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One of the best inventions in the world is called bloglines.com. It allows me to read blogs I love without all that clicking to see if the person actually updated recently (because, if case you didn’t know, clicking at work is bad and ends up with people being cranky at me because I apparently visited over 400 different urls in a week and they don’t pay me for that (not that this has happened in a long time)) and then I can find other fun stuff and it gives me something to do because heaven forefend that I actually comment on a website at work (I may have issues over this). Anyway, this also allows me to bring you two of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time.
Apparently there is a movie called Mega Shark versus Giant Octopus. And wait, that’s not the best part. No, it stars Lorenzo Lamas (who I always mix up with Harry Hamlin for some reason) and Deborah “I used to be fun and go by Debbie” Gibson. I was reading the “review” of this today and all of a sudden Keem is asking “What’s that noise?” And it was me, laughing so hard that all you could hear was this wheezing noise. Anyway, I suddenly have a huge desire to see this movie just so I can laugh hysterically and possibly have an asthma attack. There is dialogue that can only have been written by people on some form of crack, not the liquid one from Quizno’s (Quizno’s has the best Caesar dressing in the world and we call it liquid crack. Because we’re dorks).
No one should ever say I won’t share. Please, check this review out yourself.
Also, Dooce and her daughter made cookies this weekend. And that made me giggle as well because there were words like coriander and meth labs used almost in the same sentance. And I also understand not being able to cook and wondering why there are these stupid rules that you’d like to skip and then you end up with frosting soup (true story. One I may share someday).
Go. Read. Laugh. Repeat. I promise to actually talk about stuff that happened in my life one of these days.
There’s these commercials for fibromyalgia or however it is spelled. And I know it is horrible, blah, blah, blah and painful and etc. But the commercials? Kind of annoying.
Anyway, commercial lady starts by saying “There were days when my fibromyalgia was so painful and I couldn’t…”
Keem: Fast forward? Well, I can.
Or the car commercial with Howie Long for the Highlander where he is talking about Maggie, the smart little girl and how she’s a big girl? This is Keem’s version of it:
This is Maggie, a smart little girl and this is a seat for some boring car called the Highlander. And this is Keem fast forwarding through your annoying little commercial.
The DVR – best invention ever and also, a great source of laughter.
Although there are some commercials we will not fast forward through – I absolutely have to watch movie trailers. Movie trailers are awesome. If the commercial is actually funny, we’ll watch it.
Do any of you remember this one? This is one of my favorite commercials of all time:
A while ago (read anywhere from last year to 2-3 years ago, if not longer), Beth and I were having a discussion about religion and how it can be annoying. Well, I guess it isn’t so much religion that is annoying but the people who follow the various ones. Now I’m born again but I like to think I put the FUN into fundamentalist, not the Creepy, annoying people who just won’t leave you the heck alone and like to tell you how your sinning is horrible, blah, blah, blah, you don’t believe what I do so you’re damned (just don’t tell me that I’m damned for-or all time (sorry, Jesus Christ Superstar got stuck in my head for a moment. Oh, Judas, how I love you)) people. Wow, what a tangent I went on there.
Point. I’m born again but many of my friends are atheist or agnostic. No big whoop. I am against organized religion personally. And the Flying Spaghetti Monster amuses the heck out of me.
Anyway, this one day Beth and I were amusing ourselves by coming up with responses to people who feel it is their duty to tell you how horrible you are.
Some of our responses (Okay, the first two were during the conversation. The other ones have just been added as time goes by):
Q: Have you found Jesus?
A: Yes. But he was hiding in my closet so I had to get a restraining order.
Q: Have you found Jesus?
A: Yes. He’s my co-pilot. But he was flying while drunk so they took his license away.
Q: Have you found Jesus?
A: Yes. But he’s a scary alien Jesus who burns people with his stomach.*
*That was a weird dream. Funnier than heck but still, weird.
Q: Have you found Jesus?
A: Yes. He’s a Pirate*. Arr, my child!
*This post also recounts how I won Pirate Porn. For a picture of Jesus. If that’s not hell worthy, I don’t know what is!
But this? This made me giggle incessantly for a good minute.
Q: Have you found Jesus?
A: Apparently he was on the book shelf the entire time.
Oh, God, please don’t strike me down for giggling. I’m sure you found it amusing as well. I’m hoping you’ve got a good sense of humor, that’s about the only thing that explains the crap you’ve put me through since I’ve turned 40.
How I’ve Been Found
I am loving Word Press. I was fooling around on my dashboard today and saw Blog Stats. I used to do this every once in awhile, weird terms that people have used to find my blog and today’s was pretty interesting.
Such as co-worker back itch? Really?
El Camino fifth wheel towing? Cool.
But the one that made me laugh the most was:
The Devil Went Down to Georgia Ryan Seacrest.
Not sure what they have to do with each other BUT it does kind of tie into my thinking he is the devil.
Last night Keem and I came home to see a package in the foyer. Was it a new mask for my CPAP? No. It was from Las Vegas.
DM: It’s from Vegas.
Keem: Joe in Vegas?
DM: Probably. I love the fact that you know that.
Keem: He’s the only person I know that lives in Vegas. I’m excited! What did he send? I’m opening it for you.
And then she ripped the box out of my arms. There were cookies! Yay! I completely forgot Joe was sending cookies. For a brief moment I was expecting something clown related and was frightened. Keem marveled over the really cute star one.
In lieu of pictures of my cat, I bring you LOL Cats
I will post pictures of Kalli and Eddy soon but my cord for my camera is missing. I suspect Kalli stole it. I suspect Kalli of everything. With good reason. The little brat decided she had to push Pig off of the buffet this morning. Fortunately he did not break (Pig, for those of you not in the know, is my first piggy bank. He was later married to Pigette and their offspring is named Pig Junior. Yes, I am weird).
Happy New Year. I like to take the time to review the previous year and see what has changed or stayed the same. Much has stayed the same but there are some changes.
1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
Turned 41. Finally managed to blog for the entire month of November. It almost killed me but I did it.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Apparently I made one but I have no idea what it was. Oops. This year I am resolving to not run through my vacation time before September and to be organized at work so that if I do get sick at the end of the month, I can take time off without panicking.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth or adopt?
4. Did anyone close to you die?
My Aunt Rita.
5. What countries did you visit?
I went to this strange land where they really like cheese and the colors green and gold. I think it is called WySconSanLand
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Money. A job that doesn’t make me want to pull my hair out (which, I love my job but it is incredibly stressful. As Co-Worker Rykken said the other day, we went from being underworked to overworked.
7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
November 4th, 2008. Change has come!
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not dying from the plague. Going to the chiropractor and finally being almost completely pain free.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Losing weight. Same as last year.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I had a really fun surgery on my lady bits.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Books. Books are our friends.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Beth and Keem. John McCain at his concession speech.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Sarah Palin. John McCain before his concession speech. Norm Coleman. God, I hate politics. Oh, and that Madoff jerk.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Probably books. Medical bills.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Um. Don’t know.
16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
I have no idea.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
b) thinner or fatter?
c) richer or poorer?
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Getting sick. I hate being sick. And yes, this is the same answer as last year. Oh wait, it’s been the same answer for 3 years now.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
It’s after Christmas. I stayed home because I was sick.
21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Yes. With a small gray ball of fur named Kalli.
22. How many one-night stands?
I haven’t had one of those in at least 10 years.
23. What was your favorite TV program?
The Big Bang Theory, Worst Week, Psych and Burn Notice
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Other than Norm Coleman, no. Oh, wait, I hated him last year as well.
25. What was the best book you read?
I read too much to have a best book.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Lenka – Love “The Show.”
27. What did you want and get?
An iPod Nano!
28. What did you want and not get?
A million dollars.
29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Wall-E (according to Christy. I might have liked other movies but don’t remember. Oh, wait, Beth made me watch The Departed and I really liked that but got really angry over the fact that it made me find Leonardo DeCaprio attractive. That is just wrong!)
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Went to Duluth, hung out with Beth. The day after my birthday I had surgery.
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
My life is pretty decent. It would be better if I had more money.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Heh. I have no fashion concept.
33. What kept you sane?
Beth. Keem. Effexor. Blogging and reading blogs. Sheryl from Paper Napkin with her grateful list.
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Jason Statham. Yum. Ryan Reynolds in Blade III. Yum again.
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
The 2008 presidential election. Do not get me started on this. And waiting to find out if I have to put up with Norm Coleman again.
36. Who did you miss?
Always miss my grandmother. My mom who lives in Arizona.
37. Who was the best new person you met?
I’m kind of anti-social. Can’t think of an answer.
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
Uh. That blogging 30 days in a row makes me crazy and it probably isn’t worth it?
39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
“I’m just a little bit caught in the middle. Life is a maze, and love is a riddle. I don’t know where to go, can’t do it alone. I’ve tried but I don’t know why.” Lenka – The Show. I love that song.
Best picture of the year? This one. It is now on my background on my work computer.
Sheryl from Paper napkin has been doing this and I’ve really enjoyed reading it. She has been posting about the things that make her happy, something about 365 days of Grace or something like that. Anyway, since it’s the close to the end of the year 2008 (how is this possible? I once thought I wouldn’t make it to be 30 and now I’m living in the 21st century and am 41? And where the heck is my flying car?)
I kind of did something like this yesterday and figured what the heck, why not again? I doubt I could do this every day but it helps to think of pleasant things, especially when my old “friend” Depression is nipping at my heels. She’s such a bitch.
- Comments! I am a comment whore and I admit it freely.
- Friends, both IRL and on the interwebs.
- Books. I love books so very much. I love them with the passion of a thousand burning suns (the same passion for which I hate Nickelback (funny story (or sentence actually) my credit card has a contest going on where I could win the opportunity to follow Nickelback on tour for five days. If I was to win, I think I’d have to decline because you would all wake up one morning to news stories about how I bludgeoned them to death with their instruments shouting “You should not be famous! You are no-talent hacks!”).
- Um, I think I was talking about books, right? Calming down now. Hoping that no one actually budgeons Nickelback to death because I could be in big trouble.
- Anyway, books. I love to read so very much. I try to have a book with me at all times because you never know when you might have to wait for something. Especially in the break room at work. 4 minutes waiting for your lunch to heat up just flies by when you have a book.
- Food days at work. Someone brought in spiral hams and I was able to have ham sandwiches. Plus there were ham pieces that were overly cooked and those are my favorite. Mmm. Ham. Maybe I want a 3rd sandwich.
- The fact that my mom loves me enough to think about buying me an iPod for Christmas. I have, however, squashed that idea by suggesting she visit my wish list on Amazon and choose something from that.
- Joss Whedon. Neil Patrick Harris. Nathan Fillion. The fact they have combined to create Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog makes me incredibly happy. One of my suggestions on the Mom list.
- Discovering Charlaine Harris not only writes the Sookie Stackhouse books but has other series. Found Grave Sight at Barnes and Noble the other day and have been devouring it. This is a series about a woman who was struck by lightning when she was younger and can now find dead people. I love paranormal mysteries. Book 2 and 3 from the series are also on the Mom list.
- Knowing that Keem, Kari and I are going to make cookies this weekend with the nephew. Should be seriously, seriously fun. Or drive me insane. One or the other. And we need 20 pounds of flour. This scares me. That’s a lot of flour.
- Daily Dose of Imagery. He’s in Canada somewhere and takes pictures. Lots and lots of pictures. Today is a yellow tram and it is very cute.
- Music. I love having my iPod at work and whenever this particular song comes on, it makes me want to sing and dance along. It’s happy and funny and the video is really cute. I’ll have to check out her other music. Thank you iTunes for free music on Tuesdays.
- I mentioned my fondness for the LOL cats, right? At first I resisted them (it was the grammar and the spelling. It made me hurt) but I learned resistance is futile and gave in. Really, I should be pleased the cats can type instead of expecting them to spell correctly. And look! I have figured out how to insert the pictures properly! YAY!
So part of my job is tracking who has sent in questions to our Electronic Library here at NABABNA. We have a log that I have to type in information about who sent what and if we added it. Last week, I was somewhat tired and found myself nodding off at my desk. You know, your eyes start drooping, your head starts bobbing and next you know, you’re drooling on your keyboard. So far I’ve been able to avoid the keyboard drooling.
Anyway, I notice this happening last week and manage to wake myself up a little bit. I stare at what I was typing. It was supposed to be a brief description of a problem we had here, where we found out certain replacement checks had to be ordered through a different department instead of following our normal procedure. But that’s not what I wrote. No, I ended up typing “Certain Department/Cowboys cannot work together.” What? This makes no sense at all. What does the certain department have against cowboys? Is there a range feud?
Today it happens again. Except this time it is not in the log, it’s in the actual Electronic Library. The one that gets read daily by tons of people. And what I’ve written could have been displayed on the front page for all to see that I am completely insane.
Today’s information for the representatives? “Information has been added to the Electronic Library about cashing pirates.”
WTF? Am I on drugs that I am not aware of? Do I have a rich fantasy life involving work, pirates and cowboys? I have no clue. And the real question – since when can pirates be exchanged for goods and services?
I love Fail Blog and laughed so hysterically when I pulled this up on Bloglines this morning that I may have frightened Co-Worker Rykken.
Is it wrong that I really want the “Be like Jesus” t-shirt because it’s so pathetically bad in its cheesiness? The stick figure Satan makes me giggle. Plus, you know, he is my boyfriend.
So Keem is telling me this morning about this odd dream she had. Long story short, she and Patrick Dempsey are wandering through this old building. Now I can think of worse things to dream about than spending time with Patrick Dempsey (had a serious crush on him after “Can’t Buy Me Love”) so I expect that this will be an interesting glimpse into my roommate’s psyche.
And boy howdy, it is.
Apparently the old building is filled with lions and sharks. Together. Living in harmony.
DM: Are they land sharks?
Apparently not. Nor is the building filled with water. But the sharks are getting around somehow and they are hungry. So are the lions.
Keem: So I run off and leave Patrick Dempsey…
DM: Wait. You left him behind?
DM: What happened?
Keem: The lions and sharks got him.
DM: You didn’t go save him?
Keem: I’m not going into a room with lions and sharks!
DM: You let Patrick Dempsey die. I can’t believe you let him die. That’s so mean.
Keem: It was more of a “Save yourself” situation so I did.
After that, the dream turned into some weird thing where there was a fake T. Rex wandering around trying to kill Keem and one of our co-workers showed up and distracted the dinosaur with something shiny.
The dream reminded me of Saturday Night Live when it was funny and the Land Shark skit. I miss that skit. Let’s see if it is on YouTube. I couldn’t find it but I did find it here in case you need reminding of the greatness of the Land Shark.
One of my co-workers sent this to me this morning. I don’t know if this actually is a Jeff Foxworthy thing but it could be. And it is very true.
Jeff Foxworthy on Minnesota:
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by – You might live in Minnesota (Okay, I personally think this is insane).
If you’re proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation – You might live in Minnesota.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March – You might live in Minnesota (Actually the Dairy Queen is open. It’s the A&W that’s closed seasonally).
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time – You might live in Minnesota (I don’t actually wear shorts but I have worn capris and my heavy coat at the same time).
If you know how to say Wayzata (Why-zetta), Mahtomedi (Mah-toe-me-die), Cloquet (Clo-kay), Edina (Eee-dye-na) and Shakopee (Shock-oh-pee) – You might live in Minnesota.
If vacation means going “up north” for the weekend – You might live in Minnesota (Done it when I’ve gone to Brainerd for the weekend before. Not for many years but it’s been there).
You measure distance in hours – You might live in Minnesota (I didn’t even realize I’ve done this before but I will typically say “It’s about 15 minutes” as opposed to “It’s about 5 miles.”
You know several people who have hit deer more than once – You might live in Minnesota.
You often switch from “Heat” to “A/C” in the same day and back again – You might live in Minnesota (Or, in my case, you keep the air conditioning on throughout the winter).
You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching – You might live in Minnesota (fortunately I don’t know anyone who is that big of any idiot).
You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events – You might live in Minnesota (oh, dear God, no).
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked – You might live in Minnesota (maybe in the 70’s).
You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and Venison – You might live in Minnesota (No, Hell no and no).
You carry jumper cables in your car, and your girlfriend knows how to use them – You might live in Minnesota (I even know how to use jumper cables and I’ve never had a car).
There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill’s Fleet Farm at any given time – You might live in Minnesota (Don’t spend that much time at the Farm but probably true).
You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit – You might live in Minnesota (ruins a good costume if you have to wear your coat over it).
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow – You might live in Minnesota (true).
You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and of course, road construction – You might live in Minnesota (they forgot Mosquito season).
You can identify a southern or eastern accent – You might live in Minnesota (can’t everybody?).
Your idea of creative landscaping is a plastic deer next to your blue spruce – You might live in Minnesota (personally I prefer pink flamingos).
If “Down South” to you means Iowa – You might live in Minnesota.
You know “a brat” is something you eat – You might live in Minnesota (I had brats this weekend. Yum).
You find -10 degrees “a little chilly” – You might live in Minnesota (depends on what time of the year it is (if we’ve had a cold snap of minus 30 degrees for a week or more at a time, then yes, minus 10 is “a little chilly.”)
You actually understand these jokes – You DO live in Minnesota (or Wisconsin).