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Why one should be careful when they read Stephen King
So Beth and I are at karaoke last night and she turns to me.
Beth: You know how you always get sick when you read The Stand?
DM: Yes.
If you have never read The Stand, this may not make sense to you. Short synopsis – The Government is conducting secret germ warfare testing and something goes wrong. The fail safe way of making sure that the germs don’t get out fails when one soldier realizes there’s a problem and the gate doesn’t shut. Soldier escapes and runs across country with his family. Spreading the germs on the way. A short time later, 99% of America’s population is dead. Long story short (too late), there is this epic battle between good and evil (led by my fake boyfriend Randall Flagg).
Every single time I read this book, I get a cold. And then I am absolutely convinced that the book is becoming true to life and we’re all going to die. A little paranoid, yes, but this is also the same man that instilled in me my fear of clowns.
Beth: I read it and the Swine Flu pandemic hit.
DM: Oh. Yeah. That’s not good at all.
Beth: The Government keeps saying everything is okay and I’m thinking “I don’t believe you!”
In the book, there was a huge conspiracy to keep everything undercover and oh,hey, it’s just the flu. No big deal, folks. Which is a huge stinking lie!
Beth: If this did happen, I wouldn’t head out to try and find other people. If there were say 4 people left, I’d say “C’mon and hang out at my place.”
DM: OOH! We could scrapbook!
Beth: We could scrapbook.
DM: And then we’d take pictures of dead people and stuff. Okay. That’s just weird.
Only Beth and I would decide to use the end of the world to our scrapbooking advantage. A sure sign that we’re addicted.
I was talking to Co-Worker Rykken about this today and we discussed our plans about what we would do if the book became true to life. Rykken has a plan to go and read tons of books and learn how to fix things so he’d have a good life. He came up with this after watching “I Am Legend.” I told him he could come hang out with Beth, Keem and I.
DM: We wouldn’t make you scrapbook.
Rykken: I’d probably enjoy it for one day and then say no thanks.
DM: We do other things. We could watch movies and stuff. We could have you pose for us with the dead bodies.
Rykken: Would you make me pose the dead bodies?
DM: Well, I’m not going to touch them. Ew.
There’s a brief pause.
DM: This is kind of creepy, huh?
Rykken: Uh, yeah.
DM: Okay, I’m going back to work now.
I just want to state for the record that I am not completely sick and disturbed. It was just the lack of sleep and this book has been haunting me for years.
In which the Swedish people conspire against me to drive me insane
So Beth went to IKEA and bought this laptop table that is named Dave. Keem and I really like Dave and decided we wanted him as our own as well. So we could say “This is Dave and this is his brother Dave.”
The last time Keem and I went to IKEA, Dave was not in stock. It was very sad. Kari had part of last week off because Eric was in the Caribbean for his sister’s wedding. She was taking Josh to the Mall of America for a trip to Lego Land (Or Lego World or Lego Paradise or something like that. All I really know is that there are tons of Legos and the kid loves the place) and they would stop at IKEA. She said she would pick up Dave for Keem and I.
Friday night she called me to tell me she had the two Daves in her car and would be stopping over to drop them off. YAY!
I manage to drag the Daves up to our apartment and Keem and I start putting them together. Keem offers to put my Dave together if I pay for hers. Looking back, you would think I would say “Sure.” Dave was only $17 – not going to break me.
But noooooo. Not me. No, I have to say “I can do it.”
Flash forward. I have managed to put together the majority of the table. But there is this one piece that is thwarting me. All I have to do is attach it to the bottom of the table and that’s about it. But I cannot get it no matter how hard I try.
Twenty minutes later, I am just about in tears. My back hurts, my head is starting to throb and my hands are shaking from the attempt to squeeze this piece together enough to get it to snap into place.
DM: I can’t do it! I can’t. How did you get it to work?
Keem: It was a little hard but not that bad.
DM: KEEM! Make it work!
Keem: I offered to put Dave together for you.
I give her the pathetic puppy dog eyes.
Keem: Oh, no. I’m not doing it now.
There is more cursing on my end.
Keem: Did you look at the diagram?
I glare at her.
DM: OF COURSE I looked at the diagram! I’m NOT STUPID!
Keem: Okay. Well, I don’t know why you’re having so much trouble with it.
I glance at the diagram. Huh. Look at that.
DM: I just spent 25 minutes trying to put this damn thing in upside down.
Keem: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA
She spends an equal amount of time laughing at me that I spent cursing the stupid table. But Dave is put together and I love him so much more than the stupid TV tray I was using.
The keeten is a freak
So we know Kalli is a piglet because she constantly wants to eat. We know she’s annoying because we’re constantly telling her to shut up or stop chewing on her brother or no, it is 6 AM, you are not being fed right now or get off the counter. We knew she was a freak because she is obsessed by ice cubes and wants to get into the freezer so she can play with said ice cubes.
What we didn’t know is that she is a) a circus animal and b) impervious to pain.
To entertain Kalli and make sure she gets some exercise, I’ve taken to tossing her dry treats for her so she has to work for them. I’ve also managed to train her to do the meerkat pose when I say “Up” (usually only when she knows I have food. And it takes forever). Or, I’ll skid some treats to the end of the table where she can pop up and scrape them onto the floor. I am assuming she is doing this to keep her hunting skills sharpened. You never know when a bug might get into the apartment.
The other night, she is sitting by the bookshelf and she realizes there’s a treat on the coffee table that she hadn’t seen before. Oh my GOD! A treat! Yay! She throws herself at the table and does a somersault in the air. Unfortunately, she doesn’t keep in mind what goes up must come down and the somersault is interrupted by her smashing her head and back onto the table. Keem and I are horrified. Is she okay? Did she break her back or smash her head too hard?
Apparently not. She stands up, shakes herself and is pawing the treat onto the floor. Two seconds later, she’s begging for more. Either she’s Wolverine’s cat and can heal quickly or the extra pounds she’s put on is working as a cushion.
So how are all you guys doing?
So this last weekend I spent being sick and cleaning. Yes, I am still sick. My sister is convinced I have Bronchitis and she is probably right but I refuse to take an entire day off of work to just go and listen to my doctor say “you have Bronchitis. Drink lots of fluids.” I already know this. And Keem refuses to go to the Minute Clinic because, as she says, it’s more like the 60 Minutes Clinic. Keem is not a very patient person, especially when she is waiting for me. I am muddling through, occasionally pausing to hack up a lung. Other than that, though, I feel fine.
On the cleaning front, once a year our apartment complex has an annual fire inspection. Representatives from the fire department tromp through the different apartments to discover which ones of us have stacks of old newspapers from 40 years ago cluttering up our homes. They do not take kindly to seeing rooms where you have a path from the door to your bed. And the only way you can get to the computer is if you climb over the bed. That, apparently, is a fire hazard. So I cleaned. And cleaned some more. And threw a lot of crap away. And brought some books to the laundry room. And did 400 loads of laundry (okay, 4, but it still seems like a lot). And actually found the floor to my bedroom. Believe me when I tell you this is a small miracle. I am not the world’s tidiest person.
Keem and I come home yesterday, wanting to see if we passed the inspection with flying colors. We find a note from the maintenance guy (not sure which one, I didn’t read the note). It goes something like this:
Hey. Your thermostat in the living room and master bedroom are frozen and not adjusting. It’s good that we figured this out since you wouldn’t get any AC this summer if it wasn’t fixed. I’ve done a work order to have this taken care of and have put on the work order to watch out for the cats.
You know what this means. Uh-oh. I must be gay!*
*Sorry, random “In and Out” reference to Howard’s brother, Walter. Who, by the way, is in an Applebee’s commercial and I am always very excited to see it and say “Look! It’s Walter!” Fortunately both Beth and Keem have recognized him as well and do not think I am insane. Much.
Anyway, what this means is Kalli loves to escape whenever she gets the chance and run into the hallway. Eddy will at least only escape when it’s Keem or I. But Kalli is constantly waiting for her opportunity to make a run for it. Or, you know, sit on a random delivery man’s shoe and sniff his pants as though he was the greatest smelling thing ever (turns out he has cats as well).
I can imagine what happened yesterday. Kalli heard the key turning and raced to the door, probably encouraging Eddy to follow her. The door opens and a small streak of grey lightning races out into the hallway. The larger, not as fast, orange pumpkin boy follows her. The maintenance guys probably sit there and wonder “What happened?” The idea of them having to herd kitties makes me laugh. It’s always an experience.
Kalli got out again last night, which is why I didn’t see the note right away. Our neighbor saw her running around the hallway, shouting “Catch me! Hahaha! I’m faster than you! Oh, wait, I’ll walk reallllllllllly sllllllooooooow in front of you! But no! I’m too fast!” in kitty language (Mew. MEEEEEEEEW. Mew. Mewmewmewmew). The last time he had seen her, she was in the carrier, doing her patented barrell rolls in protest of going to the vet.
Kindly Old Neighbor: How is she doing after her ordeal?
DM: She’s good. She started leaping around two days after it. You know, like she hadn’t just had major surgery.
This is directed to Kalli who, like usual, ignores me to tell the Kindly Old Neighbor that we never feed her and she is horribly neglected and what a horrible life she leads.
KON: Well, she seems to be back to her usual self.
That’s my girl. Loud, obnoxious, an escape artist and known for her antics (the first time the Kindly Old Neighbor met Kalli was when she decided to go running around his apartment when they left the door open). Sigh. I’m going to have to get a sign made that says “Beware of Cat. She may not bite you (unless you move your feet in the middle of the night) but she will meow you to death.”
Last night, Keem and I were sitting in the living room, watching Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle (not the best movie ever made but I tend to relate to Drew Barrymore’s character since we both have a thing for bad boys (plus there’s that whole great moment where she and the Thin Man realize that they’re perfect for each other and have this great kiss which makes me happy (and then he gets killed which really ticks me off)) and there’s bombs and car chases and a flying Demi Moore so it appeals to my need for violence and explosions) and once again, I’ve gone off on a tangent. Let’s try again.
Last night, Keem and I were sitting in the living room, watching Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle when Kalli in her “I must hunt down all ice cubes and destroy them” phase decided to knock over Keem’s ice water. Said ice water fell onto Keem’s laptop. This is not good.
After much cursing (on Keem’s part) and meowing (on Kalli’s part while she rejoiced that she had triumphed over the evil ice cubes), I found Co-Worker Beau’s phone number and called him. Keem explained what had happened and Beau said he would be over in a few minutes (because he is awesome).
Beau arrived and looked over the computer. Keem had already removed the battery and used compressed air to get as much water as possible out of the keyboard. Beau told Keem to let it dry out and try restarting it in the morning (and it worked! Woo-hoo!). He then looked at Kalli who was trying her best to demonstrate what an angel she is (hah! Everyone at work has heard the stories, they aren’t buying it).
CWB: Hello, freaky kitty. She’s really gorgeous.
DM: Yes, she is. Want to take her home?
CWB: Laughs.
Keem: She’s not kidding.
Later that night, I’m talking to Beth. Kalli is wandering around, whining about “how no one loves me or feeds me and oh, hey, why don’t I just push Keem’s computer onto the ground and break one of the keys off of it and did I mention that I’m STARVING!”
DM (to Beth): Hold on a second.
I put the phone down.
DM (to Kalli): For the love of GOD, shut it!
I pick the phone up.
DM (to Beth): Want a cat?
Beth: Kind of. But not Kalli!
She’s a wise woman, that Beth.
I am leaving work in a few minutes so I can go to a new dentist and be yelled at. I am sure there will be a lecture or two about the fact that I’ve not been to a dentist in at least 10 years. And I don’t floss. And I subscribe to the “if it’s not broken, don’t fix it. Or, if it is broken but not causing massive amounts of pain, don’t fix it” philosophy. This is probably not a healthy philosphy. Plus, there’s been the occasional throbbing emanating from the giant hold where my filling fell out last year. It’s probably time to get this worked on. Stupid teeth.
But hey, maybe the dentist will want a cat!
Last night the demon spawn also known as Kalli came into the kitchen as I was sweeping the floor. She leapt up onto my back and used me as a springboard to reach the counter. There she sat and stared at me for awhile. Since it was a welcome change from her trying to “help” me sweep (which involved sprawling in the middle of the floor or attacking the broom or deciding to bounce a ball right through the dust pile), I decided not to worry about it. She was just sitting there and not causing trouble.
Yeah. Right. I turned my back for two seconds and suddenly heard a scrabbling noise. I turn quickly and the next words out of my mouth are:
DM: Kalli! No! We do not climb on the toaster!
Fortunately I managed to get her down before she managed to electrocute herself. I haven’t figured out why she thought the toaster was the best place to perch but I’ve learned not to turn my back on her for very long.
It reminded me of going with a friend to get her hair cut. While this was happening, she asked me to watch her small child. Small child was probably about 3 years old and was given Mom’s keys to play with. I figured she was entertained enough so I could read my book. I was wrong. Next thing I know, I hear the hairdresser shout “No, honey!” And turn around to see the small child has taken one of the keys and inserted it into an electrical outlet. The words “Holy F**k” came to mind.
The hairdresser knocked the keys out of the outlet with a broom and there was no harm done, unless you count the shower of sparks that came with it.
And this is why I should never be left alone with small children. I have a tendency to forget about them once I get engrossed in a book.
I live in a whirlwind of excitement. Here’s why:
- So we come home from work and Keem is refilling the treat bag (gallon size Glad bag that we pour a variety of crunchy treats into so it is mixed properly for Eddy (he’s spoiled. We admit it). Kalli is circling around Keem’s ankles, trying her best to convince us that she is starving and no one feeds her and she has to scramble for crumbs because we are so mean and cruel to her. And then she leaps! And grabs on to Keem’s shorts for dear life, her back claws digging into Keem’s leg. The next thing I know, Kalli is hanging straight down, her front paws holding on to Keem’s shirt. Keem is saying “Ow, ow, ow! Cat! Ow!” And I am in the kitchen, watching all of this. Do I run into the living room to save Keem? No. I am laughing hysterically and wishing I had my camera handy.
- Kalli discovered how to get on top of the Entertainment Center last night. But she does not know how to get down and sits there and mews. So I rescued her. And about 15 minutes later, when I am in bed, sleeping like a normal person, I hear a crash. She has knocked over the shelf the VHS tapes are on (eventually we will get rid of them. It’s not like we have hooked up the VCR in this apartment) and is back on the Entertainment Center. Still hasn’t figured how to get down. I rescuse her again. Hmm. Perhaps I should move the small table she’s using to leap up onto the DVD rack and from there the Entertainment Center. That would be smart.
- Keem just opened a box from Swiss Colony and is singing “I’ve got a box of mixed nuts, diddly dee” (to the tune of “I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts”, in case you were confused). Hee!
- If you thought getting the Despair.com catalog was the highlight of my month, you would be wrong. Clearly it was the Mustard Museum newsletter. Featuring a picture of the owner dressed as Edward Splatterhands. Wish I which I could find on their website because it is seriously funny and would creep out James (the guy’s hands are dripping with mustard).
Who needs depressing poetry written at the height of my angsty years when you have all of this, right? My life is so full.
- Oh, and also, when my mom asked me if I was still taking Meridia and if it worked, I said no, my prescription ran out and it worked when I remembered to take it. Her response? “Oh, Dana, you’re a big girl.” Um, yeah, that’s why I was taking a diet aid! I know that’s not how she meant it but still, work on the phrasing there, mother.
Former comments:
Mom’s have a special talent. They can tell you the sky is blue and it can make you cry but when anyone else says it you can be argumentative and haughty. It is NOT blue. It is periwinkle.
.This could be Kalli.
I have fallen prey to the horrible spelling of the LOL cats from I Can Has Cheezburger. It’s the tiny faces and the cuteness and I can’t resist them.
After all, they have Karaoke kitties:
And evil kitties (just like in my own apartment):
But the best possible thing I found tonight? LOL Star Trek. Seriously. This is hilarious.
Last week I decided to put the lion hat on Kalli (why should Eddy be the only one to be tortured by Keem and I?). Just to see what her reaction would be.
This was it:
The hat was off within 2.5 seconds and this was the only picture I got. That was one pissed off kitten.
I guess I really shouldn’t be surprised that today, out of the blue, she decided to bite the hand that feeds her.
It’s 9:45 CT and right now the mood is cheerful in my apartment. I am watching the crowds in Chicago cheering at Senator Obama’s election headquarters. There are thousands of people there. It looks good right now with 206 electoral votes in Obama’s favor. I’m also hoping to see something about the race for Senator. I am hoping very much that I do not have to deal with Norm Coleman anymore. Apparently the television is listening to me and just flashed that it is Norm 41% and Al Franken 42%.
Anyway, to kill some time and to help me keep on the path to finishing NaBloPoMo, here are some pictures from the last few days. Of course, I must show you pictures of my adorable babies, Kalli and Eddy.
Kalli finds everything in the kitchen absolutely fascinating.
So she was quite excited when I started unloading the dishwasher the other day.
The fact that this is a sharp blade doesn’t faze her at all. I did move it away from her quickly.
I have been spending some time at I Can Has Cheezburger. Makes me laugh. Kalli is fascinated by the pictures. I tried to angle her so I could show the picture she was looking at as well but she would not have it.
Here Eddy enjoys a moment of peace before Kalli attacks him. He’s taking to hiding in the tube when she is on her rampages throughout the apartment.
And now she has found him. He tries to destroy her with his laser eyes but it is not working.
Now for some pictures of me in all my beauteous glory.
Remember when I said I would post a picture of when I cut my hair and everyone was laughing hysterically about it at work? Well, here it is.
This was my Halloween costume. I was the cheap, white trash version of Hello Kitty. I may start wearing my hair this way more often.
And then this one is my favorite. Even though my hair looks like crap and my face is incredibly shiny.
I voted. Thumbs up, America!
And to update at 10:02 PM CT. He won! He won! Obama won! I am so happy!
Hello! My name is Kalli and this is my big brother Eddy. I adore him and like to cuddle and spend lots of time with him because I am just the sweetest kitten in the world. Don’t you just want to pick me up and kiss me over and over again? Of course you do.
Here I am delicately licking my paw. When I drink water, sometimes I drink it in a normal manner by applying my tongue directly to the water itself. But other times, to increase my absolute cuteness, I will dip my paw in the water and then lick it off. Aren’t I angelic in nature? Yes, yes, I am.
Do you know why I do that? Because I am fascinated with water. I know I should be afraid of it like other cats. But I’m not like other cats. I’m different. I’m special. Sometimes I like to hop into the shower with Keem. It’s fun.
I really like to snuggle with the humans. Humans are also fascinating. Like really large beings that I can walk all over and they don’t even care.
They say “Oh, Kalli, please stop biting your brother.”
Or “Kalli, please, for the love of God, leave my toes alone.” But they don’t do anything about it.
Do you know why? It is because I am their Kitten Overlord. They must obey. Resistance is futile.
Note from Dana:
So yesterday I was home sick (again. Enough with the cold already). Remember those episodes of the Road Runner when Wile E. Coyote would chase after the Road Runner and end up running off the side of the road? I heard this scrabbling noise yesterday and turned to see Kalli’s head suspended over the counter, her paws flailing frantically. Then there is a crash and I run to the kitchen expecting to see my poor wounded baby bleeding and broken from the butter dish she managed to pull down with her. But she’s not. Instead she’s batting around the broken glass. Great. And when I try to sweep it up, she thinks that I’m playing with her. She is such a dork.
I ended up calling Kalli kitten of the corn because of the butter dish and then she tore the springy thing on the door off (what are those springy things on the door called? Door stops?) and batted it around the apartment for awhile. Plus there was the constant attacking of Eddy. How do you persuade a kitten that everything in the apartment is not a toy? The spray bottle works a little bit but I can’t use it when she attacks Eddy. It’s not fair to spray him as well.
Sigh. I love her. She’s a sweet, sweet kitty when she wants to be. But I am really beginning to think she might be a tiny little bit evil.
I am really, really sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Blowing my nose has become an exercise in grossness because the force is so strong, I have managed to get mucus all over myself at least once a day this week. That’s fantastic. Makes me feel really special.
My co-workers think I am nuts because I am draping a Puffs tissue with Vicks over my nose and (well, as much as I can) inhaling deeply. I’m used to them thinking I’m nuts. And I really love the smell.
A few minutes ago, a bull elephant mistook me for his mate. Or it could have been a gander. I’m so sick, I can’t tell the difference.
I was supposed to go to a volunteer event tonight to “Feed My Children.” We would have been putting together boxes of food to ship overseas to starving children. I will not be doing that because I really don’t want to send my putrid, disease causing germs to them as well. Or infect anyone else.
I was looking forward to karaoke again tonight but will instead be doing the same thing I’ve done every night this week, curled up in bed, trying to breathe and cursing the rat bastard that got me sick.
Okay, enough whining. Here’s a picture of absolute cuteness to make me feel better.
Kalli needs to be by Eddy. All the time. And this is not as cute as you would think. Typically she is trying to eat him. Poor Eddy. Hopefully she’ll calm down soon.
Green Duckies & Other Tales about Dana 