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*Alternately titled Dana is on serious drugs (over the counter, people) and things are either confusing or amusing or both (and hey, confusing and amusing rhyme. confusing, amusing, confusing, amusing). It is a good thing Keem is in La Crosse or the whole little confusing/amusing dance number I just worked up would have put her over the edge on the Tolerating Dana Oddness scale.


Elvis hasn’t left the building, he’s still hanging around

Background – Beth went to Graceland and, knowing that I am a huge young Elvis fan, brought me back postcards with his glorious young image all plastered over them. I had been talking to Co-worker Rykken and Beau about something…

DM: Something, something, something. Rykken, you may notice that I am easily distracted sometimes by things…

Co-worker Rykken has worked with me since I started at this particular department of NABABNA and so has always been aware of how my mind works but, since he is somewhat diplomatic, doesn’t start in with smart-ass sarcastic comments. Co-worker Beau, however, is not diplomatic and does. Co-worker Beau is not sufficiently frightened of the wrath that is Dana. Must work on this. Plus, I am quite sure Buddhists aren’t supposed to be sarcastic. I am almost positive that this is a huge Buddhist rule. I think it is right up there with Thou shalt not mock Dana and make her cranky.

Beau: Sometimes something hanging on her wall is crooked.
DM: Hey! I am not!

Notices postcard of Elvis is askew and not charmingly so.

DM: Elvis is crooked. This will not do.

Starts straightening Elvis.

DM: Elvis is thwarting me!

Realizes Rykken and Beau are staring at her because she just got distracted by something she just said she didn’t get distracted by.

DM: Oh, shut up.

Later, our heroine (that would be me) returns to her desk and sees that the postcard of Elvis is upside down. She realizes that this was done by Co-worker Rykken when she hadn’t been looking. Our heroine (still me) sends Co-worker Rykken the following email:

From: DM
Sent: Thursday, February 28, 2008 12:24 PM
To: Co-worker Rykken
Subject: Elvis

Elvis is very cranky now. He doesn’t like being upside down. The blood is rushing to his head.

Wooooooo. Wooooooo. Yoooooooou aaaaaain’t noooooothin’ buuuuut aaaaaa hooooound dooooog. Woooooo.

That is Elvis’s ghost yelling at you. Be afraid. Be very afraid.


Not aware of my own strength

Last Monday, when I was home sick, I wandered into the bathroom and found that I had some clorasceptic lozenges left from January. Yay! My throat is sore. I will take one of the lozenges.

I push on the lozenge, hoping to break it from its thin tinfoil prison. Apparently I push just a tad too hard because it shoots out the package and, with a perfect arch, lands in the toilet. Kerplunk. Dammit. Luckily Keem, who is always prepared, had Halls cough drops in her room.

Dreams that make you say WTF?

I don’t remember much about this but apparently I had a dream in which that Wallace Langham (Hodges from CSI: And oh my GOD how I do love him), Tiffany-Amber Theissen (but she may just go by Tiffany Theissen now, I’m not really all that up on my Saved by the Bell star trivia) and Viggo Mortensen were in this new reality show called “Trapeze with the Stars” and they were doing this elaborate routine to Helter Skelter. And I was one of the judges. And Wallace Langham may have kissed me. But I’m not sure about that part, it might have something to do with wishful thinking.

I do know that when I woke up, Helter Skelter was playing on iTunes.

Is that it? How is that it?

I swear to God there were more Sick Dana stories but I can’t remember them now. Perhaps later.

I am feeling better, thank you for all your well wishes. I am still stuffy and coughing on occasion but no longer convinced I’m going to break ribs. Tomorrow my vacation starts and I am free from work for 7 glorious days (work days, actually, I don’t return until the 13th) and then I can start panicking all over again about “How will I ever get this all done?” All I can say is that it better never again involve working until 10:30 (Friday) and coming in on Saturday (2-7:45). I was going to come in on Sunday but hadn’t been sleeping well this last week since I couldn’t wear my CPAP so ended up taking some Tylenol PM and conked out for most of the day. And still managed to go to bed at 8:30 and sleep until 7 this morning. Glorious, glorious sleep.

I should be able to catch up on blog reading this week. I hope so anyway! And I am working on the next entry in the Encyclopedia of Dee Em but can’t figure out what D should be about. Any suggestions?

Well, I have learned something today. I learned that I accidentally doubled my dosage of glusophage and I was taking 4000 MG instead of the 2000 MG I was supposed to take. Also, I thought, hey, maybe I should check the side effects of this stuff because I haven’t been feeling well lately.

Side effects:

Low blood sugar (um, isn’t that what I’m trying to go for?). Signs include anger, shaking, fast heartbeat, confusion or sweating – well, other than the sweating, this doesn’t seem to be a problem.
Belly pain – check (although it rather feels like someone is trying to cut my stomach out with a very dull spoon)
Nausea or vomiting – Nausea, yes. Vomiting, thank the good Lord no.
Diarrhea – check (lucky, lucky me! This is fun! Everyone wants this!!! Oh, wait, no, they really don’t)
Not hungry (please. I wish).
Metallic taste (no, but I usually associate the metallic taste with blood and fortunately I don’t have any of that in my mouth).

I really want to go home. Just so you know. I have figured that most of this didn’t start until I, like the big idiot that I am, started doubling the dosage (and that was only because the pills I had before were 500 MG and Deb suggested I take 1000 MG. Do not ask me why I thought that the big pills and the little pills were the same size. I do not understand it either). So hopefully this means that going to the correct dosage will alleviate my symptoms. Hopefully.

Oh and someone just told me that our insurance company has decided to stop covering Effexor. They’ll only cover generics. There is no generic for Effexor. So I can either work with my doctor to find some happy pill substitutes or I can start paying full price. That doesn’t suck at all.

Anyway, to stop complaining, I want to mention the meme from yesterday is still continuing.

Oh, Udge is doing this and I am all about peer pressure and giving things to people so
the first five commenters to sign up for the meme here and post the same promise on their blogs will receive a small present-like thing from me. It will help jumpstart the holiday spirit for me. You will have to provide me with your real name and address but please keep in mind that I don’t drive and so probably would not be able to stalk you. Unless I am able to convince the Greyhound bus driver to circle around your house obsessively. I think that’s unlikely. I have
no idea what the small present-like thing will be but I must warn you, there is the chance you could receive a monkey sitting in a chair. I can be very strange. Just ask Beth.

Leave me a comment. And you know, I think I’m okay if you’ve already done this with someone else. I like to give presents.

Oh, and if you are wondering just exactly a monkey sitting in a chair looks like, click here. I maintain that it was a highly creative, non-boring gift. Beth maintains that I obviously go shopping while indulging in lots and lots of crack.*

*Beth has never said this. I like to exaggerate. I know you are all shocked at this.

An open letter to my body:

Dear body,

I have the strips to monitor my glucose level now. This is good. What is not good is that you decide to release a very miserly amount of blood, not enough to fill up the strip and then I have to use a new one. Fortunately I have 100 strips and unlimited refills until next year. However, this is no excuse. I don’t like needles. It takes awhile to get up the nerve to jab myself. Please start cooperating.

And what is up with the gigantic cold sore? Or should I say 3 cold sores? All clustered in the same area? All red and puffy and glaringly obvious? Let’s quote Mitch Hedberg here. “When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don’t know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It’s like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.”

I would also like to be more alert during the day. I’m not a big fan of coffee so if you could cooperate here, that would be great.

I do appreciate your decision to actually like the following healthy items – rice cakes, low-carb tortilla wraps (so good I may never eat bread again), ground turkey, fat free chocolate milk and etc. Now if we could work up a way to burn calories while blogging, that would be great. Get on that for me, okay?

Thanks for your time,

Dana

Monitorings are good – 208, 205, 177, 198 this morning. Sticking to the diet (wait! Don’t use that word. You know how the body reacts to that word. It’s a lifestyle change! Change! Not diet! Look body, here’s something shiny!) for the most part. A slip or two but nothing major. Things are good. Well, except for this cold sore. And I have to do laundry tonight. Laundry sucks.

How are you all?

I’m sorry but this is going to be somewhat of a whiny post but I’m really kind of irritated with my body right now.

Friday – broke out into hives again. Realized it was from my evil posture bra which had been rewashed BUT has this weird material that possibly trapped the evil detergent inside and when I wore the bra because I was too lazy Friday morning to Febreeze my other one (it gets smoky at the Chalet), I ended up breaking out in horrific hives. They were gigantic. Keem, in a joking matter, pointed out a brick wall to me and told me I could itch there. Then she made me stop because my back was bleeding in some places. Grr.

Monday – played work voicemail. Why is Deb calling me at work (Deb is my doctor)? I had a physical on Wednesday. They drew 5 tubes of blood. Five. I have small veins that have a tendency to roll. Does the tech listen to me when I tell her the best place to draw the blood is from the side of my elbow? No. Instead I am poked about 500 times while she looks dumbfounded and says “Wow. They really do roll, don’t they?” No. I was lying. Guess where they finally ended up getting the blood from? Yeah. The outside of my elbow.

Anyway, apparently my blood sugar was very high. So tomorrow I have to go back to the doctor, after fasting, and get more blood drawn. Oh my God, can you handle the excitement? I sure can’t.

It’s only 11:23 or so and I already want to go home. I was talking to my boss this morning and said the following to her:

DM: And I think I’m going to be come a nun.
Cheryl: Why a nun?
DM: Well, it won’t stop my body from falling apart but at least I don’t have to worry about being single on top of this.

Did I mention that we also discovered I have arthritis in my left knee? It’s not horrible but it’s there. Lurking. Fortunately I did get the arch supports and my knees have been bothering me less since then. But still, I’m very annoyed and want to go back to bed.

Done whining. Carry on.

Let’s talk about my week. It’s been fun and exciting, let me tell you.

  • Sunday. Started coughing ferociously in an attempt to either a) remove my lungs of all fluid and imagined fluid (there was drainage from my nose but not enough to make coughing comfortable (not that coughing ever is really comfortable but there’s a big difference between a dry cough and a productive cough. Dry coughs hurt more)) or b) my body decided it no longer liked me and was attempting to shake me to death.
  • Also on Sunday/Monday. Reached into my purse to pull out my keys and discovered that my keys and other key (hee. pardon the pun) items were now floating in Apricot syrup. Which is quite yummy but not a good substance to be coating your cell phone and camera and wallet. Fortunately, after much cursing and scrubbing, everything seems to be back to normal (well, other than the purse and any loose bits of paper. oh, and my brush. And the cheap piece of crap amplifier that I bought in an attempt to hear better. 15 bucks and all I got for my trouble was a headache. Sure, it made everything louder but that does not help you much in a bar), albeit a bit sticky still.
  • Tuesday. Found out that I did not get either of the jobs I was incredibly excited about. The reasoning was that there were two people that were more qualified and I can’t argue with that. The announcement email that was sent out listed the qualifications and I was impressed.
  • Tuesday. Somehow I got a paper cut on my lip. How does this happen? Fortunately no one was throwing flaming lemons at me (long story. Maybe Beth will post about it).
  • Wednesday. Did not get the MATH job. Didn’t care. Really glad that they “chose someone whose experience is more suited to the position.” Woo-hoo! Don’t have to turn it down. Yay!
  • Thursday. While at work, the area right between the underarm and my back starts itching. On both sides. What the heck is going on? Why am I so itchy? Argh! Fortunately dear sweet Co-worker Jackie comes to my rescue.
  • Thursday night. At the Chalet. Itch. Itch. Itch. Itchy meets Scratchy. Large reddish blotches start appearing on my skin. What are these? Can it be? Yes, it can. Yay! I have hives! Wow. This is so awesome.
  • Still Thursday night. Trying to scratch off all of my skin. Liz asks me if I’ve changed anything lately.

DM: Ah, yeah. I started using a new laundry detergent.
Liz: I was wondering if that was it. What kind of detergent?
DM: I don’t know. It was $2.50.
Liz: How big of a bottle?
DM: 32 loads of laundry.
Liz: Well, that would do it. $2.50 for 32 loads? What are you allergic to?
DM: Penicillin. Biaxin. Mold. The smell of paint. Apparently cheap laundry detergent.
Liz: Oh, yeah, you’re going to have to wash everything. Your sheets, clothes…
DM: I didn’t wash my sheets this time.
Liz: Oh, good. You can fashion yourself a toga.

Yes, I’m sure that my co-workers would love the sight of me in a toga made of brown sheets with little pink flowers (I love the colors brown and pink together. A few weeks ago, I bought pencils that are brown with little pink skulls. Don’t ask me why. I can’t explain these things) all over them.

Liz also caught me using the bar top to itch my hand.

Liz: Stop itching. Stop it. You’ll just make it worse. You’re like a cat! We’ll buy you one of those cat scratchers.

Beth also caught me using her car door to itch my back.

Somehow I woke up Keem when I got home. Or Eddy did with his excessive need to meow at everything and everyone. Oh, and his need to get into the linen closet at 3 in the morning. The cat’s a dork.

DM: Keem! Keem! I am itchy.
K: You’re always itchy.
DM: Guess what happened to me. Guess.
K: What now?
DM: Apparently I am allergic to my laundry detergent.
K: You’re kidding.
DM: No. Come see. I have hives. I have one the size of a quarter on my leg.
K: Yes, you sure do. And three on your knee.
DM: ARGH!!!!!!

I try to remove all skin from my body.

DM: Why me? Why?
K (trying very hard not to laugh. Failing): I’m sorry. Poor Dana. Well, I’m going back to bed.
DM: No! Itchy! Itchy back! Can’t reach! Keem!
K: Keem is tired.
DM: But Keem! Itchy!
K: Poor Itchy Dana. Fine. This is going to be quick.
DM: Ah! Scratch harder! Rip the skin off!
K: Go to bed, you dork.

Thanks to Beth stopping at SA so I could buy Benadryl and the Aveeno ointment Keem gave me, I am less itchy today. I’m rather swollen and red in places but I am armed with a back scratcher, ointment and also my CO Bigelow Witch Hazel skin tonic that oddly seems to help. I’m going to La Crosse this weekend with Keem and I’ll be spending some time in the basement rewashing clothes so that should be fun. Not exactly how I envisioned my Labor Day weekend. How about you? What plans do you have?

Yes, yes, go ahead and laugh. I know it’s funny. Only me, right?

Well, I didn’t get the position. I finally found out yesterday. I was told that the only reason I didn’t get it was because I didn’t have as much experience as the person they hired. Since we just found out the person who did get the job is the manager of the Lost Securities department, I guess I really can’t complain that much.

It’s super busy here at work. It’s not tax season so if you imagine I am less than thrilled about this, you’d be right about that.

I am very behind on blogging, the reading and writing of…if I haven’t been by, sorry. No time.

Right now there’s 65 people holding. This is an improvement. That thudding sound you hear? Me pounding my head on my desk. Hope you’re all doing well.

The most common “funny” response we get here when we ask “Is there anything else I can help with?” is “How about the winning Lotto numbers?” Anyone know what they might be? I’d like to retire now.

Okay, enough complaining. Have a great day. I might have actual funny stuff to write about soon.

*A vant, for those of you not in the know, is a word I coined once when I was extremely annoyed with an escalated call and said to Beth “I so need to vant right now” when I meant vent or rant. I decided that they worked well together.

Hello! I hope you’re all well. Today it is time for another issue of why the world is out to get me, sweet, wondrous Queen of the Universe that I am. Or maybe this is our first issue. I don’t know. The details escape me. All I know is that I am here to complain creatively.*

*That’s what I call it. Keem disagrees. She refers to it as whining. But I could never ever whine. It is not in my nature. Really. Oh, shut up.

Yesterday, Keem checked the mail and I heard her actually squeal with delight over an envelope. Is this an envelope from a secret lover? No. A check for a million dollars? Not even close. No, this was an envelope from Ramsey County Court Systems. Keem has been called for jury duty. This is so unfair. What makes it even worse is this is her second time. I have never been called for jury duty.

As we were talking about this in the elevator, the guy next to us was looking at us in puzzlement.

Guy: Wait. You’re upset because you haven’t been called for jury duty.
DM: Yes! This is wrong! It is my dream to perform my civic duty.
Guy: Your dream.
DM: Yes.
Guy (turns to Keem): And you’re happy because you’ve been called for jury duty.
Keem: Yes! I did it once before in La Crosse and it was fun but it was only for a half day. I can’t wait!
Guy: You girls are weird.

He exited the elevator.

Keem: I got called for jury duty!
DM: Shut up! You’re gloating.
Keem: I’m just excited to serve my country.
DM: Grr.

Last year Jeff got called. I am tempted to call my Congressman.

My other vant would be the fact that I ordered Chicken Chow Mein and I received a disaster instead. I love Chow Mein. I adore it. But why is it so hard to find a place that makes a decent Chow Mein? Why? Why are there mushrooms in my Chow Mein? There are no mushrooms! This is a travesty! And the chicken is limp and flavorless and there is some other weird vegetable floating around that I can’t place but it is green and leafy. I am disturbed by this. The only official Chow Mein vegetable is celery. Not mushrooms. Not leafy things that could be spinach but I’m not positive.

And why is my Fried Rice yellow? Fried Rice should not be yellow. It should be brown from the ton of soy sauce that is supposed to be dumped into the dish to give it that lovely crisp, crunchy rice, not soft, boring rice. I guess I should be glad that there are no mushrooms in it.

I think that’s pretty much it as far as vants go. Other than the fact that it is Tax Season and we all know how I feel about Tax Season.

I was telling Matt (my former boss) about playing “Ask the iPod” and got him to try it. One of his questions was “Will the calls calm down next week?” The answer? “Sit and Cry.” iTunes doesn’t lie, folks. And then he and the iPod got into this little argument where Matt said he was going to throw the iPod into the toilet and what did iPod think about that and the iPod said “Murder.” It was pretty funny. You might have had to have been there.

I just want to let you all know that I am having a crappy day. And when I say crappy day, I mean literally.

Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to go to your boss and say “Hi, Cheryl. I need to run home and get a change of clothes because I didn’t make it to the bathroom in time.” It is highly embarrassing. It is beyond embarrassing. It is horrible and depressing and God, I just want to go home and cry. But I can’t because I am a) out of vacation time and b) one illness away from going on a formal warning and losing all of my special projects and I’m sorry but you are not taking my special projects away. Fortunately, Cheryl (who I LOVE) drove me home so I didn’t have to take the bus.

I am feeling like the proverbial camel who has had her back broken by one too many FREAKIN’ proverbial straws. I have to eat. I am aware of this. Food is important because of the whole nutrition aspect and all. But the constant running back and forth to the bathroom every five minutes (that might be a slight exaggeration) is wearing on me.

Please God, could we start the New Year now? Maybe a do-over for me? How about a new Commandment – Dana shalt not be horrifically embarrassed by her bodily functions ever again? Is that too much to ask?

Beth, please forgive me but I will not be going to karaoke tonight. There’s no way. I just can’t handle this anymore. I am hoping against all hope to finally be over with this stupid freakin’ plague I’ve been attacked with to be able to spend a worry-free evening on Sunday.

Hello, all. I hope you’re all having Happy Holidays. I’m at home right now, listening to my cat meow like crazy because I am not Keem. He seems especially whiny now which I think is because of the move and that he’s not feeling 100% like the cherished and adored cat he is. Oh, well, tomorrow Keem will return and he will relax and things will go back to normal. Meaning he will ignore me and follow her around as though she is his connection to oxygen.

Kari picked me up on Saturday and took me to Urgent Care where I learned that I had (surprise!) Bronchitis. I was given two prescriptions, one for Zithromax and another for Albuterol because my inhaler has pretty much died. I’ve not been able to fill the Albuterol prescription. Target wanted $25 for it because they didn’t have my usual prescription. To this I said “No way!” and told Kari I would be fine as long as I didn’t do anything strenuous. “What’s strenuous?” she asked, watching me slump over the shopping cart, trying to concentrate on “Just put one foot in front of the other!” “I’ll be fine,” I said again. “As long as I don’t walk. Or breathe too hard.”

I was at her house since then, except for a trip to Rob and Betty’s last night. I was supposed to go to Eric’s mom’s house today but I’m just feeling too weak and tired to really deal with people right now. Eddy and I are going to go and get something to eat and then I’m going to go take a nap before Eric has to come back tonight with my bag from SA that I left in the car. Whoops.

I hope you’re all having fun. Love to all.

ARGH! It’s snowing! Big gigantic fluffy flakes that are really kind of cute but that is so not the point. The point is, I was enjoying our strangely warm Christmas season (well, 34 degrees is warm for this time of year). I liked the fact that I didn’t have to tromp through snow or start wearing shoes with a better grip on the soles.

And the worst part of all is that I have a desk with a window now and we can’t take pictures at work. It is killing me to watch the snow fall and not start snapping away.

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