ARGH. BLECH. GRR.

I am sick.  I know, it’s a total shock, right?  Completely sucks.

All last week, Keem was sick and I was amazed that I didn’t catch whatever crud she had.  I may have, as much as it hurts me to admit this, gotten a teeny bit cocky about it.

Yeah, there’s a word for what happens to people like me.  It’s Karma and she’s kind of a bitch.  Monday, co-worker Jessica sneezed in my general direction.  That afternoon I sneezed twice.  By 7 PM, I was coughing.  The next morning, I was going to go to work but that was cut short by my managing to get violently ill.  So I was out for 3 days.

It was so very exciting.  I’d watch some TV and go take a nap.  Play a little bit of FarmVille and go take a nap.  Feed the cats and go take a nap.  I would not have returned to work yesterday if it wasn’t for the fact that it was the end of the month (a day I hate completely and totally) and I had a lot of monitoring to catch up on.  It’s all done but I was at work until 9:30 last night.  Keem was less than thrilled.

Right now, I am awake because my throat hurts.  Since my nose is stuffed up, I can’t use my CPAP.  So I have to breathe through my mouth which makes my throat really sore.  My lips feel similar to sandpaper.  Oh, and I think my ear drum is angry again.  Freakin’ stupid ear infection is back.

If that wasn’t enough, I’ve been having odd dreams.  Earlier this week, there was one about how Co-worker Rykken and I worked for the X-Men and he was part werewolf.  And he had to move a lot of boxes in order to save the world.  Yeah, I have no clue.

Another one was how I was protesting rainbows or people against rainbows or something.  My sign was pretty and sparkly and rainbow colored with a picture of Judi Dench on it.  The sign caption was “Judi Dench taught me how to sing.”  What the heck does that even mean?

The one that woke me up (or that might have been Kalli, deciding she’s starving again) was dreaming I was at the laundromat that I used to go to when I lived in Madison.  I glanced over and Darth Vader was standing next to me, shoving a bunch of clothes into a machine.  I thought “Huh.  Darth Vader doesn’t sort his light and dark sides.  That’s got to cause chaos.”

I don’t even like Star Wars.  Why am I dreaming about it?  Stupid Nyquil.

Okay, I am done whining.  I promise to check out your blogs soon and hope you avoid the plague like crap going around like the plague.

Poor, poor pitiful neglected blog

HI! So, what’s up? I apparently went on hiatus but neglected to tell anyone about it.

Anyway, a few things have happened.

My new New Year’s Resolution

You may not remember this but, several years ago, a co-worker asked me what my New Year’s Resolution was and I replied “To not kill anyone this year.” And, amazingly, this is a resolution that I have managed to keep since 2005! Isn’t that awesome? Considering that I can be, in the vernacular of the street, a real bitch sometimes (okay, I just like writing the word vernacular. It’s fun!), the fact that I have not actually stabbed anyone to death with my fork is pretty great.

Well, I’m here to tell you that I have a new resolution. One that I will hopefully be able to keep for many years to come. It is simply this: To not set myself on fire again.

So Beth and I are in her car, headed to Michael’s because we are scrapbookers and must feed our addiction. I am enjoying a refreshing cigarette (menthol so that’s where the refreshing comes in). The window is open, the (really, really freakin’ cold) breeze is rushing in and all is good. Until I drop the cigarette.

Remember aforementioned breeze? Yep. Lifted that sucker up and blew it right back at me. And somehow managed to end up inside my coat, on my shoulder.

I start slapping frantically at myself.

B: Are you on fire?
DM: Apparently! Ack! It burns!* I can’t reach it!

*Note that I am a master of the obvious. I am on fire and it burns. Who knew?

I continue slapping at myself in a most futile manner.

B: Did you want to get out of the car? We’re at a stop sign.
DM: Good idea! ARGH! I can’t open the seat belt! How does this work? Oh my GOD!

Beth, who obviously can remain calm in a crisis, leans over and releases the seat belt button for me.

I fly out of the car and do a strange, hopping little dance. The cigarette removes itself from my skin. All is right within my world again. Except, of course, for the huge burn that is starting to throb!*

*Okay, it wasn’t huge. There was a very slight welt. I don’t even know if this would count as a first degree burn. Is there a half of a degree burn? But I have a low tolerance for pain (you should hear me complain about paper cuts) and was somewhat of a whiny baby for a little while.

DM (getting back into the car): Well. Let’s not do that again.

Later, when we are walking into Michael’s (or possibly Walgreens), we are discussing the game we were playing the night before (Password. Seriously fun. Especially when I’m involved because I am horrible at explaining things). The phrase was rock star and, while I can’t remember exactly what I said to Beth, I believe I used Astronomy or constellations as part of the clue.

Beth mentions how I could have used Mick Jagger as a clue. Then we discuss how something (can’t remember what it is) is rock star.

DM: Do you know what is not rock star? Setting yourself on fire!

Someone gave my nephew a sword. We are doomed.

Last night, Josh received his blue belt. Apparently that means he’s now training with a sword, according to my brother-in-law’s Facebook status. A wooden sword, but still…this is a bit alarming. Unless, of course, we are attacked by vampires. Then it would come in handy.

Overheard at Work

So yesterday, Co-worker Carla and I are discussing clothing (one of the few things that we can discuss without having to cut our conversations short (she’s a Republican. I am so very not a Republican. We have agreed to never ever discuss politics. She ignores my Coexist bumper sticker and I ignore her shrine to Ronald Reagan).

I mention how I will continue to wear sleeveless shirts, regardless of the fact that I have arms the size of Christmas hams (which is a slight exaggeration. They’re not the size of hams. Maybe a big old turkey drumstick).

DM: I figure, you know what, if people don’t like it, that’s too damn bad. Life is too short to worry about this stuff.
Carla: True (like she has to worry, Miss I Could Be a Fashion Model).
DM: Besides, if my semi-evil android boyfriend is ever invented, he will love me for who I am. Well, maybe not love. Since he won’t have emotions.

Co-worker Jessica chooses this time to fall on the floor, laughing. Apparently I discuss my future (semi-evil) android boyfriend often.

Hey, can I help it if Gene Roddenberry ruined me for real men? Between Data and Captain Kirk (plus Bones, Sulu and Spock (from the new movie), I am afraid my dating needs will not be met until sometime in the far, far future. Oh, well, I can wait.

Possible reason why I am going to Hell

Beth and I are watching the last few minutes of Dick Clark’s Rocking New Year countdown or whatever the heck it is called. It’s tradition; even though they insist on letting Ryan Seacrest co-host it with him (I hate Ryan Seacrest. However, if you were to ask me why this is, I can not give you a logical reason. Other than the fact that he irritates the heck out of me).

Dick Clark comes on the screen.

I know. He had a stroke. I think he’s actually quite brave and this is very sweet that he’s still doing something he absolutely loves. But I am somewhat evil.

DM: You know how I said I wanted an android boyfriend?
B: Yes.
DM: That is not what I had in mind.

I am so going to Hell. Sigh. Oh, well, at least Satan is my fake boyfriend. I won’t be too lonely.

See you next decade* and also, something you may not know.

*People that say see you next year kind of annoy me. So I started saying see you next decade to be even more annoying. It’s my job.

You may not know this but your co-workers will be more accepting of your stories of “things I did years ago when I was drunk or stoned because I was an idiot” than they are of you admitting that you really love the song “Burn Down the Trailer Park” by Billy Ray Cyrus. I believe Christy’s reaction to the Billy Ray Cyrus thing was “Dana. No, you do not.”

Now, for other stuff:

Every year I like to look back at the previous year and see what has happened. It reminds me of a lot of things – I’m getting old. My life is really boring. I have awesome friends.
1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?

Turned 42 and finally became the meaning of life.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don’t know if I made one. If I did, it was probably to lose weight (didn’t happen), monitor my blood sugar better (hahahahaha) or not kill anyone. Hey, one out of three’s pretty decent, right? And not being in jail is a good thing!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth or adopt?

No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Two of the greatest cats known to mankind. Sebastian, my sister’s cat and Mac, my former cat who was adopted by Beth’s mom and lived the life of Riley. Who is Riley and why is his life so awesome? I wonder these things.

5. What countries did you visit?

I did not visit countries but I did go to South Dakota which was very fun!

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

Money is always welcome. I would also like a boyfriend but, since I don’t really like people that much (or shaving my legs), I’d appreciate it if someone could work on inventing an android for me. Like Data or, preferably, Lore because I like my men a little bit evil.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Um. Wow. I have no clue. March 11, 2009? I turned 42? Memory is not that awesome, sorry.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Climbing to the bottom of a cave, many, many feet under ground and not dying. Then getting myself out of the cave without dying. Hey, Beth is a cave junkie and I will do things to make my friends happy.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I don’t have failures. I am too awesome. If you want to get technical, yet again I did not lose the weight I keep telling myself I’m going to lose.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I was in a car accident. It was not awesome. My back and neck were pretty much screwed up for awhile.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Oh, I’m going to stick with books again. I love books.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Beth and Keem. My nephew who is awesome.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

I was going to say no one but I forgot about my new reality TV show where I go around and tell reality “stars” how much they annoy me. I will make millions.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Books. Scrapbooking stuff. The occasional piece of clothing

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

South Dakota, baby! Seeing Mount Rushmore and Crazy Horse again.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?

Uh. I never know what to say. I don’t really associate music with years. I’m just crazy that way.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder?

happier

b) thinner or fatter?

Fatter

c) richer or poorer?

poorer

I’m adding d

d) awesome or awesomer?

awesomer!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Scrapbooking. Actually planning pages but in my defense, I tried and I really suck at it.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

The ear infection from hell is on my list here. I could have used less of that and also, I think it’s coming back.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

I went to LaCrosse and spent it with Keem’s family. It was fun!

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?

No.

22. How many one-night stands?

Ha. Ha, ha, ha. Yeah, I haven’t had sex in over a decade. I’m certainly not going to waste my time on a one night stand.

23. What was your favorite TV program?

The Big Bang Theory, Psych and Burn Notice – Bruce Campbell is hot. So are nerds.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I would say Norm Coleman but I don’t really care about him now that he’s not in office. Absence makes the heart hate less in his case.

25. What was the best book you read?

I cannot just pick one book. It’s impossible. I did really enjoy the Jennifer Scales series though.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I don’t know that I have one. I really like music too much to pick one song.

27. What did you want and get?

I bought a hat! That actually looks good on me. That’s a small miracle right there. Plus, it is pink and grey!

28. What did you want and not get?

World peace, a semi-evil android boyfriend, my Queen of the Universe powers

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

Star Trek! Inglorious Basterds was a very close second.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Went to Fogo de Chao (yummy!) and the opera! We go to the opera every year but Fogo was a new twist to our routine.  I turned 42.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

I have an awesome bunch of friends so I can’t say that anything would have. I managed to take my pills during most of the year so I was pretty happy most of the time.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

This doesn’t change. I do not have a fashion concept. Although I do believe I had pink hair this year.

33. What kept you sane?

Beth. Keem. Effexor. Blogging and reading blogs. This doesn’t change.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Chris Peck. Zachary Quinto. Karl Urban. The really cute guy that played Chekov. Why, yes, this is all Star Trek related. I even think JJ Abrams is kind of cute.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

I’m not allowed to talk about politics at work anymore. I have a Republican sitting next to me. We’ve established we can discuss fashion, food, working out and what we think should be done to child molesters (castration and/or death).

36. Who did you miss?

My grandmother, always.

37. Who was the best new person you met?

I’m so not good at people. Although there are three new guys at work that both love comic books so I have new people to talk to about them instead of babbling at Rykken all the time.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:

Oh, gosh, um, pineapple has anti-inflammatory properties?

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

When it rains, I don’t mind being lonely
I cry right along with the sky
When it rains, I don’t pretend to be happy
I don’t even have to try
When it rains, some people get down to sportin’ a frown
So I fit right in
Yeah the sun may brighten your day but if I had my way I’d take the rain

Eli Black Band – When It Rains. I think it’s better to say this didn’t fit my year and that makes me happy (plus, seriously catchy song)

Best picture of the year?

This one. A picture of me that I don’t hate. That’s very rare.

Pictures!

I participated in an International Secret Santa (or Santa Paws as we’ve been calling it since Stinkypaw hosted it).

I got the most adorable card from Stinkypaw today.  I don’t have a picture of it because I brought it to work so you’ll have to trust me that it’s very cute.

I came home to find my package from my Secret Sant Paws!  I know who it’s from but I can’t remember if we’re supposed to post who we think it yet.  I will be sending a coded message to the person though that says thanks!

Anyway, there was a note in there that says the following:

Fetish:  an object (as a small stone carving of an animal) believed to have magical power to protect or aid its owner.  (Note:   don’t really believe they have magical power – I just think they’re cool.)

I have made these little “fetishes” in different shapes for friends several times in the past, and I swear to you they always turned out really cool.  Clearly, though, “frog” is not in my repertoire, as this little guy is sort of an exercise in ridiculosity.  (It’s a word if I say it’s a word, right?)  Nonetheless, I am sending him along in hopes that you might enjoy his sheer absurdity.

The bracelet is handmade, as well…but clearly the rest of the little items are not hand- or homemade - I just thought you would enjoy something that actually worked out exactly as planned.  Hee.

Merry, merry Christmas!!

Anyway, here are some pictures!

I pulled the “fetish” out of the packet and started giggling right away.  I think he’s adorable and I would keep him at home except that Kalli and Eddy thought he was theirs and he wouldn’t have lasted much longer!  There’s also a frog bookmark (so cute and very handy since I am constantly leaving bookmarks in the books!).

There’s also frog paper clips!  And cute little cat paper clips!  And the card is also seriously cute (yes, there’s a theme here of cuteness)!

And a pink bracelet with frogs!!!!  CUTE!  CUTE!!!!  CUTE!!!!!!!!

As you can see, the bracelet goes lovely with my new hair cut and my outfit.

Except, of course, that I have my hand over my wrist.  Why do I pose like this?  Weird. 

Anyway, I was having a stupid day and this completely made it 100% better!

If my Santa Paws person likes my gift half as much as  like mine, they will be totally thrilled!

50 things

50 things

Liz posted this on Facebook awhile back and, since I really have nothing going on right now (except I got a haircut that’s awfully cute and sent off my Secret Santa gift today), decided to waste some time filling it out. I admit to being a meme junkie, what can I say?

1. If your doctor told you TODAY that you were pregnant, what would you say?
Considering I haven’t had sex in over 10 years, I don’t think I would be saying anything. I would probably faint or scream hysterically.

2. Do you trust all of your friends?
They wouldn’t be my friends if I didn’t.

3. Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?
Possibly. Depends on the state and/or country. Because if it’s Alaska? He’s on his own. If it’s Portugal, we’ll be leaving tomorrow.

4. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
I guess it depends on what it is. 500 children being killed by an earthquake does not have any purpose that I can see. Robber being tripped by dog? That works.

5. Can you make a dollar in change right now?
Sure. If you don’t mind that over 50 cents will be in pennies.

6. Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor?
Kim. She liked Science and all that icky stuff in high school.

7. Are you afraid of falling in love?
Not if it is for my semi-evil android boyfriend. You know the one that hasn’t been invented yet. I yearn.

8. What kind of car were you driving 2 years ago?
I do not drive. Why is there always a driving/car question on these things?

9. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times?
My semi-evil android boyfriend.

10. What’s your most favorite scar?
I have a couple of scars. I don’t know if I have a favorite exactly. The one on my wrist is kind of cool but nobody knows what it’s from, including my mother. The one on my left hand is pretty small but it has an interesting story. I was attacked by a cactus and had a ton of cactus needles buried in my hand so I had to have minor surgery.

11. When was the last time you flew in a plane?
2005 when I went to Portugal

12. What did the last text message you sent say?
I don’t even have a cell phone. I wouldn’t be able to text because I hate text speak. If you can’t spell it out completely, it’s not worth it. Email is my preferred method of communication.

13. What physical features do you find most attractive in the preferred sex?
Oh, I have a few but it really depends on the guy. I find a lot of different men attractive and the reactions of my friends is either “Oh, yes, I agree” or “You are insane.” Okay, they’ve never actually said I was insane but they’ve looked at me like I’m crazy. The one standard feature that I find the most attractive is I am a sucker for blue eyes. Especially piercing blue eyes. Yum. Or beards. Nice, full beards.

14. Fill in the blank. I love:
Making people laugh.

15. What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future?
Win the lottery. Oh, wait, maybe I should say buy a lottery ticket first.

16. If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended time who would you call?
My sister. She would put me back in the coma if I didn’t.

17. How many kids do you want to have?
See question number 1. See question number 18. You do the math.

18. Would you make a good parent?
No. I would forget the child somewhere. Plus, I’m too selfish. I have considered adopting a teenager someday but honestly, it’s just another person to mock me.

19. Where was your default picture taken (this is Facebook related)?
At home. It’s my kitten, Kalli, otherwise known as Demon Spawn or “Shut up! You are not starving!”

20. What’s your middle name?
Marie. So is my sister’s. My mom got the “call” and told the Lord she would name all of her daughters after the Virgin Mary if she didn’t have to become a nun. She went to a Catholic school where things like the “call” were pretty much shoved down your throat.

21. Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?
How much I like the song “Above the Bones” by Mishka. Free iTunes download. Sometimes they get it right.

22. If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?
Oh, let’s see. I think that I would a) still be a virgin and b) invested in a good work-out program when I was younger and more energetic.

23. Who was or will be the maid of honor/ best man in your wedding?
If I ever get married (which is unlikely, since gays can’t even get married in most states, so how could I expect to be able to marry my non-existent semi-evil android boyfriend?), my sister would be my maid of honor and Keem and Beth would be my bridesmaids. But I think everyone would get to choose their own outfit.

24. What are you wearing right now?
Olive green sleeveless shirt, jeans, argyle socks, blue tennis.

25. Righty or Lefty?
Righty

26. Best place to eat?
Depends. What are you in the mood for? Fogo de Chao if you want lots and lots of meat, delivered by hot Brazilian men. Chili’s when you want a decent hamburger and deep fried jalapenos (may I just say yum regarding the jalapenos?). If I want seafood, then it will be Red Lobster (to be clear, seafood to me stands for clam strips. I don’t really eat anything else, except for the occasional shrimp). Give me your craving and I can find a good place to eat. Of course, if I had the money, I’d be eating at Fogo daily.

27. Favorite jeans?
The pair that has part of the ankle ripped out so it has little trails of denim and Eddy likes to chase them. It’s fun to watch. So technically, I don’t have a favorite pair of jeans but my cat does.

28. Favorite animal?
Cats. The more the merrier. I am a crazy cat lady in training.

29. Favorite juice?
Orange pineapple.

30. Have you had the chicken pox?
Yes.

31. Have you had a sore throat?
Seriously? This is a question? Do you think I’m the guy from Unbreakable?

32. Ever had a bar fight?
No. But I have come close to stabbing people with a fork.

33. Who knows you the best?
Keem, Beth and my sister.

34. Shoe size?
10. According to the lady that measured my feet, it’s 8 ½ but I’m sorry, I am a big fan of comfort. Having my toes fold backwards is not something I like very much.

35. Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?
Glasses. I used to have contacts but I kept losing them. Not worth it.

36. Ever been in a fight with your pet?
Yes. One time Kalli took a switch blade to me. It was the most harrowing experience of my life.

That would be a no, in case you’re wondering.

38. Did you buy something today?
not yet

39. Did you get sick today?
No

40. Do you miss someone today?
yes

41. Did you get in a fight with someone today?
no

42. When is the last time you had a massage?
Earlier this year but the car insurance is over so no more massages for me.

43. Last person to lie in your bed?
Me.

44. Last person to see you cry?
Keem.

45. Who made you cry?
An actor/actress in a movie. I’m a sap. I’m a little embarrassed to admit the movie was “Old Dogs.”

46. What was the last TV show you watched?
The Big Bang Theory. Love that show!

47. What are your plans for the weekend?
Working overtime, going to see the Princess and the Frog with my sister, nephew and Kim and probably doing laundry.

48. Who do you think will repost this?
No one. That’s okay, I love a good meme.

49. Who was the last person you hung out with?
Kim. Well, we are roommates.

50. If your significant other asked you to marry them TODAY what would you say?
Yeah. Um, I have a non-existent semi-evil android boyfriend so that’s not happening. Unless you consider my significant other to be my fake boyfriend, Randall Flagg from the Stephen King novels. So I don’t think I’m getting married any time soon.

Oh the things we will see

One of the best inventions in the world is called bloglines.com. It allows me to read blogs I love without all that clicking to see if the person actually updated recently (because, if case you didn’t know, clicking at work is bad and ends up with people being cranky at me because I apparently visited over 400 different urls in a week and they don’t pay me for that (not that this has happened in a long time)) and then I can find other fun stuff and it gives me something to do because heaven forefend that I actually comment on a website at work (I may have issues over this). Anyway, this also allows me to bring you two of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time.

Apparently there is a movie called Mega Shark versus Giant Octopus. And wait, that’s not the best part. No, it stars Lorenzo Lamas (who I always mix up with Harry Hamlin for some reason) and Deborah “I used to be fun and go by Debbie” Gibson. I was reading the “review” of this today and all of a sudden Keem is asking “What’s that noise?” And it was me, laughing so hard that all you could hear was this wheezing noise. Anyway, I suddenly have a huge desire to see this movie just so I can laugh hysterically and possibly have an asthma attack. There is dialogue that can only have been written by people on some form of crack, not the liquid one from Quizno’s (Quizno’s has the best Caesar dressing in the world and we call it liquid crack. Because we’re dorks).

No one should ever say I won’t share. Please, check this review out yourself.

Also, Dooce and her daughter made cookies this weekend. And that made me giggle as well because there were words like coriander and meth labs used almost in the same sentance. And I also understand not being able to cook and wondering why there are these stupid rules that you’d like to skip and then you end up with frosting soup (true story. One I may share someday).

Here’s the link to the cookie catastrophe!

Go. Read. Laugh. Repeat. I promise to actually talk about stuff that happened in my life one of these days.

Two things

Thing number 1:

My roommate, Keem, has a problem. It’s a disturbing problem and one I have talked to her about in great detail. She tells me she’s going to stop but she doesn’t. So, at all hours of the day, there are strange people in my home and I have to deal with it. I’m so tired of it. The constant drama, the yelling, the drag queens…

Yeah. Keem’s addicted to reality TV. The newest show she started watching? RuPaul’s Drag Queen Race (or something like that). We watched an hour of it until she got bored (because, really, how many times can you listen to a conversation that consists of “Oh, no, she didn’t” and “Watch it, Miss Thing”?). And then we watched 4 episodes of the Cake Boss. The Cake Boss, in case you didn’t know, is an Italian man in New Jersey who took over the family business when his father died. It’s a bakery and all of his family works there, including his sisters and their husbands. There’s a lot of screeching because the sisters like to think they know better than him and will contradict his orders. Like the one sister decided the bakery should be painted pink and Buddy almost had a heart attack. This is three hours of my life that I will never get back! But the cakes are pretty.

I don’t know what to do about this addiction. I can handle Survivor and America’s Next Top Model. I love Project Runway and Top Chef. I will tolerate the Cake Boss and his annoying family. But what’s next? A television show about people kidnapped by aliens? They could call it Project Roswell.

Thing number 2:

You are all probably aware that I’m a bit of a Star Trek junkie. I love Captain Kirk (and think William Shatner is hot and, yes, a pretty decent singer). I want Data to be my very own android boyfriend (actually, I’m partial to Lore because, hello, he’s kind of evil and an android. We all know I love the bad boys). I boldly went to see the newest Star Trek movie 4 times in the theater and have watched it three times on DVD. I am looking forward to introducing Josh to the movie this weekend and hopefully combating his massive exposure to Star Wars (stupid brother-in-law and his “Star Wars rules, Star Trek drools” beliefs (although he probably never exactly phrased it that way)).

Anyway, Keem and I bought the DVD this week. We had the choice between the regular DVD or the Collector’s version at Target. Obviously we went for the Collector’s version. Cool thing about this, the DVD case is actually a replica of the Enterprise. How awesome is that? Pretty awesome.

Keem put it together and it was sitting on the side table the other day. I look over and find myself saying words I never thought would come out of my mouth.

DM: Kitten. Please stop eating the Enterprise.

Here she is. My baby. Scourge of the Universe and Eater of the Enterprise.

I posted this on Facebook and someone left the comment “But Captain, there’s a fang in the warp drive.” Best. Comment. Ever!

The only good clown?

Keem and I are at McDonald’s this morning, getting breakfast. She decides to contribute a dollar to the Ronald McDonald house and receives a small slip of paper thanking her for her donation.

DM: You can hang this up at your cubicle so every one can see how wonderful you are.
Keem: Uh, no. You can hang it up at yours if you want.
DM: No, that’s not going to happen. It has clowns on it.

Pause.

DM: Although Ronald McDonald has been around for years and he doesn’t really scare me.
Keem: There is that.
DM: I’ve never heard of him going insane and killing anyone.

So the question I put before you, my friends, is Ronald McDonald the only decent clown out there or does he have a really good PR department?

Welcome to my world. This is what I think of at 6:45 in the morning. It’s a little frightening.

No, Joe, I have not watched the movie yet.* Beth and I have talked about doing a double feature so I can confront my fears. The other movie would be The Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. Tomatoes are, in case you were not aware of it, evil. Yeah. I admit to having some strange phobias. Heights, elevators, spiral staircases, vampires lurking in the freezer, clowns and tomatoes. Although the tomato thing is more about how I hate eating them, not that I think they’re going to jump out and eat me.

*To those of you not in the loop, Joe sent me a "present", a DVD of Killer Klowns From Outer Space. I have not yet watched this because, hello, I’m afraid of clowns! I blame Stephen King.

Completely Unbiased Movie Reviews

Because Beth had Veteran’s Day off, we decided to go to a movie. We have been avidly looking forward to seeing the newest George Clooney movie, "The Men Who Stare at Goats."

Beth picked me up and we drove to Carmike Oakdale 20. As always, we proved that I should not be in charge of directions because I told her to take 694 instead of 494. This was not correct. Apparently that number in front of the highway name is fairly important. Fortunately, we were able to turn around fairly quickly and made it to the theater in time to see the advertisements and previews.

The first preview was for a new Mel Gibson movie (snore). At first I thought it was going to be the sequel to "What Women Want" (which, if you ask me, is not Mel Gibson (or, for that matter, Helen Hunt (she annoys me)) but it turns out that Mr. Gibson is a cop and his daughter is killed. I’m not giving away the plot here because that’s revealed in the first 10 seconds of the trailer. Mr. Hard-Nosed Cop decides to find out why his daughter was killed and meets Mysterious Guy. They exchange some vaguely hard-nosed and mysterious sentences and then Mel is on the run, trying to get to the bottom of things. He’s being attacked, things are blowing up, etc. Then he says it:

Mel: You had better decide whether you’re hangin’ on the cross… or bangin’ in the nails.

Beth and I both burst into laughter because that’s just the most ridiculous line ever. There was also a group of men in the front of the theater that started laughing as well. I am thinking that the writers of this movie were probably not expecting that reaction. But hello, every line in this trailer was pure cliché. Especially when Mel’s using his grating, "I am a macho, embittered man who has nothing to lose (which he says at one point as well) because my daughter is dead" voice. Later, when we were still laughing over this, Beth said the movie should be called "The Cliché" instead of "Edge of Darkness."

The previews for "2012" and "Avatar" play. Beth and I agree that they both seem stupid but John Cusack is still pretty cute. Not cute enough to see 2012 for, unfortunately.

The next preview plays. In this small town, people seem to be getting sick. They start staring off into space and then start killing people for no apparent reason. Beth and I are trying to figure out if this is a zombie movie. It seems zombie like. There’s this woman strapped to a cot and some weird looking guy is dragging a pitchfork or something forked and is just about to slam it into her head. Obviously it’s a scary movie. No, don’t need to see this, thanks much.

Then the name of the movie flashed onto the screen. Obviously it’ll be something edgy and dark and scary, right? Uh, no.

It’s called "The Crazies."

Yet again, Beth and I start laughing. Seriously, what? This is the most menacing title you could come up with? Why not call it "The Mondays" while you’re at it (as in "Sounds like someone’s got a case of the Mondays)?

Soon later, we were able to watch the movie we came for. "The Men Who Stare at Goats" is actually quite funny. It is not the best movie ever but it was amusing and fun and that’s what I like in a movie. Plus I do enjoy the occasional conspiracy theory (despite my feelings about Mel Gibson, I do love the movie "Conspiracy Theory"). George Clooney is amazing and I love him. I would recommend going to see it but you could probably save yourself a couple bucks and go to the matinee. Why are movies $10 now? That’s just crazy talk.

Other movies I have seen lately were "Couples Retreat" which was cute and "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" which was phenomenal! "Cloudy" was one of the best movies I’ve seen this year. That honor also belongs to "Star Trek" and "The Proposal".

My desktop at work is four scenes from Star Trek. The crew staring at Spock. Spock strangling Kirk. Kirk climbing out of the shuttle craft on the ice planet. Kirk sitting in Spock’s chair while Bones and Spock look wise. I loved that movie. Every day I announce to my co-workers how many days it is until the DVD is out (today it is 5). They have not yet killed me for this. I’m thinking it could happen soon.

Have you seen any good movies lately?

Very Bookish!

Hey!  I am really behind on blogs and I apologize!  I will get caught up one of these days.

Meanwhile, I’m posting an online discussion for Very Bookish.  I read the best book ever, The Lightning Thief by Rick Riordan (no, I never exaggerate.  Not me) and decided to share it with the world (well, part of the world).  If you want to read along, check it out here.

I just found out today that it’s going to be a movie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In case you can’t tell, I’m very excited.  Greek mythology?  Modern times?  Makes me happy!