The only good clown?

Keem and I are at McDonald’s this morning, getting breakfast. She decides to contribute a dollar to the Ronald McDonald house and receives a small slip of paper thanking her for her donation.

DM: You can hang this up at your cubicle so every one can see how wonderful you are.
Keem: Uh, no. You can hang it up at yours if you want.
DM: No, that’s not going to happen. It has clowns on it.

Pause.

DM: Although Ronald McDonald has been around for years and he doesn’t really scare me.
Keem: There is that.
DM: I’ve never heard of him going insane and killing anyone.

So the question I put before you, my friends, is Ronald McDonald the only decent clown out there or does he have a really good PR department?

Welcome to my world. This is what I think of at 6:45 in the morning. It’s a little frightening.

No, Joe, I have not watched the movie yet.* Beth and I have talked about doing a double feature so I can confront my fears. The other movie would be The Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. Tomatoes are, in case you were not aware of it, evil. Yeah. I admit to having some strange phobias. Heights, elevators, spiral staircases, vampires lurking in the freezer, clowns and tomatoes. Although the tomato thing is more about how I hate eating them, not that I think they’re going to jump out and eat me.

*To those of you not in the loop, Joe sent me a "present", a DVD of Killer Klowns From Outer Space. I have not yet watched this because, hello, I’m afraid of clowns! I blame Stephen King.

Completely Unbiased Movie Reviews

Because Beth had Veteran’s Day off, we decided to go to a movie. We have been avidly looking forward to seeing the newest George Clooney movie, "The Men Who Stare at Goats."

Beth picked me up and we drove to Carmike Oakdale 20. As always, we proved that I should not be in charge of directions because I told her to take 694 instead of 494. This was not correct. Apparently that number in front of the highway name is fairly important. Fortunately, we were able to turn around fairly quickly and made it to the theater in time to see the advertisements and previews.

The first preview was for a new Mel Gibson movie (snore). At first I thought it was going to be the sequel to "What Women Want" (which, if you ask me, is not Mel Gibson (or, for that matter, Helen Hunt (she annoys me)) but it turns out that Mr. Gibson is a cop and his daughter is killed. I’m not giving away the plot here because that’s revealed in the first 10 seconds of the trailer. Mr. Hard-Nosed Cop decides to find out why his daughter was killed and meets Mysterious Guy. They exchange some vaguely hard-nosed and mysterious sentences and then Mel is on the run, trying to get to the bottom of things. He’s being attacked, things are blowing up, etc. Then he says it:

Mel: You had better decide whether you’re hangin’ on the cross… or bangin’ in the nails.

Beth and I both burst into laughter because that’s just the most ridiculous line ever. There was also a group of men in the front of the theater that started laughing as well. I am thinking that the writers of this movie were probably not expecting that reaction. But hello, every line in this trailer was pure cliché. Especially when Mel’s using his grating, "I am a macho, embittered man who has nothing to lose (which he says at one point as well) because my daughter is dead" voice. Later, when we were still laughing over this, Beth said the movie should be called "The Cliché" instead of "Edge of Darkness."

The previews for "2012" and "Avatar" play. Beth and I agree that they both seem stupid but John Cusack is still pretty cute. Not cute enough to see 2012 for, unfortunately.

The next preview plays. In this small town, people seem to be getting sick. They start staring off into space and then start killing people for no apparent reason. Beth and I are trying to figure out if this is a zombie movie. It seems zombie like. There’s this woman strapped to a cot and some weird looking guy is dragging a pitchfork or something forked and is just about to slam it into her head. Obviously it’s a scary movie. No, don’t need to see this, thanks much.

Then the name of the movie flashed onto the screen. Obviously it’ll be something edgy and dark and scary, right? Uh, no.

It’s called "The Crazies."

Yet again, Beth and I start laughing. Seriously, what? This is the most menacing title you could come up with? Why not call it "The Mondays" while you’re at it (as in "Sounds like someone’s got a case of the Mondays)?

Soon later, we were able to watch the movie we came for. "The Men Who Stare at Goats" is actually quite funny. It is not the best movie ever but it was amusing and fun and that’s what I like in a movie. Plus I do enjoy the occasional conspiracy theory (despite my feelings about Mel Gibson, I do love the movie "Conspiracy Theory"). George Clooney is amazing and I love him. I would recommend going to see it but you could probably save yourself a couple bucks and go to the matinee. Why are movies $10 now? That’s just crazy talk.

Other movies I have seen lately were "Couples Retreat" which was cute and "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" which was phenomenal! "Cloudy" was one of the best movies I’ve seen this year. That honor also belongs to "Star Trek" and "The Proposal".

My desktop at work is four scenes from Star Trek. The crew staring at Spock. Spock strangling Kirk. Kirk climbing out of the shuttle craft on the ice planet. Kirk sitting in Spock’s chair while Bones and Spock look wise. I loved that movie. Every day I announce to my co-workers how many days it is until the DVD is out (today it is 5). They have not yet killed me for this. I’m thinking it could happen soon.

Have you seen any good movies lately?

Very Bookish!

Hey!  I am really behind on blogs and I apologize!  I will get caught up one of these days.

Meanwhile, I’m posting an online discussion for Very Bookish.  I read the best book ever, The Lightning Thief by Rick Riordan (no, I never exaggerate.  Not me) and decided to share it with the world (well, part of the world).  If you want to read along, check it out here.

I just found out today that it’s going to be a movie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In case you can’t tell, I’m very excited.  Greek mythology?  Modern times?  Makes me happy!

CYOB – Choose Your Own Blogventure

Remember the Choose Your Own Adventure books?  Where you could, well, choose your adventure by making choices and flipping to the next page in the book?  And how your character always seemed to die horribly?  At least mine did.  NancyPearlWannabe decided it would be cool to do this on the Internet and the Blogventure was born.

Don’t read the following yet, please go to NPW’s blog and let your adventure start!

I hope you listened to me and went to NPW’s blog!

Are you ready?

Okay, let’s go!

Hi, you’ve arrived here from Gabriel’s blog!  Let the scariness commence!

“Look, Ryan,” Kate said, backing away from the boy.  ”You seem nice and all but really, I’m not in the mood to be tasted.”  Kate stretched out her hand to Julie. “C’mon, we’re out of here.  And, Ryan, if you’re smart, you’ll come with us too.”

Ryan looked terrified at the thought.  ”Leave?  I can’t leave.  It’s safer here.  Really, it is.  A few bites is nothing compared to what is waiting for you outside.”

“Bites?  No way!  Dude, we are so gone.”  Kate grabbed Julie’s hand and they ran back down the hallway.

Ryan cried out after them “No!  You can’t go back that way!  It’s not safe!”  Kate ignored him.  Whatever was supposedly outside had to be safer than whatever was biting Ryan.  Plus, he was kind of creepy with how he knew their names and said he was called “The Doll” or “The Eye.”

After running for about five minutes, Julie stopped and gasped for breath.  ”Where’s the door?”

“What do you mean?” Kate asked.  ”It’s right there!”  She stopped and stared in disbelief.  The door was gone.  The hallway stretched out before them.  ”Oh, what the heck is going on here?”

“Maybe we should go back,” Julie said.

“No!  I am not going to get bit by some creature!  We need to find our way out of here!”  Kate stared between two columns on her right.  Had she seen a flicker of something?  Or was her mind playing tricks on her?  ”Did you bring a flashlight?  I think there’s something there.”

“Yeah, like my mom would let me out of the house without one.”  Julie dug in her bag and pulled out a small flashlight.  She focused the beam on where Kate was pointing.  The light fell on nothing but marble at first but then it danced to a pair of shoes.

Julie slowly raised the small light and focused on the face of the owner of the shoes.  ”Hi.  My friend and I are lost.  Can you help us get out of here?” She walked towards the figure waiting between the columns.

Kate stared at her friend, terrified.  How could Julie trust this person?  Weren’t the pale white face, bright red lips and piercing blue eyes enough to warn her?  Didn’t she realize what he was?

“Julie, no!  Don’t go near him!”  Kate reached out to pull her friend away but it was too late.  Julie was smiling up at the man, not recognizing the face of pure evil when she saw it.  As Kate watched in horror, one meaty hand extended from the man’s side.  He clasped Julie’s hand in his own.

Kate heard a giggle behind her.  She whirled around and saw more hideous apparitions standing behind her.  They were streaming out from between the Doric columns.  There were hundreds of them!  How on earth did they fit into the hallway?

Ryan came dancing down the hallway, a miniature top hat now on his head.  A spotlight followed him as he walked up to a microphone.  ”Come one!  Come all!  It’s the great Halloween Extravaganza Circus!  Send in the clowns!”

The clowns kept walking towards Kate.  Red noses and brightly painted faces leered at her.  There was no longer any sign of Julie.  All Kate could see were the clowns.  The horrible, evil, frightening clowns!  Kate started screaming as loudly as she could but no one could hear her.  Except for the clowns.  A rainbow of colors kept coming at her.  One of the clowns bumped into her and Kate fell backwards onto the floor.  Big floppy shoes slapped the ground in front of her.  Kate knew she would soon be trampled to death.  She squeezed her eyes shut.

“Mom!  Hey, mom!”  Kate felt someone shaking her and opened her eyes.

“What?”

“You were screaming,” her ten year old son said, laughing down at her.  ”Was it the clown dream again?”

“God!  Yes, Ryan, it was horrible!   They were everywhere.  You woke me up just before they trampled me.”  Kate sat up and stared at her son accusingly.  ”You were the ring master!”

“Cool.  Did I have a top hat?”  Ryan shook his head. “No, don’t tell me.  You’ll just freak out again.” He slipped off the bed and headed out of Kate’s bedroom.  ”Oh.  Who is Julie?”

“What?”  Kate stared after her son. “Where’d you hear that name?”

“You were screaming it.  Who is she?”

Kate answered slowly “She was my best friend when I was younger.  I haven’t seen her in years.”  Her eyes dropped to her hand.  She was clutching a key.  The key from her dream.

Later, after Ryan and his father had gone out to get donuts, Kate slipped into the basement.  In the far corner, hidden from view, was a trunk.  A big, black trunk, big enough to hide a person in.  Kate opened the trunk using the iron key.  There, still dressed in her costume from years before, was the mummified body of Kate’s best friend.  The one that had disappeared “mysteriously” years ago and never been seen again.

“You shouldn’t have made me go to the circus, bitch.  You knew how I feel about clowns.  I told you I would get you for that!”

Slamming the trunk lid down made Kate feel a little bit better.  As she walked up the stairs, she worried about Ryan hearing her cry out Julie’s name.

“Oh, it’s not that big of a deal,” she whispered to herself.  ”If you need to, you can always buy another trunk.”

THE END

Some random things

With bullet points! Woo-hoo!

• One of my friends lent me her copy of Southern Rain, a Billy Ray Cyrus CD. I am not sure what to make of the fact that I actually really like his singing. This just seems so wrong somehow. Not as wrong as liking Kid Rock’s All Summer Long but still…
• I am recovering from a bout with the something. I’m not exactly sure what I had/have but it is nasty and I want to go back to bed. I was out of work yesterday and am wondering if I should have returned today. Mainly I’m just coughing an awful lot but I did have a fever and a headache that would not quit.
• I called Keem at work yesterday and left the following message for her:

DM: I had a dream where someone cut out my brain and that made my head stop hurting and then I woke up and my brain was still in my head and it really hurts and now I wish someone would cut it out.

• I believe Keem’s response was "Vittum, you are weird."
• Keem has a candy dish at her desk and she has stocked it with mini Almond Joy bars, which are, in case you are not aware of this, the most perfect American candy bar ever (the most perfect international candy bar would be the Lindt Pistachio (whole hazelnuts in a pistachio cream, covered with milk chocolate)).
• I was grabbing an Almond Joy and a Starburst when Keem looked up at me and mouthed the word "One."
• Keem is kind of bossy and likes to tell me how much candy I can have (which is actually a good thing because otherwise I would eat the entire bucket).
• I had quite possibly the most perfect response to that:

DM (holding up the Starburst): These have Vitamin C in them!

Keem (rolls her eyes and tries to keep from laughing): I’m sorry, could you repeat that?

• I took the fact that I made her flub a call as permission to take the extra candy and hightailed it out of there.
• Occasionally Keem and I will walk on our lunch. Today was one of those days.
• Keem stopped at the bathroom first and I sat down on the somewhat couch-like thingy in the lobby.
• I was somewhat bored and did not have a book so I did the most normal thing possible.
• I should rephrase that and say the most Dana thing possible.
• The most Dana thing possible was to flop over on my side and play dead.
• My boss chose to walk by a moment later. The boss who has been dealing with the fact that half of her team has been in and out of the office with what may or may not be the swine flu. Oh, sorry, H1N1.

Cheryl: Dana, are you okay?
DM: I have died from waiting for Keem too long.
Cheryl (laughs and walks away)

• Keem did not greet me with the same concern. Keem tried to roll me off of the couch-like thingy. Keem is mean that way.
• Walking around the parking lot, something that I normally do without any problem whatsoever, turned me into a wheezing, panting, tired Dana. Apparently I am not so over this plague or whatever you want to call it.
• Anyway, that’s about it. Except for the fact that I will be participating in the most exciting thing known to mankind, the Choose Your Own Blogventure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• The multiple exclamation points just prove how exciting this is. For more information about the CYOB, please visit NPW’s blog, creator of the CYOB, empress of awesome and all sorts of other things (she’s a librarian! Do you have any idea how awesome that is?).
• Also, I will be contributing to an online book club in November. I will be discussing a book that I adored, called The Lightning Thief, by Rick Riordan. No one is commenting on my book choice yet and it makes me feel bad and unloved. Please go read the information and tell me how much you look forward to reading the book with me. Please. After all, I am sick and could possibly keel over a couch-like thingy at any time. And not be faking! Plus, I think my interview answers are cute and adorable but no one has commented on that as well. The Very Bookish people seem to be a tough crowd.

If you had any doubt that Kalli was demon spawn, here is the proof

Last night, Beth and I went up to karaoke to see Bryan. As we were standing outside, hanging with Annie and Bryan while they had a cigarette (okay, yes, I had one too), I mentioned a problem in my home.

DM: I need to find a eating disorder support group for cats.
Beth: Eddy being bulimic again?

Eddy goes through these stages where he throws up everything he eats. It’s really kind of gross.

DM: Yes. And Kalli’s eating everything in sight.
Bryan: I thought you said you needed to find a support group for people who are eating cats.

He pretends he’s someone who is eating cats who finds himself at a support group for people trying to solve their cats eating disorder.

Bryan: Oh, sorry, I think I’m in the wrong group.

So very wrong but yet, so very funny.

Anyway, the point to this is that a couple of weeks ago, our friend Annette stayed over at the apartment to watch the cats because Keem and I were out of town. Annette took some random pictures of the cats (she loves to kitt-sit, as she calls it).

I thought this one particularly caught the essence of Kalli and her desire to devour everything she can get her little mouth on. Especially if it belongs to Eddy.

Compare this to the picture at the top of my blog. That sweet little gray, white and tan ball of fur has turned into a monster. A huge monster that has more than doubled in size. Do they make treadmills that are cat sized?

Tonight! Appearing for one night only!

It’s the SR Sensations!

I will be performing for charity tonight at the VFW in South Saint Paul at 6 PM.

It will be very exciting. And just a little nerve racking since we’re singing Stop! In the Name of Love.

I’m the lead. Diana Ross has a much higher voice than I do so I hope I don’t mess it up too much.

A taste of what’s to come (pictures and possibly video):

Wish us luck!

I’m the one with the reddish hair and the black glasses, in case you were wondering.

Technology: 453,000 Dana: 0

Today I logged into my computer and got an error message. Something about my something being out of date and I need to something. I ignored it and continued to set up my computer for the day. Then I tried to get into email. Uh-oh. Something is wrong. I can’t open up the mailbox for the Electronic Resource Library. This is not good. I need to access this. It’s very important.

Panic ensues. For the few minutes it takes me to decide I’ll work on monitoring instead. Except I can’t work on monitoring. I have a system. ER-Library in the morning, monitoring in the afternoon. I have to follow the system. I need to be able to access my email. WHY IS THIS NOT WORKING?

After many curse words later, I find Jaime and ask him to fix my stupid computer (his words, not mine. He saved a post-it note of mine that I left for him about a year ago that says "Jaime. My stupid computer is being stupid." It makes him laugh).

I point out the many things that are aggravating me. "Look. I can’t click here. And I have to choose send/receive email in order to receive any email. This is very irritating."

Jamie: Dana. You’re offline.

DM: Yeah but that’s because of the something error message. Right?
Jamie: Let me see.

He takes my mouse away from me (ARGH! Not my mouse!) and closes Outlook. He then opens it again and changes my status to Online (or connected, technically). Emails pop in, I am able to get into the ER-Library inbox. Life is good.

Except that I am incredibly embarrassed and irritated. He walks away (quietly chuckling to himself) as I am muttering "Stupid technology and its stupid rules."

Someday I’m going to be rich and will have a tech staff that will deal with all my problems with "You’re right, oh great and wondrous one. That is a very difficult problem. Why don’t you sit here and read a book and we’ll take of it for you?" And they will serve me Coke Zero. And there will be no laughing at me! Well, at least where I can hear them. Unless, of course, it is good blog fodder.

This is almost as bad as the time I told my boss my monitor wasn’t working and he came over and hit the on button. Almost.

Posting via email

I haven’t been posting much (or commenting either) because there’s this whole rule about using company property to blog, use Facebook, etc. Technically this has been in effect for a really long time but I may have possibly ignored it. I’m not saying. Anyway, Coffee Drinking Woman figured that you could post via email which is the one thing I miss about BlogSpot. Imagine my joy!!!

This is my test email. I guess we’ll see if it works if you all learn about my shame.

So Beth and I listen to one Celine Dion song. Only one. It is one that we mock mercilessly because apparently the Diva makes these grandiose arm gestures and motions when she is singing it (I’ve never seen the video). It, like most of her other songs, is incredibly dramatic and over the top. Whenever this song comes on, Beth and I start making up our own hand and arm gestures, motioning to our (invisible) love to not leave us. The first time I saw Beth do this, I thought she was insane but I soon learned how much fun this is. You get to lip sync as well. It makes us laugh and laughing is always a good thing, right?

Yeah. Sometimes. Not when you’re sitting at your desk, minding your own business and turn around to see your co-worker standing there, mouth wide open. Because you just happened to be listening to music and, since your arms and back are a little stiff, decided to lift some weights to see if you could loosen up. And then Ms. Dion chooses that time to play so you’re waving your arms around, motioning to the above mentioned (invisible) lover to not leave you. There may have been jazz hands involved. I’m not saying. Christy, however, probably will be. She has decided this might be her Facebook status. Sigh.

In other news, I have joined a girl group and we’ll be performing in West Saint Paul in October. Yes, really. Well, sort of. Every year my company does a big drive for a large charity organization and this year one of the departments decided to host a karaoke “contest.” I was informed by my boss’s boss (Sue) that I would be participating (she actually asked me if I wanted to join her and a co-worker (Nicole) and I said “Hell to the YES! Perform in public and in front of my peers? Of course (I may be paraphrasing there)!” Sue had gone shopping at a costume shop and picked up flapper headbands, beads and boas. I decided I needed to get my hair cut.

Meet Louise Brooks, the silent movie star that made the bob so famous and was the primary person that showed up in Google Images for “flapper hair style.” I brought her picture into Fantastic Sam’s and now have her hair (except not that dark) and her eyebrows. Now I just need some dark red lipstick and black eyeliner and I am ready to go.

Co-Worker Christy: Dana, you don’t wear makeup.
DM: I will for this. I am that dedicated to my music.

I have not bought a flapper dress, mainly because to get one that would fit me, it would cost over $100. I am not that dedicated to my music. But I am looking forward to this. The specific charity we are donating to is www.freeartsminnesota.com: a nonprofit organization dedicated to bringing the healing power of artistic expression into the lives of abused, neglected and at-risk children and their families. That is pretty cool if you ask me.

It’s ALIVE!

Yes, I am alive.  I just got back from an excellent vacation in South Dakota with Beth and her mom.  I will be posting pictures soon and an actual post but here is something to tide over those of you who need your Dana fix (Sheryl, I adore you, btw!):

Random Dana things:

• If you decide to stay until 1:30 for no reason whatsoever (okay, there was a reason, I was trying to figure out what the heck Kanye West did to Taylor Swift and if I cared or not.  Turns out, Kanye West is kind of a jerk but Taylor Swift’s hair still makes me crazy so no, I don’t really care), you will be tired the next day
• When you are tired, you tend to think/write/say weird things
• Such as, when you’re monitoring one of the reps and are trying to tell them what a great job they did on their call, you will write “When doing a transfer, it is important to keep the werewolves separated.”
• Uh, what?  This is quite possibly the weirdest thing I have ever thought/written/said during a “Dana is extremely tired” phase.  I think this tops telling the stock owner he could sell his shares over the phone, in writing or placing them in the overhead compartment (jet lag.  I meant online) or telling another stock owner she could sell her shares by bringing them to the invisible fence (the thing that still gets me about this is that she never questioned that.  There may be a woman wandering around trying to find an invisible fence!  This was also jet lag)
• When I told my co-workers Beau and Rykken about this, there was that pause.  The pause that usually comes before them realizing that I am, quite possibly, insane.  Although they may already know that
• I did, of course, change the sentence to read something normal but told the rep because I thought she would appreciate it (she did)
• In case you are wondering, the separation of the werewolves is because I just finished three books by Marlene Perez (The Dead Is series) and recommend them to anyone that likes a good Young Adult book and is fond of vampires, werewolves and the occasional banshee but also appreciates good writing
• The books have been described as Veronica Mars meets Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  Can you say awesome?  I knew you could!
• Okay, my roommate is yelling at me, apparently I should be taking a shower.  More later, my lovelies!