Okay. Dagnabit.

I am going to blog more.  I am.  I need to blog.  I miss it.  Facebook is fun and I can be snarky and all but I miss actually sitting down at the computer and writing.  So I’m going to give it a shot.

Anyway, what brings me back?  Yet again, I opened mouth and inserted foot.

Conversation with co-workers on the way to lunch.

Christy:  Oh, hey, the liquor store is having a sale.  We should go buy beer.
Dana:  Blech.

This leads to a conversation about what our favorite liquors are.

C:  I don’t really like hard liquor anymore.  I had a perfectly made G&T and it tasted like crap.
Jessica A:  Well, yeah.  Gin.  Blech!
Dana:  I second your blech!  (or something similar to that).
Brett:  I like gin.
JA:  It tastes like pine needles.
D (snorts):  Uh, yeah, that’s what it’s made from (well, actually it’s juniper now that I think of it).
C:  What’s your favorite, Brett?
B:  Tequila.

Both Jess and I wince.

D:  I haven’t had tequila since I almost threw up on the cute guy I had a crush on when we were playing spin the bottle.

Why?  Why do I open my mouth?  I know this just leads to trouble.

C (incredulous):  Were you 15?
D (sheepishly):  No.  28.

Later tonight, I was talking about Beth and mentioned this to her.  I told her some day I’m going to write a book of really dumb things that I’ve done that probably no one else has done.  She said she could probably add a few stories as well and that some of them are even written down.

So that’s why I’m here.  I was wondering if that story has been written down and decided to check out my poor neglected blog.  Oh, look.  Yes, it has.

Beth and I were talking the other night (April 16th because it’s now April 21st) and I decided I am going to go through this blog and pick some of my favorite stories.  Stories that I will clean-up and think about publishing some day.  And, I am going to try to blog more.  I promise.

Cranky Dana has been replaced with Sick Dana

Thanks for your nice comments, guys, I appreciate it!  I have calmed down a little bit.  I know there’s some major things I need to do to get out of this hole and I’m going to make the effort to figure it out.

Now, for non-cranky news:  I am sick.  Which, actually, does make me a little cranky.  I hate being sick.  The first day is always the worst because you’ve got the fuzzy head and absolutely no cold medicine except for some lousy cough drops that you bought at the convenience store which taste terrible and don’t seem to work at all.  And your co-workers are making the sign of the cross every time you look in their general direction.  What’s even worse is that Keem went to LaCrosse and I am home with the kitties and there is no one here for me to whine at.  My co-worker Jessica said I couldn’t whine at Keem about being sick with all that she’s going through right now and I agree.  So I just sent her an email telling her that I missed her and also said “I am sick.  It sucks.”  Not one word about how I’m probably dying.

Nyquil is quite possibly the best drug ever.  Dayquil is also not too shabby.  And Ricola cough drops taste good AND also assist in suppressing coughing.  I am going to take two Nyquil and go to bed.  Hopefully the plague will have passed me by tomorrow.

Let the vanting begin

My sister and I are talking today because my co-worker that I ride with is filing short term disability and I need to find a new ride to work.  Kari says “Get your license.”  I snap.  Maybe a little irrationally because I just realized I’ve gone a few days without taking my Effexor but still, I also think that it’s a little justified as well.

Getting my license is not going to solve all of my problems.  Yes, I would like to get my driver’s license some day but there’s a couple reasons why I haven’t done that.

1. Driving a car terrifies me.  I have such a short attention span and you want to put me behind the wheel of a gigantic car?  Um, yeah, maybe not such a good idea.
2. Getting my driver’s license is not going to magically solve all of my problems.  You know why?  Because it doesn’t mean anything.  In order to drive, you need a car.  In order to have a car, you need insurance.  In order to have a car and insurance, you need money.
3. I don’t have any money.  I am so in debt right now that I’m not really sure what I’m going to do.  I owe a ton of people money and am getting the lovely collection calls.  As soon as I pay off one creditor, another one shows up.
4. I am thinking about filing for bankruptcy.  I don’t know if I’ll actually do it because, well, let’s be honest, I can’t afford it.  I may check into one of those credit counseling places and see if they can help.
5. Every day I eat two packages of Ramen noodles for breakfast/lunch because that’s really all I can afford.  My roommate is so frustrated with me right now because I owe her a ton of money.
6. And getting my license is supposed to help?  Really?  How?

I know people aren’t trying to be insensitive when they say it, I know that it’s got to be frustrating taking me places all the time but really, suggesting I get my license doesn’t help.  All it does it make me feel even more worthless.

Sometimes, I just want to disappear.  Become a hermit.  Then I wouldn’t be such a burden on everyone.

God, sometimes I can be so melodramatic.  But this did help a little bit.  Thank you for reading.

Waiting is over

Kim made it through surgery fine.  I am so relieved.  There was a big fear bubble hanging over my head today that she wasn’t going to make it.  I logically knew that she should be fine but the not so logical part of my brain started screaming “Death!  Destruction!  Vampires in the closet!”

We have to wait about 5 days to know what stage the cancer was at.  I don’t know how long we have to wait to know if they got it all.  But for now, I can sit back and sigh a happy sigh.

Nerves

I hate waiting.  I am not a big fan of it.

1. I am waiting for Kari to call me so that we can make arrangements for her to pick me up.
2. I am waiting to find out if everything is going to be okay.

Kim is on her way to the hospital right now.  She is having surgery this afternoon at 12:30 CST.  She will have a full hysterectomy.

Almost two months ago, Kim and Kari were working out with our personal trainer, Brian, when Kim’s lips turned blue.  Kari, being quite efficient at her part-time job of nagging, told Kim to go to the doctor since one of the signs of a heart attack is blue lips.  Kim, being stubborn as all get out, resisted this logical and sane advice until it happened a 2nd time.  Kim went to see the doctor:

•  It wasn’t a heart attack.
• Kim’s iron level was very low so our doctor put her on iron pills.
• Two weeks later, there was almost no change in her iron level so there was the discussion about heavy periods, etc.
• Kim has the same problem I did years ago so there was talk about her having an ablation like I did.
• Kim went to see other doctors and also got to enjoy the probing (ultrasound).
• She had a mass in her uterus.  Could be a fibroid but let’s do some tests to be sure.

Long story short (too late), the mass is cancer.  We don’t know what stage she is in but there is hope that it is early and stage 1.  We won’t know until after her hysterectomy.  I am a nervous wreck.  I am sure she will be fine, all signs point to that, but it’s Keem.  One of my best friends.

So any prayers or happy thoughts you could send her way would be greatly appreciated.  And now I have to go, Kari just called.  At least one part of my waiting is over.

What to write?

I had my one-on-one with my manager today.  As we were sitting at Culver’s, we started discussing writing.  I mentioned that I sometimes think about going back to school but I want to study Greek mythology and creative writing and NABABNA just won’t pay for that.  Business writing, yes.  I find business writing incredibly boring.  Which is strange, because I actually do a lot of it in my job as a call monitor and editor of our electronic library.  That I can handle.  But it’s writing the procedures that makes me a little nuts.  Which, you guessed it, I am usually the one that updates the procedures whenever there’s a change.  I’m the one that people go to  if they need something reviewed before they send it out to a larger audience.

It’s just not my passion.  In high school and for the small amount of college I actually paid attention to, what really grabbed me was fiction (and some historical stuff, if the text book wasn’t the dry, fact-based crap you usually found) and Drama.  I loved my English classes, embraced the Drama department and worked on both the newspaper and the yearbook.  Actually, when you think of it, yearbooks are just large scrapbooks so I guess it’s not a surprise that I enjoyed it.

So Cheryl asked me about my writing and I told her about how, over the years, I had started several books but never really got further than the first chapter.  After that, I would edit.  And edit some more.  And then review everything, decide it was all crap and set it aside.  I read once that every author has an inner critic.  Mine is vicious.  Nothing I ever do is good enough, it’s boring, no one would ever want to read it.  Also, my internal critic doesn’t know how to shut the heck up.  I know that, in retrospect, what I am writing is actually interesting and that people may enjoy it.  Especially when you consider some of the novels that are published.  I’ve read books that made me cringe from the poor dialogue and lack of plot lines (or, in the last book I read, too many plot lines).  But that critic of mine won’t let me continue.

One of the problems is that I cannot write descriptions of characters or places.  I am honest enough to admit that is a failing.  My characters are incredibly nuanced in my head but on paper, they are flat and one dimensional.  Except for their dialogue.  I am awesome at dialogue.  Not even my internal critic has much to criticize about it.

So what do I do?  Do I pick up one of the novels I started years ago and finish it?  Do I think about taking a creative writing class and hope that someone can teach me how to write a decent description for once?  Do I follow in the footsteps of a few authors and write as though it is emails and letters from one character to another?  I actually really enjoy that style.  Meg Cabot did it in two books and they made me laugh hysterically.  Do I find a co-writer, present them with the plot and the dialogue and say “Hey, flesh this out for me?”  I don’t know.

I do know that if I read one more poorly written novel by a best selling author, I may scream.   I’m always trying to find new authors but sometimes that search makes me a little crazy.

What’s new?

I am still working the same job and I love it.  I’ve always been a huge fan of customer service and being able to be a Quality Monitor is very important for me.

My roommate Keem is looking for a house and that’s fun!  I love living in the apartment but it would be nice if there was a house in our future.  One thing we know that we want is a nice yard so we can sit outside and enjoy the weather (which is shocking for me because I’m not much for the outdoors).  I want to take the kitties for walks or, at the very least, set up an screened area where they can go outside.  I think they’d enjoy it.

I am still incredibly single and I’m still okay with it.  Yes, someday I would like to be romantically involved with someone but I don’t see it happening anytime soon.  And that’s all right.

I go to the gym now and have a personal trainer.  I am convinced he’s trying to kill me but I find that, once I drag my ass to the gym, I actually enjoy working out.  Except for cardio.  I HATE CARDIO!  It is evil and wrong.  If God wanted me to bounce on an elliptical, he would have, well, he would have done something.  Brian, the PT, keeps threatening me with the stairmaster.  I’ve told him that will never happen but if he comes up with an escalatormaster, I’m all for it.

Beth and I are still besties and I just spent the weekend at her place.  Kim is still the best roommate ever.  Life is pretty dang good.

So what’s up with you?

I may just give this another shot

Hello, world. I have not blogged in forever. I may try this again. Just got back from a week’s vacation in Panora, Iowa, which, while it may be the heartland of America, is completely boring.

Anyway, what’s new with you?

The tracks of my tears

Well. I had a sucky weekend. I hope you all had a much better on than me.

Long story short, I seem to have developed some version of the plague. Not the dying one, just the “You will want to die” version. I am not going into any more detail than it was horrible and gross and disgusting.

• Did I get to go to Beth’s for an exciting scrapbook weekend? I did not.
• Did I get to go see my Uncle Bill for his 75th birthday celebration? I did not.
• Did I get a Dr. Chicken balloon? I did not.
• Did I get to stay home and be harassed by starving cats? I did.
• Did I irritate Keem so much that she has forbidden me to ever say “Keem, I am dying” or “Keem, can we go to the library?” ever again. I did. Also, apparently, sick people don’t get to go to the library. I think that’s just dumb.

Plus, this was the big season/series finale week.

• I sobbed through Grey’s Anatomy (even though none of the characters I like died (yet)) because I hate it when people die. Keem kept handing me tissues and laughing at me (although she did get a little teary eyed)
• We watched UP and I sobbed through the first 15 or so minutes because his wife died and I knew she was going to die but still, he was going to be all alone and then they wanted him to go to the home and it was all very sad. And then the ending was happy. I cry at both happy and sad things. I am an equal opportunity sap.
• I sobbed through LOST because people died and people didn’t die and people were reunited and it was all happy and sad and very confusing. Thank God this show is over. It has taken up way too much of my life that could be better spent playing Plants vs. Zombies (It’s a computer game. And there are zombies that want to eat your brains and you have to defend your brains by attacking them with plants. It’s quite fun)
• I also watched The Mentalist’s season finale and did not cry, mainly because while some people died, I didn’t really like them all that much or they were not pivotal to the plot. There were a few tense moments but I was okay since there were no clowns

Last night I turn to Keem and bellow (completely off key) the song that is haunting me.

DM: Take a goooooooood look at me now. If you look cloooooooosely, it’s easy to traaaaaace the track of my tears. Whoaoaoaoao.
Keem: Wow. It’s my face and that’s not even close to being on key.
DM: Oh, yeah, that makes more sense. Face and trace rhyme. Should I sing more?

Suffice to say, the answer was a resounding no.

I am feeling much better and am glad that I no longer have the plague. Hope you all had a much better weekend than I did. Also, I have stopped crying whenever someone brings up Grey’s or UP or LOST. This might be due to the fact that my dear friend James (some of you may know him as the guy I was completely head over heels for but soon realized that we can never be together because a) he’s the most annoying man in the world, b) he may be an android and c) I told him that he was like Adam West Batman when I was drunk. Good Lord. I just reread that post and remembered that I glow-ducked that night. As in I took rubber ducks that glow and danced with them in a glow-sticky, rave-like manner) sent me the link to the most inappropriate YouTube video ever but it made me laugh hysterically. Apparently there has been a parody of Batman made that is, well, explicit and by Vivid Entertainment (can you tell that my work is blocking certain words?). A Adam West Batman parody. The trailer is hilarious. I may have to buy it just because I love Adam West Batman that much. It can go with the Pirate explicit movie I won with a picture of Jesus.

I have been thinking that it’s been awhile since I’ve done a photo essay and maybe I will regale you with pictures the next time I post. What should it be about?

• Why my kitten is roughly the size of a football and both the dorkiest and most annoying cat in the world?
• My exciting trip to La Crosse this weekend?
• Random pictures that amuse me?

Only the shadow knows.

The Chicken Conspiracy continues

I have no idea when the chicken conspiracy started but I’m sure I could figure out if I checked my archives. The main thing is that, once upon a time, Beth discovered that pointing out chickens and chicken related things to me is funny. And, after much resistance on my part, I discovered that yes, it is funny. Unlike Laffy Taffy jokes which are just wrong and stupid.

The chicken conspiracy is responsible for my having a stuffed chicken named Mr. Calitri and for there actually being a picture of me wearing a chicken hat (not that I can actually find said pictures right now since my Flickr pro account expired).

Today, my boss asked me to call a florist and order flowers for one of my co-workers who is recovering from some sort of surgery that involved the gall bladder or a kidney stone or something like that (I don’t pay attention to these things, people. All I know is that since she’s been gone, there have been no random 7 layer bars appearances and that makes me sad).

I Googled local florists and found one that meant my qualifications (1. Local. 2. Didn’t make me sit on hold for 15 minutes before they even bothered to talk to me. 3. Willing to have the driver come pick up the card we had all signed for her before bringing it to co-worker’s house). While I was looking, I came across the best get well bouquet EVER!

Wait. That’s not it. Let’s try again. But damn, that’s cute!

It’s Dr. Chicken! I love it!

However, none of my co-workers approved and we (they) chose Bright and Sunny instead.

I guess it’s cute if you like bright and sunny flowers that look like they are smiling (and actually I do but still, Dr. Chicken is awesome!).