous and Nickelback was. Rykken had said “I often wonder about that myself.” Rykken has never heard Bryan sing but understands the evilness that is Nickelback (for one thing, I hate the way their name is spelled because I always want to type Nickleback. That just makes more sense).
DM: I don’t know why I hate them so much.
Beth: I don’t know, maybe because they’re no talen hacks who have tortured all of America. And at least some parts of Canada. I think they’re from Canada. So probably all of Canada.
I have just completed a layout for my Portugal album (only 2 1/2 years after the trip, of course).
DM: Pretty. Pretty pages. Pretty.
I may have been stroking them gently.
Beth: Okay, that was weird.
We have gone to Texas Roadhouse. Our waiter has taken our order for appetizers and walked away.
Char leans over to Beth and says
Char: I may be wrong but I think our waiter might be gay.
DM: For a young ‘un.
Beth and Char stare at me blankly.
DM: Eh. I’d do him.
Beth and Char start laughing hysterically.
DM: You didn’t say he was cute, did you?
Beth looks at me sternly.
Beth: Did you put socks on today?
Char almost spits out her pop.
Beth: That sounded kind of weird, didn’t it (or motherly or something)?
Char looks confused.
DM: I don’t like to wear socks.
Our waiter walks up.
DM: I don’t believe in Winter.
DM: Tries to explain in a rational manner. Fails.
See, the thing is, if I wear socks, that means I am acknowledging Winter’s exhistence. And I like to pretend the son of a bitch doesn’t exhist. It doesn’t work very well.
Char: Is that like not believing in fairies?
DM: I believe in fairies. Just not Winter.
Beth orders a baked potato with her meal. She asks for the butter and sour cream on the side. I also order a baked potato and ask for the potato to be loaded but want the butter and sour cream on the side. The waiter looks at me. I feel that I need to explain.
DM: I like to eat the cheese and bacon first.
Beth: I don’t think you needed to explain your dining habits.
Waiter: I don’t think that’s crazy.
It is obvious he is lying from his expression. This is revealed when I return from the bathroom and found out that he told Beth and Char that he thought not believing in Winter was a little nuts.
We come back to Beth’s to scrapbook. Char is going to hang out with us for a little while. I am becoming frustrated with a page layout. I am staring at the paper trimmer, trying to figure out measurements (never a good thing).
DM: Are these real inches?
Char: No. they’re fake inches. They’re posers.
I hold up the piece of paper I am trying to trim.
DM: Well this is 8 inches, right?
Beth: I don’t know.
DM: Well, it’s supposed to be 8 inches. It’s 8 1/2 x 11 inch paper.
Beth: Then it is 8 1/2 inches.
I realize what I have just said. Beth and Char laugh hysterically. Beth hands me her pencil.
Beth: Write that down.
DM: I am being mocked again, aren’t I?
Beth: Rightfully so.
Char: You’d think you’d recognize it by now, it happens so often.
It has been a good weekend. And now I am headed home. Hope you had a good weekend.
Okay, so I have talked about this before. I love this website. I can’t help it. It is just so damn awesome.
I am signed up to receive the wailing list at work and so today, Christy overheard me laughing.
Christy: What’s so funny?
DM: Hee! New Despair.com Demotivator.
Christy: Forward it to me.
I do so.
Christy: Oh, Dana. You and your Demotivators.
DM: Yeah, but it is awesome and you know it.
Christy: Yes, it is.
This was the new Demotivator:
God, I love them. And the funny thing is I checked out Melissa’s site today and she had posted the same thing. Great minds work alike.
And now I have the stupid “Love is in the air” song stuck in my head. Grr.
Speaking of romance and its quirks – did anyone watch Grey’s Anatomy last night? While I’m thrilled that Denny’s real (apparently) and back (apparently), is anyone else completely confused? The man is dead. How can Izzie be kissing him? Does that mean she’s nuts?
I live in a whirlwind of excitement. Here’s why:
- So we come home from work and Keem is refilling the treat bag (gallon size Glad bag that we pour a variety of crunchy treats into so it is mixed properly for Eddy (he’s spoiled. We admit it). Kalli is circling around Keem’s ankles, trying her best to convince us that she is starving and no one feeds her and she has to scramble for crumbs because we are so mean and cruel to her. And then she leaps! And grabs on to Keem’s shorts for dear life, her back claws digging into Keem’s leg. The next thing I know, Kalli is hanging straight down, her front paws holding on to Keem’s shirt. Keem is saying “Ow, ow, ow! Cat! Ow!” And I am in the kitchen, watching all of this. Do I run into the living room to save Keem? No. I am laughing hysterically and wishing I had my camera handy.
- Kalli discovered how to get on top of the Entertainment Center last night. But she does not know how to get down and sits there and mews. So I rescued her. And about 15 minutes later, when I am in bed, sleeping like a normal person, I hear a crash. She has knocked over the shelf the VHS tapes are on (eventually we will get rid of them. It’s not like we have hooked up the VCR in this apartment) and is back on the Entertainment Center. Still hasn’t figured how to get down. I rescuse her again. Hmm. Perhaps I should move the small table she’s using to leap up onto the DVD rack and from there the Entertainment Center. That would be smart.
- Keem just opened a box from Swiss Colony and is singing “I’ve got a box of mixed nuts, diddly dee” (to the tune of “I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts”, in case you were confused). Hee!
- If you thought getting the Despair.com catalog was the highlight of my month, you would be wrong. Clearly it was the Mustard Museum newsletter. Featuring a picture of the owner dressed as Edward Splatterhands. Wish I which I could find on their website because it is seriously funny and would creep out James (the guy’s hands are dripping with mustard).
Who needs depressing poetry written at the height of my angsty years when you have all of this, right? My life is so full.
- Oh, and also, when my mom asked me if I was still taking Meridia and if it worked, I said no, my prescription ran out and it worked when I remembered to take it. Her response? “Oh, Dana, you’re a big girl.” Um, yeah, that’s why I was taking a diet aid! I know that’s not how she meant it but still, work on the phrasing there, mother.